I dont want my husband to come home

[IveNameChangedObviously]

If you recognise me, please don't say anything.

My husband was unexpectedly admitted to hospital 7 months ago and is still there. I dont know when he'll be coming home.

He is not the same person now and never will be. He doesn't like who he is now either but it is what it is.

I think I'm going to have to take on some caring duties. I don't know what yet. He is going to need support, maybe a little, maybe a lot, maybe short term, maybe long term. It will be a lot to begin with. I dont want to be his long term carer.

And our lives are never going to be the same. The list of things he can't (won't?) do is going to be huge.

Our 16yr old is missing him but is dealing with that by pretending he doesn't exist. She simply will not even entertain discussing him.

I dont think I want him home. 😪 I have gotten use to him not being here and I dont think I want a relationship with this new person and these new rules.

He has decided that he might pop round today on a day out from the hospital. This is his house but it feels like he's invading. It made me want to ask for his key. He'll probably go for a lie down which should be fine but I'm almost repulsed by the idea of him lying on the bedding I changed yesterday. I know I'll want to change it again tonight.

I am sat here looking at his normal spot on the sofa and all I can think of is all those minor annoyances everyone has. I just cant imagine laughing or watching TV together anymore.

We've not been great for a while. We were mostly OK and it could have been fixed but him being away his has just put a huge spotlight on everything I wasn't happy about.

I have also realised I don't need him. Which is healthy, don't get me wrong. I was too dependent on him before and this has forced me to stop being that way, which is good. But equally that will change our relationship dynamic when he comes home. I honestly don't know if he'll be releived or displaced that I can do and actually do what I always asked him to do. I think a bit of both.

I have all sorts of unresolved anger issues and resentment towards him (mostly unfair probably) but I just dont have the mental energy to deal with those right now so they are packed up to deal with at some point in the future.

I'm not willing to say that we're done before I give him/us a chance. But I feel like my head has already decided that.

I just dont know what to do.

Just to add to this - it's all well and good to do the 'in sickness and in health' thing about your partner, but becoming a full-time carer for someone with huge physical and/or mental health needs doesn't just affect the pair of you, it affects everyone around you and can damage those relationships too if you have no time for them. My mother is caring for my stepfather at the moment and while it comes at a really harsh emotional cost to her, it also means she never sees me or my kids. The OP has a teenage daughter who has to be the priority here.

As others say OP - get this sorted before your husband comes out of hospital otherwise SS will make him your problem and you'll be forced into carer mode. Good luck with it all.

I imagine it’s better to get his accommodation and other help sorted out for another location now rather than if he comes home. Whether it’s right or wrong it doesn’t matter because it’s how you feel and so if you don’t want him home then so it. Get all his needs sorted out while he’s in the system.

I think you have maybe got me confused with someone else?

Our relationship did not have huge problems. It needed work but was fixable.

I have never felt financially trapped. I earn almost twice as much as him. I could manage financially by myself if I needed to. It wouldnt be easy but I could.

He'd probably say the same about me not contributing enough to the household work.

Similarly he would probably feel it's easier to just do some things himself rather than ask me.

I think if you knew the OP's backstory you would realise the nature of the husband's condition means that he isn't really any longer the man she thought she was marrying. He's delusional and sometimes aggressive and threatening, and has history of refusing to take his anti-psychotic meds. He also threatened to abscond with the OP's daughter.

Are you married? Because if you are you are finding out what the “in sickness and in health” bit of the marriage vows really means. I don’t suppose anyone can stop you abandoning him now that he needs you more than ever but it would be very selfish.

Is there a charity or other helpline or support group you could talk to (other than here of course which I hope you find supportive)? It's a very difficult situation but I can understand why you don't want anything further to do with him. As far as I know there is no legal obligation to act as an unpaid carer.

Glad to hear you have your judgey vibes on today!

It’s a big ask from the husband. Especially as my understanding is his insight isn’t good and could do more to help himself e.g. listen to medical professionals, take his medication etc

Previous thread by the op.

If he was abusive before, how about calling the National Domestic Abuse Helpline? IMO you have to put your daughter and you first.

I wonder whether you can contact MIND and speak to them about your circumstances. I think it is totally okay to say that you cannot do this and seek alternatives: for example could you separate with a view to divorce, buy out his share of the family home [or sell up and downsize] and get some support from MIND or Adult Social Services about having him allocated a flat in assisted-living housing? In fact, I would contact Adult SS to insist on an urgent assessment and highlight that you have a 16yo living in the house and there is a safeguarding issue if DH has a relapse.

