Daughter Pregnant at 18.

[PearlyDewDrops]

My daughter has just announced she is pregnant one year into her relationship. They were using protection so this a big shock for her.

Her boyfriend is 19 and lives 3 hours away so she wants him to move in with so he can get a job immediately. They want to live with us for a while after the baby is born so they can save.

She has had to postpone her Uni place as the course is in a Northern City and we live in the Midlands.

We have had an awful year with my husband’s dad dying and an eviction from privately rented property due to our landlady dying. We have had to downsize and put lots of furniture and belongings in storage so there is literally nowhere to put baby equipment.

Plus my husband is currently out of work due to redundancy.

I am a carer for her older brother who has autism so I cannot work and my health isn’t good. I have applied for a part time course to do something for myself other than be a mum and a caregiver.

I don’t know how to support her in the way she is asking- for her boyfriend to move in and all three to live with us - and to not feel like my life and home has been taken over for the foreseeable future.

She won’t contemplate an abortion. Her choice of course.

Does anyone have any thoughts as I am in panic mode? Thanks.

I come from a community culture myself with many generations living together and women doing all the caring. ( which I do not condone)..And even in my culture, you would be a saint.
Stop being so supportive and leaning over backwards for your DD.

I think I'd actually hold off advising her to go to uni for now. If they're having a baby they both need to focus on earning some money to support themselves. Uni can come later when the situation is more stable and they have their own home. How can they earn enough to pay their keep and save if they intend to go to uni? Does the bf currently have a job or is he at uni? How did they actually meet if he's 3 hours away?

Anyway, having a baby takes away choices and changes priorities.

You're already sleeping downstairs on a sofa bed?!!

I just don't see it working,you'll all be exhausted.

I agree she should not be having the baby. That’s why I am so panicked, as we can currently discuss and figure out most parent/child issues. I know we need to step up and be frank but how to do that without causing long term damage?

How does she intend on supporting herself and her baby?

Damage to who?

She caused this problem, she's an adult so let her and BF sort it out

I guess if OP suggests DD have an abortion that might sour family relationship

@PearlyDewDrops have you asked DD how she and BF will cope if baby has same health issues as your son

Get some counselling from BPAS.
Would she agree to go? or your GP?

As for all the posters saying you will damage your relationship by suggesting an abortion, don't listen to them. But it might be better to have professional counselling from an impartial person.
I am assuming that she is in the early stages of pregnancy. How many weeks along is she?

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I would rather my DD hate me than ruin her life.

Absolutely this. It's awful you're sleeping a sofa in your own house, with your pain condition.
Some home truth needed for the daughter.

I guess you remind her (not that she should need it) of your current living situation and the strain that her idea would put on all of you. She needs to come up with her own solution to her situation. As a parent to be she needs to grow up and realise that she can't expect her family to struggle because she's screwed up. Time for some honesty I think.

How well do they really know each other if he lives 3hrs away. Assuming she has been doing A levels the past year they can’t even have seen each other much at weekends. You need to support your DD in a way that guides her to her long term future. Be prepared for that relationship to break down (well done to PP on here who have got thru) and make sure she is in a place where she can cope and continue with her studies and career when this happens. Don’t take him
on and don’t take on logistics, financials
etc with your DD - but do look to the medium term and be ready to guide her when it all comes to an end. To that point I would have her at uni locally, maybe staying home if money is tight, or family accommodation at local uni to start them off. What was she hoping to study and where? Was the place she was going to a big attraction socially? Will she feel she’s missing out. I am sorry that you are carrying so much in your life already - you need this life a hole in the head - but your support can be the more important strategic guidance rather than the domestic slave / drudge which will inadvertently not serve her. Be comfortable with that.

friedaklein

I really do not know that talking about abortion will damage the OP's relationship with her dd, but you don't know it won't. If this is a choice the daughter could make, mum can (of course) be supportive but if daighter makes it clear she doesn't want this, then I think it is daughter's choice.

Ok. I think the OP and her DH are tiptoing around so many issues, terrified of their daughter.
At the very least, why can't the DD get counselling, especially medical advice on the issues this baby may have?

friedaklein

"At the very least, why can't the DD get counselling, especially medical advice on the issues this baby may have?"

I think counselling is a good suggestion.

I think OP just needs to be clear what she cannot offer money, free accommodation, free childcare.

The boyfriend is keen to find a job as soon as possible as he finished his A Levels this summer.

Doing what? With what experience?

I agree, I think the OP is too worried about upsetting her DD whilst the DD does not give a damn about upsetting her family.

Honestly, who would suggest moving her boyfriend and a new baby into her parents house knowing that space is so short that her mother has to sleep on a sofa bed?

You should tell her to look up "Girl with the list" for a more realistic view on pregnancy and childbirth vs being a super lawyer that juggles her baby with a husband who is supporting them and trying his best to make them a success at life once she gets back on her feet.

And what is your daughter doing to cover the cost of having a baby?

@PearlyDewDrops

Did he not apply to University too, OP?

Were they planning to go to the same University?

And your daughter? Does she work? Gas she started applying for full time jobs yet? It isn't just his responsibility.

It doesn't seem from your updates that she has thought about the true realities of having kids.

My friend went into a mother and baby unit as she was homeless. After 6 months she got permanent social housing. She's an adult making adult decisions. You have enough to deal with and it wouldn't be fair on anyone to create a cramped inconvenient situation. Tell her you respect her decision but now she must make her own way in life

So now op has pointed out there is so little space where they live, she literally sleeps on a sofa bed to house her dd and ds with special needs.
Dds dad is currently unemployed, from the sound of it op doesn't work as she looks after her autistic ds.. This will bring so much unnecessary strain on the whole family and doesn't sound a good place to bring up a baby.
Also how will autistic ds cope around the baby crying and screaming, especially waking the family up at all hours.
It will be hell.