They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

But why, you don’t know her, you don’t know her tastes, you seem to think the fact it’s designer doesn’t mean she has to actually like the design.

and you also know full well it’s a brand with lots of fakes so resale is low. You even said so earlier.

Ask for the purse back now, well before your wedding. Keep it and use it yourself if you like it but if you don't then sell it on somewhere like Vinted to recoup what small amount you can of your financial loss on it. I'd then give her nothing back, but up to you.

If they don't have the purse then they can't gift it back to you.

If they do mention it again at any event at all then just say "yes, you've been very clear you didn't like it on several occasions. You've made your point, now drop it as you are being hurtful."

What purse did you buy?! Hermes? Chanel? There aren't a huge number of options at that price.

That is a very strange thing to splash out on not knowing what designer brands she actually likes, or whether she wants or needs a wallet.

They are rude - but equally, that is a very odd gift to buy 'blind' without some careful research into what someone likes.

'Designer' tastes are very personal and I am astonished that you do not know that and have just assumed that something that cost a lot from a well known high end brand would automatically be 'her thing'.

Anyway, take it back - you may well be able to return it unless you bought it years ago, and if not then sell it on - as long as you have proof of purchase direct from the brand itself or one of their official outlets, you shouldn't have any issues with people thinking its fake.

Surely this isn't true? Who on earth would spend £1k on a wedding gift, let alone a gift solely for the bride which she hasn't chosen?

I think in that case definitely your DH needs to speak to his brother as a PP suggested and say their remarks have gone beyond a joke and you don't want to hear another word about it. You don't want this hanging over you.

I keep a bank card and my driving licence in the back of my phone case so I'd be fine. I haven't taken my purse anywhere for about 5 years. It lives in my glove box.

Good grief - £1000 for a purse? Wow!!

It should have a resale value if you can prove authenticity - did it not come with a dust bag / COA / packaging?

What brand was it, OP? We can maybe advise on resale.

This is actually the first wedding I have been to as an adult (late 20s) last was when I was 14. Same for DP. Although he is from the culture, he left aged 18 and never went to a wedding in his culture. So we were trying to do the loveliest thing we could with the maximum budget.

They don't know we're upset.

I’m trying to imagine a black 1k purse? Prada?
It is an odd gift. I made a mistake once with a gift - I thought it was thoughtful but the recipient, who buys me sod all, didn’t get it - so I simply bought her zero after that.
No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

I'm not going to say the brand because then people will go on the website, send links with their guesses and call me out because they think they're ugly

so tell them you are upset

I think “cultural differences” lets people get away with arsehole behaviour. But if you want to go down that route, in your culture it’s rude and ungrateful to behave like that about a gift, so point out that it’s rude and you’re hurt by their behaviour, when you were just trying trying to do something kind

This reminds me of my SIL desperately trying for years to ingratiate herself with her stepmother. Each Christmas and each birthday, she would think of a very expensive gift (one year it was a Gucci bag - not the smallest one...) she would buy and each one of my FIL's children would have to contribute, even if they didn't like the idea. The stepmother has a difficult personality. Most of the time she seems dissatisfied and spends a lot of time complaining. I always considered these gifts were lost on her. She would say "thank you" and immediately started being dissatisfied and complain again - not about the gift, but it was never mentioned, as if it had never existed... Finally, after my FIL passed, my SIL completely lost it, had a big fight with her stepmother and they haven't been talking for years now and probably never will again.
So I think a small, thoughtful Christmas or birthday present would have had the same effect and saved the whole family a lot of money... And my SIL maybe wouldn't have become so resentful and would still talk to her stepmother (not that it really matters to me ...)

Well they may because some posters on here are quite odd, but I have googled black designer purses for £1k and I can find nothing that isn’t tasteful and chic. It is hard for a black designer purse to be really ugly imo.

whatever you are gifted you say thank you, you do not say you don't like it or dis it in any way. Your BIL sounds rude and horrible actually and by the sounds of it his new wife is too. Don't expect too much from them and you'll be fine, don't think twice about it as it sounds like they were money grabbing........ if they bring it up again tell them like it is, that you put thought in to the gift, that it was a lot for you and now you know they couldn't give a toss, then you'll not bother in the future.

I think it would be hard to find an ugly black purse for 1k. Most of them would be pretty streamlined?
By the way, while it wasn’t a traditional gift, you took in a piece of information about someone and tried to do something nice.
The thing is ‘designer’ can mean so many things these days….. and none of them are cheap.
Brands like Coach are sort of ‘everyday’ designer but a bag is still hundreds.
A classic Chanel bag is 11k.
Unless it’s your world, and you know the person’s taste, it’s hard to grasp.
I have a feeling this woman probably can’t afford designer but may buy fake stuff, which isn’t always cheap either? Some of it is rank, and so badly made.
Talking of purses, a friend’s mum bought me one to match my handbag back in the day, for a big birthday and the purse is still going 25 years later. While I didn’t pass out with excitement at the time, it was actually thoughtful and I love it. Very attached to it.
If I were you if take it back, sell it if it’s new, and then buy her something from TKMaxx.

So tell them? This is already a bit of a disaster in terms of your wasted money, but given that everyone else is being blunt, you’d probably save yourself a lot of misery and the story of the terrible present being brought up at every occasion for the next 20 years if you were equally frank in return.

It was an error brought on by partly wanting to make it a big gesture when money would be fine, it's not about the gifter it's about what the gifter wanted.

Saying that, they were horrifically rude, and at the end of the day it's your money spent not theirs. They didn't see the kindness behind the gesture as the gift and thought only of the money. Surely they can resell it if its worth a grand, maybe won't get a grand but still a hefty sum if its not her style. But awfully rude and to keep bringing it up is crass and gross.

I think because we have a good sense of humour and are quite easy going they thought we would take it in jest and were in on the joke. I didn't do anything initially to make them believe otherwise. The last time they joked I said 'I know we got it wrong, I wish we had given you the cash. DP put so much thought into it and was so exited to give it to you.'

Wow she was incredibly rude, but as high risk goes, that was 10/10. I'd hesitate to buy an handbag for my best friend. And £1000 on anything is remarkable.
Don't think I've ever spent more that £50 on a wedding gift.

Still the main point is, she was incredibly rude.

I wouldn't want much to do with her after that.

X post so added:

Tell them again, more bluntly, not to keep going on about it

They were both rude. But who buys an expensive handbag as a wedding present, and/or for someone who you don't know very well or their taste? I wouldn't know or appreciate a designer bag if you hit me round the head with it and some of them are absolutely awful.

It’s a weird gift because hand bags are very personal taste and to spend 1000 on a bag when you know nothing about them as a gift is very silly. Plus it’s a weird gift for a wedding.

regardless it is very rude of them and I would send them a strongly worded message that it is rude to criticise people’s gifts, that you spent a lot of money you didn’t have on a gift to welcome your SIL, that you are offended and will not tolerate it being brought up again. And cut them off if they continue

Yikes I think thay depends on taste . There are very few, I agree, the only one I can think of is Chanel. Which is fugly and so so many fakes, if someone who was not a high earner had one, you’d sssume it was fake. As that would be more likely,

I do wonder if fhey think it’s fake. The op doesn’t appear to have given a gift receipt, which makes me think they think they got her a fake Chanel purse and are passing it off as the real thing.