Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

You said you were having a difficult time at the moment, any family issues may be affecting his behaviour - even if he doesn’t directly know about them?

That’s great then. I’d ask school to clarify. I’d also set your expectations then as soon as he goes against this give a warning then off. He sounds like he was being antagonistic at the party. Is he usually like this? What’s he like with his sister? It’s not a popular way to parent these days but I’d say it’s important to try and stamp out behaviour like this by a consequence everytime. If you can’t host at home can you offer to take another child out to a park or play centre? Play dates are a way to develop friendships, as annoying as they are!

I work in KS1 and a lot of this seems quite normal. We still even now have several children that mix up their letters. I think boys tend to choose more physical activities too while girls will sit and do colouring and writing which develops those skills (if we have junk modelling out and a writing table then you do generally see a gender divide before people suggest stereotyping). The boys in my class also do seem to be a bit more careless about presentation and more of them are likely to rush their work in comparison to the girls. Obviously that's not the case for every child in the class but you do spot these patterns.
I would over the summer spend time enjoying reading, go to the library and continue to choose books he enjoys rather than ones he is forced to read. I would also practice handwriting. Just the basics like practicing letters, tracing over a whiteboard.

He sounds a bit silly with his friend but again I see a lot of that at lunchtimes! Can you mix him with other friends and organise playdates with others as well as his best friend?

Unless you could have asked someone to briefly watch your DD, i would have done that and taken him outside to calm down. At 5, 6 in Nov/Dec he should be very aware of what he was doing, especially if you explain it. If you think he wouldn’t then he may need more support. Or does he act like he doesn’t know? I find if I say it’s ok you have a think and let me know when you’ve realised what you did, usually gets them thinking about their behaviour as they are desperate to go back and play!

Our first had both fine and gross motor skill issues. The preschool picked it up at age four and I was so grateful. Their suggestions were lots of monkey bar work (which showed it to me but he got strong quickly) and play dough. Also a crossing the mid line exercise. In reception his lovely teacher let us know he needed more help on fine motor so we had a weekly session with an OT, special pencil grips etc. Resolved in four months :-)

Always worth talking to a specialist in my view

I have a child who was quite "easy" at this age but did turn out to have SEN later on.

I wanted to say that even at 13 (which she is now), "How to talk so children will listen" type approaches have never worked with her.

I think a lot of people massively overestimate what children can process in terms of words at this age. Keep it simple, keep it short. Discussing motivation is really sophisticated! DD still can't do that really at 13.

I preferred Laura Markham's books when DD was your son's age.

If he and you aren't enjoying the parties, don't go? Or is sending DH an option? Parties aren't compulsory and reception parties are kind of awful a lot of the time!

@JanFebAndOnwards yes it is highly possible but then also I have found myself edgy with him in situations like this prior to this starting so it’s hard to say, very possible though,

I have had a couple of children here for play dates and have also invited some to DDs party soon (they have younger siblings she’s friends with anyway.) So I do try. Re the bouncy castle I guess this is sort of what I mean about advice in retrospect being difficult as at the time I did take him somewhere quiet and tell him that if he didn’t stop we would have to go and it seemed to work but then some stupid behaviour ramped up when we were leaving anyway. It’s easy to say I would do this - in practice, with over thirty children running around shrieking and water and bouncy castles and toys and you aren’t even sure where at least one of yours is - that’s harder! He was outside.

It is also hard as while I’m not blind to his faults I haven’t seen him purposefully try to get others in trouble like that before; it was odd behaviour to be honest and a worry.

Thanks @Moonnstarz . Will continue working with him this summer.

How about meeting up in a local play park? Still a playdate but on neutral turf with space to run and be boisterous.
We do this a lot and it works well :)

What is he like at the out of school activities like swimming, squirrels, football etc? Does he make friends and act well there and follow instructions?

Does he play at home quietly on his own? Generally, young children need a lot of quiet play and that is best for emotional health and recharging. Things like Lego will help with fine motor skills. And lots of praise there and positive enforcement if he makes something nice.

What is going on at home? You said you are all having a hard time. Young kids pick up on this far more than we would ever like.

At school, has he in any way been labelled as one of the naughty ones and how are they discipline there.

@Phineyj thanks. I think that was the last party for this year (apart from my own DD that is but she’s not reception age anyway.) I don’t even know if he’ll be invited to any once they become a bit more exclusive. I hope so but it’s hard to say.

Will look at Laura Markham, I do find though that most books seem to imagine a calm environment, reciprocative child and quizzical head tilt when the reality is often a garden with a pool and bouncy castles, screaming kids and a mulish sullen child who will barely even look at you and you have to shriek just to be heard!

I really want to put as much distance between him and the other child as possible but thanks. We’re very widely spread too (rural school) so even finding a park is not easy.

They mostly have time outs at school. I would say I think he and this other boy are the ‘problem’ ones. There are ten boys in reception. He’s on the periphery of the group in many ways.

@greenyellowleaf I have read the thread and I see the concern and worry in your posts.

I also see a lot of supportive and helpful replies. I don’t really see anyone attacking you tbh. Some of your posts come across in a specific way, which has perhaps triggered a robust response, but I don’t imagine that truly reflects your feelings.

Anyway the focus should be on your DS, not you, as others say. Put aside the narrative of “we take him to activities and read to him and he doesn’t have screen time” as though those things will solve all issues.

