Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

I wouldn't have a different reaction if the OP did it

Jesus you’re getting a hard time on here. For some women the fact that their husbands remember their kids names is enough to recommend them for father of the year so don’t worry about people telling you you are over reacting. I’d be mad too; he’s let your son down by saying he’d be there and then getting so drunk he missed his flight. You’re right, a mum would be crucified for the same thing

Nope, if OP was the one missing the flight I would tell her not to be daft, dad and grandparents are all there to watch and that it's not the end of the world.

Another thing that's mad is all the people saying you should have known it was unrealistic, should have told the kid his dad can't make it, it's fine to miss a performance etc. when all of this was your husband's trip and presumably his plan and his decision.
Yes you can absolutely decide to not go to your kid's show, but you need to do that upfront, not say you'll go then drink yourself stupid and miss it. It's not on the OP to do all this, it's on her husband.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.
If you don’t like your husband leave him, don’t make it a points scoring game.

The reactions here are awful - why is she being blamed and being made to be the villain when it’s the husband who is failed his son.

I would have insisted that he he skip the show because he would be under pressure.
Its a once a year outing.
There is going to be a lot of events over the years to catch up. I’d have told my child in a positive way that Dad was working but he’ll definitely be there next time.

Is your husband awake yet 👀

Believe me, my bar is high, but flying back in time was never going to happen. I’d have laughed at DHs insistence that he’d make it and made sure my son and anyone within a 50 mile radius was aware that DH was ridiculous to even attempt it.

This doesn't sound good OP.

What sort of stupid decisions does he make when he is steaming drunk?

I think I would be as worried about what things he has done whilst with his pals as about him letting your DS down .
An adult who gets so drunk he doesn't know what he is doing and who let's his childeren down isn't an attractive one.

And you are very right that if you had done similar to your H and got drunk and let your DS down you would have been judged harshly. MN always has a good percentage of posters who seem to think men going out and getting drunk with their pals takes prescedence over their responsibilities to their families

Me neither, but he did anyway and so is responsible for that.

This. Total overreaction on your part. A 6-year-old's dance performance is not going to be a life-changing experience for anyone

Yanbu its shit on him.

I'm shocked at this poll....
Beyond the obvious he now needs to waste money on a new flight
Personally I'd be raging BU i wouldnt waste energy phoning the arsehole now and i'd be aking the best of it for your 6 yr old. Daddy cpuldnt help it... these things happen and will bring you an amazing surprise.

Really...
He should have picked another weekend for his pissup or just been an adult and said he wasnt going to be there instead of leaving you with the fall out.

I cant imagine this is net new behaviour so at least get on decent contraception.

I get why you feel the way you do, OP. I wonder if there is more: he’s not kept promises he has made to the kids before? Not kept promises to you?

If this is a one off it’s NBD. If it’s a regular occurrence it’s your DH who will pay the price long term in terms of his relationship with his kids.

if it’s is a one off you are over-reacting but it might be because you are overlaying something else onto this.

if it’s is a repeating pattern be v clear w DH about the impact on his relationship with the kids and step back: the only person’s behaviour you can control is your own.

I'd be more annoyed about having to pay for another ticket for the missed flight. We've always tagged teamed these things - as long as they have one parent there mine have never seemed bothered.

You have no idea why DS burst into tears, but I suspect being told hid dad was going to miss the performance he promised he'd be thete for might be part of it. It would certainly not have ben entirely down to the OP' cross face.

The DH has behaved appallingly. Even if there were no performance, he has missed a flight and is incommunicado. That alone would be enough for the OP to be furious with him. And, while avoiding drama, she shouldn't be expected to hide her feelings.

I've never been a great believer in shielding children from the truth about a rubbish parent - the sooner rhey know what they're dealing with, the sooner they can adapt their expectations.

She’s got 3 kids already, doubtful she’s planning a fourth.

OP I would be livid if my husband missed a flight due to a hangover and didn’t text or call, subsequently disappointing our child. I can’t believe all this ‘sounds like he needed a night out’ brigade?!

I’m sure you’re very stressed out but if you tonight motored through a few double G&Ts and a bottle of Prosecco later and couldn’t do the school run, making him late for work no one would be saying it was understandable every now and then!

Honestly I wouldn’t have expected him to have come back at all.

I would have been impressed that he booked a flight wanting to arrive back in time but I wouldn’t be annoyed that he missed it.

I’d be miffed that he had wasted money on the flight but assuming he’s a decent guy in general then I’d just laugh it off and tell him not to worry about rushing back.

It’s one thing getting drunk. Another thing when you get so drunk you make stupid decisions. MN is weird like that sometimes. On the one hand you get the I only have a thimbleful of sherry at Christmas and on the other hand you get the posters here saying “it’s one night, give him a break. Scotland won at footie last night”.

Work is a bit different to a kids dance thibg

Frankly booking a 9am flight from a drunken night out was never going to happen. He’d have to be at the airport for 7 so up at 6. Silly planning.

You should have told DS earlier that everyone was coming except Dad because Dad had work or something. He chose to go to the night out and book unlikely flights. Next time don’t get DSs hopes up.

This is on dh. I wouldn’t sugarcoat it. It’s not your issue op it’s his. He made an overly ambitious promise to ds that he couldn’t keep and didn’t. He had let ds down not you. If he wanted to still go to London he should have missed the show. Many working parents don’t all make school performances but as long as someone is there to watch I think it is enough.

It seems like a huge deal now but honestly in the grand scheme of things it's really not something to make a big thing out of

This. Dh missed most of the little shows etc when the kids were young but that's because he was away working. You could tell your child that the flight was delayed or dad had to work longer or anything that makes it not dh not prioritising him.
I know it 'is' his fault but it won't help your child to think his dad couldn't be bothered. I'm assuming it's a rare occurrence.

Asking out of intrigue. Did you really read that post from the OP, emoji and everything, and think she was being serious?