Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

OP.. goodness knows what I would have posted (ranted!) if MN had been around 31 yrs ago..

Your DS sounds just like mine was at the same age and I probably felt just like you!

Didn't help when there was one particular Mother who couldn't help herself by always commenting on what my DS was doing..(ie; uh oh.. is at it again, uh oh typical . ) My DS did bite her DD at a baby group 4!!! years previously and she never let anyone forget it. Funnily enough the kids are now good friends.

Anyway OP. My advice to you is ignore the posters who haven't read your opening post properly (ignore, don't engage), take advice from us who've been where you are and keep chanting..This Too Shall Pass!.
I know it's hard, and exhausting and embarrassing sometimes.. but YOU'VE got this!
30 years later my DS is one of the kindest, hardworking men I know.. And people in our village tell me on a regular basis how lovely he is.
But it was awful at the time.

When my Dc were little DH and I did a list on NYE instead of resolutions.

We wrote 3 things we were proud of, 3 things we were worried about and 3 achievements.

We would not look at the list until the next NYE and often the things we were worried about were non-existent any more and we could barely remember why they made the list. The challenging stages don't last forever-development is a very individual thing and boys def can struggle when little.

I had one rather "bumptious" boy at that age and was in despair.
He def had bundles of energy and helping him figure out how to manage it was an ongoing thing.
There was also a "partner in crime" which escalated things and needed preventing.

We got through it and he is a happy, successful wonderful person.

Gently OP your taking his educational achievement at this stage way too seriously. As others have suggested, work on fine motor skills at home with toys etc. He's a long time to develop and grow. The lad who was a nightmare in my DD's reception (biting, delayed speech etc) grew up to be academically very able and a lovely lad who went onto a quite difficult Uni course and got a 1st.

I understand you seem to be going through a difficult time and would prefer not to give details, but if this behaviour is relatively new or has ramped up recently, I think it's odd and maybe fruitless to treat it as totally separate from what's going on at home.

With reference to your DS not always understanding what it is he’s doing wrong have you tried using books with similar scenarios?

We did this with my DD’s and it was a very good way to discuss things around friendships, behaviour, feelings without the pressure. It also gives children a chance to process and think about things.

It sounds like you are overly vigilant to the minutiae of his interactions with his peers.

If your son is not disturbing his class or making life unpleasant for the class, or bullying, then he needs to ne left to some extent to make mistakes, struggle and learn how to fit in himself. Life is a constant feedback cycle and you must not interfere with this process, such that you reduce his ability to judge, reflect and find a better way.

As for the b and d. He's in reception. He's like 5 years old. Give the kid a break.

@Spookyspaghetti I don’t mind, of course, but we literally have bookshelves crammed with those books. I actually bought Michael Rosen’s latest one on Friday and we read it yesterday. I can’t actually remember what it’s called, about a bear and a journey. A sequel to the big sleep I think. I’m not trying to sound awkward or difficult so please don’t take it as such, it’s just that you do tend to get awfully well meaning advice like that on these threads but that actually is instinctive a lot of the time. I am not a brain surgeon or anything but it wouldn’t have occurred to me not to read and share books with my children: I’m lucky of course that I grew up with that as an example. And it was that sort of thing I’d hoped to avoid by explaining in my Op, but unfortunately some people do take that the wrong way a bit. It’s hard to know what line to take!

@Nottodaythankyou123 honestly he and this child are 🤦🏼‍♀️ the adjective springing to mind is ‘a nightmare!’ I think the problem is that while ds has had mad friends before tbh is hasn’t spilled into aggression, they have been more like a litter of slightly unruly spaniels where yes they need training out of jumping up and putting buddy paws on people but no real malice or aggression - unfortunately with this boy that isn’t the case.

@user405927 I’m not; I’m mindful that what’s going on at home is very likely to have affected ds but equally boundaries are more important now than ever. And I wouldn’t say it’s ramped up recently, it’s been there all year while our current situation hasn’t.

@AMatterOfInfiniteHope yes, it’s a good suggestion, makes it less personal. We’ve got llama learns to listen and when hippo gets angry. Just need when monkey gets manic!

@greenyellowleaf luckily the holidays are approaching so a nice break from it, and hopefully seperate forms in year 1!

