Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

@kkloo

You can argue with me all you like; it’s not helpful for the OP.

Yes, I did point out the OP’s thinking seemed quite black and white, which might not be helpful in navigating a situation where her husband is unwell and they have a child that’s he’s a good father too, and that the OP wants to support.

The OP has taken on lots of different opinions and viewpoints in a balanced and open way across the thread - I think she’s been really impressive. My opinion of her changed, and that’s why I have conversations. Is that why you engage with people, or do you just want to get your point across?

If you’ve read my posts, you’ll see that I’ve just advocated for nuance throughout. It’s not helpful at all to just start yelling ABUSER about someone who doesn’t make coffee. I’m not minimising - I’ve said it’s clear it’s important to the OP and I think that is reasonable - but there’s lots of space between ‘abuse’ and minimising / saying it’s not a problem at all.

I wasn't arguing with you, just pointing out your hypocritical points when you are criticizing what other people are saying.

In relation to saying her partner was not a good man, I think sometimes that that is helpful and that is what is needed for people to make the jump, it's clear that she is aware that he has good points also, and often after a separation people can go back to a more balanced way of thinking and lose the 'not a good person' label they've put on their partner, but sometimes they do need to remind themselves of it in order to do what they've set out to do. There's nothing inherently wrong with that and it certainly doesn't sound like she had any intention of treating like he was an awful person as she had also said that she had intended on helping him after his surgery even if he left. You just seemed to make a lot of assumptions based off a very common thing that people will say about a partner when they want to leave them.

The OP has indeed taken on the opinions and viewpoints in a balanced and open way, which would be in line with her OP where she was already balanced and open.

You've said your opinion of her changed, but that's because you had the wrong opinion of her, and seemed to treat her like she wasn't capable of making her own judgement until she convinced you otherwise, but then you're criticizing others for 'not trusting women to make their own judgement'.

Yes you advocated for nuance, assuming that there was none despite the OP clearly in her very first post acknowledging the nuance and describing his good points. I think it would be highly unusual that a person who is actually IN the relationship and actually dealing with the circumstances themselves isn't aware of the nuance of their own lived experience.

Well said@kkloo.🙄

But you didn't in this case.

Her OP was already insightful and reflective, but wasn't good enough for you, you made assumptions, questioned it and twisted it and only later did you change your mind about her, and in between she had to tell you to stop minimising her experiences.

I agree the OP is the expert in her own experience…. That’s why I challenged the people trying to convince her that her husband is abusive (when she’s been super clear that’s not her experience).

I think you make a really fair point - maybe ‘not a good man’ is just something people say when they’re ready to leave, and maybe it’s a necessary part of the process and serves a purpose.

I was imagining being ill and probably frightened (he had a brain aneurism), and living with someone who has decided you’re not a good person; who you can probably tell doesn’t like you any more. It must be pretty lonely (and I know the OP is having a tough time; I’m just saying they BOTH are).

The OP absolutely does not have to stay - I’ve said throughout that anyone is entitled to leave anyone, for any reason, at any time. People were saying the OP deserves better because she deserves to be with someone who remembers the small acts of kindness (and I agree), and I was just thinking that probably her husband also deserves to be with someone who likes him - it’s just the end of the road; there doesn’t have to be a villain. But I probably shouldn’t have said ‘maybe he deserves better’ so bluntly - you’re right.

I will stay away from the abuse/ no abuse debate. It’s a very big word for me.
I just wanted to say that for me to come across as open and balanced is possibly the biggest and hugely unexpected progress, thank you for pointing it out.
This thread has definitely given me a lot to think about - we all see things differently and our perception is shaped by our past experiences. There is no perfect or pain-free solution to my dilemma and all I can do is try to minimise the damage and above all protect DS.

I think for a lot of people they can sometimes separate the behaviour from the person so for me I can consider behaviour to be abusive without it always meaning I am labelling the person as an abuser, so from that perspective I would just urge someone to be cautious when ending a relationship with someone who you know to be say manipulative for example, as that behaviour may well ramp up.

I think also some of the comments emphasising that the behaviour was abusive were in response to seeing some people saying the OP was self absorbed or should stay. I think it can be very easy for people to make random strangers feel guilty about trying to end a relationship to the point where they stay, this thread will be forgotten for them by tomorrow but it would be the OP who has to live with the consequences so I can see why some posters really wanted to make sure she wasn't doubting herself.

I definitely agree though that there doesn't have to be a villain and hopefully the separation does end up being civil.