Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

I moved in with my ex to help him out during the terminal phase, even though this man was nothing short of a monster. In my head I owed it to my DD to not abandon her father in his final days.

It was stupidity. I was beyond exhausted, he was still a dick and oddly enough, so was his family.

Go enjoy your life. What do you think he’d be doing if the roles were reversed?

Leave.

Sometimes Lou Reed is useful.
"You're going to reap just what you sow"

Please please ignore the posters that tell you to stay - they are not in your position and don't understand! I would leave and then offer some support after the operation - what would he do if he wasn't married? He would have to pay someone to support him so he can do that. Behaviour has consequences and the consequence of his is that you are leaving! Help your DS understand why you are leaving and leave! I am in a similar position to you - my OH is heading for a stroke if he doesn't change and I will not be the one to wheel him round or care for him because of his choices! But I know I will be judged if it does happen!

I would leave ASAP. I believe you have the measure of him (people with ADHD can be very intuitive in judging people) and you don't owe him your happiness.

Again, I suspect it is your ADHD that has you second guessing your actions. You probably like to be seen to 'do the right thing' and might be used to sorting everyone else out and putting your own needs last.

I absolutely doubt your partner would do the same for you and that is all you need to focus on. If you don't live with him when he has the operation, the hospital will have to sort something out. In my area there is a rehabilitation hospital. Those who don't need intensive hospital care but have no-one at home to care for them tend to go there.

@Gerwurtztraminer 24/7 care - the consultant we spoke to mentioned a lot of support would be needed, precisely for the reasons you mentioned, that we might want to set up his bedroom in the living room to avoid the stairs etc. So perhaps it was wrong of me to call it 24/7, apologies.

@Generationdoll I am honestly not scared. I know what I want to do and I know I can do it. I was ready for it months ago.

To everyone asking if he has family, yes he has loads of family locally and they all rallied when post brain surgery so I would expect them to show up this time too. As a side note, I spent years repairing his broken relationships with his siblings and parents because I wanted DS to have this side of the family in his life. So even this is MY achievement.

Oh and selfish arseholes like him will not be in any rush to heal if they have you, skivvy carer running around after them.

He will likely drag it out.

Go flat hunting TODAY.

Physio here. Absolutely 💯 leave. Abusers weaponise care. Leave now.

Non weight bearing does not necessarily a lot of support. He should be independent in the bathroom and can get meals delivered. Single people have these types of operations all the time. Young adults often have fractures that are NWB for a while. They manage. Assuming he has recovered from the stroke.

BTW is he at risk of further strokes - smoker, sedentary, obese?

The only optics that would concern me is my 17yo. But I'm sure you're on top of that.

A friend of mine 30yrs ago, her ExDH had a massive stroke and was an invalid. She always said that she was relieved she had left before as she thought she never could after. She would tell you to leave ASAP.

Wow OP you are a saint for staying this long but for your sake, and the sake of your son, PLEASE get out now. You owe this man nothing and have already given so much
Its ok to put yourself first

He will weaponize his care just as he does everything else. You would be mad to stay.

This is an excellent and well informed answer.

Move out and allow his family to support. Behaviour has consequences.

An acquaintance of mine was in a very similar situation - all set to leave an abusive husband and then he had a stroke. NB He had an adult child who refused to help in any way.

She stayed 7 miserable years before finally organising an assisted living place for him and making a life for herself.

You have done more than enough. Do not be guilted into staying any longer. He is not your responsibility. You know he wouldn't do it for you.

@JudgingJudy he’s not at risk apparently. Looks like it was me and the argument that caused the earlier issues because he’s ok from the point of view of all the other factors.

I think I need to leave now but I do need to find out what happens with the house if I’m out. I will need the money from the sale to let me buy somewhere else.

I was hoping to have it done during the summer holidays, so I need to move at pace now.

Leave, don't help him after his surgery you don't know him anything, leaving now will allow him time to figure a new plan. Don't help a man who can't be nice to you - it's not worth your sanity

@Motherofgiants because if his stroke and the hip operation he is going to have, it is possible that a judge wouldn’t see a 50/50 split fair for him but would want him to have 60 or 70% due to his health issues.

It will obviously depend a lot of how well he has recovered from the stroke abd well he is recovering from the hip operation but maybe bear that in mind.

OP, you have tried: you have made peace between him and his family, you have lost money in a deposit because of his aneurism when you were set to leave, and now it’s time for you to go. There will always be some reason why you need to delay - if you want and need to separate, then get things moving simyou can get out. Sorry, but a man who chooses not to marry you can’t have the expectation that you will stick around and nursemaid him if he needs it. It’s nit as though you weren’t going to leave anyway. If he has plenty of family, they can take care of him - you have a DS to look after. My suggestion is that you see a solicitor - but if you’re not married, if the house is in joint names you’ll get half the equity each, and otherwise you both keep what’s yours.

I think you should leave because HE deserves better than you; he deserves better than someone who has decided he is ‘not a good man’. Who made you the arbiter of that?

Most of us are a mix of good and bad; he’s a good, loving father… he’s less good at communicating, and he’s not selfless or good at always admitting when he’s wrong (honestly very few people are). It’s a bit emotionally immature to think people are either BAD or GOOD. But of course - you can choose not to spend your life with someone for any reason at all.

I’m not saying this to be mean - I’m saying it because I think you need to think very carefully about how you communicate to your son about the break up. Do not tell your son, who loves his dad and has always been treated well by him, that his dad is Not a Good Man, actually.

Can you not put the burden on him to come up with a plan. ‘We’ve discussed there’s no future in this marriage. What are you plans for your next surgery and recovery?’ Make him admit he needs help and ask for it either from his family or from you. If he does ask for your help then start negotiating what you need ie acknowledgement of how much you do. No sarcasm. A better role model for kids in x,y and z. Etc etc. of course only do this if you are comfortable staying

Yes. You can leave. Right now (if you haven’t already). You are not any man’s human support appliance. If anything you will be surprised by how well he can get on without you, once you are not around.

why you stay, he will continue to take from you.

I think you need legal advice on leaving the house. You can’t guarantee that he will just want to move out as well and sell up.

You aren’t married, right? So you’ve never promised him anything, you aren’t breaking any vows. To me it’s fine to leave. (In this situation I’d say the same if you were married tbh as well. I just think you need to fret even less since there’s never been any pretence of being together forever.)
Will you be happier on your own though? That is the key question to answer. The grass is not always greener.

Not being married is not a factor for me. We have a child and a mortgage together and I thought it would be forever, the level of commitment for me is and should be the same.

To the poster who says he deserves better than me: maybe he does, maybe there is someone who will set clear boundaries from the start and turn him into a loving and respectful man immediately.

I’ll get legal advice on the house situation. The mortgage is in both our names and we put a legal agreement in place as to how we split any money from the sale because I put a lot of my own savings down for the deposit.

Being ill doesn't stop people being cunts. A cunt is still a cunt.

Leave and live your life.

Definitely get the legal advice and quickly.

If it were me, depending on the outcome of the legal advice, I’d be looking to split as soon as possible so that you’ve got the summer to settle into somewhere new.

OP, please do not hide his abuse of you.
THAT is why you are leaving.

He is a nasty abusive arsehole and you need to be crystal clear on that point.

Tell the legal advisor this.

As the physio poster wisely said, abusers weaponise recovery.

Be clear in your language.
Do not couch it in polite terms.

You are fleeing abuse.
We are here for you.