Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

If it’s to make herself feel better then no. If it’s because she genuinely feels sorry and regrets what she has done then I would suggest writing a letter and put it in an envelope with a note from the outside saying who it’s from and leave it up to her.

On balance, if they are no longer together, I would leave it.

She's probably moved on and, if not, there is no perfecting of that relationship possible anyway.

Let it go.

If she genuinely thought he was single, it would be nice. If she knew he wasn't then absolutely not, I'd assume she was desperate for attention. His, mine or both.

I was going to say:

Hi XXX. Sorry if this is unwelcome. I’ve wanted for a long time to apologise for what I did years ago, and the hurt and harm I caused you back then. I am truly sorry and I’ll always regret what I did. There is no excuse for my part in it, and I’m not asking for forgiveness, a reply, or anything. I hope the days ahead are gentler for you and your children.

However, 90% of the pollees say it's a bad idea. I certainly will not be contacting her now. I am very glad I asked here first, as I would probably have sent it otherwise.

You kept chatting with this guy off and on for years and now you want to pester the wife.
Absolutely not
Leave her alone and block the cheater

Nope.

I am interested in whether you, Hotlipshoolahan, would be happy to knowingly shag a married man. Because you seem to think OW haven’t done anything wrong. Of course the MM has deceived his wife, broken wedding vows, destroyed his family. But the OW should have humanity and decency - that absolutely includes not shagging a married person.

The devastation of affairs is horrific. People talk about it as though it’s nothing. A relative of mine drank herself to death because her husband kept cheating.

Anyway. Op shouldn’t apologise. It would be a selfish action IMO.

I think that you shouldn’t really take a MM poll as gospel. How many of those polled actually have been through infidelity? And it’s also so personal. She might appreciate an apology. I think you should leave it to her

I'dime acknowledgment that she wascomplicit in causing me and my children including a unborn pain and trauma ,but ultimately she did me a massive favour. She didn't win the prize she thought she did . She's irrelevant to me now .I've certainly got not desire to assauge any guilt she may have .

No I wouldn't want an apology- weeks, months or years later. I'd actually wonder why on earth the OW felt she could talk to me or contact me. Like, who does she think she is 😂.
Giving me a very wide berth and not even looking in my direction would be the only thing I'd find acceptable.

You want to apologise because you feel shitty now and want to assuage your guilt. You didn't give a damn at the time otherwise you wouldn't have had a relationship with a married man.

My ex has got together with the affair partner, but if she even dared to contact me to apologise for destroying my family, she'd get a bloody earful.

Stay out of it. It will not benefit her to hear your pathetic apologies now.

It's 10 years ago.

Move on.
Do not dredge up this memory for her.

You are not thinking about her, just yourself.

I agree with this.

There is a particularly puerile line of thought which goes "he is the one who took the vows so it isn't me."

There is normally more than one person at fault. Two to tango and all that.

I think I understand - you perhaps want a little redemption - to show that you have intelligence, empathy, insight - and that you understand that you should not have caused hurt.

But part of the reckoning from the choices you made is that you can't have the privilege of communicating with her, to share this.

You will have to save it for a therapist, and failing that, process it yourself.

There are so many conversations I would love to have with people who I wronged once. But those relationships are in the past and sometimes you really cannot go back.

So glad you didn't send that, you can't wish gentler days in someone when you helped their past days be chaotic and tumultuous! Just.leave her be as 90% others have said, she isn't part of your healing journey and you aren't part of hers.

Yes, I agree with your update.

Speaking from personal experience when your husband leaves you, you fall apart, go through pain, you live through a nightmare and then with the support of family you slowly pick yourself up. You learn to live one day at a time.
Very gradually you learn to forget the past and learn to move forward.
10 years later, I've stopped thinking about him.

I have 4 children and anyone who is a single parent, knows how hard it is to bring up children on your own. I was pregnant with the youngest and the others were all under 8.

The last thing I want is an apology or him or the OW he's with to ever come infront of me or even to think their apology is worth anything.
It can never ever make what they did ok.
Does the apology make all the years of suffering go away, no it doesn't.

Unfortunately, in my case, both of them are not sorry. They are too fucked up to be sorry about anything.

Stay. The. Fuck. Away.

Don’t blame autism for your behaviour and ‘not knowing what to do about apologising’.

That woman will carry what you and her husband did with her for life. He got you and her pregnant. WTAF.

I’d hit you with my car if it was me. He would already be under the patio.

I found out three days ago that my exh has been kicked out by the OW and moved away. As they were at it two years before I even found out (we divorced 8 years ago) I obviously had and still have patio related fantasies. I hope he's miserable.

Usually when they become a wife or LT partner (usually with children) and finally realise what it must have been like for the scummy man’s cheated on wife. They also see how vulnerable they now are to another woman shagging their OH, am I right?

I hope his next poo is a hedgehog.

Amen to that!

I would tell her to fuck off and drop dead. Actually I would say quite a lot more than that.

Why stop there? A scarlet A and a pillory? A naked walk of shame with rotten vegetables being thrown?

In every other reality this is the case, but for some bizarre reason not on Mumsnet! 🤷‍♀️
Men are apparently helpless and not in control of where they put their dicks!

😂😂
I remember once reading a post on here on a similar thread with someone suggesting pretty much that.

If marrying or committing to someone and building a life and family with them doesn't create more responsibility than a total stranger, it's hard to see what the point of it is.

It really doesn't matter what other women are willing to do. There are plenty of women who sell sex for a living and they'll sleep with anyone who will pay. Sex and other women (and men) are always available one way or another. It's the married person who holds the keys and decides whether or not they'll stray. As long as they decide not to, all is well.

It's also funny how the OW is so often cast as the puppet master because in my experience, it's far more likely to be the MM pulling the strings. There was a poster upthread who admitted she slept with him again just to get back at the OW. Guy must have been laughing all the way to the sexual health clinic.