DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

This worries me, that you're about marry a man you don't feel able to talk to about how you feel. Of course you should talk to him if his actions are making you feel bad.

IME the men quuck to label worried partners as mad jelous women usually are up to no good. It's all gaslighting. A loving partner would want you to feel secure in your relattionship.

I honestly don't know how all these people out there fall in love with other people so easily! God, it takes me years! And that's after doing stuff together, many shared experiences, moving in together, etc.

Op, I get it. I am the same as you. I always assume the worst and worry myself sick over very little. That said, no there is honestly no guarantee. I have been walked out on by the MOST trustworthy and lovely men and have then taken it out on the next poor guy.

Your actual question centres around being more confident. There's no easy way or quick fix. You could get some counselling if you believe it might help. End of the day if someone wants to walk, he will. It doesn't matter how nice he is. That has nothing to do with it.

You need to talk to him.

I'm a similar age to you, left the man I was with for 10 years when I was 30. I've been with my partner coming up 3 years now and I know for sure if I went to him with this problem we'd talk through it and he would reassure me. His ex was jealous (apparently) and thought he'd run off with her sister but I still know I could go to him with any worries I have and he wouldn't turn it on me.

For me it's concerning that you can't go to him and talk to him because he might just label you as jealous. That's much more of an issue.

If it's any help, I don't think that having things in common is the most important thing in a relationship. DH and I have very little in common (we both like reading, though have very different taste in books and that's probably about it!l) but we've been together very happily for more than 35 years. What we do have in common is a shared set of values - eg we both value kindness and honesty. Only yesterday DH was saying that one of the things that he loves is that we have very different interests and different perspectives on all sorts of things which makes our conversations interesting and means that we can provide a healthy challenge because we look at things differently. If your fiancé loves you enough to marry you, shares similar values in relation to fidelity etc then no amount of shares interest in stamp collecting will change that .

OP, I find ChatGPT great when I need to vent/ offload. I feel so much calmer having the chance to share my concerns before they become bigger inside my own head. Just say that you want a low level chat, no validation needed, (if that’s the case). Give it a try- you might find that it helps 🙂 x

I am sorry to hear you've been hurt before and I understand why you feel the way you do but this is about risk isnt it? we cannot reassure you that there is zero risk he will cheat because none of us can guarantee that.

Heck, even he cant. I cant ever see myself cheating in my marriage either but I cannot say with 100% certainty it will never, ever happen because I dont know what will happen in the future.

What I do know is- avoiding everything in life with an element of risk is a risk in itself. It means that you could get to age 80, look back, and think damn, I really, really regret missing out on the chance at love due to my own fear. So, you have to balance the risk of being hurt in a relationship with the risk of future regret.

Now, thats not to say you should ignore red flags or warning signs in relationships but ultimately, the only alternative is to remain single forever.

There are some people who are ok as friends, but nothing more. Not quite the same thing, but I've met up with my BIL a few times (DH knows) and gone off with one of his friends for coffee/a walk when we've been away together. He knows I get on really well with both, and really like them - but, there's no way I'd be interested in a relationship with them.

I think it'll help if you get to know her better. Are any of the hobbies, something you can watch them do? If so, go and watch occasionally (grab a nice drink while you're at it). Or could you meet the group afterwards for a drink. Alternatively, invite her to tea/meal after they've done whatever.

Alan might be able to help you.

Millions of Buddhists love without attachment quite happily.

OP, I'm going to gently say that this probably isn't about your fiance making a female friend, and much more about your unresolved heartbreak from the relationship in your twenties. I feel like you might be pressing the self destruct button here, because you are so scared that he will leave you. Better to push him away with your insecurity, than expose yourself again to the same pain.

He allowed to have a female friend that he shares a hobby/interests in, and still be very much in love with you and be looking forward to the wedding and spending the rest of his life with you.

A life partner is about so much more than shared hobbies. It's whether you make each laugh, whether you challenge each other, do you have a shared outlook on the world, do you want kids, do you want to bring them up the same way, what your relationship with your friends and family are like, how you make them feel when they're around you. So much more.

I'm not saying to be a dolt and ignore every red flag coming your way, but believe me when I say there are no red flags here yet. So nothing for you to worry about.

Would it be worth doing a couple of sessions with a counsellor on BetterHelp or something to see if you can work through your unresolved past grief?

Is that love or (co)-dependency?

Op you need to discuss this with your partner. You are understandably spiralling here and you need reassurance from your partner which you’re not going to get unless you explain to him how you are feeling.

This is not on in my book. This so-called 'friendships' are worse than secret cheating - at least secret cheaters know what they are doing is wrong, immoral, hence the secrecy, i.e. their moral compass is theoretically intact, even if in practice they betray and choose not to use a perfectly functioning moral compass they possess.

The worst sort of type is a person who sees nothing wrong with this idiotic notion of men and women able to be 'friends, ahem ahem' when they have their own partners. I am a long-time lurker on MN and have seen what these 'friendships' lead to. I don't know the year, but one year there was a post on here, about 'a friendship between my dp and his much much older female friend, with whom they 'cold-water swim' in a group'.

His behaviour, along with his 'interest' in tattoos and piercings are not a red flag, they are a parade in the PRC.

Run away before you get married to this non-entity. There can be no 'friendship' between men and women, there is always this tension, a premonition of sex.

I am a proponent of a direct approach, i.e. everything should be said (not inferred, but said outloud) before you embark on a relationship - i.e. if you agree to your partner having friends of the opposite sex, etc. etc., where you prefer to spend your holidays, what you will never tolerate, etc. etc.