We all do the ‘in sickness and in health’ pledge as part of our vows, but when we say those words we have no idea what we mean by ‘sickness’ or what the implications of that will be in terms of raising children and continued working. You have no idea who this man is now. He is not the man you fell in love with. It is not cruel to say you cannot do this and to ask for help setting up an alternative plan.

My adult son has been through similar, luckily he was given a place in mental health rehab facility. They have been great, he is much more stable and functional now. Can you push for this to delay him coming home, to give you time to stop, take time for yourself and then see how you feel? You have done so well, to come this far while supporting your daughter.

Getting him into supported accommodation will be 100 x easier from hospital than if he comes home first.

That. A hundred times over.

Unless something has massively changed, it's not safe for him ever to be alone with your daughter. You need to be spelling that out now, and insisting that he needs to be moved to supported accommodation.

Your situation, @IveNameChangedObviously is possibly the most awful, and the most sad that I've read on Mumsnet. It's evident that normal family life is never going to resume for any of you.

I don't know how the system works, but you need to have serious and honest conversations with whoever is the relevant person/agency. And you need to put across incredibly strong boundaries. I suspect your daughter's welfare is going to be your trump card.

It's all just so tragic. I'm so very sorry.

Who says he supported her for a long time?

@IveNameChangedObviously

TBH, I think the first thing you need to do is see a solicitor and find out your exact legal position wrt him coming home and whether you filing for a divorce will change any of his options (or his mind). I have a feeling that if he doesn't want sheltered acccom, no one can force him into it whilst he has a home with his name on it. If you refuse to be his carer I'm sure that a care package will be done for him and I wonder if it would be easier to get if you were going through a divorce.

Bottom line though, if he wants to be home, he will be home whether or not you lift a finger. And if you truly don't want to be his carer (and it sounds as if your brain knows this already) it's probably best not to start as if will probably be harder to convince TPTB that you want to stop so they need to put a care package together.

Right, wrong, or indifferent, you get to make the choices that work for you. And to bear the consequences of those choices. I've been married for 38 years and accepted wholeheartedly that one spouse becoming carer for the other is a real possibility and would have become DH's carer with an open heart. But instead, he became an alcoholic and a year ago I left due to his behaviour. His mental state is deteriorating and I have to admit that I am relieved that I will never be his carer now. Even should he become sober, I will never live with him again, too much water under that bridge. So I don't know what has gone on in the past in your marriage (and not asking) but you have the right to review your marital 'past' and take it into consideration.

If you decide that you will not be his carer, you should explain why to your DD. It may mean bringing up marital 'events' you'd rather she didn't know about, but IMHO she will need an explanation of your decision.

You don't know that OP, honestly. Anyway, your dh's hypothetical caring willingness and aptitude are irrelevant here.

Do you even know if a family member can provide the care he needs? If he has been in hospital that long won't he need specialist care? It doesn't sound like something to be attempted by an amateur.

And I can imagine everything you have been through could easily have killed your wifely feelings. Manybyears ago my dh was gravely ill with some very unpleasant (physical) effects and for a while I really couldn't think of him as my husband 🤢.

We were lucky as it was the kind of condition that was treatable and I "got him back".

But if he is now someone else and you now recoil from him, I think you have to own that.

Could your little house be traded for two flats? Can your house be adapted to include a studio for your dh or would he rather move out? Could you and dd move out to a flat, and your dh/family take over the mortgage on the house?

If he is not safe to live alone then he needs professional care, surely? The NHS cannot just fall back on assuming youll do it..What would happen if he was single?

You really do not have to stay. I couldn't, and I think a lot of people would be the same. Frankly, I would be too scared.

💐💐💐💐💐 For you

In other words you know what you need to do for yourself, but you feel guilty ? OP what we would do in this kind of situation is something that crosses everyone’s mind at some point or other, and something that, as time goes on, we will all face from either the point of view of the carer or the person being cared for.

When that time comes - and I’m guessing it’s come for you sooner than most - I don’t think you can separate out the guilt. It doesn’t matter whether he’s a saint or a demon or how he’s been in the past. Or whether he would do the same for you. But that shouldn’t stop you from doing what’s right for you and your DD.

I think the starting point may be a conversation with the hospital staff as to what care will actually look like when he’s discharged - and also from a safety point of view if there have been MH issues - and take things from there.

Agree with all of this. What it boils down to is that OP is going to have to refuse to have him home, and stick to her guns when the pressure is brought to bear.

You know how you feel about this so in your shoes I would not dwell on what ifs or the wider consequences for him at the moment.

Formally (and firmly - you might have to be very firm as it will be assumed that you will care for him full time as his wife) decline caring responsibilities before he comes out so you’re not stuck with him at home and no help.

Then get on with separating and sorting out your living arrangements so you have your own place where there’ll be no pressure from the hospital to have him home.

