Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

I mean this kindly but the only thing your son needs is your genuine support and love, acknowledging that your own feelings and distress about the situation are valid but also that they’re for you to deal with, not him.

He will catch up - what matters at the moment is knowing you support him and love him without putting any conditions on him.

Ds’s first 3 years of primary were all about how he wouldn’t talk or contribute in class.

The next 3 were all about how he wouldn’t shut up 🤦🏻‍♀️

its very early days, keep encouraging him and ask school what you can do to support him or them if it is behaviour issues,

ds did karate from age 4 which was good for behaviour/discipline.

Thank you. I realise I probably sound like an insufferable snob and I didn’t mean to. He’s done normal playgroups, parks, soft play, more so than anything else really. Just that we haven’t been sat in our lounge for four years with an iPad and then expecting school to fill in the gaps.

I don’t mind the academic stuff as much as the social stuff, that is a huge worry for me. He does rugby, football and swimming and sometimes clubs after school, plus Squirrels (junior section of beavers.)

Ignore if not relevant. Is he summerborn? Summerborn children can be started at school just after they turn 4 or deferred to start the term after they reach compulsory school age at 5 years old.

My summerborn son started school a year later and he has thrived. If we had started him age 4, it would have been a disaster. He had a lot of emotional overwhelm, needed a nap, didn't really play with others and didn't recognise many letters.

Lots of summerborn boys in particular struggle in reception. If he is summerborn, would the school support him repeating the year to give him more time to mature?

You don’t sound like a snob at all and it’s completely natural to feel worried if your child seems to be falling behind, it’s just that it can trigger stuff you’re not always conscious of (eg shame) and that can then get passed on rather than him having the message you’ve got his back.

There is one hell of a difference between deferring before reception and repeating a year. He would be screwed if he needed an extra year for his A levels or if he wanted to do a foundation course at college because he would have used it up when he was five.

Also, she said he isn’t young in his year group.

No, he’s December @borborygmus1 , so one of the older ones. The boy he keeps getting into bother with is January, so neither of them are summer born.

@Obviousquestion i do worry about that too. I try to speak to him calmly and nicely at bedtime for instance but so often he misses the point entirely and starts rambling about something else altogether, it’s hard.

OP great that you can share these feelings as honesty helps you in turn appreciate what a load of shit your expectations were. Time to reject your conditioning and to put a book into becoming the parent you want to be.

If doing everything right in relation to pregnancy, birth and parenting guaranteed an outcome life would be a simplistic affair. Great that you have invested in your child - continue to do so - it’s the best way but this isn’t a disappointment and over the years there will be many more if your perspective doesn’t change. Change it and instead there will be surprises, challenges, curiosities but not losses.

Great that you have learned early on the awful weight of expectation felt by children who aren’t academic when the family expectation is that they conform to the successes of prior generations. If it bothers you how it could have hurt your son if you showed embarrassment instead of love and never helped him find his skills.

And as if a bad start at school predicts anything. Not even academic performance.

Enjoy a bit of the anarchy - it probably won’t last.

You know I sound a bit of an arse there but honestly - just enjoy it and keep parenting calmly and it will work out. Love, boundaries and kindness sorts out most stuff. As a parent whose young boys were all different - one a violent and relentlessly difficult boy, another who was a hideous wind up merchant and sulker, another who was the calmest sweetest soul ever and the last who was super shy and quiet I can reassure you that as older teens and young men they are wonderful. You couldn’t even pick out the livelier ones!

There's no such thing as having "used it up"?

I really wouldn’t speak to him at bedtime about his behaviour. He’ll be tired and it’s not the right time to have a conversation about stuff he’s done wrong. Find a time when he’s calm, been behaving well and isn’t tired and make sure he doesn’t change the subject.

Could he be doing too much, maybe he'd benefit from less structured time. Rugby, football, swimming, school clubs and squirrels is a lot at 4/5 years old.

He might be mentally exhausted from the structure of it all and need rest days. Time without fixed things to do so he can relax.

@greenyellowleaf I think it sounds like you've done an excellent job thus far in raising your son so dont be bashing yourself about that.
Maybe he just isnt quite ready for the school environment yet - a lot of boys arent.
Or maybe he has other issues going on. I would share your concerns with his teacher and see what she thinks.

