Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

OP your life is really tough. A recent sudden bereavement, on top of an unwanted house move as well as redundancy of the main bread winner in his 50s. You are a lifelong carer to you son with complex needs and to your mother. You health is understandably poor.

Sadly and every one of the above situations will get harder over time.

You need to be getting support for all of the above and not planning to take on more - ie logistics and emotional stress of a whimsical teenage relationship and their baby. That alone would floor many
families - never mind one that is shouldering what you are currently.

You need to prioritise you - so that you can cope with your son. I have seen it so many times where it’s the carer who ends up incapacitated or worse.

Please prioritise yourself here - just to survive. Your DH will also need support. It will be very difficult for him to find another job.

You are correct to want to sit your DD down with a tape measure and financial tool to demonstrate it’s not possible in your house and in your circumstances to house, support and finance another family. You also need to consider the emotional toll on you, your DS and your DH - that’s not something you can buy your way out of and oftentimes doesnt recover.

Of course you can’t dictate DDs next steps but you can show her the realities and your expectations that she and her BF fend for themselves as you don’t have the physical, emotional or financial capacity to shoulder these additional responsibilities.

Also is your current house rented? Because would your tenancy allow two more people?

LolaGold

I totally agree "Please prioritise yourself here - just to survive"

And presumably they got a bursary too? Different times indeed.

Judt imho but I was pregnant at a similar age, I was already not living at home as kicked out. I had to tell both of my parents I was pregnant, we have a difficult relationship due to my parents terrible parenting. I’m in my 50s and still not ok relationship with either of my parents.

BUT not one person said the word abortion to me, I told them I was going to have a baby. That was the end of it. My DC is the best thing that ever happened to me and my parents became the most wonderful grandparents. That would not have occurred if they had suggested I terminate (I’m not anti abortion I’ve had abortion and many miscarriages since). But my baby was good news, not unwanted.

I can’t imagine there’s housing at unis for students with kids. There definitely wasn’t in the 90s or 00s when i could have done with some. But OP your DD can still study, I went back to college then uni as my child grew up. I graduated. It’s all possible, a baby doesn’t stop you you just do things in a different order.

It might be possible to find private accommodation at her university - there is some provision for families but usually for postgraduates (generally international students who need to bring their families with them for the 4 -5 years of a PhD, for example).

Childcare facilities at universities are generally prioritised for staff, who cannot work without childcare!

My advice would be if your DD is holding a university offer, that when it’s confirmed after A Level results are published, she apply to defer for a year. We can offer
mitigation to students, but I’m not sure that that would be enough with a new born. I have taught undergrads with toddlers and they just about manage with a fair bit of family help - mostly very involved grandmothers.

Do you have capacity for that @PearlyDewDrops ?

I wonder if this is your DD’s unconscious response to having a high needs sibling who has taken up most of your time ….

It’s such a tough situation. But my advice re her education is that that can wait. University can wait. She can re-apply when her own family life is more settled.

It would be better for her to defer for a year, or postpone for more than a year, than try and drop out or not get the kind of degree she’s capable of. No wasted tuition fee and maintenance loans, for a start.

I wonder if this is your DD’s unconscious response to having a high needs sibling who has taken up most of your time ….

It will be.

This was mentioned by a previous poster and I understand their perspective. That doesn’t mean that the DD subconscious needs will be fulfilled with this action - there are much more constructive ways to address any emotional issues. It’s also not helpful or appropriate to blame the DPs who found themselves in such challenging circumstances. The DD could heal any inadvertent damage or unmet needs with a skilled therapist and an ongoing opportunity to build an even more solid life long adult to adult relationship with her DPs. The stress and disruption of a teenage pregnancy, unproven teenage relationship, loss of youth, social life, career opportunities and money stresses on top of all the chaos and trauma this family is already shouldering will not bring her the comfort and healing she needs.

I am sure they would have been wonderful grandparents at any time and any child you would have would have been exceptional. It could have turned out just as wonderful another time - I’m glad it worked out for you.

I agree @LolaGold but it seems as though the D’s desire to make a family is driving her, in spite of all the obstacles you list.

Yeah I only got the one chance of being a mum as a teenager. Not able to have any more since I turned 28, completely heartbreaking news. So I’m very very glad I had my baby.

That’s the sort of thing the OP needs to consider.

Has anyone blamed the OP or her DH, the autistic DS, or anyone else for this situation? Has anyone claimed that having a baby will make DD actually feel better?

It's better to be childless and regret it than be a parent and regret it. In the first situation, an innocent child hasn't been hurt.

DD shouldn't have a baby under such strained circumstances "just in case" of future infertility.

Oh no I didn’t mean that at all. All babies should be 100% wanted so they receive all the love and care they need.

I meant all sides need to be considered and there’s only one person who is pregnant and it’s her choice not anyone else’s.

I was just trying to let OP know I was the same age, well younger, than her daughter is now. The right maturity means you can be an excellent parent regardless of age.

the most important thing is it’s her DDs choice and not anyone else’s.

No of course they haven’t. However a few posters have mentioned the inadvertent negative impact on the well child in a family supporting a child with complex and challenging needs and the phenomena of the well child subconsciously seeking a need for unconditional love in other places. My point is that if this is what is subconsciously driving the DD to create her own little family this will be very unlikely to meet that need and will likely exacerbate it.

I don't think advertising a random book on autism addresses the current issue in the slightest. The decisions to be made are around a teenager's unplanned pregnancy, not general family life with an autistic adult.

I'm pro-choice but in this case I think the most important thing is not the daughters choice.... its the reality of actually can the parents provide adequately for this baby? Can they house the baby, afford food & childcare etc. Its all well and good loving a baby but that doesn't keep the wolf from the door.

Quite.
And promoting a book with the title ‘Autism is a gift…’ on a thread where the OP has said her son has such complex needs that he cannot be left alone for more than short periods is highly insensitive.

Agreed and for many peoole Autism really isnt a gift .

I agree with you 100% and am one of the "few posters" you mention.

I have a job and can live alone, yet there are aspects of being autistic that are very much a curse for me. OP's DS has much higher support needs than me, so touting a book that claims that him being autistic is a "gift" is tone-deaf, to say the least.

The DD has to realise that no woman wants an abortion the way she wants a new handbag, she wants it the way that she wants a friend's sofa to sleep on after her newly-ex-bf chucks her out. It's the least-worst option, not a desired one.

I think most kids see their mum's as this endless resource that can just keep on giving. I'm sure that it makes children feel secure growing up but that illusion can't last forever.

No she shouldn't be made to have an abortion but she needs to wise up and realise that she'll be on a council waiting list and may have to move out of area to be housed. She's not going to be in her bedroom with her teenage boyfriend and baby because she's old enough to be made to understand that the household won't cope with that.