Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

And don't tell him that he has embarrassed you, especially for silly things like being an ass at a party. Use shame for really extreme and rare occasions that merit it, not trivia.

It would probably be helpful for you both to separate his behaviour and academic ability from how it makes you feel.

Are you planning on having a second child @greenyellowleaf ?

Ok focusing on his behaviour... There are a few elements to this: Your curiosity, his level of brain development, his emotional intelligence and your iron clad boundaries. You say what you mean and you allays follow though. Be predictable. It feels safe and containing.

What do you think is motivating his poor behaviour in any one given moment. You've not given a massive amount of detail in your examples here. But you wrote:
"Standing in front of other children and then complaining they had knocked into him, just a litany of ‘X pushed me! X jumped on me! X hit me!’ and X hadn’t (and I was watching both ds and X like a hawk!) But he was putting himself in positions where X would run into him or push past him"

So what do you think was motivating this? You know him best. I have suggestions, do any sound plausible...? Maybe he simply doesn't yet know how to play with other children cooperativly. There are stages to learning how to interact with others, maybe he's still at the parallel play stage. It's a brain development thing, just like fine motor skills needed for handwriting. To help, you and your family could role-play social play with him at home, developing turn taking skills, listening to others ideas and deferring to those sometimes and also taking the lead other times.

Or maybe he was angry at X for something that happened earlier, which you might not know about, but he wanted to get X in trouble to ease his sense of injustice. If that rings true, the best response in the moment would be to say "You seem like you're feeling angry with X, and want me to tell him off, why is that?" Narrating any behaviour you don't understand is a great tool. Just say out loud whats happening and then wonder out loud why it's happening. If you have a theory of why the behaviour is happening suggest it, see what they say. Wondering about his emotions in any given moment will help his emotional intelligence. Help him recognise his own feelings and those of other people too. Eg "you look very angry, your fists are clenched and your face is scrunched up. Do you feel angry right now" The trick to this is staying calm and curious yourself. Don't allow your worries about how other parents feel about your parenting to get in your own way.

Or maybe he wanted your attention. He wanted you to see him in his world. He was one kid in a crowd of others, but he wanted to be seen. But had no idea how to go about that in a positive way.

When it comes to your boundaries, they don't feel iron clad. Which is unnerving for kids. Where's the line? How far can they push in this situation? Or on this particular day? It sounds like you're letting your embarrassment and your fear of being judged by other parents get in your way of doing what you need to do. In this example, you needed to leave the party in spite if your children's dissapointment and a potential noisey (but time limited) scene they'd cause. Your feelings are very normal, no judgement about that at all from me, but if you were able to recognise that feeling of embarrassment in the moment and dismiss it as unimportant in the context of supporting your child's development, it would help you parent him immensely.

I think you are expecting too much from a very small boy. It sounds like quite a lot of pressure. This is reception ! Being distractible and easily wound up by another boy sounds totally normal for your average five year old .

I’ve only read your posts @greenyellowleaf and something stood out for me. Do you think your DS is trying to ‘police’ this other boy? And by that I mean he’s frustrated with the other boy’s behaviour and wants him to be dealt with?
I see this quite a lot in primary school, where some children want to correct the child doing the wrong thing.
Is the parent of the other boy stepping in quickly to deal with her son’s behaviour when at parties?
Break/lunch/playtimes at school can be much trickier for staff to nip things in the bud quickly compared to a classroom so is it possible your DS finds those times frustrating and gravitates towards the other child to, as I say, ‘police’ him?

Some odd responses here. I absolutely understand where you are coming from, OP, and I'm not sure why you're being flamed for worrying about your child's pattern of poor behaviour. I'm in a similar position with my 5 year old's emotional regulation. I have felt embarrassed by his behaviour at things like swimming lessons when he seems unable to listen. There's no shame in feeling that - you can't turn off your human social responses to things.