Another to say that reading and writing are not necessarily an issue yet - I remember my teacher in P1 as it was then having to explain to me to write from the window towards the door so clearly I was doing something else! But back then parents probably weren’t even told and honestly I feel like that was a lightbulb moment for me but who knows really?

Behaviour is another issue - but honestly it’s harder for boys than for well-behaved little girls. It’ll come as long as you don’t blind yourself to bad behaviour - which clearly you’re not doing since you posted here.

(Mum to one two boys and a girl - so I’ve seen all sides of the problem!)

I would suggest trying to do as many playdates with other children in the class as you can. This will help to create friendships with others. If you can build a friendship with the other parents as well that helps.

There’s no such thing as “using it up”: one of my sons skipped a year - at the insistence of his teacher, not me. In fact the school even said at one point “Only his mum is against it”, once they’d got his dad onside and as though I were the problem.
Well he ended up repeating a year before A levels (at my insistence as I could see he was only going to scrape through) and THEN changing subjects at university so he ended up a year late anyway. He did well but not thanks to the school, mainly because he was my third and I knew he needed a little more time.

What's he like at the clubs? Was the other boy at the party?

Academically -
check eyesight
check hearing

it’s fairly easy to work on gross and fine motor skills.

mixing those letters up is very very common.

socially - depends what he is doing. One of the reasons to check hearing is that kids who only catch some of what the teacher/other kids say do things they think are ok because they missed instructions/infirmation.

glue ear is incredibly common at this age.

@Backstop honestly you did and it really upset me. I have not said that I wanted a particular outcome but if I hadn’t included that you know I’d have had ‘reduce his screen time / make sure you read to him / have you considered going to the park.’ I’m sure you didn’t mean to upset me but it really was a needlessly blunt reply.

@LizzieSiddal i meant generally if you try to speak to him his attention span wanders. It is hard to know what goes in at this age. We do a lot of ‘how might suchabody have felt; do you think Noah was angry then or do you think he was upset; why do you think Ellie shouted’ but when I do it in relation to him he just doesn’t have that insight.

@winniethepooh18 I can’t force play dates and for various reasons I can’t host other children at the moment. We’ve had two, neither have (yet) been reciprocated. It’s quite a rural school though and people are spread out. But anyway - just inviting other children over doesn’t guarantee friendships developing in school.

Thanks @Emilesgran - I have a girl too, she is easier at the moment but unsure if that trajectory will continue!

He sounds like a boy in reception. Lots of kids are behind and eventually catch up. DS for example can't blend despite having a teacher for a mother, being read to constantly and living in a house with hundreds of books. Children are their own people and school years are long. Stop stressing about other people's children's results.
It sounds like he has a very packed schedule so maybe a bit more downtime? Also rule out all the obvious like hearing over the summer holidays.

I had thought @Backstop was noticing it had bothered you and was saying that was a good thing, but maybe I read it wrong. I think the point about expectations is a good one.

Well my DS left Primary School at 11 with a spelling age of 6. Like him, your son may have a ND or SEN. Hopefully, unlike him, youll manage to figure out exactly what before he is 13!

But please dont be negative. He needs every bit of self esteem building that he can as he is likely to know he is struggling compared to his peers. If hes good at something - sport, theatre, music....please double encourage it..so he has that to support his wellbeing.

Also, I hope like my DS (who is now 30) he eventually finds his mojo and work that fits him like a glove!

I meant to say also: do check hearing and eyesight: one of mine had glue ear and the other needed glasses (though TBF we found that just before reception so it wasn’t an issue - but it isn’t always seen straightaway)

The hearing was a real thing though: it isn’t always easy to tell because you don’t know if they’re “zoning out” because they didn’t really hear or whether it’s attention span or other.

Trying to be speak to him and his attention wandering could well mean hearing issues.

i’d get that checked first.

@istherereallytimeforallthat have you ever been in a reception class ?
and quite often kids like this will gravitate to each other and wind each other up or just bounce off each other they just can’t help themselves ( because it’s more fun than doing any learning however exciting , before anyone chips in that there ‘bored’ )