Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

Leave ASAP. Don’t wait for the operation, if it’s through the NHS it could be postponed, it happens fairly frequently and then you would be stuck waiting even longer!

If you think he deliberately didn't eat his lunch in order to scupper your timings for tea - why did you let him do exactly that? You should have just ordered yours and your son's and if he is hungry later he can sort himself out. Then if he was being manipulative he hasn't "won" anything- just missed out on a takeaway.

@Winter2020 because I don’t want my son to see his dad sulking like a spoilt brat that he has to eat reheated Chinese. And I just don’t care enough now about minor things like that. I see right through him and let him see that it doesn’t get to me any more.
Also, my son was delighted to eat later, he didn’t go hungry because of this.

Would he do the same for you?

Recovery is long but Google says he should be mobile on crutches very early on. IF this is correct and the operation is certain to go ahead I would stay until he is home for the reasons given by someone above about your son and his feelings about it.

However "certain to go ahead" and NHS don't fit in the same sentence, and you need a back up plan in case there are complications.

Regardless, you have every right to leave, please don't get trapped by "just until he's over this" with a new "this" popping up every time you are about to be free.

For your DS's sake I think you should stay. A lot of your criticisms of your DH could apply to a lot of men. Wait until DS is an adult at least. Realistically you are unlikely to meet your soulmate in your 40s. If you leave your DS will be appallingly upset, and without a sibling for mutual support he will suffer. Put him and his needs first.

The full recovery from an osteotomy is long but the intense care that he'd need isn't - it would really only be the first few days, maybe up to a week that he would need someone. He can buy things like a shower chair and a grabby tool to overcome most of the challenges as he'll be encouraged to be up and moving about on crutches after the surgery. A wheely trolley/table is handy for taking food and drink to and from the kitchen/living room too.

I had a similar op last year and a family emergency meant I was alone from Day 2. I managed because I had to. So will he. Don't let this be an issue. There will always be another reason not to leave.

I would leave now, and offer to help during the worst of his recovery time.

I would leave now probably because anything else is a waste of time and you are chomping at the bit. He irritates you, it isn't going anywhere and you want out.

BUT I would definitely help, and tell him now that I will help, and I would help when the time comes, while being boundaried about it. This will mean both sides get to progress.

I think you're going to have a hard time co parenting with this guy mind you....

Also, on that little example from last night. You're absolutely far too used to letting his way guide you in what you do. We (women) all do this and it's totally to our detriment and so easily done. You need to fight fire with fire - you must be selfish for yourself as he won't put you first.

Next time, don't give a damn what he's doing or when he's eating. Order your own and stick to the plan. It's not worth the resentment and it's the only way he'll learn or that you'll be ok. Fuck him. Try this out and see how it feels! Honestly, it's v empowering and will help you disengage and leave him.

oh the "great dad" trope. OP.just leave.

Honestly with that example he will make your caring duties absolutely he’ll. he will be disruptive, demanding and punishing - the aneurysm was much more serious and shocking so he was caught off guard. He will use this opportunity to beat you 24/7.

Also your own submissive behaviours as described with the takeaway incident means you will tolerate all sorts of mental and physical abuse from him.

Move out. DO NOT OFFER to support him post surgery - he might well have a GF by then.

Don’t be pressured by the NHS or the FOG (fear obligation guilt) you are immersed in. If you go now you will be a better person by then for your DS - you can visit and drop off a bunch of grapes.

Move on - you’ve done enough - he will really take the opportunity to hurt/punish you.

He's quite happy to be really petty over a minor thing like dinner, do you really believe he won't find endless ways to try to make you stay Op? If you're leaving then get on and go, you stayed once for his ill health, doesn't mean you should do it again. If he was a better partner it would be different but he's not so you don't owe him anymore of your life

I think I'd stay for the recovery period but make clear with him that the relationship is over and you're only staying to make sure he's got a safe and supported recovery. Not because you love him but because you don't want him to have any more fodder to bash you with or badmouth you about after you live apart. Use those few months to get everything in order, any admin or logistics or finances or plans.

I don't think it would make you the worst person in the world if you were to leave now but I'd delay it for the reasons above.

What a misguided post. The son will be seeing the dysfunctional relationship and it will be affecting him. Much healthier to see how breakdowns in relationships can be handled. He will likely be quietly relieved.

@Motherofgiants if places were reversed and he had wanted to leave you, do you think:
1- he’d have stayed during your whole recovery for the brain surgery? The whole 8 months of it?
2- he would have decided to stay fur even longer to support you with a hip surgery?

