How do I tell him I won’t be his carer?

[Icantbeacaregiveranymore]

Been with DH 20 years, in that time I’ve cared for numerous people (some his family, some mine) including our two disabled kids.
He’s been diagnosed with COPD which will require a lot of care.
I don’t want to be his carer.
The dc are finally getting older, and more independent with their disabilities and now I feel like I’m being forced to give up my life again.
My entire adult life has been on a back burner as I had DC early in life, I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.
I am only mid 30s, he is older than me but I have told him for years he needed to take better care of himself but he didn’t now this is the result.

We’ve had a massive arugment this evening as he came home and asked me to cook dinner as he’s going back out and I told him I am sick of putting my all in everyone else and getting nothing in return and instead of talking about it he’s just gone out.
I don’t know what to do. Caring is lonely, Ive spent a good part of 18 years being lonely and I just do not want to do it for another twenty sodding years!

I'll just add that my dad was diagnosed with COPD (though he and I thought it more likely that his problem was work related - he started smoking on doctor's advice in his mid 30s and gave up in his 50s).

Although I've stated above that I cared for both my parents, my dad was my mum's main carer until he died at the age of 86. (He also inherited the family heart trouble and had arterial problems caused by blast injuries in WW2.)

If the OP's husband is already unable to function as a helpful husband in his 40s, Lord knows how things will be in the future. Time for the OP to put herself first.

It's tangled up though because he's approaching being ill like an arsehole. That's the issue.

Yeah sounds more like the final straw

My nan is 85, she has COPD and lung cancer, no she can’t hoover the stairs but she doesn’t need a full time carer. She independently goes out to her pensioner club, the hairdresser, the theatre etc. he absolutely is playing on his illness

I think maybe you’ve read this without the tone it was intended, apologies.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that either you want to be with someone or you don’t. The COPD shouldn’t come into it.

I find it very mean to leave someone because they now need a carer, you remember the old ‘in sickness and in health.’ If the OP was unhappy she should have already left, and still should if she is unhappy, but the COPD shouldn’t be the reason. It doesn’t even sound to me at all like the COPD is the reason, just the excuse. And I think by using it as the excuse she is painting herself in a bad light when actually she is leaving because he is an arsehole, not because she is going to have to be a carer, and leaving him because he is an asshole is 💯 ok and she shouldn’t feel like she has to say it is because of the caring aspect.

but appreciate I’ve come across more harsh than intended. Sometimes my writing is blunt, sorry

I’m in my late 50’s and my husband is a few years younger than me (similar age gap to you but the other way home). He also doesn’t particularly prioritise his health, he’s overweight and does little exercise. Like you, I also won’t be a carer for him when his body starts to fail through his abuse of it. I think there have a responsibility to our families to look after ourselves as much as we can. He’s very young to be diagnosed with copd - that must have been some high level partying, no doubt leaving the full bulk of childcare to you - and he still continues to drink and smoke, gaily expecting you to devote your life to picking up the pieces.

Life expectancy of someone with copd isn’t hugely reduced so you’re looking at decades of living with a man who gets “out of breath” at the very smallest request of doing his part at home.

Fuck that!

How is this relevant now?

My late father had COPD for the last 20 years of his life and he coped fine until the last year of his life when he died due to diabetes complications and caught covid.

As others have said maybe you need to consider whether you want to continue in the relationship. After all you've been through, I can understand if you don't.

"I moved across the country just so his mental health improved"

Is that love, OP? it sounds every manipulative. Aka you were made to "save him"? What would have happened if you hadn't moved?

And just like now you're being made to "save" him again now. Does he always avoid responsibility and expect you to fix it?

Also weird that it changed this to a reply to a different post, maybe because the one I was replying to was deleted.

And yet you were happy to stay with him for the past 20 years?
COPD is very much a gradually progressive disease. I get that you’re angry with him if his lifestyle has brought this disease on, but you’re coming across as really hard here.

Again, how is this relevant to the OP now?

Yeah and that’s the reason to leave him. Not the COPD.

She was very young when she met him. I think that this is quite telling. My italics:

"That’s the thing I did love him, I loved him so much that I moved across the country just so his mental health would improve. I loved him so much that I looked past a lot of bad things but this has just made me immensely angry."

She has cared for her own family members and members of his family as well as bringing up children with disabilities.

She's carried more than her share.

I'm assuming that the OP couldn't leave because of her children's age and disabilities - plus she was caring for other family members on both sides.

If he’s well enough to go out he’s well enough to make his own dinner and doesn’t need a carer!

It's relevant because it emphasises that the husband is a self-centred user.

but I just feel this great big ball of massive resentment. I can’t even look at him
right now.

@Icantbeacaregiveranymore this resentment and anger you feel is a two-edged sword. If you can lean on it and use it as a spur to action then that's great. But don't turn it inwards and let it start eating you up.

While your DH deserves some of your anger and resentment, you should keep some of it for whoever/whatever indoctrinated you as a child/young woman to think that you have to take care of everyone.

If your DH chooses not to look after his health and not to manage his condition THAT ISN'T YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Take this time when your children are getting more independent and you are still young, to do those things you put on hold 18 years ago. Go to university, get a new job, go out more, whatever you want to do.

Indeed! I went to Uni in my 30s with 3 young DC & a DH with MS. It was hard but doable & I now have a stable decently paid career. DH now has a carer as he has progressed a lot in the last few years.

I don't think the marriage vows are a licence for pisstakers. The husband has been, and continues to, play stupid games. The poster has no obligation to suffer the stupid prizes.

It's not as bad as outright abuse but nonetheless he seems to be expecting the OP to sacrifice her life because he can't be bothered to stay at home to cook dinner, or try to give up the fags.

Expecting spouses to stick by their vows when their life is being ruined by their partner's selfish disrespectful behaviour, does not feel very Christian to me.

No, she's coming across as worn out. The OP has had caring duties for umpteen years, given what she's said about her children and caring for relatives on both sides of the family.

At 34 you sound like a woman twice that age - and I know because I’m nearer to that age.
Because of the age gap he’s always in control and thinks you are going to be there.
He has no motivation to change. He does not care about himself and he does not care about you.
If you stay this is only going to get worse. Do you want to be 50 having spent your life as a carer? You are so so young OP.
I know it would be hard to leave because you’ve been with him so long but if I were you I would not want to carry on. You have a clear conscience you’ve done your best.
Even without the COPD his attitude to his health will kill him early anyway and he already sounds like someone you would find it hard to be attracted to.
Take back your own life.

The men from Reddit have arrived to remind the little women that the only position we should have is on our knees... in gratitude.

I planned to go to university & back to full time work but if I do this DH will suffer.

I'm not sure he would suffer actually. But if you don't follow your plans, you will definitely suffer.

I cannot think of one good reason why you should.

Even without the whole COPD business his behaviour this evening (has he gone to the pub??) makes him sound like an absolute arse.

And as an aside, I wonder if the whole "out of breath" "too tired" thing is being milked a bit by Mr Lazybones? With the unfortunate consequence that the more he lies around, the harder the will actually find it to do anything.

I think you should leave him.OP, as having to look after himself would be valuable physiotherapy. In fact it would be a kindness. (Not entirely joking - and if he tries to get in the way of you going to uni and working, you really should leave)

Predatory behaviour.

Power imbalance.

Paints a picture of what sort of a man he is.