I just wanted to reassure really that your description of your son’s behaviour at the party doesn’t sound too out of character for a hot, exciting party right at the end of term! Speaking to the teachers just before term ended at our school, behaviour has been on the floor the last few weeks across the board and the relentless heat hasn’t helped!

Upthread you mentioned some issues with hearing, have you had it checked recently? While you are at it, has he had a recent sight test?

Where is your DH / DP in all this?

Is the reason you can’t have play dates at home because you are decorating, living in an overcrowded home or a relationship issue?

I think you are being a bit too dramatic, sorry. He is only in reception...maybe your expectations are a bit too high?

I remember when my first started at school, I gave myself a hard time because he was behind with reading, writing etc
He was one of the younger ones whereas yours is a few months older.
Just to reassure you, they absolutely do catch up and mine is now ahead in everything bar Spanish..
I think there are a couple of things here, you went into the start with very high expectations of your child’s capabilities, you are now a little disappointed that he isn’t doing as well as you anticipated.
Socially some children do rub each other the wrong way and if there isn’t the possibility of splitting them into 2 different classes if it’s a 2 or more form entry school then there is little you can do, apart from asking staff to keep them apart as much as possible.
Ultimately your son is still so small, as others have said starting school is a big step, plus stuff going on at home it sounds like he has had a lot to get grips with this year.

Are you the poster whose husband is very ill?

@greenyellowleaf bless you. Parenting is so humbling and hard sometimes. It sounds like you did not expect to be mum of one of the class live wires and are finding it embarrassing and a bit overwhelming, especially if you are fielding other life events too. 💐☕️

Children aren't blank skates. They come with their own temperaments and sensitivities. Trying to really accept who they are and where they are and respond accordingly is very hard, particularly when frazzled by all the other demands of modern life.

The party example of him standing in the way sounds like he wants to play but finds it hard to do so in that unstructured environment. Of course you can decline invites and have tiny parties for him but there will be other times with similar challenges like school fetes, the park.

If possible only take DS or take someone with you or ask someone if they can watch DD for you or bring her home if you need to leave. Your strategy might not be to take him home but to give him some downtime by walking to the loo with you and watching people in the swimming pool while you chat things through. Only offer consequences you are really ready and willing to see through. Saying you'll take him home, when you really won't, just won't work. In my experience the nicer other mums will be less judgemental if they see you are trying to actively guide him rather than seeming to turn a blind eye.

He may have additional needs. He may not. He might just be lively/bored/clumsy/immature/sensitive and/or responding to stresses. Only time will tell.

I have a full house of dyslexia/ADHD/autism in my now grown kids. Glue ear was a really big problem for one. Eye issues too.
They all got there and are happy and productive members of society.

Gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d

I know this is only a small detail amongst everything you mention, but just wanted to say this is no big deal at reception age. My youngest daughter did this a lot eg her name begins with J and she did Js with the curly bit going the wrong way for years!

Eventually she went to Oxford and got a First.

Thanks @namechange62 , that’s such a kind post.

It’s mixed year group @Nottodaythankyou123 its the same class and same teacher although Y1 rather than reception. It might suit him more; we’ll see.

Thanks @lessglittermoremud , this is definitely a recurring theme that those ahead don’t stay ahead and vice versa and thank you for that

To give the long view, my DS now turning 20 was very similar. I used to read early school reports and get very upset and felt like crying after parents' evening. He was always behind everyone - seemed a bit out-of-it and just generally hopeless. At home at that age interested in bin men, trucks, chopping down trees and "baddies". Writing, fine motor skills hopeless. He had trouble articulating himself and was referred to speech therapy. He couldn't even run in the right direction during the egg and spoon race and was usually not just last, but spectacularly so.

He was also in a class with 2 children who needed much more support than could be given them, which resulted in evacuating the classroom regularly as they would throw chairs etc.

Fast forward to now and he has just finished his second year at Oxbridge. He is very compassionate and does lots of volunteering, partly I think because of his early struggles and is very patient and concentrates well. I do think this early disruption strangely helped...

So, think of him as a pearl developing and keep on having faith in him and trust yourself. He is very little and the only thing he needs is good food, fresh air & exercise, fun and all that you are doing in terms of books etc. Keep up your good job and enjoy the cuddles.

What a lovely story and what a lovely young man he sounds. Funnily enough ds actually won the egg and spoon race! 😂

He sounds absolutely normal OP. Children are not all the same, he will figure out social niceties in good time, with your help. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

Oh, and my favourite saying "a big pot takes a long time to fill".

