Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

No, it isn't. And you've made a few others. So chill on your kid getting a few letters backwards I reckon.

Hi, @greenyellowleaf

I read this this morning and then got distracted! I have caught up on your posts but not all of the others.

I teach this age group and wanted to offer some reassurance:

1. reversing letters is completely normal, even the brightest year 2s occasionally hand in completely perfect mirror writing. Working on formation should help so he is starting in different places for b and d and s and z. Do his school use letter specific rhymes? Or long ladders/curly caterpillars etc?
2. Behaviour - I understand why you are worried but honestly, he will grow out of it! They always do! The trouble sets in when they are not interested in school or learning but it sounds that will not be the case. In the now, you should prioritise your relationship with other parents and children to protect against him becoming isolated, as you fear. For instance, he knocks another child over in a whirl of excitement, follow up with the parent, apologise and try to find common ground with the other child and your de. They both like drawing? DS draws them a picture. They both like running, race from the school to the corner of the road after school, whatever it is what gives them that positive bond and shows the other parent your son in a good light and plants the seed of “this boy is just like my child”. When parents get embarrassed and remove themselves from the parent social group that’s when the child is irrevocably isolated in my experience observing as a teacher.

We could argue about this all day and I’m sure you would. I was describing a noun (ds is a nightmare.) I am sure on one of the hottest weeks of the year on a very difficult day with a lot of distractions when typing I made errors. I probably have in this. And I am just wondering if you realise how rude you’re being and how upsetting it is, as I’m policing my own post now. I don’t want ds to not make errors because I’m a horrible snob. I am worried that I haven’t done anything like enough to support him and that he’s behind because of me. But clearly I’m thick as shit so no wonder, hey?

Thank you @FunnyOrca . That is really kind. I appreciate your reply a lot.

But he isn't behind at all. You have had multiple teachers and early years providers explain this to you.

He's perfectly in the large window of normal.

There are areas you can help improve, but it seems whenever you are given way to reframe what you are doing you take it as criticism.

Twice I (and, I'm sure others) have approach you directly asking what areas you want advice in. Because you seem to through most posters advice back at them.

I'm.an eyfs teacher and this post makes my heart hurt a bit. Communication and language and personal,social,emotional development are part of the ELGs for a reason. All children are learning, he may stand out but there will also be children quiet as mice sitting in the same spot colouring all day. BOTH have more learning to do in these areas.

Google bone development in boys and fine motor skills. It's fine. In any other country he would have at least another year before he even started school.

Have a cursory glance at my most recent posts and you will see I have repeatedly acknowledged this. I will repeat I don’t think us replying to one another is helpful. I realise I am doing so now but I actually would prefer the thread to be wrapped up.

Hello OP. I am an Early Years Practitioner with years of experience working with children who are about to start reception/are at this stage. I understand how you feel. I can imagine it is frustrating at times when your child doesn’t behave the way you would expect them to. My own kids went through different stages like that. One of them finds noise exciting environments like parties /soft plays/ play dates overwhelming despite being neurotypical. He starts getting upset/emotional/blaming others around him etc. I worked with many other children like that in nurseries/schools and this happened to many especially boys. Please, the best advice is to make sure your son is loved. At all times. Even when he doesn’t behave up to someone else’s standard. Do remind him of social rules and correct behaviour but do it with love and so he knows that he is enough for you. Reading will progress as long as there is an interest in your child. If he is pushed too much too early in life and it becomes a competition with other children that he got to get better at things the worst thing that can happen is that he loses this interest completely. Everything will come in times . Make sure to squeeze in small things you can do with him after school (especially when he has been making extra effort ) and have a little treat (picnic, ice cream, movie night ). If it’s a bad day for him tell him that you hope then next time he makes better decisions but still give him a hug. These stages do pass. Good luck

