Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

I feel like I’ve gone through similar worries myself and now I’m five and eight years on from reception age I can honestly tell you not to fret.

I had a child who was VERY behind up until the age of eight and then alongside some help from myself is now predicted 9s across the board for his GCSEs, and I have another one who is very boisterous and it’s slowly working itself out.

Give your child time and grace. Do lots of positive things over the summer and try and reinforce reading and fine motor skills by encouraging crafting - there’s a million and one ideas on the internet. In a few years time you’re going to look back and realise you were worrying unnecessarily.

He's in reception...I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. Sounds normal to me. If he's still struggling by year 3/4 maybe a dyslexic assessment. If he's still mixing b and d by then and struggles with days of the weeks, months and general sequencing that would be an indicator.

My son didn’t fulfil his potential at school. Primary was particularly hard. Every single year I would tell the school that he was capable of so much more and the teachers would smile and nod at the poor, deluded mother in front of them. He just didn’t work.

Despite his lack of work he managed to get into a decent university and finally he’s achieving what I always knew he could. It just took an entire school career of me thinking he was capable of so much more and him just not. He’s just finished his first year of university and he’s excelling. Just keep being there. They just get there at very different times.

I haven’t read the whole thread so maybe you have already answered this OP - but have you thought or asked why he is behaving like this. When he stands in front of other children so they bump into him and then he complains, who is he complaining to and what reaction does he get? Has it become a game to him to get some attention and does it think it is funny? How do the other children react - do they get annoyed with him? How does he feel if they avoid him or don’t want to play with him? I think you should start helping him to understand how to make friends now before he becomes isolated, the give and take that is needed, teach him some emotional intelligence. There are lots of good books on this for you and for him.

I have a friend with a ds who was very similar to yours then, he has turned out well! But some children do need help on the social side. Don’t despair - start now to teach and practice social skills.

Find me a child that wouldn't be, at being told they are leaving due to their behaviour. As hard as it is, I'd never use this as a reason not to make them leave, if their behaviour is that poor, they need to know there's a consequence.

One verbal warning
A firmer chat away from the party with a final warning
Home

My som had huge sensory issues around noise, he could get incredibly wound up and excited. I used to feel so stressed at parties,

He does have adhd, dyslexia, but he will be in the top class in secondary after streaming this summer and got a student of the year award and has a nice group of friends. He’s moved away from boys whose behaviour he doesn’t like.

Around this age we went to an Occupational therapist. She noted his core was weak and he had some sensory issues, which was impacting his ability to concentrate and easily fixed. We were able to work on those and had strategies eg playground before a party, giving him time to destress at a party, getting him to do ‘heavy work’ to ground himself in school (carry a bundle of books from one side of the class) she also worked on his writing. We used shaving foam on shower class to work on writing, and cross body development.

The school understood him, so he didn’t get into trouble and they were able to help.
boys mature later than girls, and lots have high energy, but they will calm down. We used to have a rebounder trampoline and gym balls to bounce on, special chewy Lego shaped necklaces. My son used to bounce on the gym ball and do his spellings

Id look for an paed OT, they can help with writing, sensory stuff, strategies for high energy and you can try to get in place for the summer or early into the new school year.

Sounds like you may have been mirror writing. Are you left handed?

This and it will also encourage discipline and help him follow rules.

^ OP, you said at the end of this post that his hearing is an issue.
I don’t know much about it, but other posters mentioned glue ear and how it can affect behaviour. Have you had his ears checked?

If you were too embarrassed to leave - you need to practice - take him to the ball park and when he gets over excited take him home - do it 3 times and he’ll understand - practice the rewards aswell.

I would also say the other mothers have formed a relationship that you aren’t part of - you need to get in there and your relationships will help build his

I'm saying this as a teacher - I honestly don't think you need to worry about him being behind in reading and handwriting at this age. Just work on social skills and do lots of what he loves so he is a happy little boy. Don't forget in so many countries, they don't even start school till 6 or 7 years of age.

Thank you. I don’t have very good signal so apologies if I miss some.

@Silvertulips no that’s not what I said. I said I was ready to leave but he did calm down. I was just saying that had I had to leave it would not have been very pleasant. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have done so.

