How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

You just have to have an honest conversation. It is hard though. Good luck

What care will he need? My Dad is late 80s and has had COPD for 25 years, and lives on his own independently.

I think the more fundamental question is do you want to be with him regardless of his recent diagnosis?

You don't have to do it. Mid 30s is still very young. Time to live your life for you. Will some people think you're selfish? Maybe. But they're not walking in your shoes. Caring for someone you don't want to will only make you hate him in the end which wouldn't be fair on either of you.

I'm kinda tempted to say LTB..
I know that's not much of a response to your whole dilemma, but it genuinely is what I thought when I read your OP. And I'm not someone who flings LTBs about normally.

how much older is he?

Do you want to stay married?

What care will he need? I think this is a bridge to cross when you come to it. My BiL has had COPD for the last 15 years or so (he is now early 70s) and yet he doesn't need 'care' from his wife.

Obviously he's not running marathons, but he is still pottering about and able to do his share of the household tasks.

YANBU

Do you want to stay with him?

You've been with him since you were a teenager? And he's older enough to now need care? I'm not saying it's definitely exploitative but the possibility is there surely?

My DF has COPD and was able to self care until 2 years ago, he is in his 80's and was still smoking until a year ago. It is the dementia rather than his COPD that has impacted his independence.

Go to university and to work and tell your DH he needs to do his share of the cooking. No need to be a carer, if he needs care then he can have a paid carer. If he won't step up and share the household responsibilities and just expects you to be a skivvy then consider whether you want to continue to share a house with him.

What care do you/he think he needs? COPD doesn't stop most people living their normal life. And you say yourself, that he came home, intending to go out again. He obviously doesn't need much care at the moment.

If you don't want to cook for him, that is a different issue. Just suggest he gets a few ready meals to microwave or show him where they eggs are. They can be scrambled in the microwave in less than 2 mins

My husband has had COPD for several years but doesn’t need any care for this. I’ve done my share of caring for my mum and mother in law, but I made vows to my husband when we got married to care for him in sickness and in health - i take that very seriously and am ready to care for him as he gets more frail as he gets older.

If you're mid 30s and have been with him 20 years you must have been very young when you got together. How much older is he?

Are you splitting up with him or expecting him to find paid carers? Can you afford that? Im guessing he’s not much older than you as you obviously got together when you were mid teens

@Icantbeacaregiveranymore My 80 year old dad has had it for 10 years- still lives on his own (and smokes). Why do you think your dh will need care?

He’s 42 and I am 34. I know COPD doesn’t need much care to begin with, but he already gets out of breath just doing the stairs. Asking him to do house hold chores just seems impossible as he drags his feet & lies around in bed alot saying he’s tired. It’s copd and a mix of f*cking his lungs up from partying to much.

Why was he going back out?

I think there needs to be an honest conversation here. And that he needs to do what he can to maximise his own health - and that includes cutting back on social things when he's tired, eating well, following every bit of medical advice - and you'll be there to support. But he doesn't get to go on living an unhealthy, unchanged life at your expense.

Some days, if his energy levels mean it's a choice between cooking a meal or going back out again, he needs to forego going out in favour of pulling his weight. And he needs to show you that he gets it.

So you were 14 and him 22…?

Right he is NOT a pedophile. I messed up trying not to make this outting, I met him at 16 it’s all above board. My parents would of bollocked me if I had met him before 16.

What stood out for me was the comment about him not taking responsibility for his own health. His choice to suffer in the long term but not for you to nurse him for god knows how long.

Have compassion for yourself and put yourself first OP. As someone wise once said, don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Good luck.

Even if you were 16 and him 22 that’s still grim. Sounds like you are done with him anyway which is understandable

Outside of smoking, we can all just 'get' COPD due to genetic /bad luck /environmental reasons out of our control. I don't see why you can't go to University, its only 3/4 years and he could remain Ok for years.

Turning 16 doesn't suddenly make it all above board emotionally.

The fact they were okay with their sixteen year old dating a man in his mid twenties doesn’t say anything better about your parents than it does your husband pet.

I know, that was my point

I'm torn between "in sickness and in health" and the fact that this union feels so very off. 8 years wouldn't be much if you'd met when you were both older, but 16 and 24, while just about legal, feels very ick. And if you don't want to be his carer, it doesn't seem to be a union based on love, so what's going on?

I suppose if you don't love him and don't want to care for him... should you be married to him?