How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

That's why my advice has been to look after herself and forge her own future. I didnt allow my life to be defined by my past I moved on. She needs to make decisions based on the here and now.

I wouldn't remain married to this person, he sounds a dead weight along with his family needing care previously [they weren't your problem].
You are still relatively young and need your own life.

Will be, ive got a holiday booked with dc and me next month for a week. Going to speak to my carers team as well and see if there’s anything they can advise.
He’s already up, fed the animals and dc this morning hasn’t smoked yet and asking if I fancy taking dc to the park/cafe… so here’s hoping he actually sticks to it.

You're so young to have gone through this multiple times 😭 Were they mainly your family, or his? I'm late 40s and have been caring for an elderly relative for the last year, while simultaneously being a parent and running a business. It's so, so hard, but it's kind of to be expected at my age. At your age, I was partying, going on holidays, and generally enjoying life.

Just because he has a friend who encourages the behaviour, doesn't mean he has to do it, he's 42, not 14. He does it because he wants to. I hope for your sake he's serious about changing. Also, just to say, ge should try Pulmonary Rehab before going to the gym alone, they will show him how to exercise for COPD, breathing techniques etc... which are shown to improve quality of life in people with COPD. It can be called different things in different areas, but his GP can refer him to whatever the service is called in your area.

This! In sickness and in health doesn’t cover the right to fuck up your body in the expectation that your partner will be become your carer! This would be a no from me and as hard as it sounds I would split. You only have one life and it’s already short enough!

And you were a child when you did that.

How would you feel if your 16 year old daughter dated a 24 year old? Not happy I would guess.

Yes. People don't understand unless they've done it.

I once had a social worker advising me 'Just buy new sheets from Asda's - they're cheap!'

Just the coming in and going out again while you cook dinner was enough. Sounds like the COPD is just an excuse to make you do everything, go to university, get a job and he can take care of himself and do the cooking or he can do the other thing and leave.

I think it’s very generous of you to give him six months. If he sorts himself out, great. But given his previous behaviour, and knowing people, I don’t think he will. I also don’t think you can bury 20 years of resentment and move on from that.

The saying about putting your own oxygen mask on is apt here. I’ve been reading a good book lately called “The Super Helper Syndrome”. I tend to put a lot of people ahead of myself and now I’m unwell myself, I can’t do it.

For the next six months, I would start setting up systems to allow you a break and to be able to do something like university. It might also be worth looking at something like the Open Univeristy. I found them very helpful when I was unwell and you don’t have to deal with all the 18 year olds . I am a self starter so liked being able to manage my own workload .

I think OP should be getting out of the house and meeting people not staying in and doing OU (and ending up being side tracked into doing domestic stuff). I was 26 when I did this and got on with the 18 year-olds just fine. There were other students my age as well. Her choice obviously.

So I cared for my lovely grandad who had terminal cancer that had spread all over for a few years, granted I did this with other family members but at the same time I cared for his mother (he did help with her, but didn’t feel
comfortable doing personal care if you know what I mean) who had terminal cancer as well. It was a lot. Lost both within 5 months of each other, both ended up in hospices and it was just so similar stories that It’s enough to tip anyone over the edge when it comes to caring.
one of my dc has a illness that is deadly too which why I am inclined not to care for anyone else who could possibly die. Broken leg or whatever, i don’t mind but when it’s a disease that can kill you or kills slowly I think I have a lot of trauma from
that. Probably why I’ve aged 30 years before my time.

That's a lot to go through, I totally understand why you don't want to go through it with someone who was disregarding medical advice and potentially making things worse. I hope your conversation has the desired effect and he starts taking care of himself more x

Ha, just creates more washing! The district nurses told me the same thing when they came over and saw 6 duvets & sheets soiled from one night! 🤯

OP has said she has disabled children. Trying to get to lectures if a child suddenly becomes unwell is going to cause a huge amount of stress.

I did university in my early 20s (brick and mortar) and found it frustrating if I had to do group projects and the younger lot just didn’t seem to understand time management. Luckily I didn’t have a child then. I’ve just finished my second degree with the OU and it was so much easier to balance things as it was independent and if I had child issues or poor health, I could catch up.

I told DH I wouldn’t care for him in his old age - I didn’t mean I’d kick him out just that I would pay carers to do it - and that’s after 40 years of marriage. He wasn’t pleased but as he has never cared for anyone in ill health -barely changed a nappy, certainly not a pooey one, (3 DCs) - I knew it would not be him changing my incontinence pads etc so why should I step up for him. My DPs and DB have passed away, with support from me. That’s enough. ( though I would for my DCs,DGCs).

Are the DCs going to be independent any time soon.
What are finances like - can you pay for support -is he the main earner because if he can’t work it will affect all of you

Imv there’s no harm in making it clear how you feel, you have every right to feel like that

I had a small child when I did it. I thought OP said her children were quite a bit older. As I said, it's her choice according to her needs but getting out of the rut and meeting new people would be beneficial and mentally stimulating. If her DH is turning over a new leaf regarding his health he should be able to do more of the child care.

The only person who is going to advocate for you here is you. He doesn't value you enough to change, so you can either accept that or decide for yourself that enough is enough.

If one of them require hostipal treatment which is very possible, then yes it will be difficult but long as they continue with their treatment at home it’s unlikely unless they catch a horrific bug. I can work around it and catch up I’m used to 3-4 hours sleep a night so can power through. It’s better than twiddling my thumbs at home while my brain turns to mush. I have the choice of OU or university by me as both courses do what I need. I will likely choose OU as a full time course, as it will give me leeway for things like this. Luckily the course does require work experience alongside so I will be getting out and about!

I think it might be helpful to the OP to notice that the decisions she made at such a young age may well have been manipulated and at the very least shouldn’t dictate what age does now.

I think she is probably aware of that. Im not going to argue any more.

Given her "He's not a pedophile" post, I think that's unlikley.

Aww bless him. His little friends make him drink, he can't help it...

edited for typo.