Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

I'm glad you sense checked OP and understand the reason why this is hard for you to know what's best. But it really does sound like that between you, you and her husband caused some serious pain. All because you were naive and bored. Would you welcome an apology in her shoes. Left with a broken marriage and broken home and having the former mistress reach out...

Your husband owes you, the other woman doesn’t.

😯 What would you do?

I totally agree with not touching another women's man, but may I just point out that women are horrible to other women all the time. Some are village-y. Others...not so much.

Don’t you dare open old wounds.

The husband was a dick, you were a dick, and the only innocent in this was the wife you two fucked around on. Why should she suffer for you to ease your conscience?

apologising is self serving. You don’t deserve any closure or forgiveness, and the wife doesn’t need to hear from you…the person who was partially to blame for her marriage ending.

ridiculous, and just remember what goes around comes around.

So, is she wanting to say sorry just so she can feel less guilt now?

Edited to add: Clearly I didn't read all the posts before replying.

Also, to answer myself, having read what you were planning to write, also yes. You were only going to apologise in an attempt to make yourself feel better.

What sort of woman knowingly cheats and goes off with a man who has a pregnant partner. Worse still, then starts harassing her to have an abortion?

He got his revenge too.

No it isn't, and I always have. But OW's problem is the scum she's married to, not the scum she isn't. Too many women want to blame some evil seductress for "taking" their man, rather than facing up to the fact they married a crap man.

What sort of a man cheats on his pregnant partner and goes of with the OW? The OW didn’t go off anywhere he was the one that left. Yeh she’s a terrible person for it and I’d definitely be angry at her also but I’d be more concerned with his actions in it all.

I would guess judging by the responses on here, a high percentage of the posters have been in the shoes of the person OP was debating on contacting or not.

I think it's also true of forgiveness in general. There are people that have wronged me that I've forgiven in my heart but that doesn't mean I'd want to actually meet them and talk about it. That wouldn't make me feel any better, if anything I've only been able to forgive them by having that distance.

Yes.

My DH was 100% responsible but OW regularly liked his family photos on Facebook and knew all about us. So I do also hate her too. It took me months to get up and dressed without crying.

If she appeared again in my life in any form, I actually wouldn’t feel responsible for my actions.

I know if it was me receiving the apology, I would be very upset to have an old wound opened up again. It takes years and years to get over betrayal. If ever. I think it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie because, while you might feel some sort of catharsis, you don’t know how it will make her feel. And she is by far the most important person in the situation. There’s always a small chance it would make her feel better, but you definitely shouldn’t take that risk. It’s good though, that you feel so much remorse. We all make mistakes.

Why didn’t your DH block her on Facebook so she couldn’t access his photos or know what’s going on in your lives?

This was during the affair. I came off Facebook altogether because of it and nailed down my Instagram.

He can do what he likes, if you want to broadcast publicly that the OW and you are still connected thats on him.

One thing that stands out is you continued to maintain contact with this man. Yes as women and also as someone who may have experienced social rejection from others, sometimes you might feel scared to block people. However, you reaching out now would tell her 1) the cheating scumbag kept in touch with you and you didn't block him or tell him to leave you alone, meaning you continued the betrayal 2) the nasty ex could not wait to alert anyone he cheated with of his single status, because clearly he can't be faithful or single. This would make her feel even worse because it makes her feel like the last 10 years of thinking even if he'd cheated, he loved her really, was a lie.. he is just someone who needs to have someone to go back to and doesn't really care who, as long as he can keep doing what pleases him.

Are you still with DH?

I agree with you. I'd never blocked anyone before, but I did actually block him when things ended. But he then contacted me on a different platform. Ostensibly, he was trying to apologise for how he'd treated me. I did believe he had changed and was trying to be a better man, and I wanted to be amicable, and I cared about him. It did take me a long time to get over him but until recently I believed he'd turned over a new leaf, was being a present and reliable husband, and was committed to his wife. Which I thought was good, providing it was what she wanted, which she did seem to.

Then he recently let me know they were getting divorced. And based on a few things I'm pretty sure he cheated again. I felt disgusted when I realised that. How could he have done that again? Obviously he could never have felt too bad about his affair with me, although he expressed so much guilt and remorse. Maybe he was just lying? I don't understand how somebody could lie so well and so completely.

After he told me, and I looked up his (ex) wife, I saw she'd actually posted about it publicly months ago. Just saying her marriage had ended. She's very active on socials. So I guess she doesn't mind people knowing, and wouldn't assume it had been him who'd told me. Even so, I completely understand and agree with your point, and I will not be contacting her ever.

In the message of hers that you were replying to, she writes "I certainly will not be contacting her." (Just wondering if you missed it, since you replied to that by saying 'Don't you dare open old wounds.")

OP, I would apologise. I think I would be glad of an apology, if it were me. Mumsnet can be a funny place. But I'd keep it very short and simple, and I wouldn't wish her and her children gentler times ahead - that sounds really patronising. Just say that you've felt really bad for years about what you did and you just wanted to say how sorry you were. She'll probably ignore you, but I can't imagine how or why a straightforward apology wouldn't be OK.

Dear X,

I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry for what I did. I've felt bad for years, and probably always will. There was no excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry.

OP

Thank you, that apology is a lot better. I still won't send it as the majority of people have said they wouldn't welcome an apology. Maybe she's in the 10% who would, but I don't want to take the risk and potentially reopen any old wounds.

As I said, they both got their karma in different ways.

In my 28 years, I’ve never entertained a man in a relationship. Quite frankly, I look at woman who do as scum.

Judging from your other responses, you sound like you’ve been an OW at some point.

I hate too the way you casually threw in the word ‘autism’, as if that is some some of free pass for poor behaviour/life choices. It isn’t. I just don’t buy that someone was happy to start the affair with a married man, but who then years later decides that it was wrong. If you know it’s wrong now, you knew it was wrong then. Classic narcissism. Shame on you.

No, I didn't mean the autism is an excuse for what I did or meant I didn't know it was wrong. Of course I don't think that. I meant the autism made it hard for me to know if she'd want an apology or not. I phrased it badly.

I have been reading your updates.
You have accepted there's no point in sending an apology, which is good.
I just wanted to clarify.
How long were you having the affair for?
If you didn't acknowledge at the time, what you are doing is wrong then why do you want to apologise now?
It's far too late, I think the ex-wife most likely wants to move on now. Make a fresh start, the last thing she wants is to hear from you. She needs to move forward, not be reminded about your part in her life. 😒

From my personal point of view, I wouldn't want to hear from you. The further away in the distance you stayed, the better.

I think, at the time if this married man had left his wife for you, you would have been happy with that but he didn't leave her.
You weren't that important to him but he actually is a selfish, lying cheat, he's obviously cheated again and got caught.