Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

You're worried about your dd hating you if you suggest an abortion, from the sounds of it she'll hate any option which isn't she and bf move in and you bring up the baby. You need to make it VERY CLEAR this cannot happen for your entire family's sanity and wellbeing and if she is angry with you that is better than the alternatives for all of you. If she has to go into a mother and baby unit then that's what she has to do. She can't go to university for the time being at the very least. The pregnancy is the result of her actions and will have certain tough consequences.

Cripes given your updates you really really don’t have space and as someone else with chronic pain I’m really sad to hear you say you are in the sofa bed while your dd has a bedroom.

honestly it sounds like you have way way too much on your plate and I’m so sorry you have so much to deal with.

given that you are currently on the sofa bed it would be an absolute no from me to the boyfriend moving in and I’d be making noises about how much pain I was in from the sofa bed and how hard I found life as well.

I think you just need to be clear that while you will support whatever decision she makes, you will not facilitate it to the detriment of the rest of the family. And that it simply isn't a viable option given the situation at home, that while in a different circumstance where you had the room you would be able to do it, with the best will in the world it just cannot happen. So if she wants to do this, you will always be there as a shoulder for her but she needs to figure out how to do it herself.

If she really is not mature enough to accept that (and frankly I can't believe she would even consider putting this on all of you) then she really is not mature enough to be a mother.

The first thing you should do is put DD or DS in the box room and take the largest bedroom for yourself and DH so that you can be upstairs during the night if DS needs help, so that you and DH can sleep in a proper bed, and so that you and DH have a space for just you two.

Put DH's desk in your bedroom with your clothes behind a screen made of a freestanding clothesrail and a curtain.

If your house is like mine, one must walk through the living room to get to the kitchen from the upstairs rooms. You and DH have the right to somewhere you can go that other people don't have to use as a thoroughfare. You have the right to and need for a proper bed.

You need to tell DD that her baby and her boyfriend will not fit in the house, so she will have to find somewhere to live if she wants to continue the pregnancy.

I'm guessing that the Mumsnetter who clicked the "flowers" response either meant "heart" or is offering sympathy for me having to live with a walkthrough living room 😂

From a practical point can she apply through clearing for a uni course close to home? To get nearly a year done under her belt before baby arrives would make a huge difference in continuing education.

Yes, whatever you do take the big bedroom for yourself.

I understand cramped housing. I am in London and we are a bit cramped too as both DS and DD are here finishing uni. But DD has the boxroom and DS the next smallest bedroom. They don't complain.

You are ill. You need a proper bed.

Take the big bedroom for you, your health needs you to. Your DS needs to be prioritised as well.

Put your DD in the box room, that’s all you have for her and the baby. The baby’s father cannot fit. She needs to be registered as homeless and will be housed.

DD has been looking for work since she finished college but with no luck as yet. Her boyfriend had always intended to get a job post A Levels as he didn’t like those he took enough to do a degree in them. He does want to do a degree at some point though.

I agree that it comes across that we don’t want to upset DD. DS has in the past self-harmed when difficult conversations have taken place. I had trauma therapy last year because of it; I guess I need to get re-referred again. DD isn’t her brother, but we have been through such a lot I feel scared of pushing her away. I am fully prepared to get some help for myself with this though.

My DH and I have agreed that DD‘s boyfriend can come up to visit this weekend and we can sit down and have a proper conversation with them once DD and he have talked.

I am going to re-read every one’s replies before we chat to them. The replies have been really helpful.

I agree we cannot all live here together.

I also agree that DD needs to be better informed regarding the medical issues that could impact upon her or the baby. We will sit down with her and her boyfriend and show them our bills/monthly budget.

I am hoping that DD can make more informed choices and sensible, practical solutions. I want her to come to the conclusion herself about the reality of the situation for all concerned. If that doesn’t work we will need to take a more direct approach.

Sounds like you and your DH are thinking this through nicely and covering all basis. Well done to you both. Please prioritise yourselves and your DS - no matter where DD ends up living, a new baby will be s huge adjustment for your DS.

I would add when you are discussing budgets to consider costs that you and DH don't have (childcare, formula, nappies, baby apparatus, babysitters).

We will also look again at the bedroom situation. I guess that we have just overcompensated for such an awful year without realising.

I am off bed now as I am exhausted. I genuinely appreciate everyone taking the time and trouble to help.

