Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

This.

Having ADHD does often make you question yourself all the time. I got a diagnosis of OCD in my 30s. Now that I'm in my 60s it's been suggested that - like other family members - I'm actually on the spectrum and have ADHD.

I recognise what OP is doing, the constant doubting of self. It often leads to putting others first to the extent of being taken advantage of.

If she puts off, she'll never leave. There will always be some reason to stay.

Brutally, his needing care should not be the OP's problem.

I've been a carer for both my parents and my husband. It can be brutal, even when the cared for person is someone you love deeply.

The OP is dealing with someone who sounds utterly self-centred. "Just" another few months will be enough to have a significant emotional and physical impact on the OP. The chances are that she'll be run ragged and conned/guilted into moving and handling in order to supposedly make things easier for him.

In the last few months, I had to help my DH physically more and more. (In my experience, the authorities will look at a wife/partner and decide that minimal or no care support is required.)

I recall feeling my shoulder being damaged as I was helping DH in and out of bed, chairs, off the toilet... It's taken me years to regain 97% of that shoulder after physio, injections an operation and more physio - and I'm one of the lucky ones, according to my consultant.

My DH did the best that he could. A selfish bloke with a hip problem, is going to expect the OP to do everything, simply because she's there.

The OP needs to get out now.

He'll be even more upset if the OP drives herself into the ground.

@WearyAuldWumman you’re right about the constant doubt. Yes, I always put others first and it’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve realised that it doesn’t bring appreciation, only further expectation. I particularly miss small, simple gestures showing that someone cares. My son will always, without a failure, make coffee for me if he’s downstairs before me in the morning. DP hasn’t managed that in years. I never had a long lie in the morning when DS was little. It’s just a lot of small things that have become too much, bit by bit.

I'll reiterate that you need to put yourself first, @Motherofgiants - the old adage of not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.

It's up to your partner to sort out his own care needs. If you're still there, he'll tell the hospital etc that no one is needed to help out.

I loved my my late husband very much and I knew that he had my back. Nevertheless, I recall a particularly difficult time after his stroke, when he needed to go into hospital - he had a UTI which had (it was explained to me) made the original symptoms of his stroke - an inability to control his movements or sit up - reassert themselves. It also caused confusion.

DH refused to go into hospital. The out-of-hours GP said that she couldn't call an ambulance since he still had capacity (in spite of the confusion) - I still can't figure that.

I recall trying not to cry and telling DH that I couldn't manage to look after him. Without going into it all, he couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't lift him... You can imagine.

His response was "You're doing fine."

I told him that I was not doing fine, but he wouldn't budge.

In the end, after a second GP came to the house I managed to get some strong antibiotics down DH and he improved, but I recall the shame I felt when the second GP first arrived and saw the state of things. I kept trying to explain that I couldn't move my husband - he was too heavy.

Don't set yourself on fire for someone who treats you as less than, OP.

Sorry, what’s the evidence that he’s ‘an abuser’? Forgive me if I missed the OP disclosing abuse, but being selfish about dinner time once, not making coffee, and not getting married (which the OP also does not care about - she’s happy with her financial situation) is not abuse.

She can just leave because she’s outgrown him or they’re not right for each other, and because she’s an adult who is entitled to do whatever she chooses to do with her life. There doesn’t have to be a big narrative that he’s an abuser for her to justify leaving. It would be kinder to her child to keep it as civil as possible.

I wonder how he’d describe the ‘argument’ before he had a brain aneurysm.

To clarify: I never once mentioned abuse, nor have I complained about not being married.
I fully intend to keep things civil for DS’s sake.
But @Tinycatclub please do not minimise the examples I gave. I don’t know what your life is like but mine is mainly built of small, everyday moments. DP loves a grand gesture, an expensive gift or a big holiday. He also thinks that these things matter more than everyday kindness. For me, they do not.
The “argument” (why the passive aggressive “” ?) was horrible indeed. He immediately accused me of not appreciating everything he does for us and that he’s always trying his best but I’m just never happy. And so on. Hope this helps.

I know you didn’t say he was abusive. That’s why I asked the other poster who said it where that came from. I was trying to protect the truth of your story, as you’ve told it. I’m not against you here - you’ve asked for opinions.

I’m not trying to minimise it - I’m just thinking of the hurt your son will experience if he’s told his dad is abusive or ‘a bad man’.

My life? I’m in a partnership where neither of us are perfect - sometimes we do things that are selfish, sometimes we eat dinner at different times or get swept up in our own business and forget to make the other a cup of tea. But we’re generous to each other because that’s what love and partnership is.

But it doesn’t matter about my life. You asked if you’d be a bad person to leave. I’ve said no you wouldn’t - you’re perfectly entitled to leave any relationship any time you like.

And I apologise if ‘argument’ felt passive aggressive.

It’s fairly clear you don’t like your partner - you’ve decided he’s ‘not a good man’ - and I’d imagine discussions with someone who has decided that about you, and can’t see the grey areas or any of the good anymore, are very stressful to have.

He’s probably pretty frightened for the future - managing ill health alone. He’s probably worried about the impact it’s having on his son - after all, you acknowledge he’s a good father.

