Should OW apologise to the wife?

[owch]

If you are a woman whose husband has cheated on her, would you ever want / welcome an apology from the OW? Assuming the OW didn't end up with your husband.

YABU - Don't contact her. Don't open old wounds. It's self-serving.

YANBU - Say sorry. She deserves an apology and for you to acknowledge the harm you caused.

No

Originally you didn’t say they both got their karma you told us about her and you getting your revenge on her.

I also would never ever go near a married man and you are very wrong to assume I’ve ever been the other woman. You are basing that on the fact I think the men are to blame. Yes the women who do this are scum but your partner or husband is the ultimate scum and he’s the one with the responsibility and the one who should be saying no!

Maybe that true. But that doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t appreciate an apology. It’s a deeply personal experience and the reality is we don’t know what she would appreciate or not and that’s why in my opinion it should be left up to her.

I was with him about 18 months. A long time, because I fell for him (which I did not expect). I don't mean that makes it somehow less morally bankrupt that I stayed with him.

Quite early, he started saying he was going to leave his wife, after initially saying he never would. At that point, yes, I would have been very happy if he had properly separated from her to be with me. I did know what I was doing was wrong, and I felt guilty, but I wanted to be with him more than I felt any of that. I didn't apologise to her then because I was still actively trying to be with him, and apology would have been bizarre.

As time passed, my understanding of and horror at what I did, my remorse, my disgust at myself all grew, and my desire to be with him faded. I'm now glad I'm not with him, and I've changed in a lot of ways, if you can believe that. I have good things in my life, which I do not deserve. It never seemed appropriate to apologise to her while they were still together. Now that it's over, I did wonder if she might want an apology. I have my answer, thanks to this thread, and the answer is no.

I think that if I ever received something like this, it would fill me with rage to the point I’d end up in a cell. How could you even imagine that would be an appropriate thing to send?

The best apology you could ever give her is to keep as far out of her way as is humanly possible.

What are you wanting from apologising? Forgiveness? Feeling less guilty? You have no idea the harm you have caused to this woman.

It’s completely self serving.

I only wanted to apologise if she would want an apology. According to the poll results, odds are she wouldn't, and so I won't.

But why would she? What’s it going to achieve other than to make you feel better. You’re partially responsible for ruining her life.

You’ve no idea the trauma it would drag up for her. It’s a completely selfish act.

Dear X,
I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry for what I did. I've felt bad for years, and probably always will. There was no excuse for it, and I'm truly sorry.
OP

Oh boo hoo the OW feels bad. I would tell you to jump off a bridge.

@owch I also would like to say OP that yes what you did was horrible and caused so much pain and changed these people at a fundamental level but you don’t seem to make apologies for your behaviour. And whilst I think what you’ve done is appalling I also think that if you truly regret it and have worked on yourself and know you wouldn’t ever do the same you deserve to forgive yourself.

Most of the people on here who have been in the wife’s position though have said they would not appreciate or welcome an apology so I would follow the advice from those in that situation. The Op only wants to say sorry to make herself feel better.

I believe you need to apologise yourself for falling for the cliche lies of a scumbag, it can happen to the best of us so I'll avoid the slut shaming and witch burning which is so prevalent on MN every time a woman confesses she messed up with a married man.

You need to get rid of that guilt and shame that is eating you up. You did not betrayed anyone, HE DID, he is the one who should be apologising to you and to his wife, he conned two women, you did not conned anyone so please please get over this bad situationship you got yourself into and move on with your life. She does NOT want to hear from you, she wants to stay with her cheating scumbag husband and you should be glad to have dodged a bullet.

Lots fo single men out there, some are nice, go date them. :-)

Respectfully you don’t that. You don’t know that the OP only wants to apologise to make herself feel better. And most people on MM does not equate to all people that have been through infidelity and that is why I suggested she leaves it up to the wife.

The OP doesn't go into details regarding her relationship with 'the wife', she could be friends with her or absolute strangers I have no idea If they were friends before this mess. If that's the case then yes, I would certainly apologize to my 'friend' (now probably ex friend) for messing up so bad and hurting her by having an affair with her husband. If they're total strangers I don't understand the need to apologize, it's a little bit like shopping at Tesco for two years then walking into Sainsbury to apologize, seriously... they don't care and you're probably not the only customer shopping at Tesco.

I never met her or spoke to her. I'm sure I wasn't his only affair, but I was the one who blew it all up.

I disagree with your Tesco/sainsbury’s analogy. At all. To me that analogy makes no sense. Shopping there isn’t personal. And as you said they don’t care. Infidelity is deeply personal and knowing that the OW regrets the pain she helped cause can be helpful to the wife. My point is we don’t know the wife so we can’t possibly know what is helpful for her healing or not. Hence me saying leaving it up to her.

I guess everywoman is different but if the OW showed up at my door after i pardoned my douche of a husband I would think she's a) a bunny boiler or b) a sh-it stirrer, or c) both but that's just me.

And that’s your take on the situation. Which is completely valid. I for example would have loved an apology. An acknowledgment that what was done was done was wrong. That’s why I say it’s deeply personal and should be left up to the wife. I wouldn’t advise to go up to the wive’s door as you are suggesting - that’s again no giving the wife a choice which in my view is terrible as you already have a feeling of not having a choice.

I'll add to what I said yesterday:

-- the recipient of an apology can't always work out your motives. They may be pure to you, but are unlikely to be perceived that way. They can't see the inside of your mind. It's very likely they will conclude you are just trying to make yourself feel better.

-- think of it like risk management. There is a risk of re-opening the wound, which might be a small risk but a small risk of huge pain. It's likely the recipient won't care much either way beyond feeling distracted and irritated when they're trying to move on. And a small chance of a mild positive reaction.

Looking at that set of possible outcomes - don't do it. Minimise the downside risk.

Horses for courses I guess but if " Lucy from Manchester" emailed me to let me know "how sorry she is to shag my husband" well hun... I don't know you from Adam so I really don't care how you feel in all honestly, now sod off.

Again… completely valid. I was just offering a different perspective. I also didn’t suggest an email. And from what I read from the OP it doesn’t seem that it’s about how she feels, it came across as she understood the damage inflicted and she regrets it. My point of view from how I would feel. Which I understand goes against the grain on MN.

It seems like a heartfelt and genuine apology to me...what am I missing?

Nope. I, as a woman, am totally responsible for my own vagina. I am responsible for who I allow to put their dick anywhere near me. And, if he has a wife attached to said dick? It’s not going anywhere near me.

I definitely would not want her forgiveness or even a reply from her.

That tells me it’s self serving, Op wanted to say sorry to get it off her chest to make herself feel better. She has said she wouldn’t want her forgiveness or even a reply…. So why bother other than to make herself feel better?

I meant I wasn't seeking forgiveness or a reply. I just thought she may want an apology, but I wouldn't expect her to forgive me. Obviously if she did that would be great for me but it is not my goal and it seems vanishingly unlikely.

Anyway, a moot point, as I will not contact her.

Or… what she means by the sentence you highlighted is that there is no expectation on her part that the wife would forgive her or to put any burden on the wife - which is how I took it. As I said in my other posts it’s such a deeply personal and devastating experience to go through and what the wife wants or doesn’t is impossible to know for sure. Hence me saying to leave it up to the wife.