Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

Definitely think through the likely outcome for your son. Will he come with you, if he knows his dad is/will be vulnerable? Will he end up going back to help him?

If you know how that will play out, then by all means go now. If there’s any doubt, I think I’d stay to get him over peak vulnerability so to speak.

I’ll try to answer all the questions together.
DS is our child - DP is his father. DS will undoubtedly want to support because he loves his dad but he will want to move in with me. For stability, we wouldn’t be moving far, he has to stay at the same school and near of his friends. The flat that we were going to rent (and I lost my deposit on) was a 5 minut drive away.
Financials - all worked out. I work FT, have savings and the house has plenty of equity in it. I was planning on renting until we sell the house, I don’t want to stay in it and I don’t imagine DP will. If will take a lot longer now, of course, with the surgery but that’s ok. I can still manage.
ADHD - I’m the one with ADHD. What I meant is that it took me ages to see things with clarity and make a decision. Before the diagnosis and medication, I always thought that it was all me me me and that everything was my responsibility. Now I see things clearly.
To the pp who said that I sound very self absorbed - yes, I am. In a way that I believe we all should be. I paused, reflected and decided I want my life to change and I will get there because my feelings and needs are important too. It took me 40 years of my life to understand it:

As she should be. Who else is gonna want the best for her but OP herself.

You don’t owe him anything - if anything, it sounds like he owes you.

Leave now and put boundaries in place quickly.

It’s not a requirement to be in a relationship to have surgery - single people can and do cope. Support if you want to and have capacity, but at a distance.

@AMurderofMurderingCrows exactly!!!! Yes, I am self absorbed.

He sounds like he would have left you during the aneurysm if the roles had been reversed.

Oh Jesus Christ. Marriage isn't a legal contract to stay together forever through better or worse, etc. That's the sort of belief that's kept women in abusive marriages for centuries.

The only legal contract element is financial.

You are seeing resolving his post-op care as your responsibility which is understandable as it is how most of us women tend to view things - but it’s his responsibility. That may include him asking you for some support and you can then decide if you’re willing or able to do so, but the “mental load” and logistics should sit with him.

Assuming this is an NHS op don’t rely on the timings - my Mum ended up waiting twice as long as we were originally advised for a back op; so if you say “I’ll just stay x months” it could end up being considerably more. (Unless it’s private and then more accurate - worth noting if he has private cover with work, he may have access to care as well - but again for him to explore).

Appreciate the wanting to move out and move on, but be careful about vacating a property you co-own and want sold to liquidate funds. You may be better off putting the house on the market while you are there to control the sale.

You should do what is best for you and your son and try and push the guilt aside - it is ultimately his behaviour that has led to this decision. Easier said than done I know. Some therapy may help you with the guilt.

You don’t owe him shit believe me. I thought this for 10 years thinking this is not the time to do it. I’ll just wait until his mother’s better. I’ll just wait until he’s happier at work. I’ll just wait until XYZ.
Do you think he waited until the worst fucking possible moment ever in our lives to say oh and by the way, I’ve been having an affair?
No, he did not. He landed me in more shit than I could’ve imagined possible.
And that was a decision. It could’ve been done easier but no, he waited for it to be the worst outcome that you could imagine.
Do not wait

Btw he sounds autistic. All his annoying qualities are autistic AF. Not that it means you are required to stay with him. He sounds like he’s sucking all the fun out of your life.

If you don’t want things to get messy, you just have to be clear now. “I have only stayed because of the shock of the aneurysm. I am leaving now, as I told you that night I was going to. I will come back when you need care following your hip operation, unless you would prefer social services/NHS care at that point. It will not be a reconciliation of our relationship, just a sense of duty I have that will not extend past the end of this year.” Tell your DS the same.

For what it’s worth, the above is based on what you have said you want (caring for him after his hip operation) not what I believe you should do! You do not have to do anything for him at all if you don’t want to.

Leave now. You don't owe him anything.

This

Do they discharge a person who needs 24/7 care in the UK?

I am in Europe and both my mother and grandmother had hip replacement operations / 4 operations overall/ and each time they stayed at the hospital for about a week and then were at a rehab institution for another couple of weeks if not longer and were fully fully capable of independent living and moving around when going home.

