Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

It’s been widely reported that dc are lacking fine motor skills because they don’t colour anything in and have never been asked to do anything that requires dexterity - eg tying laces, colouring, lace threading and other crafty games. They cannot use scissors or carefully stick things together. Playing with play dough is good too. Or decorating cakes. Turning the pages of a book carefully and starting to write should have started at nursery. What did they say about EY assessments?

Yes I am. I explained why - I am not trained to diagnose but I can state that a child has difficulties with certain things. I can also suggest we meet with the SENDCO. After that, the parent can say things like, “Do you think it’s ADHD?” We can then say we see certain traits. We have to be very careful with how we say things. No teacher can state it’s ADHD/autism/dyslexia because we are not experts and may be wrong.

Edited to add: some parents can find the suggestion of any kind of neurodivergence upsetting and if we suggest it they can react quite badly. If a child is neurodivergent then chances are a parent is too. Some parents are not ready to accept that in themselves or their children.

Just want to add some other ideas for any kids who don’t care one jot for colouring in like my child:

Lego
Meccano/Brio Builder
Sticker books
Kinetic sand with various tools & moulds
Potion making in the bath with containers with different lids/spray tops/pipettes

Is there something going on at home? (I'm asking for reflection, not really because I think you should answer here.) I may have got the wrong end of the stick but you mentioned not being able to host play dates right now and your son having 'had a lot to cope with lately'. If it is that, then it could well be spilling out in terms of behaviour. Sometimes kids absorb and deal with things in really unexpected ways. Just a thought - might be totally off.

A different perspective op- I had to stop taking my DS to parties in reception for almost the opposite reason to you: he never wanted to join in, sat glued to my life, was terribly shy and found the whole thing totally overwhelming. After another one like this I decided enough was enough. We declined all other invitations to big all-class things I knew he'd hate. Fast forward a year and he's now finished Yr 1, loves parties, holds his own, joins in, no probs. Now obviously this is not your son but my point is they can change SO much in a relatively short space of time. This time next year your kid will probably have matured to the point you won't have to worry about behaviour etc. In the meantime I would probably do what I did (ofc!) and stop exposing him to situations I know he finds difficult, in the faith that he will get through this tricky stage (and probably move on to a completely different one- haha)

No teacher? I’m in Scotland so it may be different. I work in education and teachers absolutely do suggest things. I’ve been part of various teams who have brought autism concerns to parents and helped move towards diagnosis. Of course no one was diagnosing or saying “your child definitely has autism” but we had to be able to raise the possibility. The children I was involved with who we raised concerns about did go on to be diagnosed as suspected.

I think this is about how things are said.

To state something means to make it true. I cannot state a pupil is dyslexic etc. It is unethical to do so. I can tell the parents that their child struggles with certain things (ie give observations). I can suggest we meet with the SENDCO. I can suggest they meet with a paediatrician. But I cannot state I think a child is dyslexic/autistic/has ADHD. To do this goes against the standards.

It is good that he is able to interact appropriately at his extra-curricular activities. It maybe that these activities are very focused on specific tasks which make it easier for him to keep focused.
At parties, during playtimes and at playdates it can sometimes be unclear to a child how they are supposed to act. As adults we say "play nicely" or "behave" without being very exact about what that looks like in specific situations. You could start by practicing at home, instead of saying "eat your tea nicely" you might try "use your cutlery and don't leave the table without asking"...or whatever rules you have.
Distraction can be useful too - if he is getting carried away at a soft play party, try guiding him to things you would like him to do "who can climb to the top fastest?", "I really like the slide, can you show me how you come down?".
Also try to notice and comment on his good behaviour (even if you have to reach a bit to find some to begin with) "You really helped your friend at rugby, that was very kind".
Finally, please bear in mind that he is probably edging towards exhaustion at the end of a long and busy term (year?) at school. And tiredness can make it harder for children to make the right choices. The heat won't be helping either. Maybe bring bedtime forward for a couple of weeks.

Good luck, it sounds like you have a lovely little boy who is struggling a bit at the moment. He will get there in his own time.

