Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

OK well you report those arrogant posts that are bizarre @frenchnoodle ; neither of us are getting much from continuing this conversation with one another.

Hi. Trying to be helpful. That sounds like too many after school activities is leaving him wiped out during the school day to me and making it harder for him to self regulate. I’d stick to two at that age. DD is noticeably more fractious due to exhaustion the day after doing an after school club or Rainbows etc. You can alternate activities and build up to more as he gets older.

When it comes to behaviour, as you probably know, it is down to positive reinforcement and one on one parental play time. You ignore ‘bad’ behaviour as much as possible as long as it isn’t dangerous and praise good behaviour so they know that good behaviour is what gets them attention.

Make 10-20 minutes a day to join your son in free play. He leads the play and you join by try to limit questions etc that will stop the flow of the play. Bonus if you can make characters out of Duplo or play doh for fine motor skills.

You can use the toys to emulate the kinds of behaviour you want to encourage. Get two action figures to share or take turns. The toys can express their emotions eg ‘I didn’t get a turn, that makes me feel sad.’

Some kids need more down time or to express themselves through play.

I wouldn’t bother with the series of books if it’s what i thinking of. It is best to read books that are fun and engaging for his age and ability. The actual advice is to let him choose the books that interest him as much as possible. Going into the library, choosing books together and reading them to him is honestly one of the best things you can do.

Try not to make him read to you every night either at this age, three to four times a week is going to help him without putting him off and making it a chore.

I hope you don’t mind me suggesting authors like Michael Rosen, Nick Sharratt, David McKee, John Burningham, Jill Murphy, Shirley Huges, Judith Kerr. The Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler books are popular for a reason. Poo at the Zoo, anything that is fun and engaging. My reception child likes the Super Happy Forrest Books at the moment as they are so funny with detailed illustrations.

Most of what you are doing sounds great, and he will no doubt improve as he gets older.

Just to be clear, additional needs just means ‘might require some extra sensory/emotional/behavioural/cognitive help’, it’s not a label.

A poorer than expected school report is communication from teachers that additional needs might be at play (ask me how I know - I’ve been on both sides of this!).

No advice to offer from me, but I’d just like to say that it’s so nice to see a parent being aware of their child’s behaviour - so many think their children can do no wrong.
I’m sorry things aren’t great and hope they improve soon x

What a nightmare interaction this has been. There is nothing for me to "report".

You have asked for advice, several times, but seems to get annoyed when people can't mind read and provide advice in areas you don't want.
So what advice do you want?

Do you have a partner @greenyellowleaf?

What did you take from the poster saying 'additional needs'? It sounds like he needs help regulating his emotions, for a start, which equals additional needs.

I think you've had a rough time on here which isn't at all a surprise. Without all the detail you'd have definitely been getting replies about screen time and your input as a parent. But you put them in and some posters pull that apart and they try to trip you up. Some people just like to kick you when you're down.

I know you are most worried about the social aspect and I don't think there is much more you can do. But as they move away from play based activities and they are sat apart it may make it easier for him to make better choices and different friends.

For the reading we have a few orchard toy games which are good fun. They also have an activity page of their website which has loads of craft ideas etc (I've linked the craft bit below but have a look at some of the games if you haven't already got any) Would he be interested in a summer reading challenge?

For the fine motor skills I would focus on crafts and building at home. (Another good link below). Does your local library have a lego club?

https://www.orchardtoys.com/dept/things-to-do_d0127.htm

childdevelopment.com.au/areas-of-concern/writing/writing-readiness-pre-writing-skills/

Such great advice from @Spookyspaghetti . My DD is summer born and didnt have a great reception report.
ended up getting a first at a top Uni!

People develop along different time lines - main thing as a parent is to be relaxed and encourage theirs and not try to force a different one on them. I learned this from experience. Good luck @greenyellowleaf x x

@greenyellowleaf I apologise for misunderstanding. I see that you have for sure said thanks and in fact I totally agree with you about the swear word suggestion, which I also found very odd.

Here’s my thoughts on what you have said:

• He was fine at nursery for the last two years
• He is older in his year
• He is well behaved in lesson time
• He is behind where he should be on reading
• His letter formation still has immaturities
• When lessons are finished and it’s break/lunch/party time he tends to behave poorly along with another boy in the class
• He sometimes has issues with his ears
• Your post was sparked mostly in frustration at a (yet another?) party where he was unable to self-regulate

To me, as I say, the lack of self-regulation in freer times (playtime, party) suggests he is having to make a big big effort to behave in lessons and then it is all too much when there is less structure. I’ve seen that as a teacher relating to lots of different barriers to learning, including dyslexia, hearing or sight issues, and ADHD. Absolutely not saying any of those or any other additional needs are at play, but IMHO it’s worth considering further.

I see that in a recent post you say you are confident there are no additional needs. I wonder how you can be sure? There are numerous additional needs that sometimes only become apparent, or at least possible to positively diagnose, in later years (apols, I am sure you are aware of this). Hopefully your DS will be fine and clearly he has a great start with your support.