Ach OP have a hug. It’s really hard when you know you’re a pretty decent engaged parent and doing your best and your child doesn’t seem to get the memo. My eldest son was an absolute dream child who sailed through school and was brilliant at everything and really well behaved and his brother raised the same way was a nightmare in comparison. The worst thing is the judgment of other parents. My son ended up being diagnosed with ASD and whilst that wasn’t the end of his problens it at least gave us some support and strategies. I’m not going to lie a lot of his schooling has been a shitshow and I’ve shed a lot of tears and been on tenterhooks about his behaviour so many times but he’s now left school with hopefully 6 highers (Scotland) under his belt, very well behaved (still has his issues, after all he still has ASD) and it all worked out ok. As for other parents and their judgment, whilst of course you have to address behaviour, what a lot of them don’t realise is anyone can end it with a child with additional needs.

Thanks @Seasideparadise . I really value your response, and that of other EYFS teachers. I do feel guilty today. Yesterday was so hot and ds was being a bit difficult and I’ve had a lot of plates to spin so to speak and it is stressful worrying about your child.

One of the problems is I’ve no idea what’s normal and what to expect for this age! I do feel that some posters (I certainly don’t mean you) have honed in on something small I’ve said to trivialise and dismiss it ‘oh he gets his S’s the wrong way around; how ridiculous that you’re worried about that!’ when actually it is the broader context of everything I was stressing about yesterday.

It is so so reassuring to see ds is normal and he is a lovely boy really, his reading has actually come on leaps and bounds lately and I am actually very proud of him. (This is more general) just as some of you have pleaded with me not to dismiss ds on one bad day, don’t do the same to me. I am carrying one hell of a lot!

Thanks @Gengha , that’s a lovely reply and so glad it worked out for you

Thank you for this, I really needed to read this as a parent of two completely different children (one anxious and sensitive who's prone to exploding, and one calm and gentle that nothing fazes), forever thinking it must be something I have done. I'll keep on keeping on with love, boundaries and endless patience!

Have you posted before? If so, I think I've been on some of your other threads. I do honestly think your son sounds like a lovely boy and in your shoes I wouldn't be overly concerned with either his behaviour or his academic progress. They both sound well within the typical range for a 5-year-old. Obviously, you'll want to continue to work on whatever is challenging for him, but I wouldn't stress about it (easier said than done, I know).

Since you've alluded to some issues at home, I imagine they are affecting your son to some degree. I'm in no way saying that you are at fault and I completely respect your choice not to discuss the nature of these issues on MN, but I would say they may well form another piece in the puzzle.

I really hope that the remainder of reception goes well for your son and that the holidays turn out to be something of a reset.

Yes I thought i recognised

Oh fgs, using nightmare as an adjective has become totally acceptable in casual language even if the adjective is in fact 'nightmarish'. Language evolves all the time.
Your first sentence contains far too many sub clauses, in my opinion. This makes for a clumsy, stilted writing style.

As for 'I am sitting' vs 'I am sat' https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/336376/is-there-any-difference-between-im-sat-and-im-sitting

Oh undoubtedly they are and I’m trying to be understanding but they are also affecting me, of course. And thank you. He is a lovely boy

I am really sorry if I am going to sound a bit harsh and I do know that some families really value education and it's a good thing.

Saying this, your thread really screams at me your son is a disappointment to you. Children are very perceptive even at this very young age.

I think you need to make a decision to love and support your child for who he is rather than indulge in wishful thinking about a child you were hoping to have.

Going by mother's experience, there's no greater tragedy for a human being than the feeling they were never good enough

It likely doesn’t matter - but what does the teacher say? Is he young in his year?
Kids are all so different - my little girl got “emerging” (ie bottom category of achievement) on her first school report. She gradually caught up and is top or near top of class in secondary.

Have you read the thread, @Kosenrufugirl , or perhaps just a few posts from yesterday? No, I’m not disappointed. Not disappointed at all.

Its not necessarily a sen but it could well be .
Basically behaviour issues commonly can be from autism or adhd.
Autistic kids can struggle to understand/accept adults are the ones in charge
Sensory issues which could mean kids hate being bumped into and claim its to hurt them. Or seek out to be bumped into.

