They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

totally rude, inappropriate and shameful behaviour. While I think your present was ill considered (it’s also an odd wedding present even if you knew the bride well), they should have accepted it gracefully.

Tbh a purse is a very odd gift for a wedding and I would have been confused to receive one but I would never act so ungratefully and they were incredibly rude. Most people these days do expect/prefer money and that's what most of our wedding gifts were. But even if I didn't like what we were given I would say thank you and either put it away never to be seen again or regift to someone else but not to the person whi gave it to me.

I would have the last laugh and not invite either of them to your wedding,

As a birthday gift? Fine.
Its a wedding! 😖

Some people are so
poor that all they value is money. Sounds like they deserve each other; personally, I would ‘grey rock’ them and have as little to do with their toxicity as possible…

I actually quite like the idea of thinking outside of the box for wedding gifts. Obviously a couple that's living together already or worse a couple combining two places aren't likely to need a toaster or a kettle. Personal gifts aren't a bad idea if that's what makes most sense.

What a graceless boor she is to behave like that. Crass beyond belief to ask for the money instead and mock/insult you both publicly.

Not all gifts I've received have been to my taste but i say thank you very much. As you say she could have resold or swapped it.

I think this thread is getting derailed with focus on the type of gift being "odd" but as you say it's not out of place in your culture to give personal designer items with heirloom value.

I'd ask for it back, sell on vinted and tell her she needn't get you a wedding gift as you'll keep the money in lieu.

Not quite as relevant but my mum used to say it was good luck to put a small amount of money in a purse or money box that you were giving as a gift and so i always did this. Until I gave a money box to a friend for her newborn baby and she moaned to another friend that I had given a second hand item -she assumed that had already been used when she found the coins. Could that assumption have been made here? It might explain why she's still needling you about it.

I can’t bear that kind of ungracious behaviour. I am afraid I would struggle not to give them a piece of my mind, but it will be better for future relations not to.

Just be honest and say “we’re really sorry. We put a lot of thought and effort into it, and wanted to give you a really nice gift we thought you’d like. We’re sorry we got it wrong. It was an expensive mistake as we can’t really afford it. We’d appreciate you not mentioning this again.”

Some people aren’t brought up that it’s the thought that counts, an if you have been brought up this way (ie with a bit of class and manners) that is hard.

Your friend is right. Your ILs are being really weird. Sell the purse and give her £20 back. When she acts offended tell her they have been nothing but nasty about a gift you put a lot of work into and clearly they’d rather you hadn’t bothered. So you’re not bothering.

That's a good point

OP the reason people are saying it's weird, odd etc is because wedding presents are generally joint presents

If they bring it up again, I’d say "Are you always this rude and ungrateful to people who give you gifts you don’t like? We spent a lot of money we couldn't really afford, trying to get you something we thought you’d like. I'm sorry we got it wrong, but there’s really no need for you to be so rude. If you hate it that much just sell it, or give it back to us and we'll sell it and be glad to get some of our money back. We won’t risk buying you any more presents."

Absolutely this! What a wagon & your BiL is no better, I cannot abide rudeness

Get it back, put it on Vinted, tell her you sold it for £10 and send her that, the cheeky cow.

I would tell them that you will take the gift back and swap it for what they want.

Then I would give them a toaster and £20 in a card.

Then you can either enjoy a lovely designer purse or get a refund if you can.

Please don't do this.. sell it by all means but in her greedy, rude dreams would I be sending her any money

Families eh?

Sorry op im with alot of others on here, it was not the best gift, they do sound awful, but a purse you thought for a wedding gift.

OP, I think you need to change your mindset about this. Yes, you meant well but she doesn't like the purse and won't use it. You have essentially wasted your money and she has a gift she won't use. I would be over the moon to get it back. You can then use it for yourself, so it is being used and cherished. I wouldn't get them another gift. Also, if they gift it back to you then I think you can call it even and don't need to feel guilted into getting them something else. If you really liked it then I would be really happy to get it back. You wouldn't have splurged that much for yourself, so in a way you now have and they don't have to get you an expensive wedding present you may not want. Honestly win win. Next time they mention to gift it back to you, I would tell them to please do and mean it.

For that kind of money and somebody I'd been told was interested in design, I probably would have bought a designer lamp, something like Artemide. Possibly a piece of furniture. I definitely wouldn't connect "fashionista" with it. But why on earth wouldn't they simply ask you if they could return it?

Quick look at Vinted shows brand new designer purses being sold for £700/£800 OP so if she does give it back you should be able to recoup some of the cost?

My DIL behaves like this. She once threw a gift back at me because it wasnt special enough. Id just come out of hospital.
So I dont get her anything now.

But OP's partner is from the same culture as his brother (obviously!) and (presumably) the brother's new wife. So shouldn't he have been more attuned to 'cultural expectations ' - such as giving cash as a wedding present?

No one’s getting out of this thread alive neurotypical…

Bizarre gift but ungracious response. I can see why she was worried about being accepted!

Has your DP spoken to his brother about the response? If not why not?

If you are worrying about it being given back on your wedding day ask for it before. Take control and say that you will not accept their joke revenge on your wedding day.

Holy fucking shit! I just cannot fathom people like this.. I'm a money &/or vouchers gifter unless absolutely stated otherwise but the levels of ungrateful pricks in the world never fails to enrage me, be gracious, accept the gift & maybe have a laugh with your OH later in PRIVATE... return it if possible but I would never make someone feel like a shit over a gift they took the time to give me

Abuse!? Oh please.🙄

That term is being watered down these days to the extent it is insulting to sufferers of genuine abuse.