Your first duty is to your daughter. She is the minor under your care. Any decision you make has to be centered around what is best for her. What is guaranteed to be best for her, especially at her age, is a mentally strong and emotionally healthy mother.

He doesn't have to come straight into the house. He can go to a transitional location or facility first. He has the same absolute duty you do for her well being. A qualified mental health specialist should evaluate her and make a recommendation.

It reads as if your biggest problem might be his ownership of the house. You need to speak to a divorce lawyer/solicitor so that you understand what rights you have and don't have. It doesn't mean you will divorce; it means you will have a better understanding of where you stand. You absolutely need to know this in order to make informed decisions. You needed it yesterday. Get to someone today if you can.

This I feel is hugely important (I know that it’s not part of your OP) because the ‘he isn’t the man he was’ is taking in a very different meaning. And tbh it is answering one the questions I had.

Now I am the disabled person here. And before my condition relapsed, I’d say my marriage wasn’t great either.

My two pences worth
1- any illness/accident/new condition is pushing a marriage to its limits. When things werent really great in the first place, theyre getting worse. It’s the resentment you’re feeling. The anger at becoming what you don’t want to be (a carer with all it entails). The grief for the life you had, because regardless of what you do, it will never be the same.
2- some disabilities are easier to get round than others. Becoming a wheelchair user takes some adapting to. Someone loosing their intellect (like a friend of mine whose dh strength was his mind and his discussion abilities and lost a lot of it following a stroke) is very much loosing the person you married. But welcoming someone who is aggressive, violent/psychotic?? That’s a really different ball park and no one should be asked to ‘put up with it’. It’s a safety issue.
3- you need to take your dd into account in yur decision process. Will she be able to cope either way her dad being there on day to day basis? Would she cope with way her his aggressivity for example?
4- please think hard before agreeing to anything with the hospital. The system is designed to put all the care giving onto the shoulders of family. You in this case. Don’t accept things because they tell you Theres no other choice! You’ll have to kearn to be extremely assertive on that one.

You mentioned support housing
Would it be possible to START with support housing? That way everyone can see what his real needs, once out of the hospital, are. You’re not the one scrambling around sorting out his care (I assume he wouldn’t be able to do it himself?) if it becomes evident that living together is just unmanageable.
And in the other side, you can then do a a very slow moving in if you feel it’s ok (fur you, fur your dd).

And very importantly, please don’t feel guilty for not wanting him back in your house. Don’t feel ashamed that you don’t want an aggressive man in your house.
It’s always very easy to say ‘in health and in sickness’ when you’re not in that position.

Not sure if others are correct, that this is mental health related, but it does make sense of your OP if so.

I don’t think you have to have him back. Of course you can’t stop him coming to the house if he jointly owns it, but you can’t stop talk about selling/separating/anything you want for the future. You don’t have to stay with him.

Your feelings are important and you shouldn’t ignore them - they don’t come from nowhere, you’re clearly uncomfortable with him and you can’t spend the rest of your life that way.

If you initiate divorce proceedings the hospital can't presume you'll provide care? Probably best to start this soon to avoid too much confusion so he can go to supported accommodation, or back to your house with some care, and you and daughter housed elsewhere, if you're serious about splitting up. You'll have to ignore the pressure and guilt as best you can.

Yes he is but that doesnt mean he will be assesed as needing it. 😕You really need to attend an mdt at the hospital and talk through all your concerns and let them know you dont feel you want him home . A Social worker will need to do a care act assessement as part of 117 discharge planning and will take into account your views .

My heart goes out to you. I was plunged into caring for my mother around 12 years ago, when she very suddenly became ill and started developing dementia. My sister had two under 2s, and my other sibling was working overseas so I was the only one available. It was incredibly hard, and so stressful, to see someone who was so upbeat, healthy, positive and go-getting become a total shadow of her former self. She no longer recognised me, lost about 3 stone in weight, and basically became a child again (she was in her 60s). I had to give up work and rely on savings.

A few years later my partner had a health setback and couldn't work so I became the sole breadwinner. Had to walk the dogs alone, and all our plans (we had just moved to a new house with specific goals) had to be shelved. We actually had to move again, and the mortgage offer was crap because it was only based on my sole salary.

I don't regret either bout of caring and would do it all over again. It is totally your decision if you feel this is too much for you. It's very hard to see your previous life, even if not perfect, be destroyed by illness. It's genuinely one of the most unsettling things you can go through.

@IveNameChangedObviously Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you. It's been 7 months already? Time flies...

He's changed. You've changed. You don't have to apologize for that. He and his condition will bring disruption but it doesn't mean you have to go back to how things were. Do you know what his expectations are going forward?