Husband missed son’s performance after boozy weekend away with friends

[OrangeSlices998]

How would you handle this?

I am married and have 3 kids - DS6, DD4 & DS1. We live far from where my husband grew up so he still has lots of friends in and around London whereas we live in Scotland due to his job, so he doesn’t get to see them much. He flew down Saturday morning for a planned boozy day out, they do it every year and he missed last year because of having a little baby so he was keen to go this year and I had no issue.

Except that this weekend DS6 is performing when his dance class, he is SO excited! And so when DH realised it clashed he booked flights that would allow him to be back on time for Sunday afternoons performance. My mum and IL’s came up to see the show and all saw it last night, DH & I will see it today while the grandparents look after the little ones.

Well.

DH is currently passed out somewhere with his mates in SE London, I can see his location on find my friends and he’s at someone’s house. He missed his flight (it was at 0915) and hasn’t woken from his drunken stupor yet to see the barrage of texts and calls from me. He won’t make it back in time for the show now, I’ve told DS and he burst into tears. I’m so angry, I’m so hurt for DS and I’m embarrassed.

How would you handle this? I am fuming and when he eventually wakes up and rings me I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to say or how repair this as I feel really letdown.

What would you do?

In MN world …… you’re being so unreasonable OP. He’s gone out with his friends and had a bit too much to drink and missed his flight. No big deal.

Back in the real world that I live in ……. the dad said he’d book an early flight so he’d definitely be back for the show but prioritised drinking with his friends and missed the flight.
OP understandably bloody pissed off and quite rightly so!!!!
I’d be bloody furious with him!

Im with you OP. He's let his child down. I would go quiet. It's up to him to apologise and make amends. He will risk his relationship with his child behaving like it. Dh had form for not turning up to our kids stuff. They are now adults who rarely contact their father, he complains they only go through me, and he doesn't know what they are doing. No shit sherlock.

I guess I'm even more on the side of YANBU due to the fact that he not only missed his flight, but seemed either incapable or not bothered, to haul his hungover arse out of bed and phone his son to say sorry he missed his flight and wish him good luck.

How is he planning to get home, having missed his flight? More expense on top of the disruption to the day?

Husband booked his own arrangements.
Was told they interact with sons show.
He changed his flights to accommodate.
He didn't get up.
He missed his flight.
He's a twat.
OP obviously has to tell her son Dad isn't going to make it.
I didn't see OP saying she was badmouthing his father to him.
Understandably she's upset and came here to vent.
Thats how I have read it anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️
ETA
I would expect father to apologise to his son for not being there.
If you want to tell him he has upset you, do it when your kid can't hear.
Maybe get a planning app.

What would you do?

I wouldn't give him the silent treatment, but I would be very brief and cold about his utterly disappointing behaviour - to me giving him a blocking is what he most probably expects. To treat him to a large dosage of disdain and not bollock him is far worse

He has fucked up if he missed the flight.

I wouldn't be tracking where my other half was though or be relying on the accuracy of the information and would leave it up to him to get back in time or let me know if that wasn't going to happen.

Congratulations on your Most Ridiculous Comment of the Thread Award.

I’d be less worried about him missing the show and more so about the lies and the drink. But then I have zero tolerance for alcohol induced stupidity, having grown up with an alcoholic parent. It’s up to you how far you’re prepared to lower your bar. And you’re right, if you did the same, I imagine there’d be hell to pay. But because he has a penis, he somehow needs to be given a second chance. Nope! He’ll only do it again if you let this one go. He needs to grow up and you need to move on.

Ugh, reminds me of my alcoholic father who was also completely unreliable after a drink.

People who prioritise alcohol over their kids shouldn’t bother becoming parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YANU to be annoyed, of course you're not. I would be annoyed too!

I think given you know DH tends to overdo it and drink excessively on these occasions, I would have tried to manage DSs expectations and said something like Daddy is away this weekend but he's going to try and get back in time but if he doesn't, we'll get the video recording so that Daddy can watch it later - and Mummy and Granny will be there cheering you on!

Try and set it aside for now and enjoy the show. When DH returns, tell him he's got some serious making up to do with his son, maybe he should arrange a day out full of treats, just the two of them, by way of an apology.

Your DH is not the first or last husband to behave like a dickhead and not be able to handle his drink, I think a lot of us have been there at one time or another! I know my DH was occasionally drunk and thoughtless when we were young. It's particularly annoying when you're the responsible parent stuck at home with small children 🫤 but if he's generally a good egg and he's properly remorseful, it will blow over in time. Just make sure you get the opportunity for a few boozy nights out yourself and leave him to manage a weekend with 3 small children!

If he was generally a shite Dad and husband that would be one thing but if he is ok usually I can honestly say this wouldn’t bother me. I’d roll my eyes at him missing his flight and I maybe give him a bit of beef about not letting me know what was happening but it wouldn’t cross my mind to be as angry as a lot of posters are suggesting.

My husband couldn’t always attend everything our kids did. It was great when he could but no big deal if he couldn’t. I don’t think kids mind if you handle it carefully.

One (of several) point(s) you and PPs are missing is that most kids will never get the chance to compete at the Olympics. This is the closest many get to performing in public. These can be their only chances. Ever. Miss it if you want, but don't excuse it by fooling yourself you could cheer them into the international stadium if they were sprinting in holding the torch.

DH should have realised it was unrealistic - it's on him. I bet the ILs have opinions about their son as well!

I don't think in the grand scheme of things that missing a performance is a huge deal.

I do think telling your son he would be there and making a big deal of how he'll fly back in time was really stupid of him though.

That's what I'd be cross about.

'This is the closest many get to performing in public. These can be their only chances. Ever. Miss it if you want'

Our dc have no recollection of which parent or grandparent attended their various performances, be it dances sporting or whatever. Someone was always there but we didn't go en masse.

Parents need to manage their expectations. The df should have said he'd miss this one but would be at the next thing. It's non stop at that age.

Ok... but there's a massive gap between a 6-year-old's dance performance in a school production and the Olympics. There will be many opportunities in between 😂

This! I always watch our children because I don't work. DH is often away so will come if available. Sometimes I think he's the lucky one because these things can be tedious as fuck😅

OFFS what a dramatic fuss about nothing. The people encouraging OP to make a bid deal of this are doing het no favours whatsoever. It's a kid's recital, not a big deal.

So true. We'd often draw straws if we were both off at the same time. Or the school plays where it was always the gobby kid with the pushy parent in the lead .

Sorry I think I would laugh.

Your poor 6 year old, both parents put their needs before them. DH could have caught the flight and you could have used a positive excuse.

@988769yohn of course busy parents drop the ball sometimes. No one is perfect. But the grown up way to behave would be to look at the weekend and either think “I’m not going to be in a fit state to get to the airport at 7.30am, so it’s best to tell my child in advance that I won’t make it to the show”, or “I’m going to modify my drinking so I can catch the early flight”. Not to make promises that were clearly not going to be kept. And leave the other parent to make excuses for you, and deal with the upset.

And you’ve no doubt told those stories to your kids on the basis of this thread @OrangeSlices998 !

Why should I? Not my job to cover for DH!