ADHD can seek out trouble/impulsive so is enjoying playing with other child who is similar.
But - while i wouldnt worry re the academics— he is already 5.5yo, but obviously things like ADHD can impact academics because they will be distracted, maybe chatting, getting up etc. But for autistic kids they can be perfectionist, or have slow processing.

Anyway there is a lot of positives, he doesnt seem much behind at all. He has a friend/friends and was invited to the party.

However 100% the senco wont ime raise issues re adhd or autism they tend to ignore more subtle issues including dyslexia.
I would pay most attention to

• is he getting all the classwork done?
• behaviour for learning on reports.
• my audhd dd often had not met for concentration.

keep an eye on how he gets on with teamwork things in class or sports. Things like saying to a kid they shouldnt pick up the ball iin football could be seen as a bit abrupt socially/the teachers job.

Ideally dont take siblings to parties. But I definitely would try to avoid hauling him out of a party for bad behaviour as that would be more noticed than the behaviour.

i found/find dd is particularly challenging in various way after active parties so trampoline/bouncy castle etc. im not sure if its the sensory or physically tirinng/out of breath. Theres also obviously a hell of a lot of sugar and enumbers in party food.

Also if he isnt occupied with friends who are behaving well at parties hes getting up to other things

I think you should cut yourself some slack, OP. You sound like a great, engaged parent with a lot on your plate, who had a nightmare afternoon at a bouncy castle party for 5 year olds in an unbearable heatwave. It is mortifying when they are the nightmare kid at the party but it’s much more common than you might imagine. I suspect most of us have been in your position at some point. Parenting two young children is exhausting at the best of times. And it sounds as if this is not, perhaps, the best of times for you.
Hats off to you for keeping the screen time to a minimum. That’s not easy when you’re exhausted and the twinkling lights of the electronic babysitter beckon. He sounds like a high energy DC and you’ve put great extra-curricular activities in place to help burn off some energy. Team stuff, such as football, rugby and squirrels 🐿️ will be great at helping him regulate his attention seeking. The fact that he’s fine at the extra-curricular activities is something to hold on to. It really does sound like this other boy pushes his buttons and vice-versa.
As a mother of three adult children, my main piece of advice is to trust your instincts. You know your DC best and your instincts are sound. Separating him from the other boy as you are doing sounds exactly the right thing to do. Your concern about picking up on his educational development is also sound. While PP are right that all DC develop at different rates, if he is a bit behind, getting him up to speed now is much more sensible than letting it drift. You don’t need to be heavy-handed about this and you aren’t being. You’re just doing the right thing. You are also best placed to judge regarding any developmental issues. You don’t think there are any and you’re almost certainly right. No point chasing unnecessary diagnoses if the symptoms aren’t there.
It also sounds as if you are tackling the behaviour issues well. You told him he would have to leave the party if he didn’t behave himself and he did start behaving. That was effective parenting. You stayed and didn’t cause disruption for the party host by leaving. (Ok, so he acted up again at the end but by then the threat of leaving early didn’t hold any water and, also, he’s five!) It sounds like you handled things really well. I would bet money that your son will be fine because he has an engaged mother who is interested in him and his development, who clearly loves him and who is also honest and realistic about him. You knew he was being the problem and you didn’t shy away from that or make excuses. That’s admirable.
What I’m more concerned about is you. Are you getting enough help and support? Are you getting some time away from the DC to decompress? Do you have any help? I hope you do and I hope it is sympathetic and loving help because you’re doing a great job and you deserve to be told so.

I would ask the school to switch his class so he can be moved away from the other boy.

You should never be embarrassed about your child and their development every child is unique and also different a take different times to do different things.

I have a child who is just going in to reception her hand writing isn’t the best either but I don’t expect it to be at nearly 5 years old. Motor skills will grow in school that is what it’s there for. Also every child misbehaves whether that’s with another child or on their own it happens it’s also normal.

I would try and change your mentality on it and the way you look at it rather than feeling disappointed at your child. It’ll only get better and they’ll learn as they grow