Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

OP, I’ve read all your updates and I understand where you’re coming from. I think the parents were rude - they should’ve made sure there was food for you to eat.

Your DP is also being an arse - he should’ve spoken to his parents about it while you were there.

Honestly, it sounds as if you and him have completely different priorities regarding savings and house buying, which is a fundamental difference.

Yeah I deffo think this, and that’s why they offered snacks so often. I am kind of fussy, I like Indian, Japanese and Chinese food as they’re so popular here but I’ve not tried much Thai, Vietnamese etc but there are basics in most cuisines like rice, meat etc. I seriously doubt they only serve fried spicy food.

It must have been really frustrating, and I personally would have just been like ok cook her ‘British food’ please, as I wouldn’t want her not eating. But I can imagine they felt it was quite rude and immature. Like she’s with someone from that country? Why have you never tried the cuisine of where your DP is from?

And they probably let her order snacks etc because she wasn’t eating, but I think it’s fine that they’re making it clear that there should be no expectation that they will do that again. They’ll continue having home cooked meals and probably think their sons weird gf only eats chocolate so she should just bring that with her as it’s cheaper here

chips to me are chunky like oven chips, fries are different, thin like McDonald’s an I’m from uk

feel really awkward about going now. DP did speak to the chef through google translate because we weren't invited to. There was food provided for us but we had no input. We do't know how the arrangement works and if it would be welcome for us to do that. The in-laws knew I wasn't enjoying the food. It felt like the answer was to give me a chocolate bar I liked and keep putting more of their food in front of me until I discovered what I like.

Just don't go

How odd, in his own parents home, he can’t even have a convo with his parents.

if the relationship is so so bad, then why are you both going. Or are you exaggerating as you’re embarassed.

This is a huge assumption, though. Based on posters' trying to find a reason for the PiL's behaviour that fits in with British cultural norms.

OP needs to talk to her husband and find out what the deal really is. He seems to have really let her down in mediating between her culture and theirs.

Is it possible their financial situation has changed?

Just stand up for yourself and prioritise your comfort. It’s ok that they don’t want to pay for your chocolate, move on. But you also need to be able to eat and you do that by insisting you buy yourself some basics from the supermarket so when you can’t eat their food you can go and make yourself toast and avocado. Be clear from the beginning and then you won’t have to be anxious as you will have already agreed food and kitchen use

Why would anyone "invite" you to speak to the chefs? You hate the food, sort it out. Be an adult. Talk to the chefs and say you find it too spicy or need plain food. To be honest at this point, you sound a nightmare of a guest.

I really think you need to do some research ahead of going and try to find a few local dishes that you can eat, as suggested by a PP. Cuisine is a big part of culture and you do really need to make an effort to understand and accept your DPs culture, especially if you are planning children! I would also stock up on a range of snacks that you can bring, also as previously suggested, and relax your expectations of “healthy eating” whilst on the trip as it really seems unreasonable to claim you can’t possibly eat any of the local cuisine and then also turn down the Western food provided.

If you go with a few dishes that you are ready to eat and plenty of snacks to keep you filled up when the main meal isn’t your favourite you will make a much better impression.

Also, maybe go with a planned budget for food to top up what his parents provide. You have basically claimed throughout this thread that you can’t afford to buy any food for yourself whilst you are there, which is not reasonable. If you were home, you’d be paying for food. You can’t expect to go on a foreign holiday and spend no money at all on food.

If you had such a problem with the food why on earth did you agree to go a second time? Also, surely this time you’ll pack snacks for yourself in the suitcase,

You need to be blunt with your DP and get him to ask the kitchen staff to make something you can eat.

Literally nothing described shows they wanted her to be comfortable and happy.

I'm 110% sure if she ordered real food the blowback would’ve been even worse (especially because the meals would have been even more expensive than a chocolate bar and OJ). Just on top of the cost they’d add something about not liking their food or not appreciating their culture

This is nuts. She is not the hostess, she can’t go ordering her staff around. Are you for real?

Good grief, calm down, they paid fully all they have done is politely suggest she packs her own chocolate as she didn’t last time and say they’ve bought her oranges.

you’d think they’d hurled abuse at her the amount of hyperbole you’re chucking out there 😂

I am for real. No one is 'ordering' anyone around. It is a polite request. "Excuse me, what is in this dish please?" "I am sorry, I cannot tolerate spicy foods, may I have a plain dish of chicken and rice please?"

My Asian partner said she is difficult so they asked her to bring her own food and possibly they are offended she didn't even pretend to like something.

Which is true. I forced down even cow stomach to make his mum happy 🤣 and practiced my spice tolerance before the trip.

Do you like your guy enough to get along with his family?

What they did is kept their guest hungry during all the visit insisting she eats only local foods which were too spicy for her. No good host ever digs their heels like that. They - especially given they have staff so it was no extra effort - could have provided her with some plain European food alongside the local cuisine they wanted her to try, to make sure she tried but also is not going hungry if she doesn’t like something. That’s absolute basic for a good host especially in cultures focused on hospitality.
in the worst case they could have clearly facilitated her use of kitchen.

it’s very similar to her being vegetarian and them only serving meat for 2 weeks with no other options. It’s bad hosting.
the fact they offered to pay for snacks is nice except they later actually berated her for it so it’s fake hospitality too.

it is extremely rude to go above the head of your hostess and order her staff to cook something for you when she hasn’t offered.
on top of that the OP / her DP and staff don’t even speak the same language.

Go above the hostess? Order the staff??

it’s her partners mother, and father, he can easily speak to them. What sort of home do you run that when your kids come home they can’t talk to you.

They gave her use of an app form which simple food like pizza could be ordered and suggested she could
order food from it

instead she ordered chocolate

Did you even read the thread???
maybe you should ask OP’s DP’s parents that question but clearly they did not make the home a place where even DP could ask to use the kitchen

She ordered chocolate which was cheaper than pizza
imagine what they’d say if she ordered pizza every day
plus they didn’t invite her to order meals, they invited her to order snacks

TBF we don’t know what the problem was do we. If i had arranged a spread for my DS’s GF from a different culture and she did not want anything. Not even chips as they’re not healthy. I’m told foods are too spicy, so I provide different options. She doesn’t like any of them, I’d wonder if she’s being difficult on purpose.

I personally would just buy and have food she likes prepared, but can imagine some people might double down and find it rude that everything they’ve made has been rejected.

Then they offer her their app to buy something and then every day she’s ordering expensive OJ, when she could have ordered oranges to be squeezed for cheaper, and an expensive bar of chocolate over something with a bit sustinence. I’d probably think she was a bit bonkers. My future DIL visited but ate nothing but chocolate the whole time she was here? Maybe they think she’s like that at home, some weird idiosyncrasy as she admits she told her DP she wasn’t hungry when he told her to buy a meal.

OP also has her own money, she doesn’t want to spend it, but surely this was worth taking £12 out of her savings for a sandwich? Instead she just ate chocolate every day.

So maybe they don’t mind paying for her to have snacks etc, maybe they just resented wasting money on freshly squeezed orange juice, which they could make cheaply at home and expensive chocolate that OP could buy for half the cost at home. They may have been fine if she ordered something else, like food from the local bakery. We don’t know what they were thinking. But I don’t think it’s rude to decide that they were happy to do it last time but next time they’d prefer not to. Just because someone does it once doesn’t mean it should be expected every time