Re "The first thing you should do is put DD or DS in the box room and take the largest bedroom for yourself and DH so that you can be upstairs during the night if DS needs help, so that you and DH can sleep in a proper bed, and so that you and DH have a space for just you two."

I completely agree.

I also understand the whole compensating thing etc.

Good luck. Xxxx

OP writes in an update: DD isn’t her brother, but we have been through such a lot I feel scared of pushing her away.

One of the problems faced by families with a disabled child is that the non-disabled siblings feel ignored, marginalised, and unloved. The desire for a baby may be rooted in this. Putting DD in the box room with the stated reason that DS needs the larger room more than she does will certainly add to that feeling of being ignored, marginalised, and unloved.

I had more been thinking that the child currently in the largest room gets the box room, whichever child it is, to minimise disruption. No need for four people to move bedrooms when only three need to. The OP and her DH, being two people, need the largest room.

“She is academically capable and generally sensible”

Then she needs to apply that sensible head and academic capability to this real-world urgent problem. You need to make her understand that living with you AND having a baby is impossible, so what other plan is she going to come up with?

Just from a different point of view my parents had me whilst at uni in the 1980s whilst living at uni hours away from their families. My Mum took a year out and they got married very quickly (different times!) Had family accommodation and a nursery place at uni and My Mum qualified in her professional role about a year after my dad. They have recently had their 40th wedding anniversary, I have 3 younger siblings and it is great for my kids to have younger active grandparents. If it was doable in the 80s ...am sure it could work out well now... My family openly admit that I wasn't planned and was a massive shock...but a lovely one in the end

That's great but those were different times, most uni's don't have the funding to offer students that kind of help these days.

It's not as easy as getting a uni place and suddenly being given family accommodation for 3 yrs. Op's daughter needs to be realistic and stand on her own two feet.

People who are up-to-date with the current situation in universities and said that this accommodation is very difficult to come by now. Housing was far cheaper in the 1980s, though it didn’t seem so at the time. Thus is a completely different world. Congratulations to your parents, but not every Storey has such a happy ending.

I would also reiterate that the "in my day" stories have very little relevance to today and the OP's situation.

@PearlyDewDrops is it possible for your daughter to talk to a medical professional regarding the genetic risks for her baby?

Yes, I have a friend, now in her sixties, who got pregnant at Cambridge and decided not to terminate. She had huge help from her college in terms of hardship fund, accommodation etc. But I wouldn’t blithely encourage someone with an unplanned pregnancy to apply there on the basis that would necessarily happen now.

The 80s feel like a lifetime ago in many ways. I was a student paying £20 a week rent. I had holiday jobs paying £16 a day. Now young people can't afford to live away from their parents even with a job and no dependants. How on earth could a 19 year old get a job to support a family whilst his girlfriend goes to uni?

I think the DD, her BF and a few people on here live in cloud cuckoo land.

Op To put in a nutshell, she looking at this situation through rose tinted specs. I would ask her to talk through what is going to happen on a day to day basis. How can she or the family afford financially?

How are all the family going to cope because of her decision. If she nay friends that her same age and similar circumstances how on earth did they manage.

I think as the pair of them are unemployed and choosing to have a baby, the solutions need to be coming from them. They need to sort out housing and income. I suspect they will expect this to land in their laps but the fact they don’t even live together now, their relationship will present them with many challenges whilst they inevitably, whilst they actually get to know each other, and wait for someone else/the government to house and feed them. Not a great start but not your job to fix this.

I assumed as bf was 3 hours away he was already at uni but if he’s only just done his A levels his family home and friends must all be 3 hours away too. There will be no other grandparents nearby to help and everything will land on you.

You must also stop sleeping on a sofa bed

Also - how are they having a relationship if he’s 3 hours away? How much time have they spent together in the real world?

they are children- who think they are adults. I’d make it really clear that they were on their own financially and would need to find work and a home if they insist on going ahead (whilst being 💯 ready to step in if necessary).

I say this as someone who had a baby entirely on their own when quite young (but not that young)

OP remember you have to meet your own needs before you can help others sometimes.

It sounds like this 18 year old is in la la land honestly. I get that people aren't always happy when advised to get an abortion but there could also be a lot of resentment down the line when responsible adults play down how difficult it is becoming a mum at 18 with no money and they make the decision in ignorance.