Ds has made such a bad start to reception

[greenyellowleaf]

And I’m honestly mortified. I had such high hopes for when he started. I knew we had some areas to work on like fine motor but broadly thought he’d be fine as a child who’s been read to extensively and taken out and exposed to language and culture.

I was very wrong. He’d behind on his reading. Lots of social struggles; he and one other boy are undoubtedly the problem children in reception (of course they don’t use that term) wind one another up, are generally awful to one another but won’t leave one another alone. I’ve just had yet another awful class party where I’ve been embarrassed by him (before anyone has a go, I did manage to get him back under control by telling him we’d go if he didn’t knock it off and I meant it but then right at the very end indulged in some stupid behaviour again,) Fine motor skills have barely developed: his handwriting is dreadful, can’t even write his name, gets Ss and Z the wrong way round and b and d.

I hate feeling so down about it and in all honesty embarrassed but I am. I am surrounded by proud friends made up with reports and I’m just so upset.

He has a beavers session once a week, swimming Saturday morning (half an hour lesson) and football Sunday morning (one hour) I don’t think it’s too packed but maybe it is. I can’t really say; I don’t know what’s normal as sometimes on these threads people have children in after school clubs until 6 every night plus breakfast club and are thriving and others less so.

@Electricsausages that is what happens although it is more at social times and at eg parties which I’m honestly starting to find so stressful I might just have to knock on the head.

Thanks again @Emilesgran . Hearing is an issue and I do notice behaviour ramps up when he complains or problems in his ears.

He’s just little and he’s learning. The thing is kids are not just a product of our parenting. They are individuals with their own personalities. It’s rubbish when they find school tough or have social difficulties but life is full of obstacles and your job is to be his cheerleader helping him through them.

Make sure you encourage the things he’s good at and build his self esteem because if he’s going to find school difficult he’ll need that.

OP, I think @Backstop gave very sensible advice, as a mother who’s been through the full parenting cycle. I don’t think she was trying to upset you at all.

I’d agree. You sound like you are over-thinking everything. He’s only a little boy! Of course, follow the suggestions re hearing / eyesight / any other concerns but he hasn’t made a bad start, he sounds like a normal boisterous boy. You will work on his behaviour, and he’ll learn as he gets older.

I have teens; I am constantly stressed about them (DD & 2 x DS, one of my DS is particularly challenging). I do understand the worry & over-reaction - I was / am the same.

Just keep doing what you are doing, DS will be fine!

He sounds pretty normal for reception, there's always a few rambunctious boys in every class. They're still so young and there's a lot to learn socially, especially for boys.

First of all, you need to stop comparing him to others - children develop at different rates and if he needs a bit more help socially then he does - stop being upset or embarrassed and start addressing it. Look at classes that have an element of discipline - martial arts, rugby, football, they really help with developing working with others and following rules. Also, have some playdates at your house, plan some activities and supervise them - encourage turntaking and working together to make/build something. You need to give him lots of opportunity to learn and practice his social skills. Support with story books and even social stories if visuals would help him. Don't despair, there's work to do but he's little, you've got plenty of time!

He has a beavers session once a week, swimming Saturday morning (half an hour lesson) and football Sunday morning (one hour) I don’t think it’s too packed but maybe it is. I can’t really say; I don’t know what’s normal

At 4 there is no normal, some kids will be able to handle more than others.
I think it might help if you try and reframe thinking there's a standard he needs to meet.

@frenchnoodle there are general senses of what’s roughly about right, with variations either side. For instance there is a thread at the moment about the times 3 and 5 year olds go to bed and while there is a variation as you’d expect an hour either side of 8 o clock is about right.

Thanks @whippersnapper55 . It isn’t a comparison as such but when everyone is happily playing at a party and yours is causing drama it’s hard not to notice. Especially when this directly impacts him.

What did he do at the party @greenyellowleaf ?

It’s normal for all kids to act up / be a bit hyper occasionally. Sounds like you dealt with it appropriately?

OP, I really empathise with you. My son is at the end of reception and we have had a similar experience to you in many ways - I could have written your post back at Christmas. I was feeling so low.

Despite being a fellow beneficiary of middle class patenting (lol) and being absolutely fine at nursery, my son struggled with the transition to reception. This manifested in poor behaviour, not listening, not sharing... I was taken aback.

