Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

Is there any possibility at all that the shit parts of his personality will improve now he’s had this brain surgery (I ask because a relative had fluid on her brain, I don’t fully understand it but it made her an arse and when it was fixed with surgery she was nice to be around again)? If not, you should probably leave. Manipulative people find a way of getting their care needs met IME. There will likely be something else after this.

Of course you can leave. In fact I’d leave asap in case anything else were to happen and you were stuck actively nursing a man you’d decided to separate from. Certainly ahead of the hip surgery.

No, definitely not a possibility. He has always been the way he is, brain bleed or not.

I am definitely leaving but it’s already been delayed by nearly 8 months (operation and recovery). With the hip surgery, we’re looking at another few months. I can do it but I really don’t want to. My question is: should I help him, do I owe him that?

I feel that now I know that I don’t want to be in this relationship, I’m just wasting my precious time. I’ve worked through it and I’m ready for it to be over now.

@CoffreFort this is what I’m worried about too. That I will end up just never leaving because there will always be something preventing me from doing it.

I would leave now.

I would do what I could to support him as a co-parent after the surgery, but not as a partner.

Are you married? If not and made no promises of til death us do part and all that then yeah you can leave. I mean can still leave if married but more complicated as legal contract.

@NuffSaidSam I just don’t know how it would work logistically. He is going to need someone 24/7 after the surgery, as I’ve been told. Do I move back in then? What do we do? And how do I not mess with DS’s head then? We’re separated but kind of living together again? I don’t know, I’m probably overthinking it.
@Pussygaloregalapagos not married. I’m not worried about the legal/ financial side of all this, I know where I stand and what’s mine and what’s his. It is the guilt that is eating me up - that I’m abandoning him when he will need help and support.

Don’t waste any more of your precious time on this man.

You might as well rip the bandaid off and go niw. That gives him plenty of time to make other arrangements for home health care.

I don't see an ethical issue if you leave. You're not leaving him BECAUSE he has had medical issues or because he is in need of a great deal of care and you don't want to or can't provide it. You almost certainly wouldn't be staying with him if his health issues had never happened and he was perfectly physically healthy. The timing is unfortunate but it sounds like the relationship either was never functional or had broken down before these health problems occurred. He made it clear through his words that he knew there were serious issues but showed through his actions (or inaction) that he was unwilling to do any work to try to repair the relationship or even to discuss it honestly. It's a dead end, whatever you decide to do about it.

Only you know if you "owe" him or not, whatever that means to you - but I agree with PPs that IF you choose to help him it shouldn't be in the capacity of a partner. I'd also consider that you may not be the best person to be his main carer, and that maintaining the appearance of a partnership with him probably isn't the best example for your son.

I’d leave asap but help him after his operation, as long as he’s not bring a arsehole. What hip surgery is it?

I’m willing to bet a fair percentage of my retirement fund that, if the circumstances were reversed, he would not hesitate to leave you.

You’re a long time dead, so do what is best for You.

You owe yourself a decent life. Leave.

@MeanwhileinGilead I would have been gone within a week of us having that conversation, had he not had the burst aneurysm that night. I had everything lined up, including a place for DS and I to move into. For various reasons, I don’t want to be staying in our current house. I would want to help post the hip surgery because it feels like the right thing to do but I don’t see how it would be possible without creating an illusion of the relationship again.

@Pansykavalier that’s very true. He can be so very selfish, which is why I want out.

@troothfairy it’s an osteotomy. Recovery seems very long, it would seem.

Move out now. Gives him chance to arrnage care and you can always help from outside - offering lifts, shopping etc.

There'll always be reasons to stay. You've given us a pretty long list of reasons to leave

You can definitely leave.
Do you think your teenage son would leave with you? That would be my main concern tbh.

Move out but research a list of support numbers so he has a head start in organising his care during and after his hip treatment.

You were very kind to stay so long and he should appreciate that.

If the shoe were on the other foot would he have cared for you in the same way, if at all?

Leave. Don't let guilt and ADHD procrastination steal the next segment of your life. Something else could crop up and before you know it five more years have trickled through your hands. Leave. Free yourself op

Leave OP you have done enough for him don’t get further trapped

Lots of single people have surgery.
Leave.
He'll cope.

Leave as fast as you possibly can. You will be abused and villified anyway no matter what you tell people, as you are supposed to give up your life for other people, according to many, being that you are a woman.

Get away, right now. You were going to leave him, it would be horrible indeed to be stuck being a nursemaid for even more time that you will never get back, to a man who were planning to divorce, and that is the role you will be allocated by him and others if you are unable to stand up for yourself.

I agree with others, go now, it is months to the surgery. Establish your independent lives. Make sure he informs the hospital he doesn't have support and will need care assistance post op. If you feel really compelled to help provide post op support on an ad hoc basis to supplement the care - get him bits of shopping, help move things to where he can get to etc. Don't do personal care unless absolute necessary to maintain boundaries. Do what you would for a friend and no more.