ETA: Meant to say, great post from @Enko about possible activities

You know, I think sometimes out expectations of children are so high. Our DD did very well in primary (and then was diagnosed with ADHD) and secondary was a complete disaster. My background is very creative and academic and DH is fairly academic - though more from a technical perspective. She always had books and we are well travelled etc. we had to withdraw her from school due to a series of very difficult and distressing events mainly not of her making so no GCSES. I won't lie, I have cried and cried. But she is bright and will find her way.

What I'm trying to say your son is little still. He may have ADHD, or something, but you need to help him find his thing. Being academic in today's world is no guarantee for anything apart from student debt. He could end up a professor or a banker or a plumber. Your expectations should be that he leads a happy and productive life.

At the party he just kept causing drama tbh, no other word for it. Standing in front of other children and then complaining they had knocked into him, just a litany of ‘X pushed me! X jumped on me! X hit me!’ and X hadn’t (and I was watching both ds and X like a hawk!) But he was putting himself in positions where X would run into him or push past him (bouncy castles; man I hate bouncy castles.) So tedious.

IMO…From your description of the party, you should have taken him home. He’s too young for lengthy reasoning sessions - it’ll go in one ear and out the other, especially if he’s excited. If you tell him not to do sth and he ignores you, tell him firmly that if he does it again he’s going home. THEN TAKE HIM HOME. Carry him if you need to. Take DH if necessary. Expect kicking and screaming. Show him good behaviour = fun party BUT bad behaviour = go home. He will only change when you show him actions have consequences. It will feel harsh if you are a gentle parent, but honestly you don’t have a gentle child so you must adjust your approach accordingly. I also had a headstrong, truculent child who I once carried home from a restaurant under my arm for kicking off. He’s now a delightful adult.

But what about behaviour at home OP? What happens when he doesnt get what he wants for eg? Does he go to bed nicely at a suitable time forbhis age? What happens when he asks for a snack or something and you say no, you've just had one... How does he respond? Does he pester, throw a tantrum, badger you til you give in?
Does he play nicely with other children if you invite them round for a play? Does he behave well at external stuff like swimming lessons or kiddie football or whatever?

How does he respond when its time to turn the tv off for eg?

You seem to think because you read to him and took him to museums, thats it, job done.... There is more to it than this.

I was going to suggest extra-curricular activities including Beavers or sport - because they encourage/require a certain amount of discipline and following rules, but I see he does these already. How does he behave when he's there? Is his behaviour better than at school?

I think a lot of us imagibe that our kids will start school and their brilliance will shine for all to see. That certainly never happened with mine (both summer born). My dd was almost a whole year behind some bloody 5 year old geniuses and we suddenly realised that she was something of a daydreamer 😆. My ds who was academically smashing it had no friends for a good few years and was really uncoordinated and refused to speak to anyone. Fabulous. In the fullness of time, they found their feet and good friends. Dd has had the same very close group of friends for the whole of secondary- they all value and support each other. Importantly, she is herself. She's also worked hard and has just sat her gcses with no drama. Ds caught up with his peers and is brilliant at one sport. He has made good friends but again is able to be himself. He has learned amazing resilience.

Some kids do find that life comes easy. Others take some time to find their feet. One thing is certain - they will never be exactly the person that you thought they'd be.

I presume you aren’t concerned with him socially/his behaviour at home otherwise this wouldn’t come as a surprise? What’s he like when you get together with other children of the same age outside of school at soft play/play dates? Though you did say his behaviour at a party wasn’t great, so presume it’s not just school.

I’d start setting up play dates where you can observe and monitor what’s going on with his interactions. Go and speak to the class teacher or SENCo to see if what you are noticing matches up with them. Does he have clear consequences for bad choices?

Park your academic concerns, he’s way too young to worry about that. We moved our youngest to a different school because of a similar toxic friendship. The school did stuff all and we didn't want our son being labelled the naughty kid. He’s getting on much better at a new school with better behaviour rules and management.

It could just be the class dynamic regarding the social side.

Our DS was academically able, it was obvious even in nursery. At school he didn't find his people until Yr2. By which time the school had launched into instigating all sorts of social concerns. We actually switched schools because a place came up at a school nearer to us. We never looked back.

I should add there wasn't much switching round of classes in his first primary or recognition of the class dynamic problem by teaching staff.

You sound like an amazing mum, it's so rare when parents accept that their child IS the problem or part of the problem.

As above, I wouldn't worry about academic improvements, he's very young and if he needs extra support in the next few years, he obviously will get everything he needs from his parents.

You are right to try to separate the children if they wind each other up, and make sure no friendship develops there.

If he's a bit boisterous for now, other parents will know and see that you really try to get it under control, and it makes all the difference in the world.

he's still so little, he has all the time to grow and mature. Your first point is the teacher and the school. It will be interesting to have another teacher next year and a different view.