You said you can’t even use the terms. This is surprising to me. We have absolutely spoken to parents about “suspecting something more going on” and then stating quite baldly what we believe the issue could be. These parents were often firmly in denial not to have seen anything themselves in the first instance but their children all desperately needed (and did get) diagnoses of autism, adhd, dyslexia etc.

He’s only 5 or 6 jeez give him some grace! The letters are perfectly normal. He could potentially have adhd, my son was a handful to say the least at this age and he’s got adhd. His issue was compulsive behaviours. That presented as shouting out in class, winding kids up and being an absolute wriggle monster who could not keep still. He’s passed all his GCSEs and is now a qualified mechanic.

Are you only just finding out about the issues now? The school year has ended. Haven’t the school been communicating? Things like handwriting and reading take time, children can go forwards and backwards. But the school should be telling you all these things?

@Twinmum0822 yes. Thank you; I think we have established that it’s normal and this is hugely reassuring. Please do bear in mind yesterday was extremely hot and quite stressful. I am sure a lot of you are brilliant mums and I don’t mean that snarkily; it’s sincere, but if you’re going to all tell me you’re at your best after an afternoon in the sun managing a manic five year old and a three year old … I don’t believe you! And I wasn’t at my best and overreacted and I see that now. The kind posts do that, they talk you down and it’s like your mum or best friend giving you a cup of tea and having a chat. You get it in perspective. I really am so grateful to those posters.

I agree this is usuall practice but all this hinting and beating about the bush does children and parents such a disservice: especially less well off/less educated/not educated in the UK parents. I was really surprised when I realised I was basically going to have to figure out what was up with my DC myself, organise assessments, pay, communicate, work out what to do about what was found...

Maybe some of these issues are down to small children being forced into a mould too soon.
People develop at different rates.

I would second this, My Dd did judo from a young age, the respect and discipline for themselves and others the coaches instil in the kids was far more valuable to my mind than winning matches. I remember the referee having a word with Dd because her hair bobble contained a metal strip, she had to change it before she was allowed to continue, every small detail had to comform to rules, it was invaluable.

He's four. My four year old was nearly five when he went to school and he couldn't write due to his fine motor skills (despite so much Lego at home, and other things using that skill).

His handwriting was always difficult to read to the extent that teachers asked him to do GCSEs and A levels on a laptop.

He has just got a first from a very good university. Don't despair yet.

No, he is five and he is actually closer to six than five. Most reception children are five by this point in the year.

Have they been separated for year 1? Maybe ask them to be.
If there was a big behavior issue it should have been addressed with you at the school pick up or drop off and during parents evening. He will change and find his strengths soon.

It’s one form entry and a mixed age class so they can’t unfortunately - I imagine they definitely would if they could!

He's very young indeed and there's far too much pressure on tiny children, especially boys who simply mature more slowly than girls, to be social butterflies. Having no friends at 4 is no big deal.

On the academic side, a lot of your posts have fairly basic errors in them op (eg a nightmare is a noun not an adjective) which is a bit of a reminder that not everyone needs to be perfect,I suppose.

Sorry to be an arsehole about the errors thing but it reminds me of primary school teachers criticising a child's spelling then saying "I was sat here waiting!" or something. Teeth clenching.

Haven't read all the replies, so sorry if you've had this advice in a hundred posts already, but ...

I've seen my son (just 4, still at nursery so a bit younger and lower expectations) do the standing in front of another child, get bumped into, "X pushed me!" dance a few times.

In his case, I think there are a couple of things going on. Firstly, he was missing skills for initiating play and joining in with a group, so was doing this as a (less than helpful) way of getting attention. He could manage if he was directing the game, but was struggling with joining in to something established. I've spent a bit of time feeding him some basic lines and encouraged him to look/listen first to get an idea what people are doing. I think it's helping a bit.

The other thing is that something similar happens with a particular child who he is friends with but where they both can get silly and amped up and really wind each other up. What has helped with this is some park based playdates where we as parents intervene when they get too silly, tell them both off of needed and have periods of separate play. I also do a lot of reminding him that if he's not enjoying playing with Emma he can go and do something else. Slow progress here.

In the context of describing a noun (my child) it is an adjective. It could also be a verb I suppose, but forgive me those sorts of posts really are unhelpful in the extreme. And rather rude.

Haha! What the fuck ? 😂 incredible!