Is it unusual that my husband says he never misses anyone?

[SlB09]

So during a conversation, my husband just said that he doesn't miss people other than he would miss me and our son. As in, he doesn't ever miss friends or family mum/sister (family live 5hrs away). He said that to him, missing someone is like to need something from them either emotionally or otherwise and he doesn't need anything from anyone ergo he doesn't miss anyone. He said about one of his best friend, 'if I never saw him again in my life I wouldn't miss him, yes it would be sad but I wouldn't miss anyone'

I miss many people! And it's not that I need something from them,I just like how it feels to be around them, or chat with them, or to share something with them etc! I like seeing my family and spending time with them, I miss them if I don't see them for a while for example. I have friends that live the other end of the country, I might see something we both would like and have a little wish you were here missing them type moment.

I'm quite shocked that he wouldn't miss anyone or doesn't have that sense of loneliness if he's not seeing meaningful people etc - not sure if I'm just v needy now?!!!

I think you need to clarify what “missing people” means for him and for you.
My DH can go for a month without calling his mum when he is busy and he won’t be upset or wondering how she is if it makes sense. He would think that if something she would call. I would worried how my mum was and curious how things were and upset that she forgot about me - but I’m too complicated emotionally (exhaustingly though) . DH is more introvert. He would say he was missing his mum ( because of course you say that) but it wouldn’t look so.

Fascinating thread. I have ADHD (and probably ASD though not diagnosed) and compartmentalising is definitely something I do.

I've sometimes struggled temporarily with big life changes like going to uni, going back to work after ML but that's more about adjusting to the change rather than missing people.

My son (also AuDHD) says the same, doesn't get homesick, doesn't miss people. But is happy to see them again if he likes them and looks forward to seeing people he likes/loves when he knows it is going to happen. He has a serious girlfriend who he clearly loves and cherishes but he doesn't mope and pine for her when they don't see each other for long periods.

When he left home I did feel a sense of loss but again I think it was mainly the shift in normality.

But I'm also wondering if it's a difference in terminology. I wouldn't say that I "miss" him in the sense that I emotionally ache and long to see him. But I'm always pleased to hear from him and see him. Like your husband says about his best friend, that he would be "sad" never to see him again, I think that is my sort of "missing" someone I love and whose company I enjoy. It is still real.

He has object permanence.

He's autistic, has ADHD or both.

Psychopathic! Like all the people on new life in the sun that would fk off to the other side of the world without a glance

How is that ‘psychopathic’?

I don't think you understand what psychopathic means

As a child, my dad was in the army and do we lived in Germany. We had family visit us but you be honest I never missed them even when they left after 2 weeks. As an adult, my ex dh was in the armed forces and away a lot. I never missed him. I just never miss people but I've learnt that people like to be missed so i tell them I missed them. I thought it was normal.

I think the world of mobile phones social media and internet has made the world so much smaller and it will
never be the same as in like 30 years ago when the most to keep in touch with people was a phone call or long distance calls or actual letter writing. Now everyone is accessible often for free via WhatsApp and FaceTime there’s not that urge to be like ooh wonder what soandso is up to, even homesickness is not the same, as can easy go online and quench it

I'm same as your OH.

I’m a ND introvert and the only people I genuinely miss are my adult DC.

I have brilliant friends I see regularly, but I don’t miss them, even if I don’t see one for a few months. They have been my close friends for 45 years, so maybe that’s a factor. I don’t worry about them disappearing on me!

I don’t ever miss people other than my husband and children. It’s not at all that I don’t love anyone else, and when I see other people/family I am overjoyed to see them, full of love and enjoy their company. But when I’m not with people I don’t think about them. I’m very much ‘in the now’.

It’s well documented as a phenomenon to do with neurodiversity, but also it might reflect the type of emotional relationships involved or family conventions of how a person was brought up. It’s not some kind of character flaw though.

@TheIdlerReturns I highly suspect ADHD, my husband goes through phases of thinking he has traits and then not. He is massively inattentive however also finds anyone saying that quite offensive (basically does want to admit it, he's a v capable person and think he's v self conscious of it at the heart of it all)

A few people have suggested ND and I hadn't put 2&2 together!

@SixtySomething both have siblings, however his is 10yrs older than him so he doesn't really remember much if a time of living together

@blankcanvas3 thankyou haha! I miss my parents too and feel bloody stupid at the age of 42 saying this!!

For those asking what missing someone feels like, for me it's like a yearning to feel their presence. An ache. Sometimes minor, like a niggle in the background, occasionally major like you really need to see them.

My grandma died a number of years ago but she's was incredibly special to me and made me feel safe and warm and loved, I miss how she made me feel and though don't necessarily yearn for her to be back as I've accepted she's died, I still miss her aura and the things she brought to the family/world/life.

