Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

Thanks @Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies . I think his teacher is good but it’s not an easy class and while I once would have said ds gets sucked into the drama I would now say based on yesterday he causes a lot (most?) of it. It is hard when most children are playing nicely and their parents able to relax and meanwhile I can’t, no matter how normal people might insist it is none of the other kids seem to be doing it!

OP, in my experience the ‘troublemakers’ at reception stage were no longer troublemakers in y6 - does that help? His self control may develop later and that’s okay. It’s heartbreaking and so depressing as a parent to receive yet another incident report about your child - I’ve been there - but everyone’s different and he’s got a long journey of change ahead of him. I found certain parenting books helpful to reassure myself I was doing what I could.

In terms of academic progress, there is absolutely more you can do - not to make you feel guilty at all, but to reassure you that it is constructive to lock in and many parents do offer extra support. Reading to them is great, but at reception they need to be reading too themselves - we bought extra Biff and Chip books etc and made our way through them. There are handwriting books too, fun ones - just do two pages a day throughout the summer holidays.

Being “embarrassed” about his academic ability is really sad. Will you be like this for his entire life? Embarrassment is based on what other people think (of you it seems, as you see his ability as a reflection of your parenting).

What if turns out to be someone who just isn’t that academically strong? Your DS is a whole person, not just an extension of you.

Thank you. He reads to me every day and we do make time for this. I’ll aim to up that and the handwriting.

I think I’ve been quite clear that my embarrassment was linked to his behaviour.

Parenting books that could be helpful:

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen-and-listen-so-kids-will-talk-book-adele-faber-9781848123090

amzn.eu/d/00YgONk8

Workbooks to use over summer:

https://amzn.eu/d/0f0b9g1D

https://amzn.eu/d/05yaMei2

OP - take a hard hat approach to mumsnet - don’t be offended easily, just take the advice that’s helpful and skim over the rest. People have the best intentions and the brusqueness is what makes it so honest compared to real life.

Thanks. I didn’t find that book very helpful I’m afraid but thanks for the link. I’m just a bit surprised at being honest about how I felt after a very stressful party has led to some really uncalled for responses.

Yet this is how you started -

“And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.
I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading..”

A child who has been read to extensively and exposed to culture, did you expect that to change his behaviour? You are also preoccupied with reversing letters and handwriting.

Yet there have been other subsequent posts which I think clarify, haven’t there? Yes, I would like him to be achieving a bit better, but it’s part of an overall picture of poor achievement and poor behaviour.

Are you sure this was the case? I think we can sometimes hyperfocus on our child because we are responsible for them, and miss what others are doing.

What sort of behaviour is he demonstrating? Would it be worth doing some social stories to work through some of the social issues you have identified.

OP, your responses speak volumes.

You are very defensive. I don't think you are very good at recieving negative (or any?) feedback.

You have probably done 'all the right things ' your whole life and it's worked (or felt like it did, because you got lucky).

Children blow all of that out of the water. Parenting can be truly humbling to your entire belief system.

Take some time to reflect on the meaning of what people have said here. I think you've received really helpful advice, such as:

• understand he is his own person
• you cannot rely on the school to fix this

I would add, the sooner you focus on him and not what the school/parents at the school think of him, the sooner you will help him out.

Probably, it’s very hard when people say things that just … aren’t true. I mean, I know how I feel. I honestly wouldn’t mind in the slightest if I had a child slightly behind in reading but making brilliant progress with social and personal development and I was in fact going to have the post about his behaviour but then I mentioned it in context of reception as a whole. I wish I hadn’t now! But then if I had it would have all been fixated on SEN / ND and consequences and so on.

I am sure many posters are right and I will read this in three years (well I won’t as it’s 30 days only!) and wonder what I worried about. We’re all having a hard time anyway.

@MDDR he was being pretty difficult to start with to the point I really thought we’d have to leave, but then seemed to calm down. He then became difficult at the end. You’re probably right and I was hyper focused on him.

I’m going to disagree with the vast majority. I don’t agree with don’t worry, he’ll catch up, because some children don’t. I’d go to school and speak to them about what he’s behind in and what you could do at home. It could be phonics flashcards daily, lots of fine motor activities like cutting, threading etc. Get him themed stationery (a lot of my class like superheroes) and practise letters with him.
Behaviour if he glazes over what do you do? Do you say I’ll speak to you when you’re ready to listen? Are you and his dad both firm with him? Do you let behaviour go normally but expect him to behave at school or at parties? Next time there’s a party I would tell him I’m not sure you can go as you’re really silly and it’ll spoil it for the birthday child.

Do you have consequences for
behaviour?

I can really hear the worry in your
posts. I know it’s not just up to school etc but what have they done to support him academically and socially this year?

I’ve been a teacher for far too many years now and I was a senco for a long time too. Letter reversal is very normal with little ones learning to write, it’s something to keep an eye on but not to worry about at this stage. Couple of things to think about is he left handed? We’re a special bunch and many of us reverse and mirror write. Any dyslexia in the family? Not saying he us but these are things the school should be asking.

How’s his concentration at home when you’re reading / life in general? Again, he’s really little still but you said it was really obvious how different his behaviour was to some of the other children at the party. These are all things to talk to school about. Social stories are brilliant and I’ve used flow charts before for desired / undesired behaviour and consequences.