And that doesn’t mean you have to stay or sacrifice yourself, and I agree with other posters it doesn’t have to be your responsibility. However - I think it’s unusual not to feel some kind empathy for someone you’ve spent 17 years with who has become very unwell. Your boundaries are important, but so is living in community.

Your son must be very worried about his father too - again, you don’t have to stay and care for him, but if your son witnesses you being careless or showing unkindness when his dad is so unwell, I think it’s something he’s very likely to remember about you and - rightly or wrongly- it will shape your future relationship.

@Tinycatclub thank you, I appreciate everything you’ve said. It’s not very straightforward, is it? That’s why I’m torn.

Agree… it’s not straightforward at all… lots to consider!

And just to be clear - in the same way I’ve said he’s probably not all good or bad, you’re definitely not the ‘worst person ever’ either, whatever choice you make (and I appreciate every choice feels a bit compromised!). Your care for your son is clear, and you’re obviously a thoughtful person trying to the right thing in a messy situation.

I'm shocked to hear you say this - a quick google says nearly one in four stroke survivors will go on to have another stroke.

You believe;
that you caused this stroke - not true
that there is no risk of a further stroke as there is no underlying pathology - not true
that your DP will need 24/7 care because the consultant said he needed 'a lot of support' - nope

This man seems to have you well under his thumb. I would absolutely expect him to remain in the house for as long as he can and do anything to thwarth its sale. It's ducks organising time here. You need to leave.

@JudgingJudy I’ve been to every appointment with him and know what was said both by the surgeon and the consultant regarding the aneurysm, the extent of the bleed and future risks. I have also been to the orthopaedic appointments with him, and whilst I’ve already said that 24/7 is perhaps not the correct term to use, again, I know what was being said because I was there. I appreciate your point
of view though, I’ve asked for opinions after all.

@Motherofgiants i was concerned you were blaming yourself for his stroke.
I'm wishing you strength to get the best outcome for you. 💪

Given that they said stress could have been a contributing factor… well… my announcement and the argument couldn’t have helped. But again, it’s not a straightforward cause and effect either.
Thank you for your lovely words.

The amount of people on here twisting this story into the OP's husband being abusive is just wild. She has said herself he is not abusive. Their relationship has run it's course. Fair enough. OP, you clearly really want to leave, so leave. Who cares what random people on the internet think? It doesn't make you a bad person. I would probably stay, but that doesn't make me a good person either. It sounds like you know what you need to do and you have done the best you can. Best of luck.

So what if OP doesn't meet her 'solemate' in her 40s. She just needs to live apart from her selfish and manipulative husband. Her son is in his teens and OP has said that he will want to live with her but to see his dad regularly.

You say that a lot of OP's criticisms of her DH could apply to lots of men but that doesn't mean that OP shouldn't leave. It means that other women should also think about leaving rather than putting up with that sort of behaviour.

Respectfully OP, manipulation IS a form of emotional abuse, should not to be dismissed by anyone that it is not.

To feel manipulated is a most unpleasant experience

But you are not being respectful to the OP. She’s an adult and she’s told you she does not believe her husband is abusive.

Can you point to any evidence of emotional abuse? I’m trying to be careful not to minimise his behavior because it’s clear that small acts of thoughtfulness and kindness are important to the OP (and that’s very reasonable and understandable), but not making coffee, eating dinner at a different time to when the OP wants to eat (he was hungry when he got in / she wanted to eat early - they could have both just eaten at their chosen time), and being one side of an argument they were both involved in, is not evidence of emotional abuse. I’m not even saying he isn’t emotionally abusive - maybe he is! - but I think there’s very limited evidence on this thread to be trying to persuade a stranger she is being abused.

I think you’re actually being a bit manipulative. It’s a bit creepy - why don’t you trust women to make their own judgements?

I’ve read through and I’d leave asap. You’ve said you’ll help in his recovery along with his family - that’s generous enough. Go whilst he’s ok and you are able to leave.

The OP has written that he is manipulative and manipulative behaviour is emotionally abusive.

Just because a poster does not agree with it, or believe it to be abuse, does not make it less true.

Posters often do not realise what abuse is or that behaviour they deem normal is just conditioning.

Educate yourself.

I’m going to continue to listen to and believe women about their own experiences as my way of learning, thanks! I think the OP seems very insightful and reflective, and fully understands her situation.

You're a saint, I'd have left him the first time.

I would stay and help. Children definitely notice things like this, even if they don't show it for decades.

But yet it was ok for you to say that she should leave because HE deserves better, not the OP, and to caution her against telling her son her dad was not a good man (even though there was no suggestion she was going to do that unless i missed that) and also to question how he would describe the 'argument' before he had the brain aneurysm. It seemed very clear what you were suggesting there given your use of quotation marks.

And to end your comment saying that poster is being manipulative and a bit creepy and that they don't trust women to make their own judgements, when you fixated on the OPs comment that her partner is not a good man and then told her it was emotionally immature to think people are good or bad and that she can't see the good anymore, even though she listed his good points in her OP. You don't seem like you trust the OP to make her own judgement either. And the OP had to ask you to please not minimise the examples that she gave