Hi OP as others have said, it’s his behaviour I would be most concerned about, however, the fact that you know that it’s an issue is a massive positive. I can think of several kids in my children’s classes over the years who had behaviour issues and the parents were oblivious.

Keep promoting good behaviour, firm consequences, be consistent and I’m sure it will
pay off. He’s still very young. I’d also be looking at things like his diet and screen time. My youngest behaviour deteriorates if he’s had screen time, YouTube, a few more treats - so in the week we do zero screen time and a short amount of TV. Snacks are low sugar and no desert in the week. It’s seemed to have helped.

I don't think this is unusual for reception OP - this is why formal education doesn't start til 6 or 7 in some other countries, as some very young children just aren't ready.

Thee mixing b and d up, writing some numbers and letters backwards etc is normal for at least another year so please don't worry about that.

I did find with handwriting with both of mine that there just ain't enough time for practice in school. One of mine was doing OK or so I thought but was writing all the letters the wrong way so it would have been impossible if she'd carried on when she got to joined up writing. You do have to follow up at home.

I'd do some writing in handwriting books (you can get wipe clean ones) every day. Games with letters (eg cards where you match up first letters with the word like c and car - you can just draw these on paper). Eye spy. Motor skill games - colouring, painting, playdough, anything with little bits like threading smal bits of pasta to male a necklace

The behaviour is a different topic I think you can only do what you're doing, limiting screens, making sure he limits sugar and upf food, making sure he has plenty of exercise and fresh air to burn off energy, giving consequences. Be open with the school about your concerns and what you're doing at home and make it clear you want to work with them

I haven’t read all of the posts but from what I have read, you really do sound like you care a lot, which might come out through disappointment, anger and frustration- and that is okay!

Most of your replies I have read really do sound like traits of ADHD. If you haven’t already, speak to your GP to consider assessment. The behaviour, difficulty following instructions, attention span and digressing in conversation are very strong signs. It may well turn out to just be ‘age related’ behaviour, but actually if it isn’t, there is help, support and medication that might help. ADHD brains are overrun, overwhelmed and people will find it very difficult to function.

I teach secondary (although had kids myself over 30 years ago as well).

Some lads are just bonkas. You can see them in Y7 with bags of energy and constant boundary testing with both their peers and the adults around them. I had one the other day (in another teacher's class), wouldn't sit down, looking for trouble, when I attempted to extract him he just kept barking 'Why?' Anyway, because I know him, was able to get him to come out, into my classroom, where he sat down like a little lamb and kept himself to himself for nearly an hour. Also because I know him, I could see that his behaviour was nothing to do with being naughty and everything to do with being overwhelmed. He doesn't have SEN. Instead, just finds it almost impossible to regulate himself when there's chaos and so he tries to become the king of that chaos so at least he's got some control. Obviously, you've only given limited details but I feel as if there's some commonality, especially as you've mentioned the class at school is 'tricky' and children's parties are notoriously full on.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to get to is that some lads (and it is particularly lads from my observations) really struggle with uncertainty. They like routines and when this all goes to shit they act up / act out. One way I try to tackle this is by introducing self-soothing strategies. For example, blowing bubbles, having access to a quiet table (with things like drawing activities or bits of Lego), strangely those hand exercisers work (the ones you hold and squeeze together against the strength of the spring, I believe this reduces the stress hormones).

Those Year 7 lads are bloody lovely when they're grown up. Don't be too worried. As a vigilant parents who thinks about your kid's mental hygiene, he'll be fine.

Thanks, all. Sorry, there are too many to respond to individually. @Campingintherain2024 i just wanted to say thanks for understanding where I was coming from. We read such a lot about school readiness and children trying to swipe pages of books and so on and so you would think ds would have a small advantage. Not that it matters hugely, I do know children develop at different rates but just wasn’t expecting him to be behind in any way.

As much as I agree screen time is a plague on young people he honestly has very little of it. But then I’m also reading that two and a half hours extra curricular across a week is too much and he needs more downtime! It is hard striking a balance - I’m not criticising anyone but you can see why we end up confused and questioning everything.

Ds is fine at extra curricular and he’s generally fine at school in lessons. It’s the social times really, it’s a bit like at the party where he just seems to either get manic and hyper with this other child or (as was the case yesterday) repeatedly accusing him or hurting him. I haven’t come across that before.

We will persevere. I’ll go back and respond to any I’ve missed now.

I think the escalation in behaviour is slightly odd if there were never concerns raised at nursery, but to be honest I also wouldn’t get overly disheartened about the party. My DD has just finished reception, and behaviour at big all class parties is often up and down - factor in, it’s the end of term, they’re exhausted, it’s been relentlessly hot which makes all of us irritable and I’d say actually the behaviour you’ve described at the party isn’t that unusual!

I do think school need to keep a closer eye on the two boys together though!