Feeling embarrassed after in-laws asked me to bring my own treats

[twentie]

I am so embarassed.

When I last went to stay with my in laws in Asia who are very wealthy people, they were very generous and kept saying, order whatever you want. They had an app where you could get pretty much anything delivered in 30 minutes.

I know they use this all day every day, freshly squeezed orange juice, cake, coffee.

They really emphasised they wanted me to use it. They got the bill and I really struggle with food.

So I did. And I ordered a freshly squeezed orange juice and my favourite bar of chocolate each day.

This chocolate costs £4 in the UK so is just a bit too expensive for me to enjoy here and I never buy freshly squeezed orange juice, because again it's too expensive. So this was luxurious.

But in this country the chocolate bar, because it's imported costs £6/7.

I really didn't think they minded as they kept asking if I wanted another one. Wanted me to feel welcome with my home comforts. It was lovely to feel a little bit of luxury, because I have been scrimping a bit at home and I never doubted that they could afford it as they ordered similar for themselves.

Well we're going back next week and I was really looking forward to the orange juice and chocolate.

MIL just message DP asking me to bring my own chocolate because I forgot last time and it was too expensive over there and cheaper here. And she has brought me oranges so I can squeeze my own juice, as it's cheaper.

I just feel so embarrassed. Like they thought I was being cheeky and couldn't tell me. I am mortified and wish I hadn't ordered anything.

But also feel so much less welcome. Why encourage me to use it so much if they thought that?

Also I know it may seem dramatic but I am not looking forward to go as much. Theres never really much for me to eat or drink over there as I really dislike the food they cook as I tend to like plain food. So knowing I can order these little snacks and drinks I really enjoy really perks me up and made my day.

Just a rant really

Well I think that some people offer out of politeness. And that can be cultural. With an expectation that the person doesn’t take the piss.

Whereas some people who are hosting will genuinely think it’s their responsibility to provide for their guests. OP took a gift apparently and paid for a meal. Which is polite. So I don’t think it’s that bad to take someone at their word, especially if their son, your DP is encouraging you.

But I also think it’s fine that they’ve made their expectations clear next time. And while I understand OPs embarrassment, she should deal with it and plan for next time. So I don’t think they’re out of order for that like others are implying. I think the only issue is that OP isn’t just like oh I’m so embarrassed, I should have done x y or z instead of ordering expensive chocolate everyday. It feels like she’s justifying and doesn’t think there was a problem. Rather than just accepting she’s made a faux pas

How do you know it was out of politeness?

If I was hosting my DiL and we were ordering from an app every day I would make sure she got what she wanted too.

I would also ensure she had something she could eat each day and not expect her to eat something that she didn’t like or was too spicy. It's not about being grabby, it's about being a good host and making sure your DiL is comfortable in your home.

No, the good hosts have made themselves obvious.

No you didn't explain it. I asked you to and you still haven't - it's not my fault you lack the ability to read.

Because they’ve pre warned OP - bring your expensive chocolate this time and we’ve stocked up on oranges for your next visit which sounds like their attempt to let her know they won’t be facilitating her perks next time

Yeah, sure...."DP and I are saving for a flat and it's not going well. DP earns a but more than me also freelancing, but ends up saving less than half of what I save because he will pick up lots of food, drinks, and rounds when he's out and about." You're DEFINITELY on the same page.

Also neither you nor he can have this conversation with his family about you not being able to eat ANY of their food (again, yeah, sure) but he still expects you to go and visit and either starve or survive on chocolate bars and orange juice (which you can't even pay for yourselves).

Sounds like a shit show all round.

On the contrary, good hosts generally know how to be good guests.

They were offering DAILY. And using said app themselves as well as for other guests daily.

cant believe people twisting it as OP being rude.

who is rude is her hosts. She couldn’t eat any food and they didn’t offer her any options- even though they had plenty of opportunities and options. That’s rude.

they encouraged her daily to order snacks and she did, spending less than others.

bringing this up in the way they did is also rude.

either they don’t like OP and enjoy the power trip or they don’t like both their son and OP and what to make both of them feel small.

