DP has a new female friend he has everything in common with

[Peanutbuttttter]

And I have no intention of saying anything, that's never been an issue in our 3 year relationship, but I feel insecure. It's a woman he's met recently, who I think is a couple of years younger than me (I'm 36)

Me and him do have things in common but he has 2 hobbies I'm not very interested in, equally I have a couple of hobbies he doesn't fancy doing. However we still show an interest and ask about them etc. Just not things we'd do ourselves.
A record store/café type place opened recently and this woman works there. They hit it off and have agreed to do one of their hobbies together (with a few other people) he did invite me and he has never done anything untoward.
Just what makes me feel insecure is that they literally have every single thing in common, those hobbies he does, she does them too, both very into piercings and tattoos, i am but not to the extent they are. Both share the same music taste whereas mine and his has some similarities but differs a little.
We're getting married in a year so surely he wouldn't throw all that away? I found her social media (i know) and she was engaged to a woman previously, so may be gay, but she may be bisexual, it's no guarantee, I don't even know if she's single.
I just worry he might realise he has far more in common with her and she's also his type physically, plus seemingly younger than 36.

Again I've no intention of saying anything and there's nothing I can do, just got to deal with it. I've just heard stories where people were happy or so they thought, then just met that person who made them think otherwise and left for them (someone did this to me in my 20s). Advice on feeling more confident?

The problem with this mentally is it's very black and white. You can be decent and trustworthy and fall in love with someone else.

I know some lovely people who when I'm a relationship have met someone else. They've been decent and trustworthy by not cheating. Instead they've respectfully broken off their engagements/relationship.

You can leave a relationship for any reason. Falling in love with someone else can be that reason. It's not 'if you don't stay with me forever then you're not decent or trustworthy'.

Anyways back to the OP.

I feel for you, I really do. I remember once dating someone who was massively into the gym and fitness. I wasn't at all. I can imagine I would feel exactly the same way if he'd made friends with a younger woman who was into fitness, a gym bunny and also his type. He was very trustworthy too, but I'd have definitely felt the same.

Ultimately there's nothing you can do. If you wanted to be proactive in some way to self soothe and feel more in control you could arrange to spend more time with him. A weekend away or something to strengthen your bond.

Chances are, it's not even crossed his mind. There's no problem in letting him know you feel insecure though and would appreciate reassurance. You sound self aware and reflective. You'll be fine either way.

I sound cynical but I've been through it all before and seen it happen. I don't know what to do really, I'd 'survive' but I'd be mentally broken for a while. I don't have kids yet and I'm getting older, it'd be very hard to start over at that age.

My advice is: until you have actual evidence something isnt right here you need to stop believing your thoughts are facts because I think you are ruminating and catastrophising and then you'll end up pushing him away and will actually get the distance you predicted all along. Its a self fulfilling prophecy.

They have loads in common- so bloody what? do you fancy and want to rip the clothes off every single male who does the hobby you like? does having the exact same hobbies guarantee that a couple will never argue, never be attracted to anyone else, never get pissed off with each other, will shared hobbies always guarantee true love forever? think about how silly that sounds. It's a fucking hobby. Thats all.

Hobbies dont make someone sexually attractive - their character does.

I'd like to hope by agreeing to marry someone you commit to that and don't decide to bin them the minute something new and shiny catches your eye? But I know people are capable of all sorts.

I know what you mean, but it's also style, music, just a general taste. Combined with being physically his type and younger than me. I am ruminating but I just can't do this again, I really can't.

Ok, then I recommend you end it with him.

By entering into a relationship we all take a risk on being hurt. If you want a relationship with zero risks at all then you'd better remain single because that doesnt exist

I believe that love has nothing to do with relationships because if you love somebody you want what's best for them and that may not be being with you.
It made me realise that I did not love any of my exes.
Like f* did I want them to be happy. This realisation was freeing.

But we're talking about a relationship which is by definition transactional in nature. You give me this, I give you that.

OP is worried that a man who has offered his part in the deal may break the deal and she's panicking a bit.

I was the woman in this case in my twenties. Best friends because we were interested in the same things musically, loved dancing, etc. Very important stuff at that age ! His girlfriend was very very unhappy about it even though she had no interest in going to gigs etc with us . I did feel for her and tried my best to show her that I was no threat to their relationship. But I felt it was wrong to continue to put anyone through that fear so took a massive step back . He was truly my friend and friends want the best for each other . Reader he married her , nearly 30 years together . She still is wary of me though !

I feel for you OP, but realistically... What can you do about it anyway? Ban him from seeing her in thr hopes that it'll prevent them falling in love, and become the controlling partner that he leaves anyway? Giving him "reason" to want someone else, because you're controlling?

Let it happen. Whatever "it" is. He might leave you for her. He might leave you for someone he has his eye on right now that you know nothing about. He might be cheating on you, marry you, and carry on cheating on you, then eventually leave the moment you become pregnant or something equally awful.

Or, he may not do any of that.

You can't do anything about it. You have to let people do what they're going to do. The only thing you can control is your own reaction.

I know "stop worrying" is easier said than done... But if you can manage it, life will be much better. You can't stop the bad things happening, if it's going to happen.