Some children really struggle with the free flow in eyfs and get on better / much prefer the more structured approach of year 1 onwards.

Thanks @sparrowhawkhere . I have spoken to them and the main problem is the reading. He isn’t dramatically behind (I was very hot, tired and had had an extremely stressful and upsetting afternoon, which obviously impacted my post(s) here.) I am working with him as much as I can, but it’s a fine line between wanting to support and encourage and turning him away from it. I’ve been reading books a level or two above the ones he’s sent home with and he’s fine with them generally.

I haven’t received his report yet but I will work on the things mentioned in it.

Do I have consequences for behaviour - yes, as much as they are linked to what’s happening. Yesterday for instance I really was on the verge of leaving. But I am often conscious that this makes things worse. It is difficult finding things he cares about to be honest: he isn’t really into TV or screen time generally, just a bit at the end of the day.

Thank you @Happyhettie . It does really help to know this as I can’t gauge what’s ’normal.’ He does get Ss and bs and ds the wrong way around. I definitely need to work more on that with him. There’s no dyslexia in the family as far as I know though.

At the party he just kept causing drama tbh, no other word for it. Standing in front of other children and then complaining they had knocked into him, just a litany of ‘X pushed me! X jumped on me! X hit me!’ and X hadn’t (and I was watching both ds and X like a hawk!) But he was putting himself in positions where X would run into him or push past him (bouncy castles; man I hate bouncy castles.) So tedious. Anyway he did knock that off.

I’ll get a load of advice now on what I should have done though which I don’t really want; it’s pointless in retrospect.

Do you give him ‘the chat’ before you go into parties? I found this helped - You set up your expectations - I expect you to do x y z - If you play nicely and leave nicely we will get ice cream/go to the park/ visit x / get a sticker on the way home

If you do X or Y we shall leave the party

You then offer the positives in the party

Then follow through - teachers will do the same in school so he should know how this works

An alternative might be to wear him out prior to the party.

Always, doesn’t seem to make any difference in the moment. He gets so wired and I used to think it was over excitement but I did see a different side yesterday which prompted the thread.

Can you get him a tutor? Of course it’ll help him academically. But also working with a tutor 1-to-1 regularly, will likely improve his behaviour in class and help him learn more about interactions go which will help him socially.
I know this is mumsnet, but in real life, in my affluent area, I know at least some reception/ year 1 children definitely have tutors…

i meant generally if you try to speak to him his attention span wanders. It is hard to know what goes in at this age. We do a lot of ‘how might suchabody have felt; do you think Noah was angry then or do you think he was upset; why do you think Ellie shouted’ but when I do it in relation to him he just doesn’t have that insight.

That's 100% normal. Kids tend to start to develop this between the ages of 4 and 5 and it continues to develop through childhood.

I have a January born DS who causes ruckus with another little boy in reception - who is also a neighbour! Teacher says they interact like siblings as a third of the class live on the same street (small rural school).
Some of it we have found is when my DS isn't being challenged enough, he messes around. Next year they'll be in a mixed age class so hopefully it will be better.

I'm following for advice - going to start karate for discipline around physical interactions and back to basics for some social skills, whilst also reminding myself he's only 5 so still very little in the grand scheme of things.

It is probably worth talking to the school if you haven't already, they should hopefully know what may help him and be able to offer advice.

My gut feeling is more play dates with the problem child so you can suss out the parents too. But closely supervised playdates (this is what I'm planning anyway!) on the basis that if they learn to behave better outside of school it may help inside school too. It might also reveal patterns to their behaviour which could be addressed.

And in terms of development, maybe he's just focussed more on physical skills this year? We can't all be academics and maybe your DS will go on to have some fantastic sports scholarships for example.
I understand your disappointment though if reception year was not what you'd hoped for him ❤️

Im
glad you haven’t minded what I’ve said. I’m a teacher but my own child also struggled. I was told they’d catch up but I ignored them and did a lot at home, often with crying (from them) and stress (for me) involved! I understand about putting him off, I’d get them to be more clear, what do they suggest you do? Is it blending words better, recognising common exception words or comprehension? Or all?
When you say leaving would have made things worse, what do you mean? At the party or once home? He might need a shock to realise you mean business! I would consider are there things You let go that on reflection are the start of him misbehaving? I meet a lot of parents who let little things go then struggle with bigger behaviour.

I might look into it @BeUniqueDreamer ; I was unsure as he’s so young but it it might help? I just don’t want him falling behind.

Definitely no play dates with problem child. I can’t host at the moment anyway and I can’t very well demand they host us and besides, it was an absolute disaster when we went there (not actually DS’s fault on that occasion) but not an experience I’d ever repeat.

To be honest @sparrowhawkhere I’m not totally sure! He follows the little Wandle scheme. Most of them seem to be on phase 3 set 2. He’s on phase 2 set 5 (the next one up is phase 3 set 1.) But I’ve read a lot of phase 3 set 2 with him at home and he seems OK. Sometimes trips over a word but he does know it. And his comprehension is very good.

And sorry - I meant had we left he’d have been hysterical as would DD, I’d have had to drag them both out probably one at a time and while I would have as it ultimately wouldn’t have been fair on others I’m not sure he’d fully have understood why.