@IGuessIllbetheFirst to be honest as far as I know that was new behaviour for ds; I haven’t seen him do that before. (He was complaining to me.) But he and this boy are a problem together, they just seem to bring out the absolute worst in one another.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but did he go to nursery? If yes how was he there? School
is a big adaption for some kids and he may need time to get use to the structure. Things that can help at home - obviously working with school on any issues, practising the work they are doing at schools. Encouraging social situations- how is his behaviour at parties, cubs, swimming etc? Disciplining unacceptable behaviour, consistent boundaries. Good routine, sleep meals etc opportunities to burn energy and to rest.

over summer practice sitting at the table doing an activity, also eating meals together is a good way to practice social norms like turn taking/ please thank you, sitting nicely etc.

I think you could use some help with your anxiety. You're getting so many fantastic and helpful responses, I'm not sure why you're getting your back up at so many posters.

Your son isn't a demon, he's a very young child who is learning and developing in the way that every young child does. They all do it slightly differently, but I guarantee most parents worry about their child being 'different' in one way or another. You will get through it, I'm sure he'll turn a corner at some point in the future, but in the meantime you need to try to get some help to make sure he doesn't pick up on your anxiety/upset/embarrassment.

Try separating him from his behaviour. That way you can be upset with his behaviour but still be a supportive parent. E.g. I love you and how good/funny/ loving you can be but when you pushed Leo that was really unacceptable and can you see that Leo is very upset. If you upset other children we will have to leave the party/soft play/park. If Leo pushed you then his mummy would have to take him home too. And then follow through consistently.

I found that my boys were much better when they’d had some exercise, like running around the park? It’s quite hard for some children to sit down for hours like you’re expected to at school and pay attention. So after school we’d go to play parks every day to burn off energy.

Finally I think you have overly high expectations of your son at such a young age. You have no idea of his future potential at five. He has plenty of time to develop his academic and social skills and it will be a very long school career if you take things so to heart at this stage (and I mean that kindly). Sometimes our job is to take the pressure off our kids.

By the way could you quote people’s messages rather than tagging them as it makes it really hard to follow your responses to their posts?

I think if you look back through my posts I have repeatedly thanked posters, politely corrected misinterpretations and pointed out when things aren’t correct. None of that is indicative of anxiety. I have also stated a number of times that yesterday was hard and I am more sanguine about things now.

The main issue is the relationship with the other child and truthfully there’s not a lot we can do about that other than try to encourage other friendships which is also hard at the moment.

@Speakeasier no is the short answer to that, the thread would be seventy pages long!

And we are now at ‘have you thought about going to the park’ 😂

What advice are you actually looking for?

Don’t worry about writing etc at this age, just focus on social skills and nice behaviour. Be firm and consistent and it will come.

I’ve had brilliant advice. I’ve repeatedly said thank you for it. Maybe you could go and report any posts you feel have been rude or contravened talk guidelines. I don’t really want to discuss it because it does just feel like you’re after an argument, to be honest.

Thanks @Hellohelga .

Forget what anyone else thinks. Read some modern books on parenting and behaviour. His behaviour might have an underlying cause, it might be the result of an unmet need..you won't find out unless you let go of your expectations and embarrassment and focus on being curious and engaged.
Tell the head teacher you want to work with the school to improve your son's outcomes and school experience.
The backwards letters are fine at this age.
He is really young. Work with him, be his champion and focus on what he needs.

@greenyellowleaf

You have identified some difference between DS and other children. He is ‘more’ than they are, and you are highly attuned to it.

I’m a SENCo. Purely based on your description, your DS has sensory issues and impulsivity/poor emotional regulation. Either this could be completely normal (which you don’t think it is) or there are some additional needs here (teachers have picked up on something, you have picked up on something).

There are two courses of action: watchful waiting or investigating. Both have their advantages.

What a bizarre reply.

I was an early years provider for almost 15 years. I know the concept is hard for you to understand but if you actually answer some basic questions people who are equipt to may be able to provide help. It will be better than the absolute arrogance you you replying with in this thread.

I also have two children, one of which is a free spirited own drum beater. He's absolutely not followed any standard paths.

I’m confident there are no signs of additional needs. Thank you, though. I’m sure the school will make me aware if they do suspect any.

Thanks @BatsInHibernation . I have read a few, some are ok but a lot aren’t really very hi helpful ‘in the moment.’ I actually find ChatGPT quite helpful as it’s more specific.

He is so young op. I would work on what he struggles with at home handwriting is practice. If he is easily distracted at school that may be part of the issue in a busy environment. I would be working on rewarding good behaviour. My youngest came out top of his class in reception but as a teen it’s levelled off, your ds has plenty of time. I personally do not think the school grading means much at ds age.

Why did her reply upset you? She is saying fix your expectations, not your child. She is right.