That's very true, but it seems to have happened to me more than others. I'm engaged for the first time at 36, most of my friends have been married years or are getting married after years together.

They leave you and just get on happily and blissfully with their lives together whilst you're left to pick up the pieces, and you're supposed to be 'dignified' about it all.

This @Peanutbuttttter it sounds as though with your recent bereavement, impending wedding etc you are feeling very low. Speak to your GP too, as some (bereavement) counselling and possiby medication may help in the short term - but it is also imperative to speak to your partner.

Start from the position that you are feeling low and struggling, then say that you are not sure if this is contributing to you feeling insecure in your relationship - but that is how you are feeling. Then say that his friendship with this woman, while you are in this space, is niggling at you even though you trust him etc.

You HAVE to be able to talk to your partner. If you can’t do that now, you really shouldn’t be marrying him yet.

That is such an interesting take! Very true. A bit like when parents have a child they know they wouldn't be able to look after properly despite wishing they could, so give them up despite extreme heart ache out of love for the child. Wanting What's best for them, not best for themselves. Sacrificing the 'relationship' out of genuine love.
Very interesting 🤔.

Sorry to derail the thread.

It's quite possible absolutely nothing will happen. But I'll try to calm down. I've joined a gym and trying to get down as often as I can to get fitter/do something for myself/clear my head/boost my confidence.

Are you sure you are with this man because you really want to be? You keep talking about your age and how tough it is out there.

if you are that suspicious then isn’t it better to bow out now than go through a split or divorce?

It sounds like a legitimate friendship to me, does he have other female friends? He hasn't given you any reason not to trust him and you do seem to be catastrophising.

My advice would be to get to know her. Show an interest in his hobby and go along. You might find that she becomes a friend to both of you.

I do, but I also feel that if i do get dumped or whatever then it'll be even harder than if I were younger, and it feels very bleak.

He does have 3 but they're all very old friends who are now married to his male friends.

Do you have friends you can talk to. Family? You're catastrophising

You're both going to meet new people over time, both male and female, and even be friends with them. It doesn't mean anyone is going to cheat

One of my best mates is a woman. Bonded over a love of the same band and pub quizzes. There's never been acting between us but gigs, pubs etc.

YANBU

I'm all for friends of the opposite sex, have plenty of male friends, DH plenty of female friends. It's normal to build friendships over time with people, perhaps you work together, go to the same hobby group etc. normally it grows slowly and you involve partners.

This feels different to me, a bit of a meet cute they've experienced. Really hitting it off, immediate chemistry. Of course that can happen platonically but I don't see your DH randomly becoming besties with the old hairy guy that works at the record store, or the man that serves his takeout coffee every week... it's always a young attractive woman funnily enough.

The speed of this is what sets my spidey senses tingling... maybe just me but yeah. I wouldn't be impressed.

What you should do now? Nothing. Sit back and observe. Pretend you're unbothered, but watch closely how he handles this. Does he start seeing her more and more often? Messaging a lot? Finding other things to go do related to the hobby (like gig weekends, festivals). Does he expend that same level of enthusiasm and energy on you, dating you, etc.?

How he handles this moving forward would influence my decision to continue with the wedding honestly. Does he behave like a married man. Or is he enjoying having you at home, all secure and cosy, while also getting to go on exciting outings and hobbies bonding with this random new person. It'll be very telling imo.

It's just that every single thing in common and very similar style just makes me worry. I'm going to step away from the thread now and try and calm down but appreciate all the support.

OP, talk to him. What you feel is completely understandable given what you have been through. Hell it’s understandable even if you hadn’t! Maybe this is a great opportunity to test your relationship before committing to marriage

He might be devastated to know this friendship has made you feel this way and immediately pull back from it as your relationship is more important to him. He might not, but at least then you know who you are marrying.

Your husband should be on your team. You should be able to talk about how you feel and what impacts you. If you can’t do that then, gently, this may not be the right person for you

I know thats scary, but it’s better than being married to someone you can’t talk to and you don’t trust. That is a soul destroying existence

OP I haven't read the full thread so forgive me if the conversation has moved on or if this has already been posted, but why oh why are you devaluing yourself so much?

You are a strong, capable, young woman with a partner about to get married.

This other rando woman is irrelevant.

Why are you giving your power away?

Focus on you, focus on your relationship and enjoy your DP.

The root of all this is low self esteem. It's not about the woman in the record store.

Drink a bottle of wine this evening, have a good shag with your DP and ignore the voices telling you you don't deserve to be happy

I get that, but it is just not possible to stop someone falling in love with someone else. The world is full of people we could have had a happy, fulfilling relationship had we not got together with our partner/spouse. I've met two or three of mine in the decades I've been with DH. In one case it was definitely mutual. We just didn't act on it. We were both happily married. It was just a road not taken. If we'd been single when we met, we definitely would have started a relationship.

If he has no past form for cheating, but you have a history of being cheated on, I suspect the issue lies with you. You might want to get some professional help to deal with your insecurities - you don't want to sabotage your relationship with insecurities and jealousies (whether you tell him about it or not, it will eat away at you).