DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

Wow... some of these responses are pretty f-ed up!
My husband has both male and female friends particularly centered around sime of his hobbies that we dont share (but otherwise we have a lot in common) and for me, thats a green flag. I would also consider his female friends as my friends, although he sees them more often and is closer to them than I. Never once have I questioned their relationships.
But, he's also a reasonable guy, and doesnt subscribe to that "lads lads lads" culture - and what with us being in our early 40's we're not out getting wasted in questionable scenarios either... so the dynamic itself doesn't cause any suspicion.

It all depends on your relationship. I appreciate you had past trauma and haven't been together for a very long time , so unless there are logical reasons to distrust him, its something to work on.

My advice would be to invite her with other mutual friends you share to a night out or bbq and get to know her better. You'll pick up a lot on how they interact together (either ends of the scale: either being too close or trying hard to ignore each other). Reality is more often than not way less stressful than the imagined when anxiety comes into play, so at this stage engage without suspicion.

Kindly, @Peanutbuttttter this is rubbish. This is the man you plan to marry. If you can't say to him, 'You know this new friend of yours...? Well, I'm feeling a bit insecure about it - can we talk?' then your relationship is not solidly founded. You need to feel comfortable talking to him about anything if you are marrying him. If he can not discuss it like any other topic (and ditto for you) this is a big red flag. Her sexuality and interests are a bit of a red herring as they are not necessarily correlated with attraction and intent to act on it although I understand why it has caused you anxiety. You won't have peace of mind until you do talk openly with your DP.

Ask her over for dinner. You might find out that you enjoy her company too. Or, not. But at least you’ll have a better sense of who she is and how she and DH interact with one another.

This hasn't been my experience, in my experience if a man loves you he enjoys a little bit of jealousy. I think a tiny bit is healthy.

I'd see it as a major red flag in a man if they label a partner as jealous if she feels insecure especially when you don't have a habit of it.

Likewise I'd see it as a red flag if they try to shut down any concerns by making out you're like the ex, I'd imagine he gave her loads of reasons to feel jealous and insecure and always shut her down, and that he was then trying to train me the same way.

Those kind of men tend to have no issue whatsoever in being jealous themselves or saying when they're insecure but if their partner ever shows a hint of it she's crazy, jealous and controlling.

Next time they do their ‘hobby’ together make sure you go along. Watch closely your gut instinct will tell you all you need to know.

I get it OP. You're happily bobbing along in your relationship when your fiancé suddenly meets a pretty young "rock chick" type who works in a record shop and happens to love eg motorbikes just as much as he does.
These days loads of people are very fluid in their sexuality - just because she was with a woman doesnt mean she only likes women.
I'd be feeling insecure too. Its normal to want to protect what you have.
I wouldn't tread water like a sitting duck though. Sit him down and be vulnerable. Tell him what youre scared of. Let him soothe you.

Agree. No point in a relationship if there isnt trust and loyalty , otherwise whats the point. A ' partner' relationshop is supposed to be a bit different from other relationships. That's the whole point.

At no point have you mentioned anything about your feelings for him OP.

you say he says he loves you and you say you are getting married, and you talk about your age A LOT.

Not once have you said how you feel about him and how that’s different to any other relationship etc. It reads as though you are a bit emotionally detached from him anyway and you are marrying somebody that you are happy to co-habit with because you get along well and think you are getting old.

are you sure this is a healthy and balanced relationship?

I would talk to him. A girl working with my other half sent him the odd message and then invited him to a gig. He hadnt replied to the messages and told me about the gig, I told him the truth that I wasn't sure how I felt about it but I wouldn't stop him going because I do trust him. I asked if the roles were reversed how he would feel about it. We have a great relationship and can talk through insecurities.
He decided not to go but he made the choice not me.
I think if you sre planning to marry this guy you need to be able to share how you feel and discuss it. I the course if life there is a lot to navigate and you need to make sure you are able to communicate.
Its likely they are friends and he will reassure you and you will feel much better, don't feel like your feelings aren't valid and worry about being labelled.

