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Original poster

They didn't like our wedding gift

467 replies

penslas · 29/07/2026 11:40

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 29/07/2026 16:54

Calliopespa · 29/07/2026 16:51

Abuse!? Oh please.🙄

That term is being watered down these days to the extent it is insulting to sufferers of genuine abuse.

Show quote history

If it's a sculpture that takes up and entire room I'd maybe understand.

0Thatsplenty0 · 29/07/2026 16:54

Gettingbysomehow · 29/07/2026 16:24

My DIL behaves like this. She once threw a gift back at me because it wasnt special enough. Id just come out of hospital.
So I dont get her anything now.

Oh my word, that is awful behaviour from her. What does you son think of the way she behaves towards you?

Carrie516 · 29/07/2026 17:04

penslas · 29/07/2026 11:40

I went to a wedding in Jan and this is still being brought up like it's a joke.

I really get on well with BIL. I think he has mild autistic traits. He is kind and means well.

BIL got married very quickly after dating. He lives abroad so we hadn't met his partner until the wedding.

We heard some things about her. She is not well off, really likes designer things but has never been able to afford any, and is very anxious about being accepted by the family. BIL told us the last one so we would be extra welcoming.

So we wanted to do something really nice for her.

We are not that well off. DP and I earn £30k each and live in an expensive UK city. But we wanted to show BIL how much he means to us and welcome our new SIL. So we set a budget of £1k to spend on them and were so excited with our really generous budget.

DP didn't just want to give money as he found it unthoughtful. So we decided we wanted to get her something designer she could keep. So without knowing much about designer brands our friend who is into them told us it was a good idea and recommended a black purse with a pretty pattern as it's versatile. She gave us a few good brands. My DP went to a big designer store in London and the shop keeper helped him pick one for our budget.

Well went we went abroad to the wedding, DP excitedly showed BIL to explain our gift and BIL said he would have just preferred the money. DP showed him the purse and he said it was ugly.

I was then so embarrassed to gift it to SIL. But we did and she acted nonchalant. She later said 'what were you guys thinking? you should have just gifted us the money.' She turned to me and said 'how could you let him buy something so ugly'.

So now I just feel really rubbish. It's been on my mind since. It's just so much money for us and I can't imagine responding to a gift like that.

We travelled over again last month and it got bought up again. We're engaged now and they said that they're just going to regift us the same gift we got them and we can try and sell it and that will be our gift. I don't know if they're joking. But with the literal hours I spent earning that money I didn't appreciate it.

I know we messed up with the gift. Lesson learned we won't do that again. But I also don't think I could ever receive a gift like that and act that way. I explained how this was hours of work and thought put into it. But now I feel like I had let them down.

I just don't know what to say next time they bring it up as a joke again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I guess i'm just wondering if I messed up so bad that of course they would react that way or if you think they should be more grateful

Sorry, but it's always acceptable to gift money for weddings, almost expected. And while they're reaction to the purse is a bit rude (I would expect to keep hearing about it for the next 30 years!) It was an odd thing to gift when a newly married couple could have used the money on much needed things.

Calliopespa · 29/07/2026 17:27

Justmyopinionbut · 29/07/2026 14:41

I'd actually pre-empt it. Your fiance needs to tell his brother that 'culturally' how they have reacted to the gift is impolite to you and the constant mention of it is also pretty insulting...it's not how you'd expect to be treated after clearly making effort with a gift. You seem to be very understanding of how you e upset them but they need to understand how you feel. Nip this in the bud now before you get massive anxiety for your wedding.

Yes, I agree with this.

They are making a huge deal over their disappointment and not thinking at all about being hurtful.

Also, while I think a purse was an unusual gift - and it was - for a wedding, reading your posts, I can see how you felt it was welcoming and reflected something you knew about her and the things she would like, which is really the point of a gift.

Calliopespa · 29/07/2026 17:28

WhatNoRaisins · 29/07/2026 16:54

If it's a sculpture that takes up and entire room I'd maybe understand.

Show quote history

Yes, well maybe if it took up the whole room!

Calliopespa · 29/07/2026 17:30

Sassylovesbooks · 29/07/2026 14:31

The OP, has realised that the gift for her SIL was off the mark. It's now a case of shutting the conversation down, if it gets dragged back up, for the millionth time.

For the record OP, both your BIL and SIL are very very rude, for not only telling you that your gift was terrible but to keep bringing the subject up. Even if it was the world's worst looking purse, no one with an minimal amount of decency would have said that to your face. You say 'thank you, that's kind of you', whilst mentally preparing an eBay or Vinted listing in your head!

If the subject does get brought up again prior to your wedding, or you feel it needs to be addressed say 'We are both sorry that you didn't like your present from us. We understand that we didn't get it right. However, can we please put the whole incident behind us, without the need to keep bringing the subject up?'. You don't need to be rude but you need to be firm.

Unfortunately, there is a distinct possibility that they both do regift the purse back to you OP. If this does happen, and especially in front of others, then you need to downplay the situation. You know there's possibility of it happening, so mentally prepare yourself for that. If it does my reaction would be laughter and a comment like 'Oh this reminds me, I must remember to eBay some things'.

