Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

I’ve told DS and he burst into tears.

So spend the day doing something nice with him rather than “fuming” and arguing with Mumsnetters then @OrangeSlices998

That's a shame but sounds predictable, he's got a history of over drinking when out with these friends and an early flight. Your husband needs to be more realistic with his promises. I would be annoyed given he's promised DS he'd be there. Great his grandparents are there. I wouldn't message or ring DH H any more, let him figure it out. Hopefully you'll have a lovely time and it'll be forgiven that your husband was an idiot. Good luck with the show.

Yes, I was thinking that. Poor little lad will now go to the show feeling very upset, which is not a good way to start.

I think she's getting a hard time because she said her 6 year old DS burst out crying. It seems a bit of an over reaction for a child of that age given that his mum and grandparents were there, even if he was expecting his Dad. It's not like he looked out in the crowd and no one was there. Parents can't be there for every single performance and, whilst disappointment would be understandable, a reaction of crying suggests that OP made a much bigger deal of it in front of DS.

That being said, it's completely shitty behaviour to tell a child you will be there for something and then be a no show. No call or explanation. I can understand the OPs anger conpletely. I'd be internally pissed off, but I do think the DS' reaction painted a picture of OP completely catastrophising infront of her DS (even if that was not in fact the case).

Personally I’d go to quite extreme lengths to miss a 6yo’s dance show. Especially one where my kid was only in one dance. They are usually dreadful 😬

Before anyone jumps down my throat, yes I did go to every dance / music / drama / sport / quiz team / trampoline / skipping thing that my DC did with every single appearance of joy and enthusiasm

A repeating pattern starts with an event that can be dismissed as a one-off. And if a one- off occurs, and there is no nuclear reaction - then there are no barriers to it becoming a repeating pattern.

But, really, who wants to be having to manage a grown man's bad behaviour?

I've had similar with my ex, my son's dad. He's not a bad parent, he just often puts himself before his child, meaning he's let him down multiple times. My son is older now, and knows not to rely on his dad's promises, but he DOES know that he can rely on me and I'm always there for him. Ultimately, it's affected his relationship with his dad, which I think his dad knows deep down. He moans about that fact that I'm our son's favourite (childish attitude for an adult to have, but oh well), but it's all his own doing!

I understand exactly how you feel in this situation, but in the short term, your son will probably forget about it and be fine, though if it's not a one-off, it's your DH that will suffer as your kids get older and realise.

Agree that in hindsight your dh shouldn’t have said he would definitely be there. There’s always a risk with flights.
I hope when you told your DS it wasn’t with anger at your dh. It should have been in a relaxed, it’s a shame but at least daddy can watch it on film.
your dh yes it’s crap of him

Was it one of those dance shows where you have to sit there for like 6 hours of your precious Sunday to watch your kid on the stage for a total of ten minutes?

Because if so, I think I too would rather hide from that, and suffer the consequences, than actually attend the damn thing. Especially with a hangover 🫪

I honestly can't believe the number of posters on here finding a way to blame the OP for a promise her husband made and didn't keep. Is it a big deal to miss a 6 year old's performance? No. Is it a big deal to let your child down to circumstances within your control and leave your partner holding the bag? I think so.

I also think adults, or at least ones I'd want to have a family with, don't pass out, miss flights and fail to at least call their partner and apologise. If you're too fucked up to call and tell your 6 year old you're really sorry and can't wait to see the video, you're a shit parent.

Plus, the OP's 'the stories I could tell' about previous escapades make me think there's more going on here.

Is it? A daily regular event people are occasionally late for vs a one off annual event important to someone close to him?

I think she's getting a hard time because she said her 6 year old DS burst out crying. It seems a bit of an over reaction for a child of that age given that his mum and grandparents were there, even if he was expecting his Dad.

I don't have kids, but... he's 6? I wouldn't expect any 6 year old to sit and logically dissect the situation like a barrister examining the papers.

It seems that PP are also determined to pin a child's reaction on the OP even though none of us were there, because she's apparently the one who whipped her child into a frenzy rather than a kid just being upset because dad let him down.

You just made that up. Can you see that? You're making assumptions.

@OrangeSlices998 I'm with you. I would feel so disappointed but would try and jolly things along for my son. Maybe one of the grandparents can come again with you?

If it’s a one off let it go, explain to your DS that Daddy missed his flight. Your DH will have to apologise to DS when he gets back too.
Both parents don’t have to go to every single child related performance, your DH should have been more realistic and not promised to be back in the first place. I wouldn’t have expected him to leave early from a yearly friends catch up for a kids dance show (my DH wouldn’t expect me to either)

TBF a 6 y/o dance show is as close to torture as it gets.

We had years of dance shows though so may be a little jaded!

Yeah shows/nativities/choir recitals/sports days. . . . .
No way you can both go to everything.

It's not the end of the world if your DH misses DS's performance. He planned to be there but plans including a boozy week-end often go wrong. He'll apologise but really it's no big deal. Everyone else is there. I don't think my ex-DH went to one dance performance; that's not why he is ex, however, nor was it one of the things that made me unhappy.

Everyone now gets so het-up about first steps, first birthdays, school performances et al. My DD took her first steps in a town centre and we happened to take a photo (pretty pink striped dress) but my DS's first steps were likely at home during the day, no record (except in my diary) and my ex was at work (the paid kind) so did not see him take his first steps. No big deal.

‘No way you can both go’ it’s always the mums there though, isn’t it…

A kid on the morning of a stage show might well be tearful regardless

Correction: I think what you meant to say was DAD should have told DS he couldn't make it and lied to him about why. Which is a terrible way to conduct a relationship with your child.

As for the OP not getting her son's hopes up about his dad attending an event - Jeez, what is she supposed to say? And why is it on her to manage what her son expects of his dad, instead of his dad to get real?

What's wrong with making assumptions?

The OP is welcome to state the truth. Posters are allowed opinions.

In my opinion the early flight was so ridiculously optimistic that OP and her DH should have both said "what a stupid idea, miss it this time".

Your assumption blamed the woman for the man's behaviour, giving the man a free pass, instead of assuming the man has agency.

You have 3 small children so there will probably be around a dozen things like this every year until they leave school. Making an unforgettably huge issue out of this first one is going to set you both up for a lot of pressure and resentment. No denying that this time he was a thoughtless flake but what about when you need him to cut you some slack? Realistically was there ever any chance of getting a flight so early in the morning after a trip that was purely about partying with friends? Not much point in feeling outraged that he missed it when he probably set himself up to fail in the first place. Disappointing yes, but what’s to gain by giving him a massively hard time when he gets back? Might have been better to say to your DS that dad will try to be there but if he can’t make it then I’ll be there and can tell him all about it. I totally feel where you’re coming from but parenting is an endurance race and you have to be able to have cooperation, trust and collaboration. We’re all human, we all mess up.

Are you serious or is that a joke?
Genuinely asking

Well she certainly shouldn't be slagging off daddy to a 6 year old, that's for sure.

Daddy can apologise and explain later.