Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

He was never going to make it back, amazed he thought he would.

Fixed that for you.

Your son will soon forget about it, so the only person missing out is your husband. Just leave him to it, and enjoy your son's show.

Well yes both should have expected this tbh.

Leave the kids with the grandparents OP and have a nice night in a hotel with your phone off- you need a break and apparently being completely MIA sometimes is AOK. Your DH WBU to even be a bit frosty with you once he returns so much as laugh it off as it’s a one off.

I don’t think you are over reacting. He decided to change his flight and made a commitment to his son. Nothing to do with him spending time with his friends.

aside from that, he made a commitment to his family to be back and he has failed to do that or check in with you to tell you he has missed his flight. You could have organised your day accordingly if he was absent, he decided to make the commitment to be present.

your standards are not wrong here - despite what others may think on this thread.

have you heard from him by now ?

@BerryTwister yes, I expect to laugh about it because honestly we do so much and sometimes it goes wrong. I am the person who is on the PTA, holds down a responsible full time job, g9es to every event and outing, takes care of stuff...and sometimes yes, we as parents fuck up. But most of the time, the million things we are doing... means we are decent parents and decent human beings and so no, I wouldn't expect a telling off.

@OrangeSlices998 you have every reason to be furious. This isn’t about a night out it’s about making promises as a father and husband and being unwilling to keep them due to alcohol. That is terrible.

Sadly some women expect only the absolute minimum from men. But I certainly wouldn’t expect this from my partner and would feel exactly as you do.

But don’t take on his shame or guilt. This is all on him.

Yeah it's like torture. Having suffered it with my eldest 2 by the time DS came alone I sent his dad to that sort of stuff mainly ( dads only child and my 3rd)

I really think this isn’t something I’d get that worked up about. Your child is 6, it’s hardly like he’s competing at the Olympics. I think you should try to manage your son’s expectations and cover for DH to him. I’d imagine that your DH own parent guilt and embarrassment will be enough for him, don’t put the boot in. In fact I think being nice about it will make his own guilt worse and get you big brownie points. My DP has a bad habit of underestimating things and I end up picking up the slack. I see it as just another part of women generally having to be better than men and manage more of family life. It’s not right or fair but it seems to be the norm. If he’s otherwise a good dad & partner

Yeah this. Anyone can mess up once. But a repeated pattern of behaviour is obviously very different and would need attention.

If DP has genuinely messed up, unintentionally, the last thing he'll need is to be made to feel even more guilty - he will be feeling bad enough once he wakes up and realises what he's done.

Didn’t need to be fixed 🙄

Either. They’re both parents and this is managing their child’s experience. Dad is unconscious somewhere in London so can’t do anything. Mum is the one telling the kid.

Sounds like it. Even men with kids deserve a break. I expect I’ll be deleted now

Lesson is for no one to ever promise their kids anything. I learned that early on. I told them I " would try" to attend whatever but never promised I would

I agree with this

Both of us can’t always make it to every parent invited activity our kids do and that’s fine (for us)- I know on mumsnet this is akin to a crime but it’s not amongst any families I know in real life.

Same. So I find this a bit of an over-reaction (though I understand it's disappointing).

You’re honestly telling me you regularly look around the room and see more dads than mums?

No, there are generally more Mums but there are always some Dads. So it's not always Mums.

I’d feel like you, OP.. it doesn’t matter that he’s only 6 and it’s not a west end show - it’s important to your son now and his dad knows that and hasn’t bothered to make absolute sure he was on that flight.

I think yanbu in that your DH shouldn't have promised something to such a small child and then broken that promise. The small child won't understand why that happened.

I think you are both unreasonable to be focusing so much on this. A 6 year old is old enough to understand that not all parents can turn up to every event (particularly if they are changing hobbies all the time), and that they aren't the centre of the universe. Mummy and Grandparents going should have been sufficient. Daddy can't wait to hear all about it when he gets back from his trip and is sad he can't be there.

The big problem here isn't that he missed the show, it's that he over promised and under delivered.

The level of pressure society puts on parenting these days. Just wow.

DH attended zero things for the kids, ever. Literally never set foot in the school. Not once.

However financially things are extremely sound for us which is good as both kids are ND and will need support.

I'm not sure kids need parents at every single thing. Life is about resilience and coping as much as it is a bed of roses. It's how you handle disappointments and pick yourself up, managing your expectations and knowing no one is perfect, even if they love you.

In the kindest possible way OP, try to take a step back. It's a bit of a let down he's not there but it's not the end of the world. Talk to him about it when he's home but do try to calm down.

It's not about being able to logically dissect the situation. There's a bit of a distance between being upset/disappointed and bursting out in tears.

At 6, he should be able to use words to express his feelings in this low level situation. E.g "oh but I wanted him to see me dance" or "Why can't he come?! He promised!" Bursting into tears is an OTT response to the situation at that age, imo. And sometimes a parents reaction to a situation can be mirrored by children. In this case OP is (quite rightly) pissed off. Did she say something along the lines of "Dad isn't going to be able to make it. But nevermind, me and granny/grandad will be there" or was it a bit more like "your dad's letting us down AGAIN! I can't get a hold of him. Looks like he won't be coming!"?

I think some people are focusing more on not letting it affect the DS rather than being in defence of the DH. DH is a nob and is a let down. DS doesn't need to carry the weight of feeling that.

Again, OP might not have reacted in a way to have brought on DS crying, but the fact that he "burst into tears" is causing people to assume so.

Please don’t follow this appalling advice. This sort of shitty point scoring is really toxic.

I could be wrong, but I think @CharlottePotatoes was making a point about some of the replies the OP is getting.

OP I would be pissed off too! and he needs to be very sorry and make it up to DS. If H had been realistic with times etc… and said he wouldn’t be there then you wouldn’t be having this issue today!! You clearly have no problem with him going out with his mates, I am surprised you are having a hard time about this on here.

Has he got up yet?

You aren’t the villain. But in the scheme of things this is small fry. My DP and I worked opposite days and one of us often missed children’s events. It doesn’t mean we didn’t value them or their activities, but that food had to be put on the table and a roof over our heads. Your DH hasn’t missed it because he doesn’t care, he met his own needs to get trolleyed and made a mistake - he was over optimistic to think he could get home in time, and that’s the problem, your DS has been told by DH that he would be there and now he isn’t. There is a good lesson here for your DS - that even when we feel very disappointed and sad about something we can still enjoy the positives and put it behind us.