Are you a successful, people pleasing type of person? Because I am. I found it really tough to hear negative feedback and winced (and obviously intervened appropriately) at the potential judgment whenever he was one of the most boisterous kids at a party.

BUT. This experience has forced me to confront some of my own limitations and to see that this is about HIM and not ME. If you’re parenting your son effectively, then his day to day life at school isn’t some kind of reflection of you. He’s his own person.

Your job is to absolutely, unwaveringly have his back. You cannot lose sight of this! Do not let him see that you are mortified. I don’t mean that you should be lax or permissive. Work with him and with the school to tackle any key issues, and yet be steadfast in your role as his number one fan and advocate.

For what it’s worth, my son has made strides in the last term. We have been relentlessly consistent and supportive. It has taken time and patience, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be the easy kid I imagined. But I will continue to support him to be the best he can be.

Thank you @Pileoflaundryyy . I really do appreciate your post. He’s had a lot to cope with lately and I do really feel for him. It’s just so hard to manage when you can feel yourself being judged. I did tell him I was really embarrassed by him today and felt bad for it.

I don’t think there will be any more parties this year and next year who knows … that’s another worry, that friendships may wane and become difficult as they get older and into their own groups a bit more. Such a worry.

Hello! I just wanted to say please don't be embarrassed and it sounds like you really care and are really onboard to help change things. Does he have any hobbies or interests outside of school? Like a sport or club? I only ask because sometimes it's really good for their focus and self esteem to excel, or at least enjoy, something else.
In my experience as a teacher, sometimes poor behaviour is about how the child sees themselves - this is certainly nothing that you have done, just sometimes if they find school hard, it can give a knock to their confidence.
I would flag this up again to school at the start of year 1, and ask for more support for him. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need! He's still very early on in his his school career, there is plenty of time to turn things around.

Ah sorry I see the post now where you say he does clubs!

Thank you I am probably overreacting a bit, it’s just hard not to feel that the year hasn’t gone very well overall and this does make me really sad for him.

@backstop put it nicer than I would have done. Being embarrassed of a child with delayed development is do detrimental to them. If it's hit a nerve, maybe you needed to hear it to try and change your perspective.
If your child is SEN, you may also soon realise how hard it is to see so many judgemental comments that assume SEN is a result of poor parenting. You may be upset by these comments, but you should recognise your comments/OP are also upsetting for others to read.

Sorry OP I didn’t mean to upset you - I meant it more in the spirit heard by the above poster but I did see when I read it again it sounded tart. You are clearly a parent your son is lucky to have but I absolutely do know as a parent out the other side of it all (and yes that teen stuff can be so much more of a beast @EarringsandLipstick - keep your nerve!) that you have nothing to be embarrassed or mortified by. It’s just normal and you can relax and find the fun. Looking inwards helps us find why we feel like we do. Let face it if someone is judgemental about a young child’s behaviour they aren’t someone you need. The parents who learn the biggest lesson have one or two of the ‘I just tell them not to touch’ types of child before having one of the ‘oh god - they’ve don’t what?’ types. Trust to the love and care

Take a breath! His future is not set in stone because he's occasionally misbehaving. What's important is to make sure he doesn't have Sen - ADHD specifically in your case. I would ask for a referral just in case.

Honestly, kids are so different from one another at this age, nothing to do with intelligence or anything - I really wish the UK started formal schooling at 6 like a lot of other countries. At school start, some kids are really ready, they're articulate and can do a bit of reading, others are barely out of nappies and daytime naps. Some are bright but not ready for sitting still and socialising. Some don't have very developed motor skills and might not write well for the first few years.There's nothing to be ashamed of about a Reception child having the sort of difficulties you describe.

Im at the other end - mine ds is now late teens. His older sister flourished at primary. He didn't. Didn't like sitting still, I remember that he spent most of the time upside down and didn't really have friendships that really clicked. He was below in ks1 (got extra support), average in ks2 but had a bit of a spurt in yr5. Average in beginning of secondary then just found his groove about age 15 and ended up with the same excellent A levels as his sister.
I worried a lot, thought I should be doing more with him, tried to and he got fed up. Let it go and then over time just tried to relax. I learnt for us the best times to chat about friends etc., were whilst doing something else like walking to school (on the days I could) and finding ways to build confidence and reward great behaviours.
I know its difficult not to worry and it shows you care but you've got a lot of school to go and it will be up and down. Concentrate on one thing and if it is social skills, pick things to do with him that develop it in general. He'll get there.