He's an arsehole. He's not just selfish, he's deliberately making you suffer. The op is a few months away, I'd focus on getting out now. Discuss the separation again. Say you'll see what happens with the op. It may be that you end up at his for a couple of days at first post-op but at least you'll have had a few months of peace, calm and rebuilding your life by then. It may resolve itself, does he have family who could help him? Maybe carers could be arranged? I'd just not focus on that right now. Your son sounds old enough to understand if you went back for a few days to help out post-op that it would not be a reconciliation. I wouldn't see it as stay for months longer or leave P high and dry with no help situation. There's a middle way - get out now and the post op period will work itself out even if that involves you for parts of it.

Yes that sounds deliberate. My DH is autistic and adhd. He’d either forget about the takeaway entirely or rigidly stick to the rules.

To the pp who said that I sound very self absorbed - yes, I am. In a way that I believe we all should be. I paused, reflected and decided I want my life to change and I will get there because my feelings and needs are important too. It took me 40 years of my life to understand it:

@Motherofgiants I wish women, me included, had that sort of attitude.

Hear, hear to your final point. If more women stopped and approached situations/relationships etc from the point of view of ‘Does this work for me?’ the world would be a better, healthier place.

Do not stay a second longer than it takes you to find an appropriate new rental.

Do not offer any help with his recovery after his operation. It's NOT your job to facilitate HIS life, regardless of the reason why he may need help/support. (Do you really think, for even one second, that if roles were reversed you'd ever have HIM offering you support?? Seriously??)

Your son is old enough to understand why it would not be appropriate for you to continue to support your Ex once you have left and the relationship is officially over. He is also old enough to offer support of his own, should he want to.

There will always be another 'reason' for you to 'delay' leaving. It is what your partner will rely on to keep you there from obligation/guilt. Do not give him the opportunity.

You already know he deliberately fucks with you for fun (takeaway way perfect example of him 'flexing' and watching you suffer deliberately. He KNOWS you will suffer in silence rather than confront him), so why the hell would you put HIS needs first, yet again, rather than do what you actually WANT to do i.e leave him???

OP I would have left ages ago but as you haven't, yesterday will be fine. You need to look after YOU and your s. Don't become a carer for this man who has treated you so badly.

OP, with selfish arseholes you are always going to be blamed and they will play victim and change the narrative to suit them.

THAT is who they are.

You have already wasted 8 months and money after making a really brave decision.

Make the move now.

When you are physically there after his hip op, it will be much harder and could go on a year.
It went up and down for 2 years for my SIL, no op is guaranteed.

Suck up the pain now and do it.

I guarantee that prick would not be doing this for you.

Of course it is scary, big moves are.
But you have wasted enough years on an arsehole.

Get organising now.

You don't need his permission or approval or anyone else's for that matter to leave him. Your relationship is done for you, and that's OK.

Set yourself free. And I would go now before you're trapped into looking after him for 12 to 18 months after this surgery. If you resent him now... that's only going to grow.

Yes Op, the surgery isn't a reason to stay. Loads of single people with no family support (like me) have surgery and manage. I don't know why you've been told he'll need 24/7 care as that's unusual - did he tell you that or have you had direct from his doctors? He won't be discharged if he's not on his feet and moving and if he needs carers for a while that will be arranged prior to discharge. Do google it as there is lots of information online about hip surgery recovery.

A friend in his 70's recently had a hip replacement and he was home in 2 days and on his feet, with a walker at first, then crutches. He had some things to help with dressing (those grabber sticks etc) and could get to the loo and kitchen and just had some temporary help for a few days from a carer for showering. Luckily he lives in a bungalow so no stairs to worry about. He got a cleaner for while for heavier things like hoovering and taking out the rubbish and putting a load of washing on. He had lots of ready meals, could order stuff on-line and with friends popping in for cups of tea and company was fine. We went out for dinner 2 weeks after surgery! The only thing he said was the pain relief they sent him home with wasn't enough and he had to get something stronger.
#Hnestly, you can be kind but don't put off leaving for this.

Also the surgery might be delayed if its NHS, not uncommon and you can't keep putting your life on hold for him.

LEAVE.

You have both consciously made the decision NOT to commit to loving each other in sickness and health. You’ve both chosen a relationship where you can walk away from each other quite easily at any point should you so wish, so make the most of that.

I’m willing to bet that this selfish man wouldn’t care for you if you were sick. Start living your best life now, you don’t know how many days/weeks/months/years you have left to do so.