Or: "Oh my goodness! That's so incredibly GENEROUS of you! I know what these cost ..."

TheRealGoose · 29/07/2026 17:39

honeylulu · 29/07/2026 15:57

What a graceless boor she is to behave like that. Crass beyond belief to ask for the money instead and mock/insult you both publicly.

Not all gifts I've received have been to my taste but i say thank you very much. As you say she could have resold or swapped it.

I think this thread is getting derailed with focus on the type of gift being "odd" but as you say it's not out of place in your culture to give personal designer items with heirloom value.

I'd ask for it back, sell on vinted and tell her she needn't get you a wedding gift as you'll keep the money in lieu.

Not quite as relevant but my mum used to say it was good luck to put a small amount of money in a purse or money box that you were giving as a gift and so i always did this. Until I gave a money box to a friend for her newborn baby and she moaned to another friend that I had given a second hand item -she assumed that had already been used when she found the coins. Could that assumption have been made here? It might explain why she's still needling you about it.

I don’t think thays their culture at all, as if it was they’d not have reacted like that, the op also says neither of them really go to weddings so don’t know. As the op is British though I’d habe expected her to know wedding gifts were joint gifts and it seems that’s what the couple expected. So culture I think is just as she’s embarassed and blaming that.

i suspect they also think it’s fake as the op isn’t providing the gift receipt and they don’t have much money

so I think the issue here is they think it’s fake and the present to him costs nothing and that’s why they are being rude.

chillyputsomesockson · 29/07/2026 17:43

Is there something in the water?! Another thread about spending a lot of money on a gift then being upset when the recipient didn’t like it!
I know you intended well but to spend a grand on a purse for someone when you know nothing about their personal taste is bonkers! I think them regifting it back to you for you to try and sell isn’t a bad idea!
Better than a £1k purse sitting in a drawer unused.

I don’t think there’s anything to say to shut it down as it is bonkers, you need to recognise it’s bonkers and see the humour in it. If it is going to be shut down I think what you said last time you saw them was the best thing to say to try and make that happen.

XelaM · 29/07/2026 17:51

chillyputsomesockson · 29/07/2026 17:43

Is there something in the water?! Another thread about spending a lot of money on a gift then being upset when the recipient didn’t like it!
I know you intended well but to spend a grand on a purse for someone when you know nothing about their personal taste is bonkers! I think them regifting it back to you for you to try and sell isn’t a bad idea!
Better than a £1k purse sitting in a drawer unused.

I don’t think there’s anything to say to shut it down as it is bonkers, you need to recognise it’s bonkers and see the humour in it. If it is going to be shut down I think what you said last time you saw them was the best thing to say to try and make that happen.

Edited

Oh which other thread? Can't see it

latetothefisting · 29/07/2026 18:03

penslas · 29/07/2026 12:56

the return date is long gone. I have no idea what the resale value would be but probably not high due to fakes etc.

We won't seem them in person again until my wedding so I doubt they will have the opportunity to rehash the joke. But I'm worried they'll regift the purse to me at my wedding as a joke and I will feel really rubbish. Really close family bought gifts to be opened on the spot at breakfast the day before and after with theirs.

I'm quite sensitive about it so I know it will upset me.

I don't get why you'd be so unhappy to get the purse regifted. On its own merits, surely if you thought it was a good enough present for them it's good enough for you?

From what you've said about them it sounds unlikely they'd spend anywhere near £1k on a present for you. Assuming you have the receipt you'll be able to sell it for a lot more than they can, as people will be more willing to buy second hand designer stuff with proof of purchase than they will a potential fake. So even if you only get £500 back for it it will probably still be more than what they would have otherwise got you.

If you'll be upset because you think they'll go into the whole story again, just ask your BIL to tell his brother not to. Even if they do everyone will judge them for being rude and weird, not you.

Wishingitwaswinter · 29/07/2026 18:06

That is the worst wedding gift ever. Not even hone related. Definitely in 2026, better off giving money so they can start there new life in the style they like. If she wanted a purse she could have bought that from wedding money but it's hardly going to start them off in married life. I'd definitely regift you it back

Maddy70 · 29/07/2026 18:09

They are incredibly rude but who buys a purse as a wedding gift? What an odd thing to do. Is that what they commented on rather than the fact it was not to their liking ? Something like that is individual taste and not something that I would spend that kind of money on for someone else that money would have been a great wedding gift!

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2026 18:10

I still can't get over yo u think a 1k purse for your SIL when you only earn 60k is reasonable.

But they're utterly rude and I wouldn't gift them anything again. I'd offer to take it and sell it, sell it, and keep the money. If she asks for the cash, give her £20. Tell her yo u sold it cheap as it was seemingly so awful.

diddl · 29/07/2026 18:11

Op if she wants you to sell it & give her the money then surely she won't re gift it?