You have every right to just go. But it’s not that simple.

My main worry would be your DS. If he has, as it seems, a close relationship with his father, how will it affect him to feel that both you and he are abandoning his dad just when he is going to need support? How will he feel seeing his dad struggling to cope, just with support from perhaps uncaring strangers? Will he feel guilty? Might he feel he needs to move back in, to look after his dad?However unfairly, will he blame and judge you, now or in the future?

You would be absolutely justified in leaving now, but largely because of your DS I don’t think I could do it. Maybe you need to have the discussion with your DP, tell him you haven’t changed your mind and will be leaving as soon as you’ve helped him through the first stages of recovery from his surgery. (You never know, he might tell you to leave immediately…)

Leave sooner rather than later. Give him a chance to mentally adjust to his new life. Give any of his circle a chance to adjust as well. There's nothing to stop you dropping off a few groceries after the operation, assuming things remain civil between you.

You can leave, and you should. There’s always a reason to delay, it won’t get easier. What if the op is delayed by six months?

You are not responsible for nursing him. The NHS is responsible for him until he is on his feet again. Refuse point blank to take on that role. When they want to send him home tell them very, very clearly that there will be no support for him there. Don't agree to do any of it or you will likely send up doing it all. They will try to coerce you into it, refuse and refuse again until they get the message. If they deliver him to the door shut the door politely on the ambulance paramedics. If he needs 24/7 support be needs to be in hospital or a nursing home.

And leave. Because as he ages, when this crisis is over there will be another and his bad personality traits are also likely to get worse.

I might sound like a soft touch but if this were me and his main issues were just being selfish, self absorbed and annoying but is also a great father, I would stay a little longer to get him on his feet. That doesn't mean you need to stay until the absolute end but perhaps until end of the school year? You kind of sound like you really resent him and blame him for all the problems in your life. He is certainly responsible for some of them but not all. 17 years is a long time to cut and run after someone has had an aneurysm. The NHS will not be able to provide proper at home care, they never can, it costs a fortune. So the care will have to fall on someone for a little while. Can you separate now but just stay living together as friends until things stabilise a little?

I think you were morally right to stay during the aftermath of the aneurysm but if you have already set on leaving then you don't have any obligation to stay for months longer in order to help with an unrelated future planned operation - although I'd say you should be 100% looking after your shared DS while your ex recuperates and just bringing him to visit, even if you share custody afterwards, to remove the burden of childcare while the ex is physically incapable and can't drive etc (and to prevent your DS feeling obliged to step into a carer role and resenting you for that).
It would also be nice to e.g.: bring your ex a lasagne or potentially offer a lift to a follow up appointment if the timing suits you, as you might for an old friend - but not doing his regular personal care and housework. Be aware that he may see this as you deserting him because of his upcoming increasing care needs, however.

@Clubbiscuit no I don’t think he has autism. I’ll give you a recent example of his behaviour. Small and petty but showing me he gives not shits.
We were getting a takeaway last night. I’ve been having some stomach issues and can’t eat too late, so we agreed we’d have it at 7 at the latest. He comes home from work, his lunch untouched. It os 4:30pm. Did you have a busy day, I ask. “No, I just didn’t feel like eating”. He proceeds to sit down and eat what should have been his lunch. I asked if it’s wise to do so if we’re having dinner in a couple of hours, maybe a snack would be wiser? He claims it will be fine, I already know it won’t be because it’s not my first rodeo. 7pm comes, nope, he’s not hungry, we should wait. Takeaway arrives at 9 and my choices are: not to eat or go to bed with a heartburn and sore stomach.
Now I know this is minor and we could have ordered separately but that’s not the point. He always eats at work, never brings food back home, he did it on purpose. And we normally have dinner early, so to have it by 7pm was not an adjustment.

Bloody hell. Leave now and don’t get tied into becoming his carer.

In this case, why didn't you order for 6.30pm as discussed and he could reheat his when he was ready to eat it?

@BestZebbie I know I could, it’s really not the point though. He only didn’t have his lunch to orchestrate this, it’s just an example.

Does he have any family?