I have a male best friend.

I would say we are each other types and we have loads in common.
It can be awkward because we have the exact same sense of humour and so there ends up being a lot of ‘inside jokes’ and we have to be careful about being insensitive.

But there is no chance of us ever being together.

There is also a man who is literally my soul mate. If I could list my perfect man it would be him.
But he’s got a wife and so there’s no way I’d go for him.

Just because they’re so compatible doesn’t mean there’s going to be anything sexual between them.
They could end up being just best friends with no threat to your relationship.

This is currently all in your head.
Definitely do not say anything to him.

Hi OP, I understand your concerns and many of us would share them. But most of this is going on inside your head, imagining scenarios that haven't happened and most likely will not. Like you said, you're spiralling.

None of us can tell you categorically that your fears won't happen, but your partner hasn't given you any grounds not to trust him.

I think talk to him, tell him your anxieties, which are perfectly normal anxieties to have - no reason to be embarrassed about - and listen to what he says in response. If he reassures you, which he probably will, then try to accept that he means it.

I have several friends that I have "everything in common with", much more so than DH - some of them are men. It's not really surprising as I met them through specific interests, ie I was actually specifically looking for friends I had those interests in common with. There's actually one specific guy whose taste in books and music overlaps with mine to a scary extent (like, we had the exact same childhood taste as well as adult taste). And he's reasonably attractive.

But I don't want to be in a relationship with him, I want to be with DH. One of my favourite things about being with DH is that the things we don't have in common complement each other and make us a stronger team. I don't especially want to be with someone exactly like me 24/7. When I meet up with this guy we can talk for hours and hours... and 99% of it is about our shared interests, none of it even verges on flirting or romantic.

I think if someone's going to leave you then they could do so at any time, for any reason, and honestly that is a risk you take going into any relationship. You can't spend your time pre-empting reasons they might leave you - that way lies madness. Put it this way - I've had no intention of leaving DH for my friend. But if DH tried to object or "nip it in the bud" - that would be a reason to leave him.

I used to get bery very anxious and insecure op. I had therapy and got the understanding that it's never about the other person.

Of course you don't want to just be chilled about losing someone you love but ultimately anxiety gets you nowhere. It doesn't change who your partner is or whether he loves you.

I can promise you one thing as an older and maybe slightly wiser lady. Ive been married a long time now and if you aren't able to be open with him thst this is making you uncomfortable then you have to look at improving your communication

There is a nuanced difference between being controlling and being open about a friendship making you nervous snd the lesson is yours to learn on how to walk that line

I have to say I totally disagree. I've had four male friends since college - one of whom I dated for a little bit when we were both single but I think it was more because we were both single at the same time rather then us being irresistible to each other.

We have buckets of shared history, have gone on holidays together (with other female friends too) and have met each other for pints without partners. I'm friends with their wives too. I wouldn't even consider stopping being friends with them because I had met my husband.

I also have a male friend at work and we go to comedy gigs together. He's bi, younger than me, but not my type. Even if he was I wouldn't consider it. He's getting married next year and his fiancee is adorable.

OP is catastrophising but she also may be tuned into something. My DH early in our marriage got friendly with a (younger) woman who seemed to me like his soulmate on some strange level. She shared some nerdy pastimes with him and she looked like his mother. They seemed to really hit it off and I felt super threatened when they arranged to do a physical activity together that I also did but not as often. Then there were going to be some study sessions about one of the nerdy things. For the first and only time in our 20+ year relationship I said that is not cool and drew the line. (Only regret now is I might have been better off if I'd let it happen.)
Btw I totally disagree with the poster on the let them go if you love them thing. Sure love can be beautiful and unconditional but that is rightfully reserved for children and those we can love truly without strings. It's only correct that with a life partner there will be some conditions. Like be there for me and I'll be there for you. Stick with me when it's unpleasant, not just roses and sunshine. Once the contract is broken and the other person can do whatever they want and the other person forgives and releases them - that's not love but naivete or stupidity. Partnership is a contract. Love doesn't override that.

Yeah it's alright, thanks.

OP, I don't think people who are in love do see a better option regardless of who life throws in your way. He doesn't sound like he is thinking any of that from what you have said. I trust my DH completely. I would be very happy with him hanging out with new friends of either gender. I don't worry that his gay friends will make him reconsider his sexuality either.

Maybe get to know this woman. If he likes her, she's probably great. Try not to see other women as competition. I think it makes life less good. I would hate my DH to have to limit his friendships to men and he certainly doesn't mind that lots of my friends are male.

Either you trust him or you don't. Someone who wants to cheat will. They won't necessarily await their soul mate either.

Your DP does not sound that way inclined. Be welcoming to this woman. If nothing else, she might swiftly reassure you that men aren't her bag. Try to imagine the world is a wonderful place until proved wrong. There's no real way to protect yourself from things that might go wrong so you may as well enjoy your life and relationship now. The only obvious threat to your relationship I can glean from your post is the way you are feeling and I think you would be sensible to seek some support with that.

You should be able to feel safe enough in your relationship to say how you truly feel. Don't marry this man if you cannot have a genuine sincere conversation about how you're feeling. That, to me, is the red flag.

Personally I would start a new hobby that I will quickly adore - yes that one!

Definitely good advice,when you go to worst case scenario in 0 to a 100 it's hard to get off that rollercoaster.disecting every minute detail and exploring every angle and once that's solved your brain gives you another to be getting on with
Op I hope all works out for you.

Is he spending a huge amount of time with her?
How does that compare to how much time he spends with you?