You are an engaged parent trying to get on top of this - that's going to make the biggest difference. Hang in there and keep communicating with the school. How many classes are there in his year group? If more than one, definitely push for him to be in a separate class to the boy he's getting into drama with.

Hopefully Year 1 can be a new start with a new teacher etc - and I'd try to talk to him about this "new start" idea if you can. I'd also make a plan with him for what to do when he makes a mistake with his behaviour (as all children inevitably will) - how to pull back from it and change his attitude, rather than doubling down on the bad behaviour and making it worse. This is something my 5 year old is definitely struggling with!!

Some children actually find the more structured approach of sitting down to learn (as opposed to the very free-flowing nature of reception) suits them better.

Obviously, as you've said yourself, you don't need to worry about him being slightly behind with reading - just keep reading with him a little bit every day and he'll get there.

If motor skills are notably behind, might be worth assessment for DCD.

Good luck - it's not easy. And wanting the best for your child and asking for advice on a parenting forum shouldn't lead to you being attacked!

Agree with this and glad we’re in Scotland where we can defer. Our child will be about to turn 6 when they start. They can already read very well and can write their name and some simple words they sound out and try to write. People are surprised when we say we are deferring but our child simply isn’t ready to be at school full time 5 days a week. Another year of a few days of nursery a week and free play is an absolute gift. I can well imagine our child would struggle going to school this August and then we would see the fall out from that, but by next year they will be more able to cope with full time education.

I'm wondering if he struggling with lack of structure and finds noisy/ unstructured times overwhelming. Especially if he's well behaved in the classroom, most children of that age are the opposite, their behaviour tanks when they have to sit still, focus and contain themselves. Parties likewise, chaotic usually and noisy which would suit most 4 year olds but could be overwhelming to some.

She said she has a younger child; a girl.

We did this a lot with Tracy Beaker on TV and all the spin offs. DD is very explosive just like Tracy! The "Daisy and the Trouble with..." books are good too. Daisy has the best intentions and is always in trouble.

That's a great idea!

I've done similar in that I make a PPT of summer holiday stuff DD did, at the end of August every year. She's not great at school so it reminds me she has other skills and attributes.

Don’t bet on the school picking up on additional needs. We had to get DS privately assessed for dyslexia despite it being blatantly obvious as well as the, not picking up on his ADHD. One of the things we found helpful was to use parenting methods for kids with additional needs even though he didn’t have a diagnosis. Hopefully it’s just a phase and he’ll settle.

With my 'difficult' child, we tried to use bedtime to dwell on the good things she'd done that day that she could be proud of. Many days were full of awful behaviour, but we tried to deal with that at the time, and keep bedtime positive so self-identity didn't become 'I'm the naughty/bad/violent one.' Sometimes it was hard to think of that one moment when she was gentle/kind rather than the all the shitty stuff, but it seemed to help. And she's turned out pretty well as an adult.

My child was also read to extensively - to the point that at 12 he has a fantastic grasp of narrative - and helped to appreciate art and culture.

By Year 4 and probably before that (but COVID skewed a lot of things) it was very clear that his intellectual ability wasn't translating to paper. He struggled with handwriting in particular. In year 5 he was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (dyspraxia) and dyslexia. He's also autistic, but in certain ways I think that's helped his academic progress as he does have that characteristic hyperfocus. With specialised tuition for dyslexia and work with an occupational therapist things improved and he achieved excellent results in his SATS.

You've put in a great deal of effort as a parent to ensure your son gets a good start, and this won't be wasted.

I'm sorry, OP, it's difficult to watch your child struggle.

Yes, I was the one who approached the school to ask if they thought DC might be dyslexic, rather than the other way around. And it was only when this possibility began to be investigated that other factors came to light.

No tips but just to say sending solidarity. Amy ds is due to start school this year and now i’m worried as this very much sounds like something I could see happening too!!