If she does re gift then it's yours to do as you wish with.

chillyputsomesockson · 29/07/2026 18:18

@XelaMthere was a thread a few days ago where an op saved for 3 years to buy DH an expensive watch and booked holiday to Dubai for his birthday (it was on his bucket list) and he was disappointed as it cost so much money and it was stuff he wanted to be involved the experience of buying / planning of the holiday

likeitshard · 29/07/2026 18:41

selfish ungrateful arseholes! I’d message and say “sorry you are still upset about the 1k purse we gift you. Please feel free to sell it. “
Then I would be civil going forward but nothing more.

hattie43 · 29/07/2026 18:42

It was silly to choose an expensive gift like that because people’s tastes are so different. Having said that these people have acted disgracefully. I’m not sure I’d want them in my life tbh .

AcrossthePond55 · 29/07/2026 18:47

@penslas

I collect a 'certain type of a certain brand' of designer handbag and TBH no one I know would even try to gift me one not just because of the cost, but because, as you've learnt to your cost, these things are very personal. But that's no excuse for the rude and ungracious way she (and he) have behaved.

I daresay most of us know of, or have been the recipient of, an 'awful vase' or 'ugly clock' that we've gotten from a well-meaning guest. It doesn't matter if it came from the Pound Shop or cost a mint, the proper thing to do is to thank the giver graciously, stick it in a closet, and put it out whenever they visit. After a few years or when DC or a large dog make their appearance, it 'unfortunately' got broken (ie given away, sold, or donated to a charity shop).

Frankly, I'd tell her to send it to me and I'd sell it. I'd sell it for the most you can get for it (your friend who's into designer bags can probably help you) and send 'the bride' 10% of the selling price telling her that's what it sold for on Vinted (or wherever) and keep the rest of the money.

And I wouldn't invite them to my wedding, either. No one should be invited to a wedding if you think they may make remarks or jokes about a gift you've given them.

Goldengirl123 · 29/07/2026 19:24

How rude!!!

ByUniqueViper · 29/07/2026 20:14

Aww thats so sad as you spent a lot and made a huge effort. Next time its brought up I think you should provide them with the same explanation that you've provided for us and explain how upset you feel

Beesandhoney123 · 29/07/2026 20:24

Get the bag back, tell her you got £50 for it and keep the rest.

Never buy presents again, and a home made jar of jam with a pretty label will suffuce in future. A grand!!! Dont let people think you have money to burn like that, esp as you dont.

Oriunda · 29/07/2026 20:32

Does your BIL/SIL have a 'match the gift' culture? My DH family does; we had an aunt spend 1k on our gift list, which was a nightmare for us, as we had to return the favour.

So I can imagine that both BIL/SIL are not impressed at receiving a, to them, useless gift that they'd have to reciprocate. So, yes, I can quite see the resisting of said purse as an elegant solution.

'Poor' people are allowed to have taste. This doesn't mean gifting them, say, a Michael Kors purse and expecting them to be pleased. Though, for 1k, I'd hope the label was LV or Dior!

SylvanMoon · 29/07/2026 20:34

penslas · 29/07/2026 12:02

she has asked me to sell it for her and send her the money

So why are you doing what she's asked you to do? Why aren't you trying to sell it for her and then sending them whatever money it generates? Instead you're fretting about them regifting it to you as your wedding present. That's just stupid. And if you don't try to sell it for her, you deserve to be humiliated with it being their gift to you on your wedding.

JustGiveMeReason · 29/07/2026 21:01

aberturret · 29/07/2026 11:45

Obviously their reaction is horrifically rude but why on earth did you:

Spend £1k on a wedding gift

Buy a purse as a wedding gift! Shouldn’t it be something for them as a couple?

Include a gift receipt so they could exchange if not to their taste - I wouldn’t have the faintest idea what kind of purse my sister in law would like.

If I wasn’t well off I’d be a bit confused if someone bought me an expensive designer purse rather than something for my house I actually needed! I’d be embarrassed at my in laws spending £1k on me full stop to be honest as I’d never be able to spend that in return.

I have to agree with this from the very first page, and all the similar messages from others.

Yes, they were rude - or at least a bit blunt - in the way they spoke to you, but it was such an odd present to buy for someone. For anyone, but particularly for someone you hadn't met and didn't know anything about her tastes. But also, for a wedding Present ?? Shouldn't that be something for the couple ? But also sucha ridiculously huge amount of money for people on an ordinary sort of income.

I actually think the idea of gifting it back to you is quite amusing. There's no point in it sitting in a drawer or cupboard somewhere. Although when you found out your mistake, wasn't that the time to see if you might have been able to get a refund on it ?

Tryagain26 · 29/07/2026 21:46

SylvanMoon · 29/07/2026 20:34

So why are you doing what she's asked you to do? Why aren't you trying to sell it for her and then sending them whatever money it generates? Instead you're fretting about them regifting it to you as your wedding present. That's just stupid. And if you don't try to sell it for her, you deserve to be humiliated with it being their gift to you on your wedding.

Show quote history

Why should she try and sell it for her ? If the sister in law doesn't want it she should sell it herself. It's extremely ungracious of anyone to say I don't like the very expensive present you gave me sell it for me and give me the money instead