Yes you're right. I am a good host and an extremely polite guest. I am so far from 'grabby' it's laughable. I have no need for freebies and pay my way.

The way they brought it up is extremely rude.

By the way OP that’s your husband’s opportunity to get you more suitable food in the polite way.

he can say “oh thanks so much about OJ for Op, she will appreciate it can be made at home. Incidentally, it is possible for us to be able to cook ourselves something plain, as sometimes the OP struggles with spicy food so we are happy to buy some supplies ourselves as long as you check with staff if they can provide a space in the kitchen”.

if I were him I’d also add that you were hungry the whole time in the hope they’d feel embarrassed at how shit hosts they were but I suspect they don’t care

There’s endless hypothetical virtue on MN - hypothetical app, hypothetical DIL blah blah. Of course hypothetical DIL may have hypothetical virtue of her own and refuse on the grounds that it’s a bit batty to order chocolate from an app when she could just buy some.

There are expensive places to buy orange juice and cheaper if you walk around. The range is enormous in this country. But the cheaper place I would really question the hygiene. The app only works with the more expensive places probably because they're larger and more established places with hygiene certificates. Alot of the cost is delivery and get it within 30 minutes. It would be cheaper if you got it in person.

Lots of people haven't read the thread. I couldn't just pick up pasta and cook it because I wasn't offered to use their kitchen. And if I was it is extremely uncomfortable given the circumstances that it isn't a homey kitchen, the workers sit on stools on the floor, don't talk English. DP said he would be too uncomfortable to use it. I have no idea where anything is. it's just all very uncomfortable.

It’s too late, you’ve outed yourself.

it sounds like you don't like it there ultimately and understandably, and this food thing is a symptom not a cause. Maybe don't go? Or go and stay in your own place? Even if it a taxi ride away to be in a cheaper area?

It's really not that deep 🤷

But if you want a real life example - I had workmen at my house for three days. Each day I bought them lunch from Uber Eats (other apps are available) I told them to order what they wanted and I paid for it. End of story. I would do it again no questions asked.

Oh my gosh if I have guests, especially less well off ones, I'm adamant they don't reach into their pockets! I can't imagine offering all this with a smile on my face whilst silently totting it all up and being resentful. Just don't bloody offer if you're going to be faux generous and judge people for accepting your hospitality. Absolutley outrageous setting social traps like this for your unsuspecting, less well off guests.

👍

They shouldn't have offered OP the chocolate if they were going to bitch about her accepting it. They sound very wealthy so paying for a daily chocolate bar was hardly going to break the bank.

Do you really want to visit them again? It all sound pretty awkward and not fun at all. They don't seem interested in providing you with food that you can eat which makes them very poor hosts.

Her behaviour was likely perceived as rude because of the many of the inconsistencies in her reasoning (eg turning down chips because they are unhealthy and then living off chocolate for two weeks). I’m sure her hosts were as confused by her behaviour as we are. If OP is to salvage the relationship with her in laws then she will need to understand why her behaviour is confusing and what she can do on this trip to improve things.

What social traps? Do you think it's normal to take, take, take. It's entirely reasonable and culturally normal to offer to buy a coffee and a couple of ice creams when you stay with people gratis for 10 days. It's also entirely culturally normal not to order the most expensive dish on the menu when you've no intention of making a contribution.

The money wasn't the issue, the blatant entitlement was without so much as a please and thank you. There was one evening when we had run round after her all day, cooked the dinner, supervised her child, bought him a present and birthday cake when she hadn't, and while we cleared up, she poured herself another glass of wine and went to lie down on the sofa with a book.

I don’t know how they could have made it polite though. I feel like it was always going to be embarrassing for OP, but also if they’re not actually happy to pay then it’s probably better to nip it in the bud

I think every day is a little CF TBH. They obv are wealthy ,but maybe felt a little taken for granted .Take some choc in your case and use the oranges when you are there .

Then 3 people should have not have kept encouraging her.