Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

OP - I would feel like this.
And i would find it very hard.

I think you want a deep breathe, try and "connect joyfully" with your DS over summer.

Practical Add ons - do they work? IDk....

1. We read llama learns to listen, tiger tells the truth (its a whole series about little animal kids being dicks and how its hard not to be sometimes!!! 😅)

1. I disagree on thr ignore academics as I see already for 4 yo(not in school yet) gets self esteem from achieving. This might.help attitude in school

1. Do fine motoring skills.exercise in summer. Make it fun. Dd likes paw patrol i bought a whole series of those PP writing books (one is numbers, letters, first 100 words) she will do one for 30 minutes.

1. Emotional coaching. We also talk about her brain still learning and her heart wants to be kind but sometimes its hard as her heart cant tell her brain fast enough.

1. My dd is crap at listening and stopping so I have started playing "the stop game" where I randomly say stop - she likes it.

Find the good in your child and stay connected to that dont let the annoyance boil over into "jesus why cant you listen? Why do you do nothing I ask!?! What is wrong with you?"

Instead of upping reading time. Could you up activities.

So 20 mins a day we play with lego/playdough/string beads/play marble run. This means you(ordh) ds and dd all sit and do this together not him doing it along or he and dd doing it sit down with him and take part of the activity

Play the what was taken away under the teatowel tray game

Play games some are great for developing fine motor skills and he will see it as game time not teaching. I am here thinking Jenga connect 4 hungry hippos type games

It may sound crazy but watch drawing videos with him. Plenty on YouTube that talks about shading and other stuff he may love it may loathe this but can be worth a go.

Cook/bake and he "helps" reading the.numbers of measurements and he "helps" measuring out

To hot now but in autumn can he "help" zipping up his and sisters coats.

Can he read little sister 1 story at night?

Can he have £5 in supermarket to decide what he spends it on encourage reading and numbers but is focused on his treats (also teaches budget)

Do you eat together as a family at the table and have conversations about your day take turns to listen and talk? Ask to leave the table before walking off. Do you all help cleaning up the table, stacking dishwasher (if you have one) putting dishes into kitchen/sink -sweeping the floor - putting things away. This helps with classroom organisation and also later helps with him knowing how a house runs.

All of this will encourage him along but he will not feel like you are focusing on his academic learning it will also encourage a strong bond in your family.

OP, that sounds like a lovely balance of extra curricular activities and certainly not too much. How is his behaviour at these activities?

His academic performance sounds very much within the normal range to me. Fine motor skills will come with practice: I second the opportunities for craft, using scissors, play dough, using clothes pegs and perhaps painting with water and a paint brush/chalks on the patio over the summer to give extra opportunities.

In terms of behaviour, what is he doing that concerns you? What do you do when you see behaviour you don't like? I am not a massive fan of complicated consequences and feel you are better to encourage a different response and talk about why plus lots of praise but without you being specific, it is hard to advise.

@JanFebAndOnwards I am really sorry but I genuinely don’t know what you mean. With that said, I’d prefer not to talk about anything too personal, to be honest.

@Moonnstarz like I say, I can’t host, I can’t very well insist we go there or that they join us at a park and even if I could I am quite fixed on this: my ds and the other boy are a really bad combination and they need to be kept apart. The other boy does lash out - he didn’t yesterday bar a couple of pushes, but he does, and he’s quite a big lad: that’s obviously not his fault, he can’t help being tall, but I don’t want ds being hurt in a pointless exercise of encouraging a friendship I’m desperately trying to DIScourage!

@clary I’ve gone through my posts here and it’s literally thank you, thank you, thank you. I have indicated I found ‘your expectations are a load of shit’ a little blunter than I’d like and that I’d prefer not to colour in the word fuck. I don’t think either of those stances are unreasonable.

Thanks @Bimblebombles , I’m sure it will come with time.

How do you propose the teacher does this when they are in the same class? Children are allowed to move around, not stuck in one spot at all times. Also, there is one teacher and 20+ children - so how does the teacher stop them from coming into contact?

