How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

@WearyAuldWumman Started smoking on the doctor's advice? Say what?

Not as mad as you would think. My grandmother ( would be well over 100 now) was advised to start smoking when she was in her 30's (1950's) to help "clear her chest", she had asthma! She tried but hated it, which of course was by far the best thing, but it wasnt uncommon at all.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like he needs a carer because of his COPD, it sounds like he needs a carer because he’s a lazy f* who as you say likes to lay in bed a lot. Most people with copd don’t need a carer especially in their 40s, he’s taking the piss out of you.

Absolutely true.

Dad got word that his mother (abroad) was dying. This would have been the late 1950s. He couldn't sleep. A work colleague told him to go ask the doctor for sleeping tablets.

The doctor told him "You're not wanting any of that rubbish. Get yourself to the tobacconist's and ask for 20 Capstan."

By the way, this wasn't unusual for those days. In the '70s, I was a member of St Andrew's Voluntary Service and did first aid at football matches, etc.

Some of the older members were retired Mines Rescue Service members. One old chap told me that his team had won a rescue team competition one time because - after bandaging up their "patient" and carrying him to "safety" on a stretcher, they'd given him a cigarette to calm his nerves.

Dad gave up cigarettes for good after I came home from the GP (in the early '80s) and informed Mum that - according to the doctor - I was reacting to cigarette smoke. Dad threw out his cigarettes immediately.

Firstly speak to the COPD nurse, she won't talk specifically just generically and get informed.

Then sit down and tell your husband what you have done for others, how you have put yourself last in the hope and expectation that once the kids went, then it would be time for you. Tell him about your dreams.

Tell him that if he isn't willing to give up his smoking and unhealthy habits, you are not willing to give up the hopes for your future life, dreams and expectations. You will support him if he changes because you know he didn't realise the damage he was doing to himself but if he continues on this destructive path in the full knowledge of what may come, he is not just condemning himself but you and his family and that is NOT forgivable. He needs to think carefully about the choices he makes for the family because this isn't just about him.

Time to live your own life OP.

I would be honest with him and leaving the relationship might be the best thing for you to do.

It sounds like you sacrificed your youth and your needs to be a wife and a mother.

It is perfectly normal that you want to do your own thing now.

Why was he telling you to make the dinner?! What did his last slave die of? I just hear loads of lazy male entitlement. Fine if he wants to not change his lifestyle or look after himself that’s not your problem. But he’s trying to make it your problem. It sounds like it’s your time now -not his

Nurse here
Try and encourage him to enroll on a pulmonary rehab course
It will help with the breathlessness
Many of the exercises mimic house hold chores one and there is great support from fellow patients, with nurses and physios there to give advice.

OP, what your DH is doing is effectively a slow suicide. It really sounds as if you have done so much to prevent him getting to this state and being angry in these circumstances is a natural reaction as he isnt taking any steps at all yo change things. Would talking to him in these terms effect any change? If not then you will need to decide whether or not to leave or continue and look after him. Personally I wouldn't do the looking after - this is largely self inflicted. Good luck, this is acrsally hard situation to be in.

A really!

So you were a child and he was an adult when you got together? He's groomed you to be his carer as well as grooming you in general.

This! My DH used to attend a support group for MS sufferers & their families. All the men had wives supporting them while a lot of the women were single, divorced or seperated.

You were still a child, and he was still an adult.

Same with cancer support groups

sleeppleasesoon . I have never heard of the saying , don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. But, I love it . It’s so true here .

You sound like you are blaming him for his condition? Maybe it's just the way you wrote it, but the bit about telling him for years to take care of himself suggests you blame him? While lifestlye can well affect your health, there's many people who have always looked after themselves who are unlucky, and some people who live bad lifestyles who seem to be healthy in their old age. So there's no guarantee you'll be well in a few years, even if you follow all the health advice, and marraige is supposed to be in sickness and health. You obviously can leave if that doesn't matter to you, but wouldn't you want the person who promised to be your spouse to look after you?
It's not all or nothing-you could do a degree, and get carers/family and friends to help out. And no one can force you, but you are asking for opinions.

Considering that the husband isn't pulling his weight now, I doubt that he'd look after the OP. Plus it's telling that the OP cared for members of the husband's family. I wonder what input he had?

If you are only in your 30s you could still go to university. I went in my early 40s and still have a 10 year academic career. It would be harder as there were still grants back then. I had needy parents but i made sure to go to another city to increase the distance.

That was what I was planning to post.

You say you loved him. Past tense. How do you feel about him now?
If you dont want this life, you can leave. Probably better to do it now as it will get harder in years to come.

What has he done to be diagnosed with COPD?

Taking the COPD diagnosis out of it How is a relationship generally? Is he blaming the COPD for his lying around in bed doing nothing? Because if he's too tired to do anything how is he going out and coming back in arguing with you and going back out again? Prior to this did he always pull his weight? At the moment you're just resenting him not taking care of himself but has he always been a bone idle lazy ?

I'm in a similar position to you OP with having spent my entire adult life caring and still am with adult child with disability. I have to admit that my first reaction to your first post was that I couldn't imagine not caring for my DH if the need arose. Then I read your age. I am 20 years older than you and have a DD your age.

All other factors aside, I think you should go to university. You are young, you have a DH who is going to deteriorate, you need to get your ducks in a row for a future where you have to support yourself. Getting an education towards work you want to do is one way to do that. It's a bonus that you want to do it and it will give you satisfaction.

It doesn't sound like your DH is going to make it easy for you when he does eventually need more care. That might be a long way off though. However, there are other ways you can support him when the time comes, such as organising outside carers for him. It doesn't all have to fall on you. You can be a caring wife while still securing your own future.

And OP isn’t ready to pick up the extra slack that’s needed because he isn’t ready to improve his life. Except she’s unlikely to be given a choice.

At his age, with the OP saying he "partied hard", probably a combination of cigarettes, cocaine and weed. Coke is known to be particularly damaging.