OP, I think I understand you and how you feel.
I have 2 kids, 1 is very academic and just went flying through the primary, took the 11+ and will be starting a grammar school from September.
My younger one just turned 6, is summer-born and it has been a struggle since pre-school. He was very tired in the afternoon. wanted to nap, cried loads... by the end of Reception he failed his EYFS goals for self-regulation and communication (he talked fine, but once he stared crying he just wouldn't stop and it drove the teachers mad). In Y1 he just didn't want to do the formal work - he just wanted to play. And it didn't help that he has had a rather strict, male teacher. He appeared very anxious and stressed at school. They put him on SEN monitoring in SEMH category (cognitively he is fine, learnt to read and write etc.), brought a lady from Outreach who said to do some confidence-boosting exercises, give him less formal work and praise more and explain things way ahead they happen. I always felt like he was simply less mature than other kids in his class (he is one of the youngest) and we never had these stressful reactions at home or when we are together, so his behaviour appeared very situational. I always try to remind myself that in many EU countries he would still be playing Lego in nursery .e.g. in my home country he would only start Reception from September and here he is going to Y2, knowing how to read and write... in other countries they don't even start to learn how to read or write till they are 6-7 and my son was telling me at 5 what is a fronted adverbial... of course he has forgotten about it all since. So don't worry too much, they are just still so very young. BTW my son's writing is atrocious, spelling all over the place and he hates it, but developmentally they don't really need to do it until they are at least a year older, so chill...

@greenyellowleaf The hearing thing did leap out at me.
So I would eliminate physical things first.

Then we are all different- I have a quiet child and a child who can get, as he puts it, 'a bit fizzy'. But he identifies his own triggers and is much calmer.

Some thoughts:

• how is he at home? Is he just as manic?
• in terms of academic stuff the summer is a great time to catch up. From when they were very little, we have done little bits and bobs over the summer.
• I often recommend the Five Minute Mum book for some games to play to reinforce concepts
• For fine motor skills play dough is great.
• Lots of low pressure opportunities to write

And on its own I wouldn't be worried about the absolutely can't draw thing. But just to work on his fine motor, would he agree to 10 mins of colouring or drawing every 2/3 days? It will help you see when/where he's losing focus, what his pencil grip is like etc.

OP there’s obviously something big going on at home, you’ve said you don’t want to say more, fine.

But you probably need to bear in mind that this big thing may well be making your DS feel unsettled/ frightened/ sad / angry / out of control / all of the above - even if you are doing what you can to mitigate - and that these feelings will come out in his behaviour.

Maybe he is falsely accusing his friend bc of a (subconscious or conscious) need to control events, to act out something he’s witnessed at home, to make himself feel he’s the good one, or even to test the boundaries for behaviour.

Just something to consider, and maybe discuss with a professional eg GP.

With respect op you are fretting far too much about your kids development.
Reception is one year, most kids reverse letters, most kids have good years and bad years and drama and issues with friends.
I would not be worried at this stage, especially so early on starting school.
It's just something to keep an eye on.. Take any feedback with a grain of salt and just support as much as you can with homework etc.
My ds changes friends every year and struggled in reception but is doing really well in Yr 1, remember in reception they are barely out of being toddlers.

Do you play card and board games where you need to take turns and follow the rules ? They're very good for learning social skills and taking turns . Also if he loses occasionally can build a bit of resilience . Obviously he needs to run or it gets dispiriting

at 5?
Core strength?
It's a little child.

I’m not allowed to flag ADHD or dyslexia with parents because I’m not qualified to diagnose. I can say things like “X finds writing and spelling tricky,” or “X struggles to focus in class,” but I can’t say to parents, “Have you considered ADHD/Dyslexia?”

Why wouldn’t a 5 year old need good core strength? My 5 year old has little abs from constant physical exercise. I see so many 5 and 6 year olds with pot bellies and rolls of fat from not moving around enough which should be natural and fundamental for young children. I imagine they have dreadful core strength too.

Are you a teacher? Why can’t you say those things? I know lots of teachers who have flagged autism, adhd, and dyslexia in primary school children. They’re often the first to flag it and help the parents on a pathway to diagnosis.