Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

I had my DC at a similar age she will get on fine as a parent. I was on my own in all ways as lone parent and no family support as I had already been kicked out.

let her stay with you until the boyfriend is providing a home for her and the baby. If he doesn’t, probably likely, she will have to get herself to work and go from there. Do not let him move in.

congrats to your DD.

It isn't her son, it's her older brother, and given the family has suffered a bereavement, redundancy and eviction in the past year, this is probably challenging enough right now without an additional young adult and baby joining the household.

Can’t they move in with the boyfriend’s parents?

Well no one is posting when it works.

Oral contraceptives are about 91% effective with normal use. That's why health care professionals try to get young people on long acting contraceptive options (and even those aren't 100% effective).

The horse has bolted though. OP it's ok to set boundaries, you can't pour from an empty cup.

This just won't work. What about your son? Surely a baby crying all the time will stress him out? Not to mention no space.
I would be telling her they both need jobs and to move out. Under no circumstances let them live with you you don't have space, time nor money.

It sounds so easy when they think they can all move in, save to get somewhere else and in the meantime you look after them all. No.

I know she's young but you cannot take anymore on.

I raised my DS alone and I was older than your DD. It was incredibly hard. I worked full time and studied part time.

Is the bf at university already?

Your daughter has to understand she is very likely to become a single parent or pretty quickly. A year in, at 18, is not a relationship that is going to survive a baby. She needs to think about the reality she is going to have to face. If she still wants to keep the baby then, she needs to figure out what she’s going to do about it.

It would be lovely to hear from my mum. Sadly she died far to young (we have a hereditary condition).

What do I think she'd say? She was disappointed. She was a teen mum herself and wanted different for me. Her being a teen parent really limited her opportunities so she was determined it wouldn't do the same to me. I don't think my mum would've considered what she did a sacrifice. We're from a culture that's far more collectivist than the UK although I was born here.

Practically she let me stay at home for 6 months with my child's father staying over several times a week. We bought our own food and contributed to utilities because I knew my mum couldn't afford to 'keep' us all. When I was in my late 20s she offered me and my kids to move back in so I could save to move house. She also let my older (35 at the time) move in with him wife after they got married so they could save for a property. They stayed for a few more years than planned as their child was born severely disabled and moving became the last thing on their mind.

My mum was gold. The biggest thing she did was believe in me. Believed that I'd still go to university which I did. Supported me with breastfeeding when it was non existent in the hospital after birth. Loved my children, their relationship independently of me can still bring a tear to my eyes, would have all the grandkids for sleepovers. Would pop round and just spend time with us. I also need to give a shout out to my kids father's parents as they were equally supportive. My children were raised by a village and it shows, they are super young people. I was able to build a successful career and make my mum's life financially easier.

Would I advocate for teen pregnancy? Absolutely not. I know how it made my life harder. But if it happens and my child knowing they have options decides termination is not right for them, I will do everything in my power to help them still reach their full potential.

I wouldn't say that true. I had my eldest at 19, me and his father are still together over twenty years later. Not everyone spilts up.

All the people commenting on here saying that they were once in the OP's DD's situation and it all turned out fine seem to be talking about their experiences 20 + years ago.

Not so many 21 year olds saying that they moved in with their mum and they and their partner now have great jobs and managed to save up and have their own place to live.

Because life is harder now than 20 years ago. Rent is extortionate, jobs are badly paid especially for 18 year olds and very hard to come by, especially if you're juggling childcare.

I feel sorry for you OP but you need to be honest with your DD. You don't have either the space or money (or the mental energy really) to accommodate another family, it would be a nightmare for everyone. Put it back on her, what are her solutions that don't involve them living with you.

Completely agree.

I would secretly be gutted if this was my DD but I’d be encouraging her to live at home to reduce the impact it has on her life.

I would then be encouraging her to continue to go to uni and get a degree etc to get a decent job and lovely home for herself and baby.

If she can live at home for the first couple of years it will help her so much to get onto the career ladder etc and let them save up for a deposit for a home (or just savings for rent and furnishings etc).

If the bfs plan was to go to uni then I’d hope he’d continue to do this but live at home to save on rent and save for baby.
Then by the time DD goes he’ll be a graduate.

I definitely would not have him move in.

This was me- pregnant at 18, boyfriend was 19, had been together a year. I did end up moving him in with me at my parents before baby was born. I applied to do open uni so I could work full-time through my pregnancy and get some form of maternity pay, and also so I didn’t need childcare when baby arrived. We managed fine financially- I got the 500 pound surestart grant for the initial outlay of baby things, then received mat allowance, child benefit and tax credits, as well as boyfriends full-time wage. I was able to go back to work part-time around boyfriends shifts when baby turned one. We were able to pay board to my parents whilst saving up. We were able to buy a small house and move out when baby was one and got married shortly after. 15 years later we are still together. Also to add my mum certainly didn’t ’raise the baby’ as some have suggested is inevitable, she only helped on her own terms. Most women in their late teens/early 20s are more than capable of parenting, it came naturally to me and I really enjoyed the baby stage.

That said, there was plenty of space at my house and we were all easily accommodated. I would look at all options available and whether there are any other alternatives.

I don’t think her living with you is going to work so you should support her to find another plan. Make it clear having a baby means she has been thrown into fully fledged adulthood and she needs to come up with a sensible answer.

it’s not likely the BF will be a long term partner. I know it works out for some people but realistically going to uni is going to be more fun than being skint at home with a screaming baby. Some men would step up. Some wouldn’t. Only time will tell.

