How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

Precisely. Not sure I’d be staying to be honest. Nothing worse than a selfish bloke messing up his health through partying too hard and expecting wifey to do the donkey work. He can change and help but it’ll be a big ask. What’ll it be like as he ages?

You were 16 and he was 22?
how old are your kids?

Sorry, but I have a 16yo DD. She’s a schoolgirl, and is absolutely not allowed to date 24yo men. If a 24yo man came sniffing around her, I would skin him alive.

Christ. You were 16 and he was 24 when you first started dating. That is such a massive red flag.

You have one life. I would normally be more empathetic to him, but he has made his choices and now intends on dragging you down with him because of them.

I am really unimpressed with him not changing his lifestyle. My nana smoked most of her life but also got sick with emphysema through passive smoking by her husbands. Back then though when she started as a youngster, smoking was seen as a luxury, you did it as a status symbol, it was hard to stop as they aged. I do think she regretted it as she aged as she ended up with a mobility scooter and ended up on an oxygen tank towards the end of her life. All that put me off smoking for life (not for just that reason).

Spend time looking into the course you want to do and future career options.

He needs to focus on his health- and you can't make him to do this

Detach detach detach.

i’m disabled and my elderly mum was under the impression I would be taking care of her. Not sure how as I use a wheelchair!

we had a couple of tricky conversations.

but conversations are not enough.

you need to make up your mind what you are going to do and stick to it.

go back to uni. Do your plans.

I’m in a wheelchair after an accident and I manage to run a bloody house so can he. But he won’t if you do it all for him. So don’t

YANBU to not want to be someone’s carer at your young age, and when the other person does nothing to help himself.
You have the rest of your life to live

Wait a minute…not read it all but will. For now though are you telling me that your husband worked while you didn’t, helped your raise a family, built a home and a life with you, and now you are abandoning him because he is ill.

Just wow.

I’ve now read it all, I still find it bad that you are just giving up on him. Not giving him chance to let the information settle and potentially change his life. Right now he might be in denial, 6 months from now could be a different story.

But I’m also looking at that as a person in a happy stable relationship, and so it is easy for me to say it is bad to leave. If I were in your shoes maybe I would feel the same. I just can’t believe you can spend 20 years with a person and then walk away because he is ill, if he was that bad of a partner you should have left before now surely

Leave now and move on. Gives him time to adjust before the COPD gets really bad.

24

I am going to be blunt and tell you a story of two brothers.

One is my father and the other my Uncle (obvs!)

They both got Dx the same year after smoking for years. Dad gave up smoking straight away, joined the gym and started swimming. His specialist said that after a year of this, his lungs were actually healthier than they had been at the point of Dx. Uncle did none of the above, carried on smoking and decided to start smoking cannabis because "Fuck it I always wanted to and I will be dead soon". His wife had to be his carer, he ended up on oxygen 24/7 and she had no life at all for about 4 years. He had a horrible death two years ago. Painful, protracted and deeply distressing for him and his family.

My father is still with us, still doing and well and although he does get the odd issue when the weather is warm, he is now older than his (older) brother was when he died. There is no reason to think that he will deteriorate any time soon. He has a lot of anger that he lost his best friend when Uncle could still be with us too.

You sound like you are married to my uncle. Cut your losses, leave him to kill himself and tell anyone who calls you selfish that they are welcome to care for him themselves if it means that much to them.

Do whatever you want. He does whatever he wants.

In theory but in reality it's usually from smoking, as OP has said it is in this case.

Haven’t RTFT but… in sickness and in health. Those are the vows. That very literally means that each of you promises to look after the other if they get a degenerative illness.

I’m very confused by the first few responses I read which seem to feel that not wanting to care for a spouse is totally fine. Honestly makes me concerned for the moral wellbeing of our nation if that’s the standard approach to marriage. Yikes.

This is almost identical to my friend's situation except they didn't have children. He did though, a son he never saw and she was the one who made sure the ex wife received money.

He was older, drank and smoked himself stupid and ate rubbish. She had to go and collect him when he went out with his mates and was pissed. Took no notice of anything she asked, no notice of the doctor. Diagnosed with COPD, decided he was on the way out so he "might as well enjoy myself" and drank and smoked more.

He ruined Christmas by getting hammered and falling into the Christmas tree.

One.morning she woke up and he was dead in bed beside her. Only in his fifties. Obviously she was upset but now says she's happier than she's been in years.

What a waste.

Get out while you can.

I helped out a teeny bit with a great aunt and great uncle; cared for both my parents and then my husband. I did it for love, but now I'm worn out and trying to get my life back in my mid '60s.

Your husband doesn't exactly sound like a prize.Time to go now.

Someone I know (no, not me) was all set to leave her husband...and then he had a stroke. It was years before she managed to get away and get her life back. Don't fall into the same trap.

And yes - I know that you were 16, but your now husband did take advantage of you. He used his mental health as leverage. He's abused you for years and you don't realise it.

Ducks in a row and then go.

I cared for my husband; I have two friends who did the same for their husbands. We've all finished up with back trouble and other health conditions related to moving and handling and broken sleep.

At least I had a husband who was supportive. From what you've said, you don't have that. Leave before your husband needs care.

Why are you surprised? Men frequently walk away from their marriages the instant their wives become ill without a backward glance and no one ever seems to question that.
Why shouldn't OP do the same to a man who seems to be unsatisfactory in all sorts of ways, his illness being the least notable amongst them.

So you were 16, he was 24? You're parents should have gone mad.

What's good about him?

How is he as a husband? Does he do his share of household tasks? Caring for your disabled children? If not then walk away and don't glance back.

If you were staring down caring as he got older but he's been an equal partner when younger that would be different.

What age were you when you had your first child? A teenager? He's problematic this husband of yours

I don’t really understand your problem with their post. Poster has asked AIBU, this responder has said yes, they do think it’s unreasonable to walk away from a partner because they are ill and it’s hard. Hardly a troll post. Just a balanced polite response to the OP question that may not be what the OP wants to hear.

She should leave him for being an arsehole if he is one. She shouldn’t leave him for being an arsehole with COPD.

The COPD shouldn’t be a factor in it. Either you were unhappy so you should leave, or you weren’t so you should help him.

But it is easy for me to say, because I don’t have an arsehole partner. It I did I would probably feel different and make the shame choice as OP

Too ill to cook tea but not too ill to go out?

Too tired do stuff around the house?

OP do you maybe need to separate? Are you happy in the relationship? It sounds like you aren't.

Doesn't sound like he did much to help her with their disabled children

Do you know how hard it is to have a disabled child and both work? Almost impossible, you both end up compromising a lot at work because of it. And if he did nothing with the kids or hosuework she's done more work than him. And I say that as a parent of a disabled child in a fairly equal relationship where we both work full time.

Thirdly he got together with a teenager when he was well into his twenties. Used his mental health as an excuse to move her away from family and isolate her and now expects to continue to not looking after herself while she can just keep providing care.

I don’t approve when men do it either. It’s awful behaviour regardless of gender and I absolutely would not be encouraging a bloke to chuck his wife and go enjoy his life because she was ill