Do you think someone has to miss someone to care deeply for them and love them?

I don't miss people, even close family.

I love my mum, always give her a hug when I see her but when we lived in different towns, my dp used to remind me to phone her for a chat because it never crossed my mind to.

Similarly, I love my dd, told her so frequently when she was growing up, we were very physically affectionate with each other (until she hit the age when I was an embarrassing parent!) but I didn't miss her at all when she went to uni. She's now living and working in her old uni city. Although I love it when she comes home or I am able to go up and visit her, I don't miss her and I forget to phone or message her as much as I probably should.

The thing that probably sounds even worse is that I don't miss my dad. He died suddenly and very unexpectedly a few years ago. He was in his 70s but was (as far as everyone could tell) very fit and healthy, both mentally and physically.

I loved my dad and wish that he hadn't died, especially when I'm with my mum. She knows that she can talk to me about how much she misses him because I'll be sympathetic but won't get upset myself. I've never really felt grief for him.

It sounds awful but even with death, it seems to be out of sight, out of mind for me.

I'm autistic (adult diagnosis) which explains a lot.

ADHD-er here

Object permanence is a thing

That skill baby's have to develop where they remember something after they lose sight of it

Don't have that and it makes me look like a psychopath

Both parents dead, many of my uncles and aunts dead, cousins dying off now, people from school, old work colleagues - I don't miss them

Add prosopagnosia and I couldn't even describe them to another person

Yeah, they can get very offended when anyone suggest neurodiversity to them.
They can get very offended when they get called out for being rude or inconsiderate, even if they are and even if it's unintentional. They are also highly sensitive to any perceived rudeness from others - which is ironic really.

He really needs a formal diagnosis. ADHD never travels on it's own, so he'll have other comorbidities.

I have a friend who has a formal diagnosis of ADHD. She is in the denial phase and has been for a few years. She says she doesn't have it. She is pure ADHD. She is hugely inattentive too and misses out on all sorts of important things and appointments and makes oodles of schoolboy errors. She's getting worse, actually.

It's an interesting question. I've always been the sort who is too busy dealing with today to miss people, but recently my drinking buddy of 35 years died, and I miss him dreadfully.

No more razor sharp wit, no more funny, perfectly timed texts when I'm a bit down. We only saw each other maybe once every three months in the last few years because of partners and children and work. He isn't there to dig me out of the shit anymore and he won't call at 1am, outrageously plastered and looking for a lift. 🙁

I have another friend who is very clearly level 1 autistic.
She has ADHD too.
Undiagnosed, of course.

She knows she has ADHD but I think if anyone told her that she is autistic too, she would hit the roof.
She has awful object permanence, was selectively mute when she was younger, always, always in trouble at work and got a very severe bollocking from her boss a few months ago for her mood swings, has a history of being fired, talks non-stop, can't get organised, a crier, asexual, very easily offended, very isolated - the works.

I don't miss people, neither does my DH. Neither of us have an official diagnosis but I'm as sure as I can be that we are both neurodivergent. He works away a lot and we're fine with it; we don't miss each other when he's away, we do our own thing, but it's nice when he gets home and we catch up.

I adore my adult DC, but if I don't see them or hear from them for ages it doesn't bother me, or them. When we do make contact again it's always really lovely, we enjoy being together and we reconnect. I strongly suspect they are neurodivergent too. Our family dynamic seems to work for us, probably because we're all happy with it.

Same here!!

I was literally thinking about this subject yesterday as l don't miss anyone. When l meet up with people I've not seen in ages l really enjoy being with them....but inbetween that I don't miss them at all

I put it down to social media/ phones making contact so much easier so I'm still in contact with some friends even if I've not seen them for ages.

It also is dependant on how busy l am. If l have stuff to occupy my time eg hobbies and meeting friends ...... l don't miss the people l don't see

Really, really interesting about the ADHD point. My 17 year old left today for a big trip overseas. She’ll be gone for 3 weeks. When asked if she’d miss us, she replied ‘I never really miss anyone.’
I’ve suspected for a long time that she has ADHD.

Honestly, I’m with your husband on this one! My dad died when I was 7, it was my mum and my older brothers and sisters they’re all 40+ and I’m the youngest I’m early 30’s so I was like the only child 🤷🏼‍♀️ my mum was a shocking mum when I was growing up, so I don’t really speak to her now to miss her, my family all have their own lifes so it’s just me, my husband and our kids and I don’t miss anybody 🤷🏼‍♀️ my best friend has moved to Spain to finish her law degree and honestly before she moved we didn’t speak constantly because again she had her own life so I don’t miss her, I just talk to her when we both can🤷🏼‍♀️