The past is the past and you can only move forwards.

you need to sign up to reading chest and bribe your ds to read the books a couple of times a day. It’s quite easy to propel a child’s reading this way. Bribe with anything suitable. Toy, trip, anything. I did this. Count and multiply with smarties. Colours, patterns etc.

I would also practise writing every single day. Inverting b / d etc isn’t unusual or problematic.

When my ds was difficult and young, I taught him to write well using swear words. You can learn some good writing, spelling and sounds by writing shit, fuck, dick, arse etc. you can count the letters and see they all have four. Before anyone bothers bollocking me, ds is 20 and got 9x9 at GCSE and was good teenager. He just needed some fun encouragement when he was little.

Bottom line is you fix this yourself. Rely on the school at your peril.

I learnt very quickly that school won't do reading, you have to do 30 mins a night and you have to move up the bands yourself, don't wait for school to approve. I would get DS to read a book a night using the Biff, chip ones and by the end of the packet of 15 or so books he'd be up to the next band. It was at times torturous but it got him reading very quickly. I find they keep them on the lower bands for so long it crushes the excitement of reading.

Writing takes time I think more so with boys. I would do lots of lego and clay modelling over summer.

How do you get to school? I find my DS' behaviour is massively better when we do a 30 minute walk. I would also ask to split the two boys if there is a 2+ class intake

@100pearls maybe you habitually use those words at home but I certainly don’t. Ds doesn’t know those words and I am certainly not going to teach him.

@Thawtfulpanda i do read with him daily. He has a book from the scheme they follow every week but I also have some I’ve ordered. Writing is harder to fit in. I do want to do more with him. I just do notice his version of a drawing is one colour and a few lines.

A lot of people have focused on the embarrassment and that’s specifically linked to behaviour not achievement. It is difficult when your child isn’t behaving particularly pleasantly and I’m afraid I’m human and I do feel the judgement of others (real or imagined.)

I just do notice his version of a drawing is one colour and a few lines.

Which is fine at 4 and 5 years old.

Without coming across the wrong way you really seem to have trouble grasping that there is no "normal" at this age when it comes to academics.its not you fault, it's the pressure schooling at an early age puts on you.

@frenchnoodle i have ‘grasped’ that, thank you.

What you seem to be having trouble ‘grasping’ as you put it is that I have a child who is maybe not quite where he ‘should b’ academically and that’s OK; I would like to support him, but what is mostly troubling me and upsetting me is that his behaviour isn’t where it should be either.

If I did the wrong thing in sharing my worried on a parenting forum then clearly I have misunderstood the purpose of MN.

And my apologies; my second paragraph was very abrupt and I didn’t intend this. It just is very hard as I do feel a bit dismissed. I don’t mean people aren’t to tell me not to worry (please do!) but sometimes the way that is done is extremely blunt and reads as an attack on me rather than support of ds and when I’m upset and stressed already it’s hard not to take that personally.

I remember feeling like you at the end of my eldest’s Y1 (okay, academically she was fine). I actually stopped picking her up* because of the inevitable beckoning over at the end of the day to report behaviour issues… again.

Truth is, teacher was very poor, and DD was high maintenance. Use the summer to have a lovely time with your DS, with no pressures. Don’t try for play dates or anything like that - you’ll just be stressed. Same with summer camps (obviously you may need to use them for childcare reasons - but if they’re for socialising reasons, I’d leave them).

DD is now 25, with an excellent job, and a first from a RG (so very MN).

• DH picked her up - I didn’t just leave her there.

Why are you taking it personally, your son isn't a mini you, youe son is a normal 4 year old, from what you have typed he's in the very vast realms of normal for his age. Even his behaviour even when he's "naughty" it's all normal.
Like you your son also gets overwhelmed, stressed, worried and angry. I suspect he's exhausted after his first year at school.

If you are going to take every bit of advice you are given as some kind of attack on you, then yes, it was wrong to post, there is no need to be so confrontational.