DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

These hobbies he does are quite male-oriented so it's probably seen as quite cool and unique when women do them. I'm just worried they'll have more to talk about and stuff even though our relationship is happy. It's probably like thinking you're happy with a million pounds then one day you get 10 million.

It all boils down to how decent and trustworthy he is really.

If you’re not sure that he is then that’s the problem, not a lack of confidence on your part.

So far he has never given me any reason to not trust, I know there is nothing I can do anyway. But I know people are capable of anything and sometimes do the unexpected.

I'd take the Buddhist approach and try and remember that even if they do fall in love and want to be together, it's best for all of us anyway.

I wish I were that calm but sadly not! I was cheated on in my 20s and then he left me for the 'friend' from work, been there done that I can't go through it again. I'm also 36, I'm not getting any younger, it's tough out there.

By the sounds of it she’s gay if she was engaged to a women. Also I’ve v little in common with my DH, I don’t want to be with someone exactly like me - life’s more interesting that way sometimes.

You can learn that kind of thing. Stoicism and the like. I like a bit of Alan Watts. He isnt a Stoic as such but the way he speaks of Eastern philosophy complements the Stoics to a large extent.

Thank you. She quite possibly is a lesbian but I don't want to make any judgment, I know sexuality is fluid and a gay woman can later fall for a man. Im catastrophising now anyway, there is nothing I can do except keep busy and work on myself.

I'd be keeping a close eye on that situation op.

I don't think that they have hobbies and interests in common has anything to do with whether or not they are attracted to each other.
I really don't.

What I would be concerned about is that they're planning on spending time together.
Though you say this will be with other people?
Though that may not mean much. They could be spending time alone, giving one another a lift.

For me this would be an amber light.
Proceed with caution.
Not a red flag.

What does your gut say?

I'd try to see how they interact together.

This would certainly be a 'hmm' moment for me.

I always think that a new female friend is worthy of an amber flag, it may not be red, but it sure as hell ain't green.

If you have a good relationship, and you suggest you have, I would just be honest with him that you are feeling a little insecure and work from there? He can reassure you, take you for drinks with her etc, or cool it a bit depending on where that conversation leads. I wouldn’t sit with this and let it fester, but communicate now.

I lost an old school friend a few months ago who took her own life, I've been viewing life in a bit more of a bleak manner since then and seeing that it really can be cruel.

I'm very careful not to say anything, I feel like with men even if you say something about feeling insecure about other women (in a nice way) then that's it, you get the 'jealous' label, from thereon you are known as being jealous and this affects their behaviour and what they tell you. I've seen it all before and I don't want to cause any arguments or issues.

Equally if a man has previously had a partner he deemed as jealous, he can be defensive if you show any signs because he doesn't want to go through it again.

So it's a male dominated hobby and he finds a compatible hobby friend with the same tastes as him in most things, and it happens to be a woman?

No male hobby friends with similar tastes then..... I'd be watching this like a hawk.

Have you been around them together? Is there chemistry?

sometimes friendship is just friend energy, without the extra fizz.

I would not like this at all. Not in the slightest. Even if hes the faithful partner this is a very red flag thats being waved at you. I think he will go off with her eventually but you dont have to put up with this. Tell him how you feel and what you see and if hes any kind of proper man he will not see her again.

I've only ever seen this woman once or twice as she served me in the shop. From what he tells me she initiated the hobby meet up thing.

If it helps at all

My DD has become besties with a man at work. They hang out a lot , have mutual interests and meet at the pub etc.
He is engaged. My DD is gay.

The friendship has progressed to the point where she hangs out with both the man and his fiancee a lot and is invited to their weddings. There is absolutely nothing untoward going on at all.

As another poster has already said, you can’t change what might happen between them. There’s no point in living in the land of what ifs.

You said you have no reason not to trust him, so lead with that!

Having been cheated on which led to the breakdown of my own marriage I’m much more pragmatic now. My current relationship will continue while we are happy together and if that changes then I know I will still be ok afterwards. You also survived the breakdown of your relationship in your 20s and if need be, will do so again. ❤️

What if our weddings called off? I can't face the humiliation. I have no family round here, I moved nearer to him.

You’re catastrophising ! Don’t let yourself spiral. Stay with what you know to be true as of today.

xxx

We aren't unhappy at all that I know of, we don't really argue, he always says how much he loves me and he seems excited for the wedding. I just know sometimes when people think they've got a 'better' option in front of them it all goes out the window.

I am spiralling right now, but I'm 36 and majority of people around me are married. I'm a good person and I believe I have things going for me, I deserve love and happiness just like everyone else. I left my last ex after nearly 5 years as he didn't want to marry me. I can't do this again.

Fuck the humiliation, you cant be married to someone through embarassment

You are spiralling. You need to talk to him about your worries .