My son is 5 and he has poor fine motor skills specifically pencil grip. He can't draw only scribble, and cannot form letters. We had him assessed by an Occupational therapist and that has helped as we have set objectives of how to help him. He also has low muscle tone so need to work on building core strength. He has ASD diagnosed at 3 but in a mainstream school with accommodations. And we also had a child who is really naughty in his class and a bad influence but the school suspects she has adhd - too young to be diagnosed and her parents don't acknowledge there's a problem..we asked that she not be in the same class as our son in year 1. We had behavioural issues in school but then set up playdates outside of school and that made a huge difference.
My advice is to be proactive with the school. Tell them your concerns, ask for how they plan to help your son get up to speed with fine motor skills, ask what you can do, try to see an OT, playdates with other friends to steer your sons friendship away from problem child. My son tends to copy other kids behaviour, I think at one stage when things were bad the problem kid in his class was telling him to hit other kids, to call me rude names etc, and she's known for being "the baddest kid" in class so then he kind of adopted the same identity that he was going to be in the bad club too. It took a while to deal with that. School helped alot with positive reinforcement and we made huge progress in about 6 weeks so things can turn around.

Sending some sympathy @greenyellowleaf
My child really didn’t cope with school and it became apparent as time went on that they were autistic & now attend a special school. It wasn’t obvious to me at that time and I just felt that somehow I had done something wrong as a parent. I was second guessing everything. I have younger children who have had zero issues and play easily with other children etc. I’m not suggesting your child has the same needs as mine. But I think it has helped over time to realise that children are nature and nurture. My child’s biology means that no matter how great my parenting they were always going to find certain things very difficult. I think in the middle class bubble we assume that when we do all the ‘right’ things, our kids will behave a certain way. But that isn’t always the case.
On a practical level, you could try dropping some of the clubs and seeing if tiredness is making the behaviour worse. I know my child improves when they have enough time without too much going.

Honestly, I’d be more worried about how you’re feeling about this. Your language in your posts just screams the amount of pressure you have on you both. Had such high hopes. Now you’re mortified, let down, embarrassed. Comparing yourself to friends. If you don’t get your emotions together it’s going to be downhill for years to come for you and your son. While it’s ok to feel disappointed, you need to relax. He’s in reception; he’s a very young child. Kids go through phases, adjustments, assessments etc. Give it time and relax. He won’t respond well to your stress. He’s already so young and he will be aware he’s such a disappointment to you. He doesn’t need that pressure or scrutiny.

You mention “I had high hopes because he’s from a background which values education” - your kid is clearly 5/6 - don’t write him off yet, Then “he hasn’t had excessive screen time or been exposed to anything he shouldn’t, has been read to extensively, done the ‘right’ things.” Go easy on yourself, your kid isn’t right or wrong, he’s a child learning and figuring out his way. Reception problems might be long forgotten next year. At this age they are still changing, learning and growing. Unless he’s non verbal, causing harm to himself and others, being bullied or doing the bullying - then I’d seriously relax.

I say all this with a chaotic 4 year old little boy, and from knowing from his preschool friends and my own family and friends that everyone of them go through some phase and no development has been typical. Kids develop at their own rate.

I also was a pretty wild young child myself, and I settled down, did very well academically, with friends, relationships and my career. And I have a pretty wild four year old little boy that tests us, but no more then most children I see at his preschool. They all challenge in different ways.

I really feel for you OP. My little boy struggled with behaviour between 4 and 5 and I was totally totally stressed about it.

he was misbehaving at nursery (egged on by best friend at the time). I ended up taking him out of nursery and arranging alternate childcare at times as I felt nursery weren’t able to effectively keep him in check. We had numerous incidents at parties etc it was mega stressful and I felt I had to watch him like a hawk at these things while other parents could relax and have a coffee.

5-6 has been much better. Once he got his head round the schools behaviour management system he has totally settled down at school. He had a great teacher and a lovely class though.

Parties and play dates I still feel can be hit or miss. I am very careful about what I allow him to go to and still have to watch him a bit.

I am happy though that he is doing well at school and he also can behave at the clubs / classes he goes to.

next year is a fresh start. Have a chill summer. Don’t push play dates etc just now as someone else said. Can he be separated next year from the other boy causing issues or is there only one class in his year? I do feel that my little one is very influenced by friends and we have been lucky this year that his classmates have been so lovely.

try not to get into a negative thought cycle with him
eg the more you think/say he is “bad” the more he will think that too. Big up any good behaviour at all. But immediate consequences for poor behaviour. For example I have been that parent removing him from party or a park at times. Now we operate a 3 strikes and you’re out type system which is similar to how the school operates. He needs us to be firm with him at times.