Well that is impressive!

thank you

I have a full house of dyslexia/ADHD/autism in my now grown kids. Glue ear was a really big problem for one. Eye issues too.They all got there and are happy and productive members of society.

Sorry OP for qoting myself but I should say none has stopped being dyslexic, autistic or having ADHD. I sounded like they all just grew out of it which is not the case at all as it still affects them every day. They would still pass the MN success test though.

None of this may apply to your DS of course.

Ds was similar (now 19yo).

Lots of being called in, lots of silly behaviour (he crept in one time through the fire door at the end of playtime and hid until there was a real panic for him, then jumped out. He thought it was funny. I suspect he probably still does)
He saw no point in writing, or anything that interrupted his play, especially crafts and was inclined to lash out if people crowded him.
He persistently held his pen in a fist at the far end because that was his protest at being told he needed to write for about half of year R. I think eventually the school bribed him to change.

He had glue ear (hearing over winter was about 10%) and was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD in his early teens having been fobbed off with "he's a summer baby - he'll catch up" for years.

Firstly, he found year 1 much better. Learning through play was terrible. Firstly with everyone else playing he was easily distracted, he couldn't hear, he rushed it to get back to what he wanted to do and so year 1 sitting at desks with the teacher talking to all while quiet made a huge difference.
It wasn't just the difference in being able to hear instructions, it was also the sensory issues of the noise all around all day.
At senior school he got put in isolation once and totally ruined it as a potential punishment by requesting that he worked like that all the time because it was so much nicer for him.
Secondly, don't be fobbed off with "no, he hasn't got SEN". He may not be, and it doesn't sound like he is, out of the "normal" parameters, but don't be afraid to push if you feel he is still struggling. Get his hearing checked too. Ds' behaviour was definitely worse when he couldn't hear.
And also boys do tend to be later developing the writing skills. I know screen time is not popular now, but what got ds writing was using the Nintendo DSi messages. He would write messages with his sisters and so needed to do the writing to keep up with them.

I won't say his school life was easy, but he did get easier. I remember asking his year 4 (separate infant/juniors) teacher after a very good parents' evening, whether there were any problems and she said he wasn't a problem at all, he was working above expected, and did what he was told and was a pleasure to have in her classroom. I was expecting her to say "but..." which never came!

He did tend to have love or loath teachers. So teachers loved him or loathed him, and tbh any that loathed it was normally mutual which meant he did as little work as he could get away with which meant they loathed him more...
But more loved him than loathed him, even as they admitted he probably could work a little harder...

My son’s reception year was a shit show. He IS a summer baby though, but otherwise, exactly the same story. Friendship with someone that brought out the devil in him, inability to sit still on the mat and concentrate, poor fine motor skills, tendency to be feral… he ended up having a ‘home/school diary’ - which basically meant he was in report, aged 4. I had to go in to see the head every week and discuss his behaviour. He wasn’t naughty, at all. Just incredibly impulsive.

First year of infants wasn’t much better. He got accused of writing on the carpet and was so upset. Because he was the ‘naughty’ kid, the teacher assumed it was him. It absolutely wasn’t and he was fully traumatised. Refused school. Teacher and head had to apologise to him formally in the end to make it up to him as they could see how upset he was. That was a turning point in their attitude towards him. Second year infants, they changed his stream through the school. He was moved to a different class and got an amazing older teacher who really seemed to understand him and took all the pressure off his handwriting and spelling. As a result, he engaged in the classroom and came on leaps and bounds.

I think it takes some kids longer to settle into the routine than others. At the time, screens weren’t a thing and he was such a ray of sunshine and so well behaved at home - but just with the energy of a thousand boys. Far too much for one classroom.

He’s still the same. He’s 18 now, has never given me a day of trouble, he’s the most loving and communicative kid, never ever missed a curfew or a deadline - but so full on, always moving and talking and chattering, cannot sit still. He’s exhausting. But a good kid. We take the wins.

Egg and spoon race was the only race I ever won.

I was standing waiting for them to give me the tablespoon and ping pong ball which was what they used in year 1. Everyone else had theirs and I only had a tablespoon - they could not find the 8th ping pong ball.
So they gave me a bean bag. I won the race before anyone else had got to the 10yard line. As soon as I'd finished the ping pong ball turned up, and no I hadn't hidden it!