You don’t say that I can see what form his poor behaviour takes. That’s fine btw but makes it harder for posters to suggest options. Being silly in class is one thing that is not unusual in FS2 – could it be caused by the ear issues you mention? I would really explore that as a priority (you also mention he glazes over when you talk to him).

Is he physical with other children? Is it that he messes about in class and doesn’t do as he is asked? What was the drama at the party?

I agree with others’ suggestions of social stories as a method of helping him navigate situations he finds difficult. Work with the teacher to explore what you can do to help at home.

As for the reading and writing, again I agree with PPs that there are lots of fun things you can do to develop motor skills. Use any enthusiasm he has to work with this – it can be as simple as drawing in sand, painting with water, using play doh, threading beads, Lego, Playmobil, other construction toys. All the best to him and you.

Sorry I see lots of new posts while I was composing mine! Will catch up in a bit so apologies if my thoughts have been answered.

Try not to worry too much, some children just take a bit longer to “get” social situations, and both socially and academically a lot will change over the next few years he is at school - you’ll be amazed at what he can do different to now in just a year’s time. Getting the letters mixed is very common at his age, and beyond.

My adult son was a lovely boy but a nightmare at birthdays, he has Asperger’s and the change from day-to-day life to birthday life (his birthday/siblings/friends) was just overwhelming for a few years (from 4-7) and his behaviour would deteriorate so much. I didn’t accept every invitation, and for a couple of his own kept them just small family events. He was a well-liked child by his peers regardless.

You’ll feel better if you are proactive - add some more fine motor skill play in to his days (mine all loved having a tack hammer and banging upholstery tacks in to a piece of wood, and lacing pasta on to shoelaces, it doesn’t have to be costly or grand), practice writing in fun ways with play dough/in shaving foam, pavement chalks etc, get together with friends after school at the park for less intense play opportunities.

It doesn’t really matter if anyone is attacking or not, but I am allowed to say if I don’t find a response helpful.

He’s OK in the classroom, mostly, it’s social times it all falls apart a bit.

Thanks @MrsPorridgepot . I do appreciate your reply

OP I was thinking of much deeper effects of family issues than ‘how you are with him’.

But it’s hard to say more unless you want to share what kind of issues there are.

I wouldn't exclude him from playing with this other boy completely. Do you know what the mum is like? Can you work together so that they can manage their friendship better?
It becomes really hard when parents don't want their child to play with another when that is the one person they want to play with. If the other mum also acknowledges they can be silly together then working on their social skills when they are together could help them.

We did "all the right things" with DDs but one was academic and one not, and is AuADHD. Both sailed through primary school but their secondary school experiences were very different, and DD2 had EBSA.

DS1 struggled a lot when he started school, and was the oldest in his year. He had AuDHD, it turned out. Medication (at school) changed his life and he is now 13 and regularly gets 100% in assessments.

A lot of children struggle as the routines of reception are very different to laid back nursery, as a PP mentioned.
Sometimes, it the language they use that just doesn't make sense to a very literal child.. Nursery: "everyone get in a line, one in front of the other" Reception "Line up everyone".
If he is a confident child he will just carry on being himself, even if that's loud and disruptive because he doesn't understand the concept of loud and disruptive. If you explain the cause and efffect (" when you are loud and shouty and everyone else is calm, no one can hear the teacher and it makes everyone cross" "when you bother John, he gets annoyed at you, and he gets cross") does it make any difference?
I know it's tough but simply not understanding what he's doing wrong and having it kindly spelled out can make a world of difference.

My two (boys) each had a horrific Reception year in both terms of social/behaviour and academics. They both then went on to totally turn it around in Y1. Turns out they really needed more structure to their day than you get in Reception. So don't lose hope yet OP.

Also a lot of kids act out at parties at that age, they get incredibly hyped up and there's normally a fair bit of sugar on offer.

Yes of course you are.

I was picking up on this and reads as an attack on me. I really don't think that's happening here. As far as helpful goes, people can only respond to what you have shared and it's difficult to get a picture.

I would say that if he behaves well in the classroom but not at social times, I have seen that a lot and it often relates to a struggle to behave which means that the issues spill out at break and the end of the day and any time that is not so regulated. Not sure I have expressed that well. But he needs support to manage that. What have school suggested?

So some practical advice, I would ensure that you and everyone you know uses a clear and simple behaviour strategy with him with clear boundaries. Not physical punishment but consequences for actions. Google 1-2-3 magic. It involved saying “if you don’t stop doing x, y will happen, this is a 1”. Then moving through 2, then 3, and then the consequence. Every time. You can of course chat about it but the consequence happens anyway.

If you’re currently doing any form of parenting which I would describe as “ineffective gentle” where the parents excuse bad behaviour with “big feelings” and don’t do anything about it (it doesn’t sound as though you are) then I think you need to move away from it.

I’d also email the school and SENCO about the report and indicate that you want your child to be assessed for any SEN, and also pursue this though your GP. I can’t give a diagnosis but it sounds like ADHD to me and, if it is, better to get him a diagnosis and apply for an EHCP as soon as you can (you can apply for an EHCP without a diagnosis but it’s more difficult).

Things change so much from Reception.
My DD mixed up her letters like that in reception and y1. The growth spurt that happens between y1-2 has been transformative. Finishing year 2 now and her handwriting is lovely and she’s now “at greater depth” in that area. Social stuff comes and goes - the friendships change and morph, I honestly wouldn’t worry too much at this stage