I do understand the embarrassment of it all - there are at least a couple of mums I thought I was friends with at nursery who have totally shunned us after last year. However we may have gone separate ways after nursery anyway and I am now sort of thinking these judgemental women are no great loss.

focus on his behaviour. The academic stuff may follow or it may not but the important bits are behaviour and effort.

Behaviour at extra curricular is generally fine. He can occasionally be bossy ‘Thomas you don’t pick the football UP like at rugby’ but he’s got good friends. He does seem to gravitate to other mad kids though (which I’m saying with affection) - mad and bonkers like labradors is OK, who doesn’t love a Lab - but it’s when it turns into more pit bull fighting dog territory it’s a worry.

Sounds the behaviour thing might be over exaggerated in your own head? You're cringing about it, but chances are other kids/parents aren't really noticing. I'm definitely guilty of this.

Some kids are just more rough and tumble than others. Yes some might be bad parenting but some is personality type. In my experience, my boys loved (and still love) play fighting and rough games, which are fine to begin with but then goes OTT and needs reigning it. It's also a pretty natural (and instictal) thing to do.

Just a (controversial) thought but maybe the flip side, by not letting kids act out and learn their own boundaries is possibly why massive rise in adhd diagnosis etc - as long as its nice hurting others and everyone's happy let them work it out?

I know kids aren't dogs, but seeing how my young dog 'plays' it out isn't too dissimilar to how my kids 'play' it out. When it goes too far you out a stop to it and seperate.

@Limon22 as I’ve tried to explain what I was hoping to avoid with that was the ‘why not visit the library occasionally / reduce his nonexistent tablet time / make sure you have a bedtime routine / why not go to the park.’

I do hope ds will achieve well and be happy which isn’t a ridiculous amount of pressure at all.

Bless him, he's a little, little kid. He'll be fine.
There are no syndromes, he's just a kid. They should not be sitting on a carpet and writing at that age.

Sorry your having a tough time OP

It’s a thought age, at 5 years old they are still learning to navigate social situations and to regulate emotions. I think often boys are more focused on play rather than sitting still and learning so it’s pretty normal for some to be a little behind. The first year at school is supposed to be based around play and learning social skills?

When you say he is causing trouble at the party and his behaviour is bad/weird, what exactly did he do? Does he tell lies to get others in trouble? Is he boisterous? Does he struggle to share? Or is he just misjudging situations and struggling to know how to deal with certain situations? Or does he seem to enjoy the attention he gets when he misbehaves?

Does he struggle to focus on one task? Does he struggle to sit still to do reading/writing tasks?

Most of what you describe just seems to be normal 5 year old behaviours but I totally understand why you are worried about bad behaviour and how it maybe reflected on you at parties etc. it sounds like your doing everything right. I don’t think there’s a quick fix. You need to lay down some rules and consequences and stick to them but I also feel bad behaviour at school should be dealt with at school and bad behaviour at home (or when your out) needs to be dealt with by you there and then.

He’s very young and he will likely change a lot in year one. Hopefully he will settle and make different friends.

I posted a bit earlier, as a parent. I am an ex-infant teacher. I really wouldn’t worry about handwriting over the summer - it just sounds stressful, which will be bad for you and ds (and dd). I would carry on reading for enjoyment - because that’s just fun.

I would also note that some children find the unstructured free flow environment of EYFS tricky, and actually settle into the more structured Y1 well - your ds may be one of these. Or he may simply need to grow up a little - he is so very young.

Try not to get stressed (an impossible ask when it involves our children), and grow a rhinoceros hide.

My dc are all now young adults - and by mid twenties nearly every parent I know is actually proud of their children, no matter how much stress those same children have cost them through their childhood/teens/university/early jobs.

Also will add that I found in DS class all of the sen kids (diagnosed/undiagnosed) or kids who are a bit different seemed to stick together and form a group which was chaos.

