Can I leave? Or will this make me the worst person ever?

[Motherofgiants]

I’ll try to make this as clear and concise as I can but it’s a long story.

DP is not a good man. It took me a couple of years of therapy, ADHD diagnosis and medication and a lot of reflection to admit this, stop making excuses for him and decide to leave. He is selfish and occasionally manipulative, disregards my feelings, never admits to a mistake and sucks at communication. I suggested couples therapy multiple times, he pretended to agree but never went though with it. There’s always an excuse. However, he is also very generous, has a great sense of humour, we do have occasional good days and he is great with our teenage DS, so he has some redeeming characteristics. The key message is: my life is not hell but I definitely deserve better and can’t be arsed compromising any more. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I don’t feel appreciated, loved and supported just because I’m me and I’m fucking wonderful. I’m in my 40s, my tolerance of bullshit has drastically decreased.

I told him I wanted to end the relationship and we had an argument. In the middle of it, he felt unwell. Took him to hospital - he had an aneurysm, bleed on the brain, subsequent operation and physio. I stayed through all this and supported him to the absolute best of my ability. His recovery has gone really well but there’s another operation he is due later this year - this one is on his hip. I feel that I should stay and look after him, after 17 years together I probably owe him that. But I really don’t want to. He’s back to work now, albeit reduced hours, completely independent, small issues post the brain bleed are likely to be resolved through physio and they’re not affecting his quality of life.

Can I leave now? Or will it make me the worst person in the world? We have never spoken about this argument and me wanting to leave since that day, it’s like it’s never happened.

do whats easiest for you.
if it is easier to stay to help then stay
if you move out but still help would that be harder

From what you have said, he would not stay for you. So I would go ASAP.

Rebuild your life

Don’t waste your life waiting for the right time to leave.

Get out now. What if the surgery is delayed by months? Don’t move back in to help, that is blurring the lines for your ds. Get out, save yourself. Live your life.

OP you sound like a really good person. I think leaving now is absolutely the right thing to do because it gives him time to prepare for independent recovery after his operation and get support lined up. You've done far more than your 'duty' already, any more at this stage would be martyrdom! You do have a duty to yourself and your own life and health too, you can't run yourself into the ground for someone you were trying to separate from.

Happiness is important, but have you worked out the finance? Do you work? Will you be expending him to sell the house/buy you out if owned by both? Will you able able to afford market rents? Do you have savings to fall back on? Where will you go?

I would grab the opportunity to leave now. This is a good time. You've made the decision, you told him, you've nursed him back to health and from what you've said, that was far more than he deserved. Time to put your DS and you first.

In terms of the future operation, he will no longer be in your life. Not your problem. I wouldn't be making any promises. He has time to work out a solution. He might have to start being nice to one of his relatives.

You can do both. You can leave but assure him you will help for the first month after his operation. If you don't go now you never will.

No, sod that. You only get one life.

You sound very self absorbed

Just leave. Do it as soon as you possibly can. I find in situations like this I often ask myself “what would a man do” and I’m not sure there are many men out there who would stay in if their Partker was a selfish arsehole.

No you shouldn’t keep delaying getting on with your life. If he’s having numerous health issues then there’s no guarantee that he won’t end up with another situation that needs care and you’ll end up stuck for longer or forever. Do you think he’d do the same for you?

I agree. It’s time.

My concern is that your son might opt to stay with him and be his carer.

I too think you should leave for both your sakes. If your DH is having a hip replacement the recovery is pretty straightforward usually but I would offer to help him then if he has no one else.

I’m very surprised everyone is saying to leave right away.

By all means leave, but I’d wait a few months to keep the peace. 17 years is a very long time to have been together, so I do think it’s the right thing to stay just a few months more.

Also think more about your child who is presumably preparing for exams and needs stability at home. Is this your son only, or the child of both you and your partner? Will your son move with you? Would he do the care work if you don’t? Would he understand why you’re leaving? Is he close to your partner (it sounds like he is).

No, you should leave. Eventually he may start to say that you trying to leave him almost killed him and that if you do it again he will die.

You don’t want to be with him anymore so don’t be. Single people manage after operations. You can still help him with a food shop, a lift etc without being his wife.

Move out now. Prioritise yourself and dc and live your life. His reaction and treatment of you will tell you all you need to know if helping him post op and being an occasional friend / supporter in crisis is on the cards. But at the moment you’re trapped and aren’t making that choice / having clarity on if he is deserving of your help.

I think the question would be, considering your son is a teenager, would your son move with you now? Presumably your son is aware his Dad needs an operation and to recover? Would he feel a sense of guilt leaving his Dad to it, and want to stay to help him? Only you know your son OP, we don't.

If the answer is, your son would want to help his Dad, then you'd be better staying to help with your partner's recovery. If helping his Dad, wouldn't enter your son's head, then leave now.

Leave now if you are sure your son will move with you.
there is support for up to 6 weeks where clinically needed after hospital admission so that will see him through the initial phase of potentially not weight bearing post surgery.
Hospital beds can be hired for home use, which will facilitate him being able to recover with drop in help.
who has the diagnosis of ADHD?

I also think there is absolutely no way he would have stayed to look after you had the situation been reversed. Selfish, manipulative men always leave when their wives are diagnosed with something serious.

The best thing is to move out and finally get your life started. If it would help you to feel less guilty (and I think a lot of this is social conditioning because really what do you owe him, he’s made your life a misery despite you giving him lots of chances) you could help him just before the op by getting the house ready, batch cooking a few meals for him. The kind of thing you might do for a friend rather than a partner. But that’s it.

Good luck with your new life. I knew someone in your position. She actually left someone who’d had a serious stroke. She had planned to leave him anyway and was very unhappy being trapped for a while. She eventually left once he was sorted and never looked back. Personally I don’t think we owe someone our lives just because we once were in a relationship with them. If they’re kind, loving people then it’s different. But selfish, manipulative charmers? Nah!

I think statistics prove that if the situation was reversed, he would have left PDQ.
You aren't leaving because he is ill, you are leaving because he isn't the person you want to be with.

If you had already gone, he would have to sort himself out.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, you want/need to go..... Just go, and be happy.

While I agree you should definitely leave, and the timing is awful for the illnesses, I would consider what position leaving now would put your DC in, and if the care would fall to them in any way, wait until he's back on his feet.

In an ideal world, no you shouldn't have to, but I think cleanest is best and him needing 24 hour care in the near future, really does muddy the water so I see your dilemma. Go with what will be best for the DC, you won't regret that.

Leave now and don't waste anymore years on this man.

As you said this man is 'not a good man'.

Women are conditioned to think that their needs always come second and I am sick of that narrative.