Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

Give him a break if it’s a one off thing. It was unrealistic to expect him to make both things the same weekend. He is entitled to see his friends and have a yearly blow out. Everyone deserves this. Your son has you and grand parents support him and this is a lot more than many kids have in life. He won’t die of disappointment his dad to miss one event.

i understand why you and your DS would feel let down ,your DH promised to be home for the dance performance and didn't honour his promise. Response depends on what happened to make your DH miss his flight (aside from the fact he was cutting it fine anyway) and what he does and says now. Also ,if this is an isolated incident matters too.
If your DH got blind drunk,overslept and missed his flight and tries to make light of it ,thats a worrying red flag .
If hes apologetic most importantly to your DS and its a one off give him grace.
This scenario happened to my DD,only once and my DH was remorseful,so much so that when he was dying aged 48 yrs he mentioned it as one of his regrets in life......
My DD said she didn't remember it .
Good luck X

I agree with this in general, but I think the conversation should be about making realistic promises and setting realistic expectations and not leaving the other partner holding the practical and emotional bag while you sleep it off somewhere.

He was never going to make it back, amazed you thought he would.

Gently, if he's otherwise a good dad and husband, I think you're over reacting a bit.

your son has someone at each performance, that's what counts. Just enjoy tonight

Am I the only one who didn’t enjoy going to kids shows? Sit there for 2 hours, to see your offspring do something for 5 minutes, then 1:55 of other people kids doing a hobby, mostly quite badly. You can’t even leave, as they all get up for the finale.. tedious

It’s sad for your son but honestly I would have said to dh there’s no way he will be on that flight. If the flight is 9am he’d have to be at the airport about 7.30 ish which means a very early start after a night of drinking. I’d have said to my child that unfortunately your father can’t be there but we all will be and if he by some miracle turned up then it’s a nice surprise

Just laugh it off OP.

Him promising to get back was stupid really as getting to the airport for a 9am flight after a night out with friends he hadn’t seen for two years was never going to happen.

Your son is obviously fine so don’t get wound up over it.

I might say different if your son was a teenager who was playing the lead role in Billy Elliot, but for a 6 year old’s 10 minute dance show? It really isn’t worth all this drama. His mum and grandparents seeing it is enough to show that he matters and that you are proud of him.

Just enjoy your son’s show and let your DH make it up to his son when he’s back.

No way you can both go’ it’s always the mums there though, isn’t it…

Not necessarily. There are often other children to look after, or one partner is working.

He has shown you his priorities, listen to him. If he cannot be trusted going out then he has a problem.
If he is otherwise pulling his weight, then how about the Colleen Rooney approach - big public gesture that he pays for, to make it up to you all?
If its a red flag, you could get yourself a separate account and start saving up (better to have it and not need rather than be stuck when you do). Look for local AlAnon(i think its called) for families of people with alcohol problems, or Families Anonymous

No, you're not. Sometimes they're torture. But we still showed up when we said we would.

I don’t understand why anyone thinks this is OK. If I know I have a commitment the following day, I modify my behaviour in order to ensure that commitment is fulfilled. It’s called being an adult.

Would people be so understanding if OP’s husband had missed a day of work? Or a job interview? Or a court date? Or a holiday flight?

If you say you’re going to do something that matters to people, you do it, unless something completely beyond your control occurs. You don’t get so wasted you can’t get up.

This being MN there are always a chunk of posters excusing any shitty behaviour by the man and holding a woman accountable for mens’ behaviour.

It was the DH who made the big promises resulting in an over excited six year old.

It was the DH who failed in those promises resulting in tears from the excited six year old.
It is the DH who cannot control his drinking.

But yes obviously the OP’s fault for not managing this behaviour and the child’s expectations 🙄

Assuming a father of three including a six year old is likely to be at least in his thirties, the inability to managing his drinking is a problem he should be addressing. It doesn’t matter how often it happens - the inability to stop and control his drinking even knowing he has a flight to catch is something I’d expect from a teenager, not a grown arsed man with responsibilities.

Absolutely - it’s an opportunity to get some shared perspective and understanding for the future (I’m not saying ‘so you should thank him for it 😂!!)

You’re honestly telling me you regularly look around the room and see more dads than mums?

It sounds like he had good intentions, booking the earlier flight and telling DS he would be there. Then got swept up in the night out, 2 years in the making and had a few too many. Frustrating for you and he'll probably feel like a dick when he's up and trying to transport himself back home on a killer hangover might be punishment enough.

Massive overreaction on your part. He gets to see his best friends once a year, your son has lots of family there, it's really not a big deal.

He should have just said sorry he couldn’t go. It’s not a huge deal and your son has had a lot of family attend. I’m sure he had good intention to leave on time for his flight, but that all goes down the pan after a few drinks. It’s not a big deal. My ex missed so many things by prioritising working overseas and now adult DC still adore him.

@HloldingonbYathread if someone feels that drinking themselves into a state is a basic human right, then they should at least have the self knowledge to not plan something early the next day that they clearly won’t get to.

Honestly that would totally be me and am the mum. I would expect to be able to laugh about it with Dh and not a telling off.

We as parents do so much for our kids that honestly this is no big deal. Kids have no idea the amount of effort and sacrifice we put into them. One mistake is just that. I actually admire your husband's commitment to even trying to make it back. I would have just stayed in London if I was him.

Exactly! So much woman blaming and such low expectations of men.

Haven’t read all the replies but the ones I have, I feel for you.

i get exactly why your annoyed: it isn’t the night out; it isn’t even missing the flight. It’s the fact he promised your child something and broke the promise. I would feel the same/

I hope your sons performances go well x

All depends op. If he is useless waste of space and this is representative of his behaviour I'd be fuming too. If he is usually responsible and a good df etc I'd let it go.

If there's a next time and one of you are away when there's a dc activity just use common sense and only one of you plan to attend.

@988769yohn if getting so drunk you can’t get up the following morning is a priority for you, then you should tell people in advance that you’ll be unconscious during their event, and that you therefore won’t make it. You don’t tell a young child that you’ll be there when deep don’t you know you won’t be.

You must live in a very different world to me if you and your family laugh about being let down.

As a working single Mum I sometimes missed kids things. But I always warned them in advance, I never made promises I knew realistically I couldn’t keep.

First off, who says she's slagging him off?

Someone has had to break it to DS that Daddy is AWOL. We have no idea how she delivered the news, but she shouldn't have been in that position on the first place.

Secondly, does telling the truth = slagging off? Just asking...