They didn't like our wedding gift

[penslas]

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

It’s a purse as in wallet.

Whilst it's a weird wedding gift and also far too subject to taste to splash out.

If she wanted to make money from it she'd have sold it by now. She's trying to be hurtful. She could sell it herself and not be so rude.

If you have it off her sell it and don't give them the money.

Is she Chinese?

people from China can be very blunt (for British taste for sure) when they are speaking English. You can be equally blunt back though.

So? Wallets are just as personal in taste. Even more personal because I have one wallet and multiple handbags so I need it to be 100% right. My point still stands.

Be bold in return and ask for the purse back ‘because it was SO expensive’. I don’t think it was a weird gift.

I had a look at Chanel and they tend to only do card holders and coin purses now.
It is much harder to get a standard purse now as less of us carry cash?

They were rude but why didn’t you just return it and get the money back?

Just post a photo of the purse for goodness sake

Sorry you have had this experience OP,

Ask you SIL to send you the purse and you will sell it - then she can't gift it to you as it will be gone.

When you email to ask her to send it send some links to some colourful, sparkly purses that you love (that are around £20) and you can say "If you want to get me a purse for my wedding as "revenge" I love these" then if she does buy you one of these purses you are in on the joke and like the purse.

If she buys you a black purse when you have let her know you like the colours then she is just nasty and ignore!

I wonder if finding a specialist that can authenticate your purse to sell it you might get a better price?

What a strange reaction from them. £1k is a huge amount to spend on a wedding gift, especially when you're also paying to travel to the wedding abroad.

If they didn't like the purse (do you mean a handbag purse or literally a purse for money and bank bards?) they could have tactfully just said "oh gosh, we can't accept such a generous present". It's useful context to know that the BIL is autistic as he may well be more straight talking and less nuanced but his response sounds just plain rude.

As you're both on pretty normal incomes, yes that £1k is a massive deal to you. It was very thoughtful of you to seek advice about the purse and from what you say it sounds like it's an investment piece that could be used plenty in the future.

As for wedding gifts needing to be used by the couple, sure, but when we went shopping with our vouchers I was in the hairdryer dept and said "oh don't worry, we'll use these for stuff we both use" and my husband "if you need and want a decent hairdryer, use the vouchers for it, you'll use it so much". So I did and I'm still using that hairdryer 17 years later!

Oh FFS it's a purse. How ugly can it be?

Designer shoes on the other hand 🤮

It's hard to believe anyone would be this rude. The correct response is thanks that's lovely and sell it on eBay surely.

I'm on their side, you've just given them a job of selling something to try and recoup money.
They might re-gift it to you thanking either you like it and would be happy to have it, or you've been happy to give them a job so they are happy to give that job back to you. And I think that's just part of the consequences of you messing this up.
It's not just that she didn't like the purse, it's the whole situation.
Firstly the value, even if she did like it that's a lot of pressure.
Then the assumption that liking designer items means she will like any designer item. It makes it seem like you think she is shallow.
And lastly giving it without a gift receipt turns it into a job if she doesn't like it, which she didn't.

I think you need to shut this down now. How about, "Please don't re-gift this to us at our wedding, I would find that extremely upsetting." It's polite but to the point.

Doesn't matter if it's ugly or not. A purse is a functional item. So it needs to have correct size, number of card holders, size of coin holder to fit the way that the person wants to use it. And no, all purses are not created equally. It normally takes me ages to find one that is too my liking .

If it's not intended to be used it's a very expensive dust gatherer.

This
You were being thoughtful
Unusual gift for a wedding but even so they were being rude. I wouldn't EVER dream of saying they should have given cash instead.
Ask for it back if they are so down on the gift

Please post a picture OP. You’ll probs be reassured it’s a perfectly acceptable purse to gift someone and not ugly. Even if she didn’t like it, she’s been super rude and appears to be after cash.

What?! She can fuck off to the far side of fuck and when she gets there fuck off again! Cheeky cow! I'm livid on your behalf!

If they regift it for your wedding all you have to say is 'wow, thank you. I know we gave it to you but it'll be worth a bomb in a few years. What a lovely investment in us.' Don't give it headspace. It's already cost you more in angst than actual money

I think it’s very rude of them even if they didn’t like it. They could have just said thank you and sold it on or returned it to you in private and very politely. (If it’s Dior can I have it I’ve always wanted one )
Seriously though I can’t imagine ever hurting someone in a family I was joining by not only being so rude at the time but then making a joke about it later.

It should be fine to sell, OP, most resale sites for expensive designer items will have checks to ensure it’s genuine. The payment would show on your online bank statement too if it helps you to authenticate for a buyer (£1k spent at Harrods / Chanel) just black out the rest of the statement.

They call them wallets and do a few.

https://www.chanel.com/gb/fashion/p/AP0231Y01295C3906/classic-small-flap-wallet-lambskin/

It's a purse apparently

it's black

how can one go wrong with a black purse

apart from it's size

as the Channel one a reply or two before this is too small for me, wouldn't hold enough cards

but it's a black purse with I guess the ' designer's ' logo