Oh dear, I'm sorry this has/ is happening..... I'm afraid you need to act FAST.
Change your routine; flip it up, get drastic, never be in the place where he expects you to be. This has RED FLAGS all over it. Stop doing all the usual things.

That could also massively backfire...

It's just a piece of paper. Tell him that you're calling off the wedding, as he's found someone else, obviously.. if he doesn't react then you know The TRUTH.

If you get invited you again to all hang out / do an activity and she is going, just go! You might get on really well despite the hobbies and she might give you the hint that she is definitely gay!

Does he really need a new friend? 😂😂 I am older but can’t imagine wanting to make new friends now. Can you do your own hobby with a new man? Or pretend to? I know I’ll get ripped to shreds for this but it might make him realise it doesn’t feel that nice and encourage him to drop the friendship.

What a bizarre post. Do you imagine that making new friends is something that stops once you hit 25 or something?

Gay women don't fall for men.

A lesbian isn't going to drive your boyfriend away. The catty attitude just might, though.

Thanks for your input 😂

I work as a marital therapist. The thing I see that damages relationships the most, is NOT sharing these feelings. Why wouldn't you? It is difficult, yes, but if you are to be married, it's important to have all your cards on the table and to be able to speak freely about uncomfortable stuff (porn use, swxual preferences, etc.) The more we learn about adult attachment, the more we find that such sharing can deeply and meaningfully enhance relationships whereas not sharing can drive a wedge. Little by little. Bit by bit.

If he’s going to have an affair, you can’t stop him. All you can do is hasten it on by being possessive and controlling or by diminishing yourself out of anxiety. And why would you want to make the attempt? What a miserable project.

He loves you. I’m sure there are millions of people who share his hobbies who he doesn’t love.

The main thing that might drive him away is all this anxiety.

It isn't necessarily what you want to hear, but this could happen at any time. Getting married does nothing to prevent that. Why don't more people stay fluid with relationships. You might grow away from him and find someone you are more compatible with. And that's okay. I think humans are taught to lean in to jealousy and possessiveness. We end up clingy and co-dependent. I used to be like that. I hope I'm past it. Stay open minded.

Why on earth do you not intend to talk about it? Everything you say sounds eminently reasonable and it's perfectly OK for you both to have friends outside your joint interests - in fact I would say that's really healthy, but if you are feeling insecure then it's also OK ( not to say necessary) for you to talk about it.

Why is it always men that absolutely MUST make new friends with people of the opposite sex? Any of us that think it’s not necessary are branded as jealous and ridiculous. I have never in my life needed to be friends with anyone enough to cause an issue in a relationship. Just stick to friends of the same sex and the ones you already had if they’re the opposite sex, that’s not really that difficult is it? It’s just common sense to me.

You'd also hope he'd sort of read the room and not continue going on about her all the time. Just as you'd be really conscious not to do so about a male friend. If he's not that tone deaf then he may be trying to make you jealous

Honestly I have no clue with this one. I’m bisexual but I’m still wary of men who want to be friends with me in a way I’m not with women. Or even gay women. I need to confirm it’s a genuine friendship first. However, a lot of men ARE genuinely good friends with women. One of my male friends literal sits down and joins the women at the pub for a gossip.

However, I do think that it’s quite easy to tell if it’s a genuine friendship or not. I have dated women and if a woman I dated was getting too close to another gay woman, I KNEW. You just do. Whereas a woman I was dating could hug, dance, hang out, whatever with another gay woman and if it was a genuine friendship, I never felt insecure.

That being said, you do need to be able to talk to your partner. You can’t generalise men as a whole like that. Of course you can talk to men about these things. As someone who has dated both sexes extensively, I promise you that just assuming men can’t talk about their feelings is harmful to your relationship. If he can’t discuss this with you in a healthy manner, if you can’t discuss your insecurities with someone you are agreeing to be with the rest of your life, then I would look into that. A marriage is hopefully long. There will be a lot of tough conversations ahead.