My suggestion is your daughter call the uni and explain the situation. Some unis have family accommodation available. It might not work this year but it might work in September 2027. Lots of unis are quite keen to make uni accessible to those with families, so she could always reapply to other unis this year if her current placement is not supportive.

I was pregnant at 18, had baby at 19, still went to uni as planned, single, no parental support. Baby is now 18 himself and about to go to uni, I own my house with my now husband and have 2 other kids, work full time. Whatever happens in the future is her choice, keep making good choices and put her and her baby before any boyfriends she will be fine!

My DD was 18. I let the BF move in but it was a big mistake as he was so selfish. DD did get housed by the HA once baby was born and went to university when she was a year old, but locally. Baby went to a child minder. She got a good degree then a post grad qualification and a masters. Now has a highly paid and responsible job. Planning her PhD. BF left when baby was 18 months and DD managed life fine. I'd help DD with accommodation for now until something permanent can be sorted, but not have the BF as that will be too much. It was a squeeze for us and that's how she and her DD got housed.

The reality is ops dd has really screwed up her future here, she should be getting uni and a career sorted out first especially in this day and age before having a baby.
Babies are expensive, you need a cot, pram, bottles (even if breastfeeding you may need bottles/breast pumps) formula, baby clothes (bear in mind they will be outgrowing these every few months), toys, all of the other random paraphernalia that comes with pregnancy and babies which quickly adds up easily into hundreds of £££.
Sure you can get some stuff maybe secondhand on fb marketplace or baby sales but where is the money coming from, you??
Also what happens if the boyfriend just up and leaves dd with the baby, because they often do when it gets too difficult? How is she going to support herself, how is she going to afford childcare when she is looking for a career/carrying on uni, is she going to be a sahm with you?
She needs to take off the rose tinted glasses for a second and you need to tell her that mummy can't always be running to the rescue.

She should be entitled to the sure start maternity grant (I was when I gave birth at 19) which is a £500 payment in pregnancy to cover initial outlay. I was able to get virtually everything by buying secondhand (but practically new) bits as there’s loads available. Once baby was born I received child benefit and tax credits which significantly bumped up my maternity pay from work and my boyfriend’s fulltime wage.

Of course I appreciate these were all benefits at taxpayers expense but just pointing out OP won’t need to fund the expense of baby equipment etc.

If they move in you’re going to end up supporting everyone; your DS, unemployed DH, pregnant dd and her boyfriend as well as your mother.
That’s a ridiculous amount of pressure, financially, emotionally, practically and physically.
Just say no.

Read what the OP has written.

To answer some questions, my husband has privately expressed that he doesn’t want her to have the baby but absolutely will not be saying this to DD. We have an excellent relationship with her and want to try to be as supportive as possible whilst taking DS into account and also being realistic about the space we have. My DS adores his sister but is struggling with the thought of a baby at the house and as he is vulnerable I need to consider him, too.

Together we have been gently pointing out the reality of her situation and the additional risks to her and the baby‘s health, as I had preeclampsia, so DD could be greater risk. Also, my DS was born with a serious heart condition that required surgery and the baby is at increased risk of being born with the same.

DD isn’t phased by any of this. She has always known her own mind. We always chat stuff through and she knows she is loved and respected even when we do not agree with her choices. She is academically capable and generally sensible.

The house is a small ex-council house, middle terrace. We are sleeping downstairs on a sofa bed so DD and DS can have decent size rooms. The box room is tiny and is currently housing our clothing and DH‘s desk.

We live in a City that is extremely short of housing and unfortunately this has gotten worse recently. DD and the boyfriend will struggle to get a council place and people are typically waiting over two years in temporary accommodation. This is just the reality of where we live, although he absolutely can go out and get a job and try to secure accommodation himself.

The boyfriend is the eldest of four, his youngest brother is five, and his bedroom at home is the box room (also a three bed house).

My DH and I will absolutely be stressing the importance of going to Uni and continuing her education. If DD studies closer to home we can help with some childcare/nursery drop offs and pick ups.

Im off to sort out dinner. Will pop by later as DH and I plan to have a chat this evening and decide on the next steps for himself and I.

Thanks all. Your opinions and advice has given me pause for thought.

It just gets worse and worse.
You are sacrificing your entire lives for your children.
Your DD should not be having this baby with all those health risks. She does not sound sensible at all.
" Knowing your own mind" here is = dumping it on exhausted mum.

Your update @PearlyDewDrops only makes it clearer that it is totally inappropriate for your DDs boyfriend to move in. You don’t even have enough space for yourselves - you don’t really have enough space for the baby.

My mum had me at 19 and her and my dad have just had their 65th wedding anniversary! But times were different then, expectations of life lower. Their relationship has been rock solid, but no way would I want my mum’s life for my own 19 year old daughter and neither would she.

And meanwhile with all this your husband is tiptoeing around her to be supportive.

Shouldn't she be supportive of you too?
How will she cope if the baby has all the health conditions you mention plus autism? You will be raising it.

Our DS has complex needs and cannot be left alone on a regular basis for more than a few hours. His autism and ADHD means this is impossible.

I have health issues which means I have chronic pain and fatigue. Likely brought on by being a carer. I also look after my 80 year old Mom as she has severe osteoporosis. I am happy to work in between my caring responsibilities and when I am well enough to. I did for a short time but the place folded due to lack of government funding.

My DH is working hard to get another job (he has only been unemployed for 6 weeks) and he will continue to be proactive until he finds one. He is very old fashioned and believes it’s his role to do so. I cannot fault him. It’s just unfortunate that all this has happened at once.