How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

That is the ticket, I am mad at him for never taking responsibility. He still drinks & smokes. I would of thought the doctors saying “hey your to young for this to happen but your lungs are basically f*cked.” To be a wake up call but it hasn’t. :(

If it was diagnosed through genetics or environment or even if he just took a ounce of responsibility I would feel differently but I just feel this great big ball of massive resentment. I can’t even look at him
right now.

That’s the thing I did love him, I loved him so much that I moved across the country just so his mental health would improve. I loved him so much that I looked past a lot of bad things but this has just made me immensely angry. An anger that I have never felt before.

Yes soz. Replied to wrong person. I agree with you

Yeah that is behavioural and laziness not COPD, it is normal with COPD to get a bit out of breath going up the stairs, my DF would sit for a few minutes and take his inhaler afterwards if he was out of breath. He needs to stay active, the less he does the worse it will get and the less able he will become.

Speak to the COPD nurse for some advice, they should have some leaflets they can provide that you can show him. Also the GP surgery should have an occupational therapist that can help with daily living modifications and aids and provide things like a perching stool for the kitchen to help whilst preparing food and an extra stair rail to help with going upstairs for example.

With chores he needs to do short bursts then rest sitting down in between and build up the duration. He will build up his tolerance.

I have Long Covid which causes fatigue and this is how I managed to go from being mostly bed bound with a peak flow of 200 at my worst to working on my feet for 12 hours a day. I have 3 kids, two of them autistic and an elderly father with dementia. I couldn't just opt out of family life and my responsibilities and leave it all to my DH. DH also previously had Long Covid, pneumonia and a pulmonary embolism due to Covid which caused significant breathing issues and still got up and did housework, cooked and looked after the children. We are both older than your DH. Do not let him give you excuses, if he wants to he will put in the effort to do all he can to improve his health and contribute, but if he thinks you will just carry on doing it all he won't bother.

If he still smokes and if he drinks, then fuck it. He’s refusing to take any responsibility for his health, so why should you?

The smoking particularly. He will get worse much quicker because of that.

OK, from the updates I think you should separate. 💐

My FIL has had COPD for over 20 years, hasn't needed care til recently aged 80.
Is he still smoking?
My FIL gave up 40 years ago, well before his diagnosis, perhaps why FIL has kept well for so long since.
Don't write him off yet, understand you don't want to be a carer, but that decision could be years away

That’s exactly my thinking. I could speak to the nurses and get all these adaptions & aids in place, I could go all out to make his life easier but why the fuck should I when he’s still continuing to kill himself.
When he was first diagnosed I said we would go out walking more, eating healthy & taking notice in things that would improve life for him… but literally back to eating shit, drinking and smoking. He tried to stop for two days. That’s it.

Is this the only thing? Everything was great until his diagnosis?

He could have got sick even if he lived a healthy lifestyle although it's less likely.

My uncle is early 70s with end stage COPD from smoking & a certain type of factory work.
He is short of breath all the time during each task & gets Attendance Allowance but is self caring although things are a real struggle for him. Despite this he’s planning to drive to the next county for a caravan holiday. Yes he will have to make multiple stops on the way. But he is determined to do it.
With end stage, basically it means any infection on his chest could kill him. He would not be able to be resuscitated successfully if he went into respiratory and / or cardiac failure.

Your DH is much younger.. but I will be honest with you and say, i worked on a respiratory ward for 6 months aged 25, & there was a 48 year old man at end stage. He was literally in bed for those 6 months on low rate oxygen (high rate can kill someone with COPD). He was short of breath just eating his meals.
Towards the end he lost all motivation & was very depressed, he would even just be incontinent on purpose in his bed as he didn’t care anymore. It was very sad & 25 years later I still remember his name. He said, just never smoke.

With all the COPD patients I’ve come across… they usually don’t need any care until things are very end stage. Then they struggle with daily tasks that make them breathless.
You can always get a carer in for your DH anytime he gets to this stage. Which may not be for years. I mean, I have a couple of ex smoker colleagues with COPD in their 50s / 60s who manage to work full time in physical jobs. But yes, each time they get colds / flu / covid it goes straight to their chest & knocks them out for a fortnight.

Basically you need to look at your relationship and decide if you do want to continue.
My uncle mentioned above has been married to my auntie for nearly 50 years, she does stuff for him when he can’t manage; but she still volunteers in a charity shop in the week so she’s not caring all the time even though he is end stage.

I think it’s because Ive seen two sides of copd.

My nana has emphysea (sorry the spelling is off) since she was around 5/6. She has never smoked and is still living her best life with her church buddies in her late 80s. Only ever been hostipalised four times in her life.

Another is a family friend, she has COPD and smokes she can’t even get up the stairs to bed and she’s had it ten years and will sadly not be with us much longer.

I feel he is going to be person two.

If my 16-y-o daughter took up with a man 8 years older than her, I would have been majorly concerned.

Good for you for getting out from under his thumb.

He isn't going to stop smoking without significant support, GP or COPD nurse needs to refer to the local stop smoking service. He is an addict so he has to want to stop otherwise he won't do it. What finally made DF stop was one month unwell in hospital.

If he had gotten sick whilst being healthy I would have zero resentment and wouldn’t bat a eyelid. This is definitely from
his lifestyle and the fact he’s still not making positive changes.

They offered him stop smoking service, he couldn’t even bothered to ring them upZ

Without saying too much I know exactly how you feel.

Honestly, given his lack of motivation to improve his health, I’d get prepared to leave. You don’t deserve to be his carer with all the burden that will bring to your life.

Quietly make your plans, gather information, do what you have to do so that sooner or later you can w a l k away.

You are both young enough to split up and meet other people 🤷🏼‍♀️ let someone else be his carer but I’m sure if he’s faced with the life of singleton and dating apps he will be down that gym pronto

If the tables were turned would he stick around for you. The percentage of men that divorce/leave when their wife gets a serious health diagnosis is shocking.

Try not to see it as him not being bothered, it's because he's not ready. Look at cycle of change

OP, I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to watch him not take care of himself, AND take you for granted.. asking for you to cook for him so he can go out, indeed!

I think take some deep breaths and focus on your own objectives, and then how that will fit in with family life.

Tell him that you are going to Uni, with a view to a fulfilling career / good salary, and suggest that the two of you work out how together you run your household in a way that you can both manage.

E.g he will need to do the kids dinner 3 days a week, fine, if he’s tired, heat up a pizza and give them a satsuma. The answer is not you miss lectures to do tea on his days.

Discuss sharing chores, ask which ones he finds easier and which are hard - but the solution is not that he lies on the sofa doing sweet FA.

Calm and resolute.

He won’t ‘suffer’

But when is he be ready? On his deathbed? That’s how bleak it feels right now.

My exh was 15 years older than me. Def didn't look after himself... I left and we divorced. Not long after he needed carers. Even if I had stayed that would not have been my job.
He died at 67.
Yanbu to not be his carer. If he wasn't up to making tea he wasn't up to going out. Piss taker imo.

its not COPD its being an idle sod.

Disengage and apply for your course, OP. Then you will know what your options are. You can still have a great career as you are so young. Best of luck.