DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

Someone older and wise once said to me:

"If they don't want you, you don't want them"

Push those scared thoughts away, don't let insecurity change you. You are the prize OP ...head up ...live life enjoy yourself...confidence and happiness are attractive 🌅

Maybe get to know this woman. If he likes her, she's probably great. Try not to see other women as competition. I think it makes life less good. I would hate my DH to have to limit his friendships to men and he certainly doesn't mind that lots of my friends are male.

This is good advice. When DH makes a new friend, male or female, I want to meet them - not to suss them out or because I'm jealous but because I like to meet brilliant new people. DH has good taste in people (evidence: he married me) so I assume if he likes someone then they have something going for them.

I think you need to communicate that you are feeling insecure and unsure. You have said upthread that your friend died, is he supporting you through that? Or is it a case that he has moved his attention elsewhere? If it’s gut feeling listen to it. But it may be that previously being cheated on has triggered you with your wedding coming closer.

I know some people will say it's impossible for men and women to be friends but in my experience it's entirely possible. My closest friend is a straight married man. Friends for over a decade, never anything untoward from him in all that time, and I've never felt anything towards him except friendship (it's like having a brother). I'm single by choice, probably asexual or close to being asexual, don't want a relationship but if I had to have one, it would be with a woman. His wife has been fine with our friendship and I'm friends with her too.

Tl;dr: not every woman wants to sleep with your man and I think it does women a disservice to assume that every single woman is just waiting to pounce on any man no matter who he us or what his relationship status is.

If it's your fiance you don't trust, then there are deeper issues there that need looking into.

All the things you mention are not important in a marriage.
Style, music, piercings, tattoos, hobbies, all of that is not important and certainly does not make her a better match for him than you.

Values and beliefs are what is important in a long marriage.

Do you and DH share similar values? Do you know his values?
e.g.
you both believe / don't believe in private healthcare and education
you both believe / don't believe in putting all income into a joint account and not having separate money
you both believe / don't believe in putting your new marriage before the needs or wants of your parents
you both believe / don't believe in children doing lots and lots of schoolwork or homework, and in having chores around the house, and having or not having a fixed weekly pocket money, or not earning money for household chores
you both believe / don't believe that a baby should be with its mother for X months or years and not go into childcare
you both believe / don't believe in being honest with HMRC about taxes and being honest with the benefits (welfare) system
you both believe / don't believe that you have a duty to get along with your partner's family and join in with extended family events
you both believe / don't believe in having privacy from your partner and not having to share everything, but having harmless personal secrets

You need to talk to him about how you feel.
If you are not ready, can you delay the marriage (extend the engagement) without breaking up?

I don't start suddenly spending every minute with them because my partner is my priority and I'm not willing to throw all that away.

He spends every minute with her?

Then yes that is a problem and it would also be a problem if this woman was a straight male.

It’s fine to have friends but you shouldn’t regularly put them before your own partner.

Would you leave your DH if someone came along who you had more in common with?
I don't have many shared interests with my DH but it works as it is. I wouldn't be interested in another man if they had more in common with me.

Shes a pick me cool girl, watch carefully

I think it's best to be open about your anxieties. A good partner will want to know, so that he can reassure you. It's a reasonable thing to raise, but try to accept whatever he says in response and not keep overthinking it. I know that's hard.

How is she a pick me cool girl?

I have lots of hobbies that are typically male dominated.
I don’t do them because lots of men do them, I do them because I enjoy them.

Did you also miss the part that she’s a lesbian?

It is understandable to feel insecure when you notice so many common interests between your partner and someone new. Just try to focus on the connection you have built together over these three years.

Catastrophising is more likely to ruin this relationship than this other woman is.

He may be friends with her but that doesn't mean they work on a deeper level or are attracted to each other. What you have sounds solid. Your past experiences and your friend's death have jaundiced your view of life right now.

Trust him - unless he ever gives you reason not to.

Think of this as the perfect test

if you are ment to get married and its ment to work then he may find her all kinds of fanciable but f he CAN have her but chooses YoU then you know for sure he loves you

he is being totally transparent with you , there is nothing any of us can do if our partners choose you stray they will

can you tell him how you feel

Spot on

To all the advice to tell him how she feels and seek reassurance— I can see why one wouldn’t want to be so vulnerable, particularly if the partner maybe doesn’t have a lot of EQ or empathy or is just a bit clueless. Yup someone has to marry those guys too.

We don’t know him so we absolutely can’t say. You know him. If you know him to be a great guy then you can trust him, if he isn’t you can’t, but if he is and you don’t, then your issues are the issue. My ex’s best friend was a girl, I always knew u could trust him. Talk to him, I’d rather he labels you jealous then you stew about this for a year or longer!!

Much easier to call off a wedding in advance than to go through a divorce. If you moved to be near him you can move away again. If its right it'll work out between you. If it isn't then you can be sad but ultimately glad that he called it off ( which he may do as the date gets closer).

@Peanutbuttttter i think you need to recognise this is out of your control and if things happen, then its just not meant to be. My ex had a similar ex girlfriend who he grew up with, and quote 'was the only person who really hurt him'. I used to feel like she must have been pretty amazing but in the end i thought it was out of my control, and cheaters are going to cheat. Actually i felt much better for it - gave me a sense of self worth that if he wanted different, then he was welcome to her. We didnt split up because of this, but i felt a lot better just letting it be. He also respected me by not spending actual time with her, maybe texts etc but his view was he was crossing a line by actually meeting up with her. You have to trust.

I don’t know, out of respect for you, I don’t feel like they should be hanging out often. That’s my opinion.

Jesus Christ woman get a grip! Your partner makes a new friend and you're worried it means your wedding is called off? shakes head in exasperation

Sorry you’re feeling this way. Contrary to other posters’ advice I would not discuss your worries with him under any circumstances. It would be nice to be able to have a mature conversation about it, but sadly visible insecurity is one of the most off-putting things, and you could end up giving him the ick and making him look at her romantically if he isn’t already.

Id try and become friends with her if I were you.

Why be bothered about a woman friend? It is always possible anyone could cheat with someone of the same sex (even if they've claimed to be heterosexual). It's a good thing for a man to have women friends, as it shows he sees women as people, not just wives/dates etc.

That’s really unfair tbh

Nah I wouldn’t want to marry a guy that exchanges numbers with a random shop assistant and arranges to go on hobbies and spend time with them.

No thank you! I think you know don’t you?

More likely to be a female friend tho where feelings develop over time!