And its all very well people telling what to do to improve your sons finr motor skills but really you need an occupational therapist assessment. So you can pinpoint what he struggles with most. For my son in particular it is the pencil grip. He can pick things up like lego and hammer nails fine but cannot hold the pencil correctly. So we have to do specific exercises for that. And then work on core strength - so he can sit how he needs to to be able to write.

Ha @SalmonOnFinnCrisp I was just about to recommend those books! The Sue Graves Behaviour matters series. They really turned several things around for us and we still read them now with my 7 year old and her 9 year old cousin, they still love them. Something about how they are written really works.
OP to be quite honest I would dial down the social pressure for a bit and just spend a couple of weeks noticing the great stuff about your DS and where he needs to develop further skills. A lot of social skills can be taught to a lot of children (not all) and gently working on skills like listening, empathy may help you feel better as well as helping him.

Look I totally get that - we all hope that for our kids. But those hopes aren’t the issue, is your emotions, expectations and standards that you’re putting on yourself as a parent and your child who is still so young. We have to let them figure stuff out, be children, learn - even the hard way. You can’t carry such disappointment this early on, you’re just setting yourself up for so much heartache and ultimately it’s not good for you or your son. This is clearly eating you up, I’d work deep on that for a bit. Help with your stress and your feelings of comparison and embarrassment. Neither of you need that.

It can take time for kids to settle in to reception. My sons behaviour was absolutely shocking the first year but after that he settled down. He's doing brilliant both in his behaviour and academically. He still.struggles socially as he's autistic but has made a lot of progress. Work with the teacher and give it some time. Best of luck x

By the way I say all this with love and care - not judgement. It’s clear you worry and love your little boy a lot. And you just want the best for him. But as parents we have to manage our own emotions and expectations more then we realise, to let our children grow and learn. It’s not worth being so stressed about this early on.

Being attracted to drama is known as dopamining, and is really common with neurodevelopmental differences.

Perhaps you could chat to the SENCo to see if the differences are very pronounced between him and the other children.

I’ll add a slightly different perspective here.

I have a child with adhd and although we had some problems before he started school, it was his behaviour in school which really made me seek diagnosis for him.

We had a similar time to you in reception, and then it got significantly worse in year 1 when the school expectations around sitting still, lining up, listening quietly etc increased.

If id known then what I know now, that first summer I would have:

Checked hearing and eyesight

Changed his diet to increase protein and supplemented with zinc and magnesium

Looked up retained primative reflexes on YouTube and begun doing the exercises for the first reflex which he exhibits

Started doing exercise every morning before school

Treated poor behaviour more as a reaction to being overstimulated and less as being naughty.

But the “worry” seems to be entirely about how it reflects on you

@greenyellowleaf I think many of us have seen little boys like this. They just are not mature enough to make sensible decisions or friendships and the “mad” dc definitely gravitate towards each other.

I would have a meeting with the teacher and see if DS and the other child are being separated next year. If it’s a 2 form entry, this can and should happen. Also y1 is more about learning with less play. Why had he not used colouring pens at home? Try stubby crayons and get him started on his pen grip. There’s quite a lot you can do in addition to reading.

I hate these class parties. There’s no need for them and your DS just behaves as he would at school! It’s just school removed into a hall. Personally I’d avoid them next year. Start trying to wean him off his disruptive mate by inviting more calm dc round to play. He’s doing well in an activity he likes so maybe play with just one child who is less likely to play rough? If you aren’t careful he’ll be excluded from nicer friendships because parents will be noticing his behaviour at class parties and their dc will be aware of him at school. So nip this in the bud and curate friends!

Definitely talk to the school though. You all want the same thing and working on a home/school management and strategy is a good idea.

I had high hopes because he’s from a background which values education, he hasn’t had excessive screen time or been exposed to anything he shouldn’t, has been read to extensively, done the ‘right’ things. Thought he’d be fine; he isn’t.

I'm sorry, it just doesn't work like that and is really misguided thinking (and a bit smug too, sorry).

Will the boy be in a different class next year? As things become less free flow, they'll probably drift. The behavioural issues need to be addressed, but the reversing letters is very usual as other PPs have pointed out.

The real problem seems to be your disappointment that your superior parenting hasn't paid off.