My husband can't/won't "do" things and it's giving me the ick

[applesandoranges11]

I've been married over 20 years to a lovely guy. But he has been between jobs in recent years and seems to have lost confidence. On top of this, he has never had particular ability in the DIY arena. I grew up with a dad who was a total "man's man" - ex-military, could build anything, fix anything, took on all the "male" tasks like lawnmowing , taking out rubbish, etc. I know this seems antiquated, but there is something reassuring about someone who looks after you in some respects. My husband has never earned more than me, so he doesn't look after me financially so I guess it would be nice to be able to rely on him in another way.

Over the years, I haven't minded too much that I'm the one who gets out the tool box when something needs fixing, or I'm the one nagging for small jobs to be done. But now that he isn't working (and making pathetic efforts to find anything), all the responsibility for providing for our family of four (we have two teens) is on me. I work an intense job with a long commute every single day and yet, somehow I'm still having to deal with things on the weekend that he should have done.

The final straw was yesterday when he said he would do a BBQ. He has an expensive big green egg BBQ that I bought him for his 50th (because he wanted it) and he uses it about once a year. Never successfully somehow. I look outside yesterday and the whole garden is full of smoke and he is cursing it. I think he hasn't cleaned it properly and ash is blocking the air vents preventing the charcoal from getting hot enough. But of course he refutes that and blames "bad charcoal" (that was purchased that day, so I doubt it). I rescued the meats, cooked them inside and then he sulked all through dinner.

Anyway, I just don't know how to keep fancying him when he doesn't seem capable of doing anything. Not sure why I'm writing this except maybe to vent....

In the end I was doing it all so he became like one of the game shows he watched
Pointless.

Sounds just like my Dad. My mum gave up when we were old enough & left him. There is always a limit to what you can tolerate. Luckily I met someone who was the complete opposite.

I don't know that there's anything you can do to change someone, OP. It doesn't sound like his complete lack of weight pulling in the home is a new thing, it's just that he's now not working either so his attitude to the domestic sphere and entitlement to your labour is highlighted and un-ignorable. You can't really fudge over it, can you? But he's always been this way.

I would perhaps, sit him down, point out that you still love him, but you're fast losing that attraction for him because he's doing nothing to show you that he appreciates you, wants you to want him, or is worth keeping around. Tell him that at the minute the fact that splitting up would be bad for the kids is one of the biggest thing he has in his favour - which should scare him, because they're teens and adulthood is fast approaching. Ask him what sort of life he's hoping for over the next couple of decades and how does he think he's going to get it? Then leave him to it. You can't change him and nagging will just build up resentment.

I think perhaps you could also do with counseling for yourself if you can swing it. And if he doesn't change, start slowly detaching and planning for a future without him. Because staying with someone who doesn't love you and is a drag on your resources is a recipe for a fucked up old age.

If he only uses the egg once a year no wonder he hasn't learned how to use it.
What can i say to the rest though - lazy bastard about sums it up.

I know exactly how this feels. You have a third child, not a husband. Of course you don’t fancy him - biology has seen to it. Do you actually had a sexlife?

I divorced a man just like this (although he did have a job). I actually thought he would pull his socks up once he lived alone but his house is an absolute disgrace, inside and out. I don’t know what’s wrong with him but I am SO GLAD to no longer be with him. I’m now dating a builder and it’s a revelation! Even my teenage son is thriving from being around this capable, dependable man.

@shuggles I also don't see why a woman should automatically earn less than me.

Lots of us don't see why either but the gender pay gap in the UK currently stands at around 13%, meaning that it is common for women to earn less than their male counterparts, even in the exact same job for the exact same employer, just because we are women.

What’s a cocklodger

It’s not about getting hung up on who does what, marriage/running a home/ kids is about partnership and not seeing your partner breaking themselves whilst the other sits around. Each person needs to bring something to the relationship, whether it is physical or emotional. My husband would never sit down whilst I continue to work, we both do the jobs needed and both sit down together. I know it sounds like treating him like a child but can you sit down and agree a list of things he needs to do during the day (whilst looking for a job) - my husband loves a list 🤣. Maybe he has lost his way and just needs to be told! Continuing this way is unacceptable and he is disrespecting you. Good luck OP, you do deserve better.

It’s too late. She’s spent 20 years babysitting him and is now complaining that he can’t do anything for himself. Why would he when someone else has done it all for most (all?) of his adult life.

Also the people having “concerns” over barbecues on this thread gives me the ick. If you have nothing better to worry about than a stranger on the internet in some unknown location in the UK having a barbecue then your life must be pretty sad 🙄

Stop apologising for being ‘politically incorrect’. A woman wants a bloke to act like a bloke end of.

You married a princess who has been indulged into thinking he is the prize, the more you do for him the less he does at all. In what ways does he treat you like a princess even when he had a job? Btw YOU are the prize

You'd be better off on your own. You'd have more disposable income for a start and you dont fancy him or respect him at all. The best thing about being single is that you drop the resentment overnight, which is currently eating away at you.

Just imagine coming in from work and never again feeling disappointed or let down by the person who is supposed to be your life partner, the person you have chosen to spend your life with. That's what being a financially secure single person feels like and its so much lighter and freeing.

If I was in a relationship, being the most telling part of your whole post. No woman has ever become moist at the idea of being the bread winner alongside every other household task and raising the kids. We are mammals and zoos found out that lionesses would only come into heat when the males roared. We are no different. I’m sure the women are bone dry in your particular desert.

A man who lives with a woman and expects her to pay all the bills, do all of the domestic work, and do all of the childcare. He contributes nothing.

It's OK to walk away from a relationship you have outgrown. It sounds like your husband has regressed into child mode, where you provide and manage everything. I would not be interested in being intimate with someone like that either!

We need to normalize saying "I still love you as a human being, but not as a romantic partner". Sometimes you really are better off alone, because right now, you basically have three children, only two of which are on track to fly the nest in the next few years.

I get it. There’s something distinct about feeling like a capable adult faced with an incapable adult. It breeds resentment and contempt because why am I capable of putting hard work and thought in and managing absolutely everything and they’re not?

Of course disabilities excepted and some won’t get the knack for some things but will others. But when they can’t seem to do anything it just fills you with disgust.

You need some arousing moments and situations wether it’s physical or fantasies or both in your life and flirt outrageously it will lift your spirits no end , keep in touch and let me know how it goes for you

Glad someone said it! Got absolutely soaked running back to the car from the gym tonight as it was pising down 😫

Marriage is meant to be a partnership of equals. That doesn’t mean it has to be even contributions 100% of the time. Sometimes one person will shoulder more of the burden, sometimes the other. But overtime it needs to be a broadly equal relationship if respect is to be maintained.
He is using you as a crutch to do what he likes. It must feel like having a third child. He has complete control over this. When you blow up, he makes a small effort to get you off his back (painting, applies for delivery job). Then you are temporarily mollified and the cycle starts again. He is hugely cynical and does not have your best interests at heart.
I wouldn’t argue, blow up, shout, cajole, plead or find jobs for him. I would simply withdraw funding, labour and services, until he meets you in the middle. If you share a bank account, I’d open my own account, pay my salary into that and put into the joint account the same as him. I’d stop doing jobs around the house to make his life easier. No more washing or ironing his clothes. No more meal
planning. Go on strike. Do things for yourself and your DC. Make it hard for him to do nothing. You’ll have to grit your teeth and put up with living in a disorganised house but it will be worth it longer term.
He knows you won’t leave him and at present he has zero self-respect or pride and zero respect for you. It will only get worse if you don’t take a stand.

Your husband is not doing his fair share, he's lazy and treating you badly and you need to clearly communicate the serious effect this is having on you, including giving him an ultimatum if need be, and/or go to couples counselling to try to sort this out. Also remember OP, Mumsnet is full of divorced people who want you to be divorced too.. their situations will be totally different to yours.

I think the handiness of your DH is a red herring. A marriage is an equal partnership of (hopefully) complementary skills and preferences.
My DH is handy up to a point and recognises when the jobs are beyond his skill set, to get someone in. He also sorts out the cars, finances, garden, laundry, vacuums and mops the floors and cleans up the kitchen.
I sort out the kids’ school stuff and kids stuff generally, do the groceries, meal planning and cooking, clean the bathrooms.
We both work full-time and I earn slightly more and have a longer commute.
I think it’s not about what specific tasks each partner does or even whether they’re gendered. It’s about sharing the load of running a household and family equally. It requires effort from both partners (acknowledging the many single parents who have no choice but to do it alone).

When one partner stops contributing equally, it impacts the other and is a selfish way to live. It’s not ok to opt out of being an adult. General incompetence in any adult is unattractive and I understand why you’ve got the ick. He needs to step up significantly and immediately.

I think there is something deeply unattractive about a man who makes zero effort around the house. Whether it's with household chores,or what some people call 'man stuff' like taking the rubbish out, mowing the lawn,DIY or decorating. It basically says that he doesn't think you are worth the effort. My late dad was absolutely useless at DIY and decorating (although he could mow the lawn!) but he redeemed himself in other ways by doing the ironing or the laundry. This was in the days before automatic washing machines were the norm,doing the laundry was a whole Saturday afternoon job involving a twin tub washing machine. And he did a lot of the cooking AND washed up afterwards. This was on top of working 8am - 4pm, Monday to Friday. For a man who was born in 1924 and had some rather Victorian attitudes to a lot of things,he was quite domesticated!

OP you say you won't split up with him. But he's treating you with contempt by being so lazy. He's showing you he doesn't care about your or your DCs needs. A marriage cannot survive this.

Would he do couples counselling? Then you can have a forum for him to hear how this makes you feel.

If he won't listen, or won't go to counselling, well there is your answer.

Are you sure your husband wasn't a bigamist cos I married him too! 🤣 left after 20 years though! Remarried now and never been happier ♥️

He's